Mount Hood

Take a sip of egg nog when …

The Western Howl Staff

Take a sip of egg nog when …

A family member complains about COVID-19

Someone mentions Kate Brown

A cousin wears a tail to dinner

Any family member impulse-buys off Amazon after a single recommendation

Someone tries to hit the high note in Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” and fails

If one of your younger cousins tries to hit the woah 

A family member says the votes need to be recounted

A baby spits up and everyone says ‘awwww’

Your aunty shows off your baby cousin but it’s ugly :/

You film a tiktok (drink again if you post it)

You get socks as a gift

If your uncle brags way too much about the money he saved by going to Disney World during COVID

Your family still decides to invite those “family friends” you hardly know to dinner

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Midterms

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

The mania that has set in from not sleeping in 3 days will never go away. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 2pm seems to be working so why change it? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Week 8. Is it over yet.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The guy sure looks like plant food to me.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m going to Mcdonalds, you guys wanna tag along?

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

The Sands Of Time Have Reached Their End. To Prepare For Your Finals, You Must Transcend.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

If we all gather at the same time and day on Moodle, could we crash the site? Let’s put the team in teamwork. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Don’t cry because it’s over, cry because it happened

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Don’t mind. Don’t mind.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Spent all week catching up with my classes only to realize I forgot to do a project, lol what’s good y’all

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Procrastinate, stress, cram, forget assignments, cry, rinse and repeat ⏤ it’s week 8 buckos.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Week 8? More like breakdown 80. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Family conversation starters for Thanksgiving

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Look Uncle Rob, I’m going to need you to stop sending me all lives matter memes on Facebook. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Mom, dad, I have something to tell you … I’m gay. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

*silently drinks cranberry juice during the entire dinner*

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I’m going to quit and get the fear.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m never going to another family dinner party. EVER

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Boycott Amazon.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Listen up aunties, stop asking me if I’m in a relationship. Tinder is rough around here. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

So how about them uh. SpOrts huh? Haha

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

So uhhhh.. I lost my virginity.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I’mfailinghalfofmyclasses so April how’re the kids?

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

So I’m a BIG supporter of pineapples on pizza. Anyone else???

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

How about we discuss the rise and fall of capitalism?

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Voting

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Don’t want to hear you whining if you didn’t vote.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Are you ready to see another old white man as president again? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

no you can’t split your vote like your personality

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Hold onto your butts.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just buy a few houseplants to like, help the vibe out, you know? 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Don’t worry, next week’s issue will include destressing tips.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Wait, I was asleep. What happened? 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

If you didn’t vote, I hope you enjoy eternal darkness 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

No matter what happens, we have each other — stay strong!

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Ah, the elderly man contest, the most interesting time of year

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

By mail or booth, you best vote

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Vote, or else…

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Election Reactions

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I never liked oranges anyways.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

The pink nippled community is at it again.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

lovely

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Look! Another powdery old white man won the old white man contest. WHAT AN UPSET!

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’m blue da ba dee da ba daa

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

How ya doin’ champ? Go take a few laps and walk it off, we’ll be fine. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

They wigged the ewection uWu

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Are we saved?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

you’re fired lol

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I’m tired and I hate it here. 

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I didn’t look at my phone once last week. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Horoscopes from The Fly 

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

What if I just took a s—t right now.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

This is a nice spot for a nap.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Bruh why’d he stay so long, get out of there before his hair gel kills you!

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Don’t listen to that guy. He’s trying to lead you down the path of wickedness. I’m gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

He’s not real he’s definitely like a lizard or something

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

You know what they say flies are attracted to.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Thought I was landing on a snack, turned out it was a snake.

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Listen to “Fly on the Wall” by Miley Cyrus.

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

You better vote.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

At least I made him look even more like an idiot

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Oop, time for my 15 minutes of fame (⌐▨_▨)

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I can see why the audience is empty.

This week in completely made up HORRORscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Halloween / Horror

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Wait … what’s that behind you? 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Nothing can scare you when you’re already dead. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

I’ve got something that’ll scare you: 4 midterms on the SAME DAY

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Kxpdq vrgd, L’p jrqqd gulqn lw olnh d shuvrq. (Caesar)

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Week five -shiver-

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Believe in the power of the Mothman. 

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

BOO

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

The real treasure is the demons we bring home from the journey

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I wonder if squirrels can haunt you… I wish I was a squirrel.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I have a message from the ghost that’s been following me since I was 12: he says ‘boo!’

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Spooky scary midterms send shivers down your mind.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The only scary thing about halloween that I enjoy are the zombie shaped chocolates. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Gang gang. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Just … go back to sleep.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

haven’t had coffee yet, pls don’t talk to me

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Out on lunch break, will be back next week 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

As the days get shorter, you become your true self. Embrace the dark, baby.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

No <3

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Some fish can walk out of water, but will they climb trees?

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Hey, I hope you have a wonderful day — you deserve it! Get out there and DEVOUR SOME AVOCADOS.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Go to bed early tonight, treat yourself to at least 8 hours of sleep 🙂

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Is it just me, or is my FBI man listening a little too well?

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Go ahead and buy that extra sticker for your water bottle. You deserve it. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Who else is getting up at 6 a.m. to run? Just me?

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Let’s not and say we did…

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Yeah, no I’m going back to bed, later.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Morsmordre!

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

FABULOUS JUST FABULOUS

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Mercury is not in retrograde. You can blame Earth for your problems.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Have a lovely cup of tea and talk with a stranger

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

No Scorp…io

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Contact the author at smartinez17@wou.edu

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Salad is just a vehicle for croutons, thanks for coming to my TED Talk

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Don’t mind me, just going to go casually have a breakdown in the men’s room, thanks.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

“Suck it up and ask for help” – E.M. 2020

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Sometimes staying up until 3am watching docuseries isn’t the best idea but go off.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Astrology isn’t a lie and you should continue arguing with your parents about it. #fightthegoodfight

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

*eats popcorn while watching Taurus fight with their parents*

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

We’ve come to burgle your turts.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

My apocalypse bingo card has a bingo, what do I win?

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’ll be going back to bed after morning Zoom meetings and you should too

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

If the stars align right hopefully I’ll be a millionaire by the 22nd

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Excuse me while I avoid my class meetings so I can continue to binge Netflix shows

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

LET ME OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT pls 🙂 oh and don’t listen to capricorn 🙂

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Welcome back everyone, good to see you. Oh wait ⏤ waiting…??????? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Side note: sagittarius is lying, you should def listen 🙂

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Listen to a Virgo this week, for they are wise [(－－)]..zzZ

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Hey there delilah what’s it like there in 2021? Im 3 months away but tonight you look so pretty…

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