This week in completely made up horoscopes

Here’s what the signs are doing for the spooky season:

Aries: Taking out their anger with a pumpkin and carving tools. 

Taurus: Why would I walk around to get candy when I could just doordash it? At home, in bed. 

Gemini: having more fun getting ready for parties than the actual parties

Cancer: dressing as a clown and scaring kids to make them drop their candy

Leo: Going to parties as a Canvas to-do list so maybe she’ll finally look at me

Virgo: doing the 24 hour challenge at Spirit Halloween

Libra: Spending all of Halloweekend deciding which scary movie to watch

Scorpio: Calling their mom because they got lost in the corn maze 

Sagittarius: Doing homework while crying.

Capricorn: Probably working, take a break ya psycho.

Aquarius: Plotting the best route for optimal candy collection… and finding a kid to go with as an excuse.

Pisces: Not invited to parties, plotting revenge.