Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: De-stressing tips!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

A clean work space equates to a clean mind

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Sleep, just go to sleep.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

go for a run or walk, the pain u feel in ur lungs will make u forget abt stress 🙂

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Take a break from your tasks to do something you love

Leo 7/23-8/22

Spray some oils

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Dig a hole in your garden. You know what to do next :D.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Honestly just sit in an empty room and scream. Or it can be a full room. Doesn’t matter.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Meditate for an hour or so

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Go out and experience nature. Maybe be one with nature? Meow?

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Eat a gallon of ice cream (unless you’re lactose intolerant then idk)

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I hear breaking things is all the rage right now

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Cry (no literally, it actually helps to release your stress)

The signs vote on the best form of chicken

The Western Howl Staff

Chicken Nuggets or Tenders?

Aries ⏤ 69 cents for chicken nuggets. 

Taurus ⏤ Yes.

Gemini ⏤ One of each obviously

Cancer ⏤ Nuggets

Leo ⏤ Why, are you buying?

Virgo ⏤ What Scorpio said.

Libra ⏤ The ones from Lunchables

Scorpio ⏤ Nuggets, dino ones specifically. Anything else is subpar.

Sagittarius ⏤ raw????? uwu

Capricorn ⏤ Tenders FTW

Aquarius ⏤ b r e a s t

Pisces ⏤ nuggets with honey mustard 10/10

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Things Joe Biden would say

Aries 3/21-4/19  

That’s what I love about highschoolers. I get older, they stay the same age.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

I’m not racist because I’m friends with the Obama’s. They’re very clean.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Catch me on the YouTube livestreaming the inauguration

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I would say

Leo 7/23-8/22

That’s all folks

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Don’t play games with me, kid.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Just Biden tings uwu rawr XD

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Finally, my dogs can live like royalty

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

HI OBAMA I MADE IT

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Forgetting is the greatest ability we have

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

We did it, folks

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I’m getting teary eyed at the possibilities.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Do you mind? I’m trying to sleep

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Cats or dogs, which is better? Argue amongst yourselves

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Maybe if you look at some moss balls you’ll be less evil

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Does that window open? Cuz I’m gonna jump out of it

Leo 7/23-8/22

I need to wash my masks not give y’all life advice

Virgo 8/23-9/22

a tubular optical instrument containing lenses and mirrors by which an observer obtains an otherwise obstructed field of view

Libra 9/23-10/22

At this point, I feel like an undercover participant in “60 Days In.”

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

just thought i’d let you know, i’ve been evil since i turned 15

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I liek tortles

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Sagittarius be looking sus today, they think australian shepherds are cats

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

*shrug* (i’ll prob change this don’t put it in)

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

“You will be very rich and famous this week”

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Is that an expired COVID vaccine in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

2021 is 2012 backwards but at least this time I’m prepared to die

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

what’s your favorite absurd way to package wine? mine’s canned

Cancer 6/21-7/22

*claps hands with Libra*

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just send them to the Bermuda Triangle and we won’t have these problems anymore

Virgo 8/23-9/22

a tubular optical instrument containing lenses and mirrors by which an observer obtains an otherwise obstructed field of view

Libra 9/23-10/22

If you’re about to spend the stimulus money on things you don’t need and you know it, clap your hands!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I can drink (responsibly) now

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Glad we’re still in the peppermint mocha stage of seasonal beverages

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

nobody: 

absolutely nobody: 

pharmacist: destroys 500 vaccines because just anyone can be a pharmacist

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The amount of serotonin I get from drinking out of odd shaped mugs is unnatural.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Huh, weird. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Damn that movie was really bad. 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Wow that was worse than 2016

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me….

Leo 7/23-8/22

When the whole world took the L … lel

Virgo 8/23-9/22

“This mac and cheese, man, Oh, he’s got a plan to end my life” 

Libra 9/23-10/22

I would like a full refund and a heartfelt apology.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

GG, we’ll pick it up next time

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Weird flex but ok lol

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Thanks, I hated it

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

At least it’s over

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

… if you have nothing nice to say then – 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I’m giving you a coupon to shut up 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Oh look it’s a mug that says C–t and the C is the handle. I thought it matched your personality.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Unlock your next gift with a healthy donation of $30 

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I know you hate cheeseburgers, so I got you a cheeseburger without the cheese.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

No, I didn’t get you anything. Did I get you???

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

One (1) free pass to your local occult meeting

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

A stapler and loose staples placed inside neon jello. Useful and delicious! 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

enjoy my half-drunk peppermint mocha 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

What’s that? You don’t want this gag ball?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I couldn’t afford a gift this year, so I got you this box

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

It’s sudoku toilet paper! Figured you needed something to do while you’re in there for an hour

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I hope you enjoy this personalized notebook with a 2-page note I wrote for you and this scrap book and this mug and…