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Mount Hood

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

February 5, 2025

The Signs as types of cookies

Aries: Red velvet with white chocolate chips

Taurus: Thumbprint cookie

Gemini: raw cookie dough

Cancer: samoas 

Leo: Oatmeal raisin 

Virgo: too salty chocolate chip

Libra: Sugar cookie

Scorpio: Double chocolate chunk

Sagittarius: White chocolate macadamia

Capricorn: Thin mints

Aquarius: Gingersnap

Pisces: Snickerdoodle

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

The Signs as Crayola Colors:

Aries: Literally all of them

Taurus: Forest green

Gemini: sassy salmon

Cancer: brick red 

Leo: Dandelion yellow

Virgo: useless white

Libra: Purple Mountains’ Majesty

Scorpio: Screamin’ green

Sagittarius: Razzmatazz

Capricorn: Tickle me pink

Aquarius: Wild blue yonder

Pisces: laser lemon

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

The Signs as houseplants

Aries: Bird of paradise

Taurus: Poinsettia 

Gemini: a dead fern

Cancer: a dying cactus with a singular pink flower 

Leo: Marble Monstera

Virgo: a fake houseplant

Libra: English Ivy

Scorpio: Snake plant

Sagittarius: String of pearls

Capricorn: Neon Pothos

Aquarius: a spider plant that has grown out of control

Pisces: Anthurium

The signs as Spotify playlists

The Signs as Spotify playlists

Aries: 0 patience, 100% hits

Taurus: Staring at the ceiling at 3 am with a bit of existential dread

Gemini: midwestern emo with a bit of theatre kid

Cancer: Fiona Apple ranked in order of rage. 

Leo: Early 2000s club music

Virgo: music to listen to if you hate yourself

Libra: music i would play for you if we were two small bugs watching the sunset

Scorpio: Songs to romance Astarion to

Sagittarius: Peppermint Patty, the Bi-icon you are

Capricorn: it’s 2012, you’re trying on jeans in the fitting room, they don’t fit, the walls are closing in

Aquarius: Impromptu drive to the coast

Pisces: Psych rock for finger painting

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The Signs’ New Year’s resolutions

Aries: Try to listen better… only if everyone agrees I’m right first

Taurus: Actually socialize

Gemini: become a hotter but worse person

Cancer: get. it. together.  

Leo: Doesn’t even bother making any, because there is no possible way to be more perfect

Virgo: touch grass

Libra: Embracing that work life balance

Scorpio: collect more shiny things

Sagittarius: global domination

Capricorn: deciding next year’s resolution

Aquarius: Stop spending over $100 at Trader Joe’s

Pisces: Becoming the best version of myself

This week in entirely made up horoscopes…

The Signs over Winter Break:

Aries: Spends their life savings on presents

Taurus: Makes far too many baked goods

Gemini: lowkey the grinch

Cancer: tangled in Christmas lights 🙁  

Leo: Hitting the slopes

Virgo: finally gonna write that book (not really)

Libra: in a meat coma   

Scorpio: Ho ho ho-ing it up

Sagittarius: getting turnt AF

Capricorn: break? never heard of her 

Aquarius: Silently judging all of the presents

Pisces: sleeping until noon every day 

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes….

What the Signs bring to Thanksgiving

Aries: Literally everything

Taurus: Turducken

Gemini: half a bottle of wine and store-bought potato salad

Cancer: The booze 

Leo: The drama

Virgo: a really good but weird dessert nobody’s ever had before

Libra: Burnt Mac and cheese  

Scorpio: A ham encased in jell-o

Sagittarius: The good brownies 😉

Capricorn: Bear ribs

Aquarius: Their own experimental version of green bean casserole

Pisces: Half-eaten pumpkin pie