This week in completely made up horoscopes

Aries: buying half price candy and advil at the drugstore

Taurus: saw the opportunity to run away last night and hasn’t been seen since

Gemini: already making a Pinterest board for next year’s fit

Cancer: still sleeping on the lawn after trying to connect with their inner moon child 

Leo: putting up Christmas decorations

Virgo: to-do list was finished like three hours ago, superiority complex fulfilled

Libra: cleaning up after everyone else

Scorpio: Mariah Carey currently on defrost

Sagittarius: Clearance shopping Halloween decor

Capricorn: getting ready for their birthdays

Aquarius: sleeping until December

Pisces: hungover covered in candy wrappers.