Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The signs during Spring break:


Taurus: Doing nothing but cooking, sleeping and recovering 

Gemini: already in hot girl summer gear

Cancer: Thrifting a whole new wardrobe 

Leo: Making friends with everyone at the beach

Virgo: passive aggressive spring cleaning

Libra: aggressive spring cleaning

Scorpio: cry.

Sagittarius: taking their free time out on others 🙂

Capricorn: trying to be an arsonist but isn’t succeeding

Aquarius: sleep.

Pisces: feet in the sand with a drink in each hand 

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The signs go on a date…

Aries: silently takes notes to debrief with the besties later

Taurus: kum n go 

Gemini: immediately exposes all of their red flags

Cancer: Falls in love after being shown the absolute bare minimum

Leo: has a mental breakdown and goes home.

Virgo: Canceled last minute, berates themselves for making plans on a sacred friday evening

Libra: goes way over the top and overwhelms their date

Scorpio: Oh the date went well? Time to rent the U-Haul

Sagittarius: Date so crazy our first stop was couple’s counseling

Capricorn: *stuffs breadsticks into pockets*

Aquarius: doesn’t make it through the door

Pisces: I’m way overdressed for hotdogs in the park

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The signs walk into a bar…

Aries: orders a shirley temple… extra cherries

Taurus: Immediately turns around because the bartender is cute

Gemini: tries to charm the bartender for free drinks (and fails)

Cancer: sees a man and walks out…

Leo: is this the punch line?

Virgo: Walks right back out

Libra: wonders which of the people they should stare at the whole night

Scorpio: “…ouch.”

Sagittarius: If they play Taylor Swift I’m going to throw hands and drinks

Capricorn: drunk crying in the bathroom all night

Aquarius: avoids eye contact with everyone

Pisces: Home! Sweet Home!

This week is completely made up horoscopes

The Signs Snowed-in

Aries: sleeping for 12 hours straight

Taurus: debating on redownloading dating apps due to boredom

Gemini: on the fourth rewatch of Grey’s Anatomy

Cancer: Rearranging my room for the 100th time

Leo: losing my mind.

Virgo: ate shit on the ice trying to take out trash

Libra: Finally getting to that tbr list

Scorpio: I’m running out of canned soup and conversation topics with my cats

Sagittarius: no longer on speaking terms with my roommate

Capricorn: Reading smut books and overcaffeinated

Aquarius: Rotting with my video games

Pisces: makes a playlist so they can stare off into the distance

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The signs go home for Thanksgiving:

Aries: All I need are my cats and a mega-pint of wine

Taurus: If I hear one more comment about my “holey” jeans I’m going to stuff myself into the turkey

Gemini: STUFFING IS DISGUSTING… and no one can change my mind

Cancer: Currently making a mashed potato mountain with gravy lava— I’m the family disappointment

Leo: laughing really hard at my grandparents homophobic jokes so I stay in the will

Virgo: The in-laws keep using decorative towels as napkins and I’m losing it

Libra: Time to retell the story of how my ex and I broke up for the millionth time

Scorpio: pretending I’m vegan so I don’t have to eat mom’s God awful turkey

Sagittarius: Shoving the whole bread roll in my mouth to avoid throwing it at my uncle

Capricorn: talking to a few people and then secretly taking a plate into the bathroom 

Aquarius: Trying not to make eye-contact with my cousin during the family prayer so we don’t start laughing

Pisces: Avoiding eye-contact and only hanging out with the family dog

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Aries: buying half price candy and advil at the drugstore

Taurus: saw the opportunity to run away last night and hasn’t been seen since

Gemini: already making a Pinterest board for next year’s fit

Cancer: still sleeping on the lawn after trying to connect with their inner moon child 

Leo: putting up Christmas decorations

Virgo: to-do list was finished like three hours ago, superiority complex fulfilled

Libra: cleaning up after everyone else

Scorpio: Mariah Carey currently on defrost

Sagittarius: Clearance shopping Halloween decor

Capricorn: getting ready for their birthdays

Aquarius: sleeping until December

Pisces: hungover covered in candy wrappers. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Here’s what the signs are doing for the spooky season:

Aries: Taking out their anger with a pumpkin and carving tools. 

Taurus: Why would I walk around to get candy when I could just doordash it? At home, in bed. 

Gemini: having more fun getting ready for parties than the actual parties

Cancer: dressing as a clown and scaring kids to make them drop their candy

Leo: Going to parties as a Canvas to-do list so maybe she’ll finally look at me

Virgo: doing the 24 hour challenge at Spirit Halloween

Libra: Spending all of Halloweekend deciding which scary movie to watch

Scorpio: Calling their mom because they got lost in the corn maze 

Sagittarius: Doing homework while crying.

Capricorn: Probably working, take a break ya psycho.

Aquarius: Plotting the best route for optimal candy collection… and finding a kid to go with as an excuse.

Pisces: Not invited to parties, plotting revenge.