Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Huh, weird. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Damn that movie was really bad. 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Wow that was worse than 2016

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me….

Leo 7/23-8/22

When the whole world took the L … lel

Virgo 8/23-9/22

“This mac and cheese, man, Oh, he’s got a plan to end my life” 

Libra 9/23-10/22

I would like a full refund and a heartfelt apology.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

GG, we’ll pick it up next time

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Weird flex but ok lol

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Thanks, I hated it

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

At least it’s over

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

… if you have nothing nice to say then – 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I’m giving you a coupon to shut up 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Oh look it’s a mug that says C–t and the C is the handle. I thought it matched your personality.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Unlock your next gift with a healthy donation of $30 

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I know you hate cheeseburgers, so I got you a cheeseburger without the cheese.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

No, I didn’t get you anything. Did I get you???

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

One (1) free pass to your local occult meeting

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

A stapler and loose staples placed inside neon jello. Useful and delicious! 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

enjoy my half-drunk peppermint mocha 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

What’s that? You don’t want this gag ball?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I couldn’t afford a gift this year, so I got you this box

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

It’s sudoku toilet paper! Figured you needed something to do while you’re in there for an hour

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I hope you enjoy this personalized notebook with a 2-page note I wrote for you and this scrap book and this mug and…

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Midterms

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

The mania that has set in from not sleeping in 3 days will never go away. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 2pm seems to be working so why change it? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Week 8. Is it over yet.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The guy sure looks like plant food to me.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m going to Mcdonalds, you guys wanna tag along?

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

The Sands Of Time Have Reached Their End. To Prepare For Your Finals, You Must Transcend.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

If we all gather at the same time and day on Moodle, could we crash the site? Let’s put the team in teamwork. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Don’t cry because it’s over, cry because it happened

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Don’t mind. Don’t mind.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Spent all week catching up with my classes only to realize I forgot to do a project, lol what’s good y’all

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Procrastinate, stress, cram, forget assignments, cry, rinse and repeat ⏤ it’s week 8 buckos.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Week 8? More like breakdown 80. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Family conversation starters for Thanksgiving

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Look Uncle Rob, I’m going to need you to stop sending me all lives matter memes on Facebook. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Mom, dad, I have something to tell you … I’m gay. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

*silently drinks cranberry juice during the entire dinner*

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I’m going to quit and get the fear.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m never going to another family dinner party. EVER

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Boycott Amazon.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Listen up aunties, stop asking me if I’m in a relationship. Tinder is rough around here. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

So how about them uh. SpOrts huh? Haha

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

So uhhhh.. I lost my virginity.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I’mfailinghalfofmyclasses so April how’re the kids?

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

So I’m a BIG supporter of pineapples on pizza. Anyone else???

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

How about we discuss the rise and fall of capitalism?

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Voting

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Don’t want to hear you whining if you didn’t vote.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Are you ready to see another old white man as president again? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

no you can’t split your vote like your personality

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Hold onto your butts.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just buy a few houseplants to like, help the vibe out, you know? 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Don’t worry, next week’s issue will include destressing tips.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Wait, I was asleep. What happened? 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

If you didn’t vote, I hope you enjoy eternal darkness 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

No matter what happens, we have each other — stay strong!

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Ah, the elderly man contest, the most interesting time of year

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

By mail or booth, you best vote

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Vote, or else…

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Election Reactions

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I never liked oranges anyways.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

The pink nippled community is at it again.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

lovely

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Look! Another powdery old white man won the old white man contest. WHAT AN UPSET!

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’m blue da ba dee da ba daa

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

How ya doin’ champ? Go take a few laps and walk it off, we’ll be fine. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

They wigged the ewection uWu

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Are we saved?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

you’re fired lol

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I’m tired and I hate it here. 

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I didn’t look at my phone once last week. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Horoscopes from The Fly 

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

What if I just took a s—t right now.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

This is a nice spot for a nap.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Bruh why’d he stay so long, get out of there before his hair gel kills you!

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Don’t listen to that guy. He’s trying to lead you down the path of wickedness. I’m gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

He’s not real he’s definitely like a lizard or something

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

You know what they say flies are attracted to.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Thought I was landing on a snack, turned out it was a snake.

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Listen to “Fly on the Wall” by Miley Cyrus.

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

You better vote.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

At least I made him look even more like an idiot

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Oop, time for my 15 minutes of fame (⌐▨_▨)

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I can see why the audience is empty.

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