I want to commit crime but not get caught, and I finally figured out how 

Stephanie Moschella | Digital Media Manager

There are loads of ways to commit a crime — from illegally downloading music and jaywalking, all the way to murdering someone; there’s a lot of middle ground that’s uncovered. I’m a pretty average person with no real connection to someone that could easily bail me out of jail, and I don’t really know the legality for literally everything in my life, so I would say that committing any type of crime is pretty much off the table. But I’ve done some not so great stuff here and there, from cheating on tests to flipping people off on the street. However, it’s not like robbing a bank or killing my next-door neighbor’s dog (no matter how annoying it is).

I wouldn’t kidnap someone because that seems like way too much trouble for what it’s worth, and like, what am I supposed to do? Keep one of those ugly ski masks on the entire time? And who am I supposed to kidnap? I can’t do children because they’re way too loud and kind of gross — besides, I know for a fact I would feel way too guilty about it during the whole thing. Then a whole a-s adult? I’m weak, diseased and haven’t properly run since PE during my sophomore year of highschool, so I would become the victim. 

I’m also too impatient to rob a bank, or literally anything else. Sure, maybe I’ve stolen a small trinket here and there, but never enough to have my whole life set. If I were to rob a place, it would have to ensure med school, a proper wedding, four kids — adoption and fostering — a yacht and a third movie of the “National Treasure” series. But see, I get fidgety real quick. And imagine someone with an encyclopedia-long list of undiagnosed mental illnesses with a gun, in a room full of people — yeah, textbook school shooter material. So no, don’t rob a place with someone who has social anxiety. 

“So what would be my perfect crime? Well, it’s simple. I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.” 

Inspired by “The Office” season 5 episode 9.

Contact the author at digitalmediamanager@thewesternhowl.com