“500 Days of Summer:” what emotional rollercoaster did I just get into?
By: Jade Rayner 21 year old adult
If you’ve never noticed the preface at the beginning of this movie, you’ve been missing out.
I generally think “tell me a story” formula movies are lazy garbage, but somehow this one gets an exception. This, and “The Princess Bride.” Seriously though, just get into it.
“I always thought she was more of a winter person,” my friend says in response to Zooey Deschanel’s character Summer. She’s right.
The flirting in this movie is so far from subtle, they should just walk up to each other and say “hey, I’m flirting,” and live their lives from there.
I can’t handle the time switches in this movie. Thank you for the screen that shows which day out of the 500 days we are in, but it’s still a lot to keep up with.
Is Summer supposed to run over and make out with him every time he plays The Smiths? It seems like that’s what they’re getting at. No.
There is definitely a right and wrong time for method acting. These guys should probably be drunk for real, because the acting is as smooth as sandpaper.
The first half-hour summed up in one sentence: I’m not sure if I’m watching a “love story” between middle schoolers or adults, but they’re beautiful actors in general, so here we are.
“500 Days of Summer” is the only reason I want to go to IKEA. Is it actually cute? Or is there more to it? Why are they being stereotypical? And are people allowed to just make out in the beds? Think of the children.
SHE LITERALLY SAYS SHE DOESN’T WANT ANYTHING SERIOUS. LISTEN UP, JOSEPH.
The post-sex musical scene is the most magical moment in the whole movie. This is how I feel every time I leave my last final.
From happiness to depression in two seconds. Thanks.
Never doubt the emotional bond between a cat and a person. This isn’t related to the movie, but it’s important to note as I am currently crying over a cat that’s not even mine.
There are a lot of awful sexist moments. How have I never noticed this before? It’s hidden behind the semi-cute nature of this movie.
TWO PERSON RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT DECIDED BY ONE, SINGLE PERSON, TOM.
Now the penis game. It’s decided: middle school.
Now this is a French film?
I would buy a greeting card that started as a poem, and then turned into a hateful revenge letter. I really don’t see the problem. Tom’s boss is far too nitpick.
The expectation vs. reality segment is killer in the worst way. But you had to see it coming. I didn’t, but that’s not the point.
There really do need to be more greeting cards featuring cats.
To sum it up, Tom is whiney and can’t get a clue. Summer is living her life mostly-honest, but doesn’t consider other people’s feelings.
IF THE GIRL’S NAME IS A SEASON, DON’T DO IT. SHE IS NOT YOUR SOUL MATE.
Contact the author at jrayner14@wou.edu
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Disney, meet Kubrick
By: Darien Campo | Film Aficionado
Film fans rejoice. Last week, the Walt Disney Company finally signed a multi-million dollar, multi-corporation contract which has been years in the making, officially granting them all rights to the entirety of late director Stanley Kubrick’s back catalogue.
“It’s a very exciting time,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said in a press conference last Friday. We’ve known for years now that Disney has hit its stride, and we can all admit that it’s time for us to pursue a new angle, if we dare to continue releasing films.”
“I’ve been saying this for years,” Zenia Mucha, executive vice president and chief communications officer at Disney told the Washington Post. “If we have to do one more god d— heartwarming musical about talking animals, I’m burning this place to the ground. So I gave Bob an ultimatum: either we purchase the rights to every Stanley Kubrick film, or I’m out. And he knew I was serious.”
The Stanley Kubrick Cinematic Universe, or SKCU as Disney is calling it, will reportedly mold perfectly with Disney’s existing film canons.
“This is the greatest day of my life,” Kevin Feige, president of Marvel Studios said in an online post yesterday. “I always knew, no matter what, that the Marvel Cinematic Universe would never reach its peak until I was legally able to give the OK on Dr. Strange vs. Dr. Strangelove – and now I can.”
Feige has also greenlit production on sequels to “A Clockwork Orange,” “Lolita” and “Spartacus,” as well as sending talent scouts to begin casting for a “2001: A Space Odyssey” television series exclusively for Netflix.
What’s in the future for Disney? A whole lot, according to Pixar chief creative officer, John Lasseter: “It’s a world of opportunity that has opened up to us now. The first project I ever started was a CGI children’s remake of Kubrick’s ‘Barry Lyndon,’ but Steve Jobs told me there was no way he was going to purchase those rights for us. So eventually that project became Toy Story. But you know what? Steve Jobs is dead now. And so is that b—– Kubrick, so I’m going to make whatever film I want to make, and there’s no one left alive who can tell me I can’t.”
Today, an article in Entertainment Weekly revealed that DC is currently in talks to purchase the rights to the filmography of Paul Thomas Anderson.
Contact the author at dcampo13@wou.edu
Harper Lee’s posthumous masterpiece
By: Darien Campo Literary Critic
It’s barely been a year, and readers around the world are still mourning the tragic loss of literary-giant Harper Lee. In only two books, Lee opened the hearts and minds of generations to a world of honesty and raw humanity. Harper Lee’s writing truly changed the face of the modern novel – and even in death, she’s about to do it again.
Last week, Lee’s estate announced they were releasing her third, unpublished, never-before-seen novel, “Go See The Watchmen.”
“She considered it her magnum opus,” Lee’s counsel told Time magazine. “All she ever wanted was for people to read this book.”
“Go See the Watchmen,” a 251 page rave review of Zack Snyder’s 2009 film “Watchmen” has been met with adoration from critics around the globe.
“Beautiful,” said James Wood, professor of the practice of literary criticism at Harvard University. “Absolutely gorgeous. The prose in ‘Go See The Watchmen’ is leading today’s literary slop by miles. No other author even stands a chance in the shad
ow of the late and great Harper Lee.”
Lee, after seeing “Watchmen” in theatres in 2009, was reportedly transfixed by the film. She praised Larry Fong’s cinematography as a “wonderful feast for the eyes – truly every frame a vast feat for the world of film!” She applauded David Hayter and Alex Tse’s bravery in taking the “substandard plot” of the source comic, by Alan Moore and David Gibbons, and “weaving it into something fantastic.”
“Even in her last days, all she would ever talk about is that movie,” her caretaker said in an interview with the New Yorker. “‘Annie,’ she would call out to me, ‘Annie, people have to see ‘The Watchmen,’ it could change the world.’ She even woke me once, in the middle of the night, screaming. She said that she had a nightmare that she was remembered in death for her previous book, the bird one, instead of what she considered to be her greatest work, ‘Go See The Watchmen.’”
“I told her there was no ‘The,’ it’s just ‘Watchmen,’ but, you know how they get at that age,” she continued.
Though most of the 251-page book is nothing but consistent praise of the 2009 action film, Harper Lee did have one criticism to offer.
“Of the many regrets of my life, my greatest will be that I did not get to see more of Rorschach. It is a dangerous opportunity wasted to have underused such a beautiful character, and Mr. Snyder should be ashamed of himself. Or perhaps he could make a Rorschach solo film sometime in the near future. Before I pass away would be nice,” wrote Harper Lee in “Go See The Watchmen.”
When asked for comment, director Zack Snyder replied, “Harper who?”
Contact the author at dcampo13@wou.edu
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Aries 3/21-4/19
Time to start spamming social media about how hard your one online final is going to be.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Remember to renew your Amazon Prime membership, Taurus. Otherwise you’ll be looking at overdraft fees and will have no one to blame except yourself.
Gemini 5/21-6/20
It’s dead week. I don’t think you need me to tell you it’s not going to be fun.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
Leo 7/23-8/22
Cool it with the calzones, Leo. Just eat pizza like an American.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
The stars know what you’re thinking, Virgo, but quitting school to escape finals will only be a temporary relief. Keep on fighting that good fight.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You discover you have a new talent this week. Congratulations! But the heat in your veins suggests this is more than a simple parlor trick.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
If you watch too many sad shows on Netflix this week, chances are you’ll be wrist-deep in a pint of ice cream by finals.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Take some time off over break and hit the waves. The water will help relieve your stress.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Start the upcoming term fresh; move around your furniture and soak up the febreze-laced clouds of spring.
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Aries 3/21-4/19
– Even if it’s sunny, bring your umbrella, Aries. Chances are it’ll rain if you leave it home.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
– Don’t drink milk ever again, Taurus. The stars are telling me milk is the preferred beverage of your future nemesis.
Gemini 5/21-6/20:
Re-think getting that, “best friends,” tattoo. You’re going to regret it in a week.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
Your screams echo into eternity. Has it been a hundred minutes or a hundred years? You cannot recall, for time has come to a standstill.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Be careful, Leo. With the moon where it is, you’re likely to accidentally print pages in color instead of black and white. You’re going to need those print credits.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Sweet Virgo, I see a furry friend in your future. Time to put that dog filter to rest, and start taking snaps of your newly adopted pup.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. They’re not having a comeback, it’s not 2008; there’s no reason to be listening to them. Love yourself.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Use Husqvarna.com’s chainsaw selector to find the best saw for your needs.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, stop bringing your umbrella with you everywhere you go. Any day you have it, it’ll be useless. The rain only comes when you’re unprepared.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Treat yourself this week; get that space-themed eyeshadow palette that you’ve been pining after. It’ll only momentarily distract you from your anxiety, but it’ll be worth it.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
The stars are throwing you a life jacket, Aquarius. Be sure not to drown in the work that you’ll inevitably procrastinate doing.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
You have to break up with them, Pisces. I know you love them, but you have to. The deep-fried golden perfection is cheating on you. That’s what you get for dating a chicken tender.
Valentine’s nay
By: Ashton Newton Hopeless Non-Romantic
50.2 percent of Americans are single, yet around the time of Valentine’s Day, stores fill up with heart shaped chocolates, roses and those atrocious teddy bears.
As part of the 50.2 percent, I vowed this year to make good use of all of these Valentine’s Day products, while also fully embracing my loneliness.
I made it my mission this February to buy as much Valentine’s Day decorations and candy as I could, but without letting the love aspect play a role.
First, I bought an adorable stuffed dog holding a heart. The cashier smiled at me, but she had no idea of my true intentions. With a knife, I removed the heart and now I have a perfectly normal stuffed dog. Take that Valentine’s Day.
Next, I stocked up on heart-shaped milk chocolates. I turned the heart shaped container into an awesome frisbee, then melted the chocolate down and poured it over a bowl of vanilla ice cream which I ate while binge watching “Planet Earth.” Again, take that.
Ever notice how sharing champagne or sparkling cider never seems right? This Valentine’s Day I bought bottles just for myself to fill a mug with and I couldn’t be happier.
I spent three hours last night filling out Valentine cards. They were all from me, addressed to flattering adjectives that describe me. I’m going to be so happy when I see them on the 14th.
Candles always go on sale around Valentine’s Day. It’s the perfect time to place them around the bath tub and watch Hulu for an unreasonable amount of time.
The day after Valentine’s Day, all the heart shaped chocolate that wasn’t sold is extremely cheap. This Valentine’s Day I plan to make a game plan of all the stores I’ll hit up in order to reap the benefits of unsold chocolate.
However lonely life gets, I just remind myself how awesome frisbees are, how great chocolate is and how being alone isn’t so bad if I love myself.
Don’t contact the author, he’s satisfied being alone.
Happy Valentine’s Day?
By: Paige Scofield Natural Disaster
Feb. 14th, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day, is a time of chocolates, cards, fancy dinners, broken hearts, love, frilly things, crippling self doubt, romance and candlelight. But people always seem to miss the most important aspect of the 14th, and they have been forgetting it for years. It’s Oregon’s birthday! Our beautiful state turns 158 this year, and I bet it didn’t even cross your mind. Every year I send invitations to everybody. Where were you when it was 
Oregon’s 150th? Making out and having fun with someone because of some stupid holiday?
Oregon was really hurt, and I was the only one at the party. It got really awkward, because it was a potluck, but all I brought was a 10 pound bag of ice for the drinks that weren’t there. We had to eat ice. There wasn’t even cake. Just ice. I also accidentally bought a block instead of crushed ice, so we literally had to use an ice pick to eat some of the worst ice I’ve ever had. I knew I shouldn’t have skimped and bought the off-brand ice.
Anyway, why do you keep taking Oregon for granted? You’ve literally lived together for years. Not to mention, who wouldn’t want to take Oregon out for a birthday/Valentine’s Day date? Oregon is absolutely stunning, and has a little bit of everything: beaches, deserts, hipsters, mountains, forests, cities and great restaurants. Valentine’s Day was created by candy companies too … Okay, I can’t do this anymore, I’m honestly just really hurt that nobody asked me out for Valentines Day. I mean I love Oregon’s birthday, but it’s too much state for me to handle and Oregon never calls back. I’m drowning in loneliness, and soon to be discount chocolate. WHY WILL NO ONE LOVE ME?
Contact the author?
By: Brian Tesch Advertising Manager
For all of our lives, we were taught to use water to brew a cup of coffee
in the morning. Let’s admit it: after a while, black coffee can be a bit dull. Until now, your only option was to buy either an expensive Keurig or espresso machine, maybe you add a bit of syrup after your coffee is brewed. Or maybe you’re just a dull person and drink black coffee every morning.
My question is simple, can you brew coffee with liquids other than water to spice up your mornings? The Journal decided to do some experimenting to find the answer.
#1: Coffee Brewed with Coca-Cola Vanilla 6/10
My first reaction was to remark on the delightful smoothness of the drink. The Coke seems to brilliantly mask the coffee without covering the flavor too much. A hint of vanilla seals the deal. This drink is almost comparable to the adrenaline rush of wrestling grizzly bears. That is, until the bear notices you and rips your head off.
#2: Coffee Brewed with Dr. Pepper 2/10
This depends on your interpretation of fresh sewage. You may find this drink bearable if you’re the type of person who digs through rubbish bins, finds half eaten cans of old spam and thinks “jackpot.” If you wake up in the morning believing you are a potato trapped in a human body, I’d recommend this drink for you.
#3: Coffee brewed with Raspberry lemonade 7/10
This is by far my favorite one of the mix, a very sophisticated flavor of cooked raspberry with a side of coffee. This cup is for thrill seekers only, if you are the
type of person who rides roller coasters for the initial view, steer clear. If you drink this regularly you may lose most of your friends to extreme jealousy.
#4: Coffee Brewed with Sunny D 1/10
Initially, the smell is appalling, but only after you take your first sip do you realize the scale of the mistake you have just made. It smells and tastes like a pidan egg. I would drink this cup if I was the sort of person who enjoyed shoving furious rodents into my mouth in the morning. Recommending this drink would be as misguided as recommending an adult film for its plot.
Contact the author at journaladvertising@wou.edu
Horoscopes
The Candy Critic: Reese’s
By: Ashton Newton self-proclaimed candyman
When I dig into a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, I know exactly what to expect. That perfect blend of chocolate and peanut butter melting in my mouth and, for just a second, washing away every worry in the world. Reese’s are perfection.
But the joy of Reese’s doesn’t stop there. There are Reese’s Pieces, Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Big Cups, Reese’s Holiday Cups and so much more. Not to mention Reese’s White Chocolate Cups, 
Dark Chocolate Cups, Crunch bars and even the off-brand chocolate peanut butter candy has some of the Reese’s feel.
I’m going to start off with the classic Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup two-cup pack. This is the true, loved and tested product that turned Reese’s into a candy empire. When opening the pack there is some suspense. You see the peanut butter cup, you know that soon it will be yours, but you must first take off the brown wrapping, which is an art in itself and must be done with extreme care. Actually eating the peanut butter cup can be done in many ways, but the best way I’ve found is just to eat the whole thing at once. As expected, absolutely fantastic taste and perfect chocolate peanut butter balance. 10/10
Next up is the popular Reese’s Pieces product. These M&M sized peanut butter filled snacks are great for when you’re on the go, but rely too heavily on the peanut butter and not enough on the chocolate. They’re not bad, but I’d choose the peanut butter M&M’s over them any day. 7/10
Another negative is the Reese’s Big Cups. A huge part of the Reese’s experience is the balance between chocolate and peanut butter, and this candy throws that idea out the window. It’s an extreme candy and must be eaten with the utmost responsibility. It’s easy to overdo it with these and get sick. Too much peanut butter is a bad thing. 6/10
Differing greatly from the classic idea of what Reese’s should be is Reese’s Puff cereal. Reese’s Puffs are one of the best cereals out there because they give the incredible taste of Reese’s peanut butter and chocolate without having to deal with peanut butter or chocolate. They’re simple, tasty, and allow you to eat Reese’s for breakfast. The only negative is the fact that they’re not Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. 9/10
Christmas, Halloween and Easter bring the holiday cups. These fun shaped treats break the law of Reese’s balance by having way more peanut butter than chocolate, but it doesn’t matter because they are amazing because of it. I’d much rather have holiday cups than a normal Reese’s cup. No brown wrapping and fun shapes bring holiday cups above normal Reese’s cups, only brought down by the limited quantity. 10/10
Finally, the most innovative Reese’s candy around: the Reese’s Pieces Peanut Butter Cup. This incredible invention not only gives you the perfection that is a Reese’s peanut butter cup, but also fills it with Reese’s Pieces, correcting the lack of chocolate from individual Reese’s Pieces. These are a must have. The merge of Reese’s two most popular products is such a simple idea, but one that brings forth the best Reese’s product to date. 11/10
Contact the author at anewton15@wou.edu
It’s the great drunk review, Charlie Brown
By: Paige Scofield News Editor
Note: this article was edited for readability.
So this is going to be less of a review and more of an I watch-I think-I type kind of situation. This is indeed a drunk review of the classic: “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”. Honestly I don’t know what to expect so strap in because I bet my bottom-dollar that half of this isn’t even going to be about Charlie.
I’m currently finishing a 16 ounce Rolling Rock beer. Before said beer I drank almost a 
whole bottle of champagne so I can’t feel my lips and my legs feel like noodles. I didn’t think that almost a whole bottle of champagne would do this but holy cow I’m gone. I’m trying so hard to type good. But typing is definitely a sober activity (sport?). I have so many bubbles in my stomach.
Okay I’m going to down this beer and start the show! I really just want to sleep but I gotta work dude. Okay let’s watch this thing. Okay starting with the classic music-Linus just ate an apple off the ground what the f***. That’s dirty. Now Lucy and Linus are picking a pumpkin to carve.
Lucy is rude to Linus. Lucy just cut a pumpkin to carve it and Linus thought she killed a vegetable. Go Charles Shultz. Snoopy is playing with a leaf. I love Snoopy. But his cousin Spike is super cool. My mom really likes Spike; Spike isn’t in this but whatever. Charlie is about to get duped with a football. Why does he always trust Lucy to hold a football? And he kicked and fell once again. Lucy, just be nice?
Linus is writing to the Great Pumpkin. Snoopy looks on and laughs. Lucy is being a douche as usual-telling Linus his Great Pumpkin is fake. Linus realizes to never talk about politics, religion and the Great Pumpkin to other people. Sally loves Linus even though he still carries a blanket around. How old are these kids? Also, why does he think the Great Pumpkin is a halloween santa? That’s weird. Sally and Linus have a “date” to wait for the Great Pumpkin but Charlie is like no. CHARLIE GOT INVITED TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY AND DANCES. OOPS, CAPS IS ON. Lucy is still being RUDE. Now they make costumes. Charlie is bad at it. Everyone keeps hating on Linus but Sally approves of him. Also, no one says “tricks or treats” LUCY. It’s “TRICK OR TREAT”.
I feel like I’m writing a play-by-play so I’m going to wait a bit to write more. It’s only eight minutes in. Excuse me, nine minutes. Someone finally said good grief. Pig pen is dirty. Snoopy is a bomb pilot. He is so confident. I wish I could be as confident as Snoopy.
Sally loves Linus a lot. Linus is being sexist thinking little girls believe everything they’re told. what the f— Linus that’s not cool.
I don’t think I have neck bones anymore. Charlie got a rock instead of candy? Snoopy! I finally understand why he called himself Snoop Dog-because Snoopy is so cool. Holy cow I’ve written a lot. Man, if only writing was this easy sober. Where’s Woodstock? Here comes piano man. I don’t remember his name but he’s cool. Snoopy cries weird. Linus thinks Snoopy is the Great Pumpkin. He’s not. Someone finally said blockhead. Linus was out until four in the morning? Where are his parents?
The Great Pumpkin is fake.
12/10 recommend this for everyone to watch. If you want.
Please don’t contact the author.
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Compiled By:Stephanie Blair, Ashton Newton and Zoe Strickland
Aries 3/21-4/19
Keep that pepper spray close, Aries. If you go back through your Snapchat story, you’ll notice that a clown has been following you around campus.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Don’t get coffee this week, Taurus. I know you love it, but it doesn’t love you. It’s time to let your addiction go.
Gemini 5/21-6/20
Your lost twin is out there somewhere, Gemini. Just keep on singing your half of the Disney-esque duet.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week, 50 Spongebob meme blogs will follow you on Tumblr. Are ya’ feelin’ it now, Mr. Crabs?
Leo 7/23-8/22
Be suspicious of everyone, Leo. There’s a 75 percent chance that the Libras in your life are lying to you.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Have seen “Hocus Pocus”? Don’t light that black flame candle, you virgi- I mean, Virgo.
Libra 9/23-10/22
I know you love Halloween, Libra. Chin up, there’s only 12 days until the best holiday of the year.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You might as well throw out your birthday list, Scorpio. No one is going to buy you anything off of it anyway.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
It’s your world, Sagittarius. Let the “Happy Little Cloud” remix guide your week.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
On Friday, your eyeliner will look great. But as soon as you leave your house, it will smudge and you won’t know for the entire day. Racoon eyes for life.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I’ll keep your secret, Aquarius. Nobody has to know that your favorite band is Phish.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Sorry to break it to you, Pisces, but this is definitely all a dream. It’s not a good one.
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