This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The signs walk into a bar…

Aries: orders a shirley temple… extra cherries

Taurus: Immediately turns around because the bartender is cute

Gemini: tries to charm the bartender for free drinks (and fails)

Cancer: sees a man and walks out…

Leo: is this the punch line?

Virgo: Walks right back out

Libra: wonders which of the people they should stare at the whole night

Scorpio: “…ouch.”

Sagittarius: If they play Taylor Swift I’m going to throw hands and drinks

Capricorn: drunk crying in the bathroom all night

Aquarius: avoids eye contact with everyone

Pisces: Home! Sweet Home!