This week in completely made up horoscopes

The signs go home for Thanksgiving:

Aries: All I need are my cats and a mega-pint of wine

Taurus: If I hear one more comment about my “holey” jeans I’m going to stuff myself into the turkey

Gemini: STUFFING IS DISGUSTING… and no one can change my mind

Cancer: Currently making a mashed potato mountain with gravy lava— I’m the family disappointment

Leo: laughing really hard at my grandparents homophobic jokes so I stay in the will

Virgo: The in-laws keep using decorative towels as napkins and I’m losing it

Libra: Time to retell the story of how my ex and I broke up for the millionth time

Scorpio: pretending I’m vegan so I don’t have to eat mom’s God awful turkey

Sagittarius: Shoving the whole bread roll in my mouth to avoid throwing it at my uncle

Capricorn: talking to a few people and then secretly taking a plate into the bathroom 

Aquarius: Trying not to make eye-contact with my cousin during the family prayer so we don’t start laughing

Pisces: Avoiding eye-contact and only hanging out with the family dog