Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Fall drink the signs would order!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Ice water with whip cream

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Black americano with cream. 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Straight tears

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Throw caramel apples and candy corn in a blender

Leo 7/23-8/22

A Dutch Bros iced Kick-a-lator with cinnamon sprinks. With extra bro. Jump in my car and give me a kiss on the cheek, bro.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Pumpkin spiced thotte 😉

Libra 9/23-10/22

Something sexy, like the infamous Pumpkin Spice Latte

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

peppermint mocha bc I refuse to drink psls

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Venti cup filled with pumpkin cream cold foam. Don’t forget the pumpkin spice topping!

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Just straight caramel syrup and whipped cream in a pumpkin

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Sangria apple cider. Light on the cider cider, extra pinot grigio.?

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Starbucks. Grande Vanilla Bean Frappuccino. Blend in dried blackberries and one pump raspberry syrup. One scoop matcha in the bottom of the cup, one on top of the whipped cream topping.

How I would commit the perfect crime

I want to commit crime but not get caught, and I finally figured out how 

Stephanie Moschella | Digital Media Manager

There are loads of ways to commit a crime — from illegally downloading music and jaywalking, all the way to murdering someone; there’s a lot of middle ground that’s uncovered. I’m a pretty average person with no real connection to someone that could easily bail me out of jail, and I don’t really know the legality for literally everything in my life, so I would say that committing any type of crime is pretty much off the table. But I’ve done some not so great stuff here and there, from cheating on tests to flipping people off on the street. However, it’s not like robbing a bank or killing my next-door neighbor’s dog (no matter how annoying it is).

I wouldn’t kidnap someone because that seems like way too much trouble for what it’s worth, and like, what am I supposed to do? Keep one of those ugly ski masks on the entire time? And who am I supposed to kidnap? I can’t do children because they’re way too loud and kind of gross — besides, I know for a fact I would feel way too guilty about it during the whole thing. Then a whole a-s adult? I’m weak, diseased and haven’t properly run since PE during my sophomore year of highschool, so I would become the victim. 

I’m also too impatient to rob a bank, or literally anything else. Sure, maybe I’ve stolen a small trinket here and there, but never enough to have my whole life set. If I were to rob a place, it would have to ensure med school, a proper wedding, four kids — adoption and fostering — a yacht and a third movie of the “National Treasure” series. But see, I get fidgety real quick. And imagine someone with an encyclopedia-long list of undiagnosed mental illnesses with a gun, in a room full of people — yeah, textbook school shooter material. So no, don’t rob a place with someone who has social anxiety. 

“So what would be my perfect crime? Well, it’s simple. I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business. She’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning, the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada. I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years. She’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.” 

Inspired by “The Office” season 5 episode 9.

Contact the author at digitalmediamanager@thewesternhowl.com

 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Giving advice to new students!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Drop out.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Pedialyte. Lots of pedialyte. Hydration station.  

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Use last year’s essays.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Go to community college first—oh wait

Leo 7/23-8/22

Join clubs, go to social events, make connections with professors, get an internship, get a job. All at once. You totally will not burn out extremely trying to please everyone.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Coffee is your best friend. Literally, you’re not gonna survive without her. 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Befriend people. Many people. Date everyone you meet.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

C’s get degrees. …or is it D’s, idk

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

College is more about the experience than actual learning. Skipping classes is totally fine as long as you’re out living life to the fullest.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Start budgeting, you’ll probably have to survive a couple months with only $13 dollars at least twice.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Summer is over. Accept it and embrace Fall so you can enjoy it!

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Get some food in your stomach before/while drinking so you can drink more

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Hot girl summer tips!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

ur hot already

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Sleep. Nothing else.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Disagreeing with Virgo, avoid the sunscreen and get toasty

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Live life to the fullest and don’t be afraid

Leo 7/23-8/22

Your fire’s a little low babe, it’s time you take it back

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Wear sunscreen with at least SPF 30!

Libra 9/23-10/22

GTL; Gym, tan, laundry! #jerseyshore 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

be queer invoke fear

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

hydrate

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Cry twice a day, it’ll clear your skin up to make for some killer photos

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Act “cultured” and order a “Ban(h) Mi” that’s actually just a chicken sandwich

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Turn up the heater?

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: No theme!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

You have entered the rat zone. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Be gay, do crimes 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

okay google, why does burnt popcorn taste like how cat piss smells?

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Js, i’d sell your soul to satan for a corn chip

Leo 7/23-8/22

EArly summmmmer breakkk plz

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I think, ergo I am.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Hey siri, locate my fwb?

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Say hi to the gods

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Hello my little pogchamp UwU

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

If you see a sagittarius today, attack them say hello 🙂

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

zzzzz

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

All I want today is a good gummy shark. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: One word stories!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Nicolas

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Cage

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Has

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The

Leo 7/23-8/22

Football

Virgo 8/23-9/22

And

Libra 9/23-10/22

He’s

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Going

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

To

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

H–l.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Touchdown!

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

GOAL!!!

Booze & Reviews: “Shaun of the Dead”

A scary but heartwarmingly funny movie in the perspective of two and a half reviewers

Allison Vanderzanden | Lifestyle Editor
Sydney Carpenter | News Editor
Rylie Horrall | Managing Editor

TW: Alcohol consumption

While it’s not the type of horror movie that’s actually scary, “Shaun of the Dead” was able to give us some good laughs for a drunk movie review. Be cautious of spoilers, and please drink responsibly.

Allison Vanderzanden | Lifestyle Editor

I’m just going to start b ysaying that I had no idea what even genre we were watching going in it was so much dry humor that i was confused because i thought we were watching a horror movie??? Sure enough it’a spooky half way through, people are dying, people are moaning and groaning and also dying, and more people are dying cuz they’re killing ebveryone. Horror movie indeed. 

ANyway it actually got emotional and i looked it up and it has a 92% on rotten tomatoes??? Again, not what I expected but i must agree that the mix of horror and comedy was actually impressive ive never experienced such a movie btu it was cool. I dont think horror movies that have zombies are ever that great but like i said, it was cool. GG shaun and the dead. And liz. And the other lady who saved them. OH AND ED WHO”S STILL IN THE SHED. gg to him too. Hahhaha. Ed in the shed. New title for the movie. JK SPOILERS

Sydney Carpenter | News Editor

Welcome to part two of sydney gets drunk what a wild ride folks all i have to say is i fell a sleep during the move and have absolutely not recollection of what actually happened that right ladies gentlemen i fell asleep and i have no regrets anway from what i remmevver that actually had toilet paper evern though dead peope were weeveyr where like wtf like we ran out of toliet paper 3 dayin into a pandemic and then on top of it they didn’t even run out of power anyway im exhausted and i’ve learned my limit is two because holy moly     we are not having it plz and thank you rip my tinder messages peace out girl scouts

Rylie Horrall | Managing Editor

Okay FIRST my man ed was so great, he shaped up his act and was so chillbeat th e end they played games together still!1 he was shooting zombies as a ZOMEBI thats whats the jiikd wird uhhh intraceptive? Idk but lso RIP MOOOOOMM :(((( i knew she was bitten but like SAADADA. Oh and f–k the one guy david? The four eys t–t, david i think he died and that wasnt sad, he was a d—-e so kike theswe things happen to d——-s

I actually didnt liek hate th e moveiw but i don’t think it woudlbt have the same eefect if sober, it was p bad but bad in a good terrible way, theers another i thinking which THAT wukd be fun, like did liz stay with shaun even thoug his bf is deade in the garage? Probably, shes a nice lady i liek her ans she was GOREGOEU FR NO CAP

In conclusion, rip my man ed, well be  asd ab trmom as always, and f–k david d—–g

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