Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Huh, weird. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Damn that movie was really bad. 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Wow that was worse than 2016

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me….

Leo 7/23-8/22

When the whole world took the L … lel

Virgo 8/23-9/22

“This mac and cheese, man, Oh, he’s got a plan to end my life” 

Libra 9/23-10/22

I would like a full refund and a heartfelt apology.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

GG, we’ll pick it up next time

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Weird flex but ok lol

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Thanks, I hated it

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

At least it’s over

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

… if you have nothing nice to say then – 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I’m giving you a coupon to shut up 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Oh look it’s a mug that says C–t and the C is the handle. I thought it matched your personality.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Unlock your next gift with a healthy donation of $30 

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I know you hate cheeseburgers, so I got you a cheeseburger without the cheese.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

No, I didn’t get you anything. Did I get you???

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

One (1) free pass to your local occult meeting

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

A stapler and loose staples placed inside neon jello. Useful and delicious! 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

enjoy my half-drunk peppermint mocha 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

What’s that? You don’t want this gag ball?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I couldn’t afford a gift this year, so I got you this box

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

It’s sudoku toilet paper! Figured you needed something to do while you’re in there for an hour

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I hope you enjoy this personalized notebook with a 2-page note I wrote for you and this scrap book and this mug and…

Take a sip of egg nog when …

The Western Howl Staff

Take a sip of egg nog when …

A family member complains about COVID-19

Someone mentions Kate Brown

A cousin wears a tail to dinner

Any family member impulse-buys off Amazon after a single recommendation

Someone tries to hit the high note in Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” and fails

If one of your younger cousins tries to hit the woah 

A family member says the votes need to be recounted

A baby spits up and everyone says ‘awwww’

Your aunty shows off your baby cousin but it’s ugly :/

You film a tiktok (drink again if you post it)

You get socks as a gift

If your uncle brags way too much about the money he saved by going to Disney World during COVID

Your family still decides to invite those “family friends” you hardly know to dinner

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Midterms

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

The mania that has set in from not sleeping in 3 days will never go away. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 2pm seems to be working so why change it? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Week 8. Is it over yet.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The guy sure looks like plant food to me.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m going to Mcdonalds, you guys wanna tag along?

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

The Sands Of Time Have Reached Their End. To Prepare For Your Finals, You Must Transcend.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

If we all gather at the same time and day on Moodle, could we crash the site? Let’s put the team in teamwork. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Don’t cry because it’s over, cry because it happened

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Don’t mind. Don’t mind.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Spent all week catching up with my classes only to realize I forgot to do a project, lol what’s good y’all

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Procrastinate, stress, cram, forget assignments, cry, rinse and repeat ⏤ it’s week 8 buckos.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Week 8? More like breakdown 80. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Family conversation starters for Thanksgiving

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Look Uncle Rob, I’m going to need you to stop sending me all lives matter memes on Facebook. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Mom, dad, I have something to tell you … I’m gay. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

*silently drinks cranberry juice during the entire dinner*

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I’m going to quit and get the fear.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m never going to another family dinner party. EVER

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Boycott Amazon.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Listen up aunties, stop asking me if I’m in a relationship. Tinder is rough around here. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

So how about them uh. SpOrts huh? Haha

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

So uhhhh.. I lost my virginity.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I’mfailinghalfofmyclasses so April how’re the kids?

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

So I’m a BIG supporter of pineapples on pizza. Anyone else???

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

How about we discuss the rise and fall of capitalism?

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Voting

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Don’t want to hear you whining if you didn’t vote.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Are you ready to see another old white man as president again? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

no you can’t split your vote like your personality

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Hold onto your butts.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just buy a few houseplants to like, help the vibe out, you know? 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Don’t worry, next week’s issue will include destressing tips.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Wait, I was asleep. What happened? 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

If you didn’t vote, I hope you enjoy eternal darkness 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

No matter what happens, we have each other — stay strong!

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Ah, the elderly man contest, the most interesting time of year

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

By mail or booth, you best vote

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Vote, or else…

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Election Reactions

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I never liked oranges anyways.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

The pink nippled community is at it again.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

lovely

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Look! Another powdery old white man won the old white man contest. WHAT AN UPSET!

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’m blue da ba dee da ba daa

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

How ya doin’ champ? Go take a few laps and walk it off, we’ll be fine. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

They wigged the ewection uWu

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Are we saved?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

you’re fired lol

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I’m tired and I hate it here. 

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I didn’t look at my phone once last week. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Horoscopes from The Fly 

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

What if I just took a s—t right now.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

This is a nice spot for a nap.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Bruh why’d he stay so long, get out of there before his hair gel kills you!

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Don’t listen to that guy. He’s trying to lead you down the path of wickedness. I’m gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

He’s not real he’s definitely like a lizard or something

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

You know what they say flies are attracted to.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Thought I was landing on a snack, turned out it was a snake.

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Listen to “Fly on the Wall” by Miley Cyrus.

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

You better vote.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

At least I made him look even more like an idiot

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Oop, time for my 15 minutes of fame (⌐▨_▨)

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I can see why the audience is empty.

This week in completely made up HORRORscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Halloween / Horror

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Wait … what’s that behind you? 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Nothing can scare you when you’re already dead. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

I’ve got something that’ll scare you: 4 midterms on the SAME DAY

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Kxpdq vrgd, L’p jrqqd gulqn lw olnh d shuvrq. (Caesar)

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Week five -shiver-

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Believe in the power of the Mothman. 

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

BOO

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

The real treasure is the demons we bring home from the journey

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I wonder if squirrels can haunt you… I wish I was a squirrel.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I have a message from the ghost that’s been following me since I was 12: he says ‘boo!’

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Spooky scary midterms send shivers down your mind.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The only scary thing about halloween that I enjoy are the zombie shaped chocolates. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Gang gang. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Just … go back to sleep.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

haven’t had coffee yet, pls don’t talk to me

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Out on lunch break, will be back next week 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

As the days get shorter, you become your true self. Embrace the dark, baby.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

No <3

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Some fish can walk out of water, but will they climb trees?

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Hey, I hope you have a wonderful day — you deserve it! Get out there and DEVOUR SOME AVOCADOS.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Go to bed early tonight, treat yourself to at least 8 hours of sleep 🙂

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Is it just me, or is my FBI man listening a little too well?

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Go ahead and buy that extra sticker for your water bottle. You deserve it. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Who else is getting up at 6 a.m. to run? Just me?

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Let’s not and say we did…

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Yeah, no I’m going back to bed, later.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Morsmordre!

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

FABULOUS JUST FABULOUS

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Mercury is not in retrograde. You can blame Earth for your problems.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Have a lovely cup of tea and talk with a stranger

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

No Scorp…io

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Contact the author at smartinez17@wou.edu

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Salad is just a vehicle for croutons, thanks for coming to my TED Talk

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Don’t mind me, just going to go casually have a breakdown in the men’s room, thanks.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

“Suck it up and ask for help” – E.M. 2020

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Sometimes staying up until 3am watching docuseries isn’t the best idea but go off.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Astrology isn’t a lie and you should continue arguing with your parents about it. #fightthegoodfight

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

*eats popcorn while watching Taurus fight with their parents*

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

We’ve come to burgle your turts.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

My apocalypse bingo card has a bingo, what do I win?

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’ll be going back to bed after morning Zoom meetings and you should too

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

If the stars align right hopefully I’ll be a millionaire by the 22nd

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Excuse me while I avoid my class meetings so I can continue to binge Netflix shows

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

LET ME OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT pls 🙂 oh and don’t listen to capricorn 🙂

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Welcome back everyone, good to see you. Oh wait ⏤ waiting…??????? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Side note: sagittarius is lying, you should def listen 🙂

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Listen to a Virgo this week, for they are wise [(－－)]..zzZ

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Hey there delilah what’s it like there in 2021? Im 3 months away but tonight you look so pretty…

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Time to start my year-long backpacking adventure across the wilds of New Mexico! See ya on the flipside ∠(￣^￣) [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] What do you get when you mix a ladybug, a rabbit and a lizard?

Who knows, but I definitely do want to see it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] I have no idea what day it is. I stay up until 6 a.m. working, go to bed, and then wake up at 2 p.m. to start the cycle again. Is today Friday? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] You’ve got that emotional sauce, man.

Go protest. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] When life gives you lemons, give them back and say you want coffee [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] How do I avoid stress? I just don’t write it down. If I don’t write it down, I don’t do it. And if I don’t do it, I don’t stress about it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Bye [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] I should’ve known better. The year never ends easy. Good luck to everyone else. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] PLS DON’T LEAVE ME. I’M GOING TO MISS YOU. WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY??!! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] My mind has snapped like a stale breadstick. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] I’d say I’ve already left the building, but I’m scared to go outside… hold me. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Time to sleep through the entirety of summer bc I’m exhausted af. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Duck! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Have you heard how people have been spotting fairies and unicorns…? Yeah me neither. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Welcome to rat season, sorry, Gemini season. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] We’re all just the Cabbage man from “Avatar.”

 

By the way. Go watch it. It’s on Netflix now. You have no excuses. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Duck! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Oh, Worm. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Im a zebra [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Wait, I didn’t realize that my online classes weren’t optional. Rough. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Sagittarius will be gone this week. Hello, my name is kaiyo and here’s my message for you, “I’m going to hydro flask you.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] *hears classes will be online next term* nO NO you put that sentence back in your mouth. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Goose!

Ew, why did I just do that? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Please excuse me as I watch ten straight hours of “Gilmore Girls” and pretend that this term is over already. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] I’m having me time, get out. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] A great way to achieve some peace and quiet to get what you need done… Don’t do it, let it be and continue your procrastination. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] There are no rules in quarantine except for one. Block block block your ex and never text them again. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] So you’ve started writing poems in your Notes app … you know there’s no coming back from that, right? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Oops *moans* [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Why is “Gravity Falls” only two seasons! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″]Wait what? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Just so we’re all on the same page, flying spiders were a thing in Texas three years ago. But they might come back.. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Who knew that eating chocolate frosting could be such great exercise? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Sorry, it’s week eight and I’m not feeling this, sayonara [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Advice, brought to you by iPhone predictive text: If I don’t wanna go get back with ya, lol. I’m sorry about that. Your email is not working. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″]All quarantine has taught me is that I’m a procrastinating disaster hamster. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Listen, I’m just trying to get through the day. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Now that quarantine has completely wrecked your sleep schedule, you can now hear your neighbors drag racing their cars at 4 a.m. What a time to be alive. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] MIKE WAZOWSKI [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] I can’t think of anything. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] .enitnarauq fo derit os m’I [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] *meme* [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Have you tried just, making banana bread? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Nygel Ian is pretty cool. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Asdfghjkl;’ ? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Keeping it classy in these week-long pjs [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Beans!!! [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] You? ME? Who? We! 

I’m okay, I swear. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Twizzlers solve everything, especially in an apocalypse, so stock up. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Virgo is just out here to rip your heart out. If you know, you know. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] You guys realize the government just confirmed that aliens exist, right? You guys realize that, right? RIGHT?! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Man, Aquarius really said we live in a society. ¦¬) [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] It’s only the matter of time before our government executes Order 66. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] God’s Plague Inc score must be off the charts [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] I’ll fight an alien, I don’t care. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] STREAM SAVAGE REMIX BY MEGAN THEE STALLION (FEAT. BEYONCÉ). [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Check in with any Cancers you know today (I think they’re going a little nuts). [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Maybe we are the virus [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] You ever wonder if we’re all just Sims in a really, really wild game of Sims 2: Double Deluxe? [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

This week in completely made up horoscopes

 

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] What’s a sleep schedule? I wake up and I pass out when I want!! You don’t control me (ง’̀-‘́)ง [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Don’t get your horns in a wad… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] To that one professor who is acting like the world isn’t ending, I hope you run out of toilet paper. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] I’m so bored, the Duolingo owl hasn’t even had to threaten me lately. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] HOI. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] John Oliver is our lord and savior. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] I like looking at big numbers [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Honestly, you shouldn’t be surprised at this point. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] TESTICULAR MASS. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] My new schedule has me drinking my third cup of coffee by 11 a.m., but hey, such is life. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] We asked 100 college students are you Survivin’, Thrivin’, Dyin’? 

Number 1 answer: I have 15 assignments due on Sunday, you do the math. No seriously, please do my math homework. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] My name is Jerry. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

This week in completely made up horoscope

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Wake up 3 minutes before Zoom class. No exceptions. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] I’m zooming out…bye [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Just like how professors knew you were texting in class, professors know you’re playing Animal Crossing on your switch during Zoom. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] I wish my Zoom meeting would get hacked by someone interesting … like Jeff Goldblum and his astounding lesbian energy. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] lol [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] What Sag said…Good luck. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] zoooooooooooooooooooOOOOOooOOOO00O000ooonm

 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] It’s okay to wear no pants when you’re Zooming, they can’t see much anyways. Be comfortable in these uncomfortable times. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] I have no zoom meetings this term, so idk what to tell y’all. Good luck? lmao. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Pro tip: make yourself look sad during your Zoom meeting so the professor won’t call on you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] You think Zoom is only for class? Amateur. I use it to hold my daily sob sessions with my cry guys. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Zoom? Zoom who? The only “Zoom” I know is the PBS series I used to watch as a kid. Best part of my day. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Prepare… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] ‘Tis almost your time… watch out gemini [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] No one can trust Taurus rn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] When you cry, you sound like the opening beat of Roddy Ricch’s “The Box.” Basically, stop. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Why is chickadee crossroads…? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Lemme celebrate my half birthday in peace. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] f–k i forgot to do this [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] It’s easy to forget how good banana bread is, try to remember. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Read page 9. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] First it was us v. Sagittarius. Now it’s Taurus v. Gemini. This should be entertaining. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Don’t cry, craft! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] It’s ok if your life is currently a dumpster fire because at least it’s gonna start raining for the next two weeks straight !  [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

Western Oregon University

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Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

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