Mount Hood

A letter from Donald Trump’s penis


By: Katrina Penaflor
Staff Writer

It’s been a big week for me. I mean, huge.

I’ll begin by saying hello. My twitter followers have nearly tripled in the last four days on account of this penis-gate and, as a very busy penis, I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Let me start with my weekly penis recap. This is super important for me as I often have many things to discuss, but I feel like now I have the ideal platform for people to willingly listen.

First off, did you notice Donald has been wearing slightly shorter ties? I have reason to believe this is to put me back in the spotlight.

Second, hello Marco Rubio, you hater. I heard what you had to say about Donald’s hands, and as someone who is very closely acquainted with both his hands I have to say they also are huge. P.S. Donald told me you wear a wig.

Third, have you noticed how beautiful Melania looks? How she’s always smiling? Yeah, you’re welcome.

Fourth, back to Marco Rubio, notice how he couldn’t even say the word penis? How can you vote for a guy who doesn’t say the word penis? I mean, come on.

Also, I wanted to discuss that aside from the very important job of being Donald Trump’s penis, I’m also his fact checker, chief advisor, and Twitter writer on Thursdays.

Remember his idea to build the wall? Yeah, he asked me about it and I said, “Erect it, definitely. Make it the biggest, thickest wall possible.”

Remember everything he’s ever said during every debate? Yup, those points went straight through me first.

Remember how he always calls people a loser on Twitter? Well, that wasn’t me because I think calling people a loser is mean, but I definitely once tweeted a complaint about how short Marco Rubio is.

Oh, and how can I forget, I co-authored “The Art of the Deal” with Donald. Greatest business book of all time. Seriously, bring me a copy and I’ll be happy to sign it for you.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with a Mr. Christie at four.

Contact the author at or on Twitter @journalkatrina

Humor: Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
100 percent the answer to your question is vodka. (I’m contractually obligated to assert this horoscope is for readers 21+.)

Taurus 4/20-5/20
A mysterious box will arrive at your door tomorrow, Taurus. I advise you to take everything that’s inside, but leave the Troll doll that was clearly given a haircut by a five-year-old with safety scissors.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Tomorrow at lunch you’ll receive a bread roll that looks extremely similar to a vagina. This is your new lucky charm. Seriously, Jupiter told me. I can’t make this sh– up. But then again, these horoscopes are completely made up … so, I guess I can.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Vanilla wafer.

Leo 7/23-8/22
We get it, Leo, you’re a hipster. Please stop serving people deconstructed dinners on dust pans and unsanded blocks of wood.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
#avocadotoast #encryptedpromproposal #Wolfieontheloose #earlymorningcardio #detoxtea #wanderlust

Libra 9/23-10/22
The stars are all over the place for you this week, Libra. I spy a vacation coming up. And by vacation, I mean a low-budget trip, and by low-budget trip, I mean you’ll have to time to drive over to Salem tomorrow.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You received incredibly high ratings on Yelp this week, Scorpio. One reviewer said, “Handshakes are definitely above par.”

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, the question you asked the universe last week was “how many cats are too many?” Seven. Seven cats are WAY too many.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
I’ve exhausted all my horoscopes pertaining to you being pregnant, Capricorn. So, here’s a riddle: what has four legs, four arms, two sets of eyes, and two mouths—but only for nine months?

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I know it’s a rough situation, Aquarius. Believe me, I’ve been there. But you cannot prevent the grilled cheeses from burning on Thursday. No way around it, just order a pizza.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
For the next week your diet will consist entirely of those cheese crackers with the peanut butter in them and Gardetto’s rye chips.

Ranking TikTok Communities

The Western Howl Staff

  • Cottagecore
  • Skater TikTok
  • Sword TikTok
  • LGBT TIkTok
  • ATLA TikTok
  • Twilight TikTok
  • BLM TikTok
  • Goblincore 


  • Art TikTok
  • Cosplay TikTok
  • Aesthetic TikTok
  • Home Decor TikTok
  • Teacher TikTok
  • Goth TikTok
  • Jello TikTok
  • Welding TikTok


  • Bean TikTok
  • DIY TikTok
  • Booktok
  • Witch TikTok
  • Skincare TikTok
  • Small House TikTok
  • Birb TikTok
  • Rollerskating TikTok


  • Alt TIkTok
  • Foraging TikTok
  • Cursed TikTok
  • Healing TikTok
  • Cow TikTok
  • Croc tok
  • Transition TikTok


  • Furry TikTok
  • Thrifting TikTok
  • DND TikTok
  • Musical TikTok
  • Grass TikTok


  • Inspiration TikTok
  • Math TikTok
  • Fitness TikTok
  • Conservative TikTok
  • Astrology TikTok
  • Hamilton TikTok


  • Straight TikTok
  • Author TikTok
  • Weeb TikTok
  • Thirst Trap TikTok
  • Criminal TikTok
  • Mafia TikTok
  • POV’s

This week in entirely made up horoscopes…

The signs and their mascots

Aries: trembling chihuahua

Taurus: shark 🙂 

Gemini: a very two-faced fox

Cancer: KILLER whale 

Leo: Lion 

Virgo: Snapping turtle 

Libra: ugly wolfie from the 90s 

Scorpio: black cat named Okra 

Sagittarius: elvis presley impersonator  

Capricorn: Oscar the Grouch

Aquarius: octopus 

Pisces: Shellsea from fishhooks 

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The Signs’ favorite class

Aries: philosophy, so I can say my inner thoughts and still sound smart

Taurus: Lunch hour 

Gemini: animal psychology because it’s cooler than regular psychology

Cancer: nap time… like in preschool 

Leo: recess!

Virgo: gender studies

Libra: art history…

Scorpio: the one your mom teaches

Sagittarius: Sex Ed

Capricorn: Cliterature

Aquarius: psychology so I can finally understand what’s wrong with me

Pisces: Music 

Humor: The eternal debate: do cats have elbows or knees?

Chrys Weedon | Entertainment Editor


Cats are quadrupeds, meaning they walk on all four limbs. Some mistaken people would argue that because they have four legs, cats have four knees. This, however, is not an anatomic fact.

Bridget Parker, a senior studying biology with an zoology emphasis and an intern at Wildlife Safari specializing in big cats, knows that cats have elbows.

“Cats have two sets of joints in their forelimbs: an ankle and an elbow. Their ankle is just above their toes and are fairly similar to human wrists. The second joint is their elbow and is located about midway up their forelimb,” said Parker.

A more in-depth look that the anatomy of feline limbs — discussed on — shows that they have two different types of joints: hinge joints and condylar joints. Hinge joints are like human elbows and ankles, and condylar joints are similar to human knees. Cat’s elbow and knee joints are located further up on their limbs than human limbs. Felines have a elbow-like hinge joint on each front limb and a condylar knee-like joint on each back limb. This means that a cat has two elbows and two knees. Doctor of Veterinary Medicine Greg Martinez even acknowledges that cats have elbows in his videos on YouTube.

Miseducated people may also say that since the front limbs bend in the same direction as the back limbs, they must all be the same kind of joint. These people are mistaken. What looks like the knee on the lower hind limbs of a feline are actually the tops of their elongated feet. Their actual knees are located closer to the hips. Therefore, the hind leg knee joint bends a different way than the front limb elbow joint.

Just because cats have four legs does not automatically mean that they have four knees — this would mean that each limb had the same kind of joint. This is simply and scientifically not true. Furthermore, cats have patellas, or kneecaps, on their hind legs. They do not have kneecaps on their front legs. This clearly proves that cats have two elbows and two knees.

Contact the author at


Ashlynn Norton | Photo Editor


When you look at a cat, a lot of things come to mind. Such as “ball of anger”, “pure evil”, and “the furry animal that is cute, but could shred you to pieces” — just to name a few. There are many things about them that are odd. Cats could even have their own conspiracy theories centered around them because everything related to them is questionable.

It wasn’t long ago when I came to the profound conclusion that cats in fact don’t have elbows, and only have knees. When you watch a cat walk, their legs all bend in the same direction. If you look at a human, their knees and elbows bend in different directions. So who is to say that cats have both knees and elbows?

In my scientific research and opinion (from watching my cat) feline creatures only have knees. I mean, who just looks at a cat and says, “Yeah, that animal has elbows”? When I look at a cat, their appendages all appear to be knees. If you think of a knee as a weight bearing joint, then that proves my point of cats only having knees, instead of having both elbows and knees. People don’t call cat appendages “arms”, they’re called legs, and legs have knees. Therefore, again, CATS ONLY HAVE KNEES. It’s like arguing about cereal being a soup, or whether or not Lighting McQueen has car insurance or life insurance.

People who like to flex their researching skills would quote a person who is studying biology, or even veterinarians who post on YouTube. They would use quotes from these people who claim that cats have elbows, clearly spreading FALSE INFORMATION. We all know that false news is the worst.

It makes no sense, but also complete sense at the same time. I just have this deep gut feeling from being a “cat expert” (I have three cats, so I can give myself that title) that cats only have knees. You wouldn’t question a mathematician when they say that one plus one equals two. So why would you question me, the cat expert?

Contact the author at



Illustrations by Rachel Hetzel

This week in totally made up horoscopes

The Signs as cartoon characters

Aries: stewie griffin

Taurus: kenny mccormick

Gemini: the street rat known as Aladdin

Cancer: Edd aka double D

Leo: Simba 

Virgo: mordecai regular show

Libra: porky pig 

Scorpio: arnold perlstein (look it up)

Sagittarius: bojack horseman 

Capricorn: Dipper Pines because we’re so neurotic

Aquarius: oswald the octopus

Pisces: silvermist