Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Romantic Advice!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Gyrating hips.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Have you read Killing Stalking? It had a lot of helpful tips

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Don’t change who you are as a person just to please a crush

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Sometimes, in life and in love, risks must be taken.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Find a sugar daddy on Omegle and call it a day

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Romance is dead. Lie in your grave

Libra 9/23-10/22

Idk Mercury is in retrograde or something, good luck I guess

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Honestly just shoot your shot, the worst thing that can happen is they say ‘no,’ right?

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

get drunk and watch a movie with your partner, RESPONSIBLY

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

You don’t have to be in a relationship right now to know your self worth, let life progress naturally. You might be surprised what comes your way.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Listen to boyfriend ASMR in the dark and pretend that you’re not lonely

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Most times love will lead to tears. I cry everyday anyway so it’s worth the risk.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Stressing Tips / How To Stress

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Call your parents and tell them you’re pregnant

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Get married at 21

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Run through various scenarios in your head that’re completely implausible

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Forget about your midterms until 4 hours before they’re due

Leo 7/23-8/22

Take a depression nap and leave all your work till the last minute

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Unfocus your eyes and look into a corner. The faceless old woman will appear.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Be a student at WOU. Work multiple jobs for minimum wage. Call it good.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Realise you hate your major but can’t change it

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Make a mess or something

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Personally, I’m a sucker for losing really important items

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Look at your bank account

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Energy drinks are not breakfast.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: De-stressing tips!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

A clean work space equates to a clean mind

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Sleep, just go to sleep.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

go for a run or walk, the pain u feel in ur lungs will make u forget abt stress 🙂

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Take a break from your tasks to do something you love

Leo 7/23-8/22

Spray some oils

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Dig a hole in your garden. You know what to do next :D.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Honestly just sit in an empty room and scream. Or it can be a full room. Doesn’t matter.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Meditate for an hour or so

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Go out and experience nature. Maybe be one with nature? Meow?

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Eat a gallon of ice cream (unless you’re lactose intolerant then idk)

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I hear breaking things is all the rage right now

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Cry (no literally, it actually helps to release your stress)

The signs vote on the best form of chicken

The Western Howl Staff

Chicken Nuggets or Tenders?

Aries ⏤ 69 cents for chicken nuggets. 

Taurus ⏤ Yes.

Gemini ⏤ One of each obviously

Cancer ⏤ Nuggets

Leo ⏤ Why, are you buying?

Virgo ⏤ What Scorpio said.

Libra ⏤ The ones from Lunchables

Scorpio ⏤ Nuggets, dino ones specifically. Anything else is subpar.

Sagittarius ⏤ raw????? uwu

Capricorn ⏤ Tenders FTW

Aquarius ⏤ b r e a s t

Pisces ⏤ nuggets with honey mustard 10/10

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Things Joe Biden would say

Aries 3/21-4/19  

That’s what I love about highschoolers. I get older, they stay the same age.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

I’m not racist because I’m friends with the Obama’s. They’re very clean.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Catch me on the YouTube livestreaming the inauguration

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I would say

Leo 7/23-8/22

That’s all folks

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Don’t play games with me, kid.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Just Biden tings uwu rawr XD

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Finally, my dogs can live like royalty

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

HI OBAMA I MADE IT

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Forgetting is the greatest ability we have

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

We did it, folks

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I’m getting teary eyed at the possibilities.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Do you mind? I’m trying to sleep

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Cats or dogs, which is better? Argue amongst yourselves

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Maybe if you look at some moss balls you’ll be less evil

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Does that window open? Cuz I’m gonna jump out of it

Leo 7/23-8/22

I need to wash my masks not give y’all life advice

Virgo 8/23-9/22

a tubular optical instrument containing lenses and mirrors by which an observer obtains an otherwise obstructed field of view

Libra 9/23-10/22

At this point, I feel like an undercover participant in “60 Days In.”

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

just thought i’d let you know, i’ve been evil since i turned 15

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I liek tortles

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Sagittarius be looking sus today, they think australian shepherds are cats

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

*shrug* (i’ll prob change this don’t put it in)

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

“You will be very rich and famous this week”

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Is that an expired COVID vaccine in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

2021 is 2012 backwards but at least this time I’m prepared to die

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

what’s your favorite absurd way to package wine? mine’s canned

Cancer 6/21-7/22

*claps hands with Libra*

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just send them to the Bermuda Triangle and we won’t have these problems anymore

Virgo 8/23-9/22

a tubular optical instrument containing lenses and mirrors by which an observer obtains an otherwise obstructed field of view

Libra 9/23-10/22

If you’re about to spend the stimulus money on things you don’t need and you know it, clap your hands!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I can drink (responsibly) now

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Glad we’re still in the peppermint mocha stage of seasonal beverages

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

nobody: 

absolutely nobody: 

pharmacist: destroys 500 vaccines because just anyone can be a pharmacist

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The amount of serotonin I get from drinking out of odd shaped mugs is unnatural.

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