Humor – Page 23 – The Western Howl

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Aries, the tattoo you just got on your left leg is spelled wrong. Check it, double check it, and show it to a friend over 30. I’m totally right.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Your astrological sign has now been changed to Libra. Please refer to the horoscope below.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Hop on the fourth bus headed to Dallas on May 3 at the stop right in front of the WUC. Proceed to the left side of the aisle and sit seven rows back. Look under the seat for your next instructions.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Spill the tea, Cancer. I want to hear all the juicy details about your encounter with the campus dreamboat.

Leo 7/23-8/22
You’re lookin’ like a flavor blasted, xtra cheddar Goldfish cracker this morning, Leo. Use this to your advantage.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
You will be delivered one of those glorious sushi burritos tomorrow by a close friend.

Libra 9/23-10/22
You’ll wake up in a tub of vegan marshmallow cream tomorrow, Libra. What does this mean? Is it a euphemism? Is it the hot new slang the teens are saying? Just embrace it.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
When you hear the song “Milkshake” by Kelis playing within the next week, jump far to your right. You will narrowly miss getting hit by a ceiling tile. You’re welcome.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Java Crew’s blended chai lattes are straight crack. Is this a horoscope? No, but I needed a place to post this statement.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
If you promise to name your baby after me, I’ll give you a really good, non-pregnancy related horoscope next week, Capricorn.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Unironic plaid.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
John Stamos is the man who has been following you.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

Students swallow midterms in an effort to avoid taking tests

By: Katrina Penaflor
Managing Editor

Madeline Meyers, a twenty-something philosophy major, has come across a new solution to getting out of taking a test:

“Just swallow it.”

The trend Meyers has coined as “di-testing” (you know, like digesting but you eat a freakin’ test) is happening all over campus.

“You really have to make a scene out of it. Get dramatic, crumple up the paper, and scarf it down in front of your professor. They’ll think you’re crazy and you’ll definitely get out of the test,” said a sophomore student who wished to remain anonymous.

But what is the success rate? Will consuming a packet of paper really get you out of taking a midterm? Won’t teachers try to reschedule?

“Sometimes,” said Meyers. “But if you really freak them out, the teacher will probably just give you a pass at taking it. It’s a much simpler solution to actually studying.”

Simpler? Something tells me chewing and consuming multiple pages of printer paper is not easier than actually studying for a test.

Ava Belle, a fitness instructor on campus who teaches several of the yoga and Pilates classes at WOU, has her own opinion. “This stuff won’t fly, not on my watch. I had a kid try and swallow a yoga mat the other day. That was the last straw.”

Some say the reason behind the di-testing is an increased amount of stress among students, especially seniors who are on the verge of graduating.

I spoke with a senior, currently enrolled in 22 credits if the di-testing was worth giving a try. They responded, “Honestly, I’ll literally try anything at this point if it means less work and still being able to graduate.”

Roger Phillips, a freshman, was asked why he participated in di-testing, and if it had anything to do with stress.

“Stress? No. I’m not really all that stressed. I wasn’t even trying to get out of taking it. I saw this kid next to me do it, so I followed him and ate the biology midterm. I thought it was part of the exam process.”

I didn’t even bother to try and ask him another question after that. I simply left the interview, closed out this story, and continued on with my life.

Contact the author at journalmanaging@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalKatrina

The Western Howl

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Humor: ASWOU offers super-genius puppies in an effort to attract more voters

By: Katrina Penaflor 
Managing Editor

“Have you voted?” Is the question I’ve been asked every time I’ve stepped within a hundred feet of the Werner Center this week.

And sometimes, I’m positive it’s not even a person from ASWOU asking, just some twenty-something man in a generic blue polo looking to make small talk.

In hopes of attracting voters, ASWOU has been offering incentives to students who are willing to brave through the labyrinth that is OrgSync in exchange for things like popsicles and brownies.

But to the college students who “simply don’t give uh,” the snacks just weren’t doing it for them.

“We needed to think of something that would entice even more students to vote. We went the safe route with our marketing, it was time we did something really daring. Something that college students would connect with,” said a woman who looked well-spirited enough to be a representative for ASWOU.

And the grand idea in all of this? Hundreds of adorable, totally-free-if-you-vote, super-genius puppies.

The dogs, besides being able to do regular dog stuff, can proofread your papers, balance your checkbook, and speak fluent Mandarin.

“Are they smart enough to vote for me?” A junior, and now new dog owner, Vanessa Rook asked. To which ASWOU quickly responded, “No.”

After news of the dog giveaway spread, students flew to the voting stands outside the WUC. I tried to swindle my way ahead of the line by telling someone from ASWOU that I had already voted.

I was immediately thanked and given a puppy for my “efforts,” but to my surprise the dog turned on me and revealed my scheming ways.

He told ASWOU that I had in fact not voted. Or at least, I’m told that’s what he said—I don’t speak Mandarin.

The dog was removed from my possession until I logged into OrgSync and voted for real.

I’m happy to say that my efforts were worth it, and that I also changed outfits five times that day and continued to let ASWOU know I had voted, receiving more and more super-genius dogs.

The Western Howl

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Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Only Drake knows.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I spoke with Jupiter and she told me to pass this info along; go on and explore your sexuality with that kid from Bio that you keep eyein’.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
On Friday, keep looking in the mirror. Half of your eyebrow (because I know you always do your eyebrows) will wipe off. Be warned. No one is going to speak up about it, Gemini, that’s why I’m warning you.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Ever swim in a pool full of adorable Corgis? No? That’s about to change this week, Cancer.

Leo 7/23-8/22
It’s not herpes, Leo. Congrats!

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Virgo, I predict good fortune on the horizon. Go to a bar this weekend and start a tab, the bartender will accidentally put all your drinks on another person’s. Sucks for them, but a night of free drinks for you!

Libra 9/23-10/22
Password to your ex’s phone: 5331.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Go ahead, Scorpio, celebrate taco Tuesday- you’ll regret it immediately.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
I’m predicting a literal mental break down for you this week, Sagittarius, over the fact that you can’t get your eyeliner in check. Prepare for this. I prescribe a fat of bottle of wine. (For the 21 and over crowd. Or, like, drink Martinelli’s and pretend it’s champagne if you’re of the younger variety.)

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
With child.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really advice, Aquarius, but I’m sensing you need to be salty. Make dinner plans with all the people you hate and cancel 15 minutes prior.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go to Yang’s, order an extra side of cabbage, and see what happens.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

Local woman receives wrong order at Dutch, “barely lives” to tell tale

By: Katrina Penaflor 
Managing Editor

Jessica – or maybe it was Rachel – Smith spent last Tuesday in a panic during her Intro to Psychology course when she discovered the drink she had ordered from the local Dutch Bros. in Monmouth was, in fact, wrong.

Smith had ordered her usual non-fat, sugar free, iced Caramelizer with no whipped cream, only to discover later in class that the drink was “completely wrong.”

“First of all, the drink was hot,” said Smith. “I wanted it iced.”

When asked how she didn’t notice right off the bat that the drink was served in a hot to-go cup instead of the clear plastic one used for iced drinks, she replied, “I told you, I didn’t try it until I got to class.”

Smith also explained that the drink was actually a chai latte, and not at all a Caramelizer.

To investigate further, I travelled to the Dutch Bros. of said incident to speak to the barista who served Smith her drink. (Because, really, what else did I need to spend my time doing?)

I arrived to Dutch and was greeted by a man who was in a much better mood than I was. Taylor Swift was playing on the stereo and I immediately regretted my decision to take on this unnecessary investigation.

The man at the window, Marco (I didn’t actually ask his name but he definitely looked like a Marco) told me that he was the one who served Smith. It was his first day on the job and he accidently served her the drink that was meant for the opposite window.

“I realized my mistake right after I handed it to her, I tried to called for her but she had already driven away.”

Marco graciously offered to remake the drink he had gotten wrong and asked me to hand it off to Smith, to which I replied, “absolutely.”

While singing to “Shake It Off” Marco passed off the corrected Caramelizer and continuing to repeat, while I re-answered, the question of what my plans were for the day.

After receiving Smith’s fixed drink, I waved goodbye to the chipper barista, and drank the Caramelizer on my way home.

Case closed.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
You are now named Albert. Every single last one of you, Aries. Sorry, It’s written in the stars.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Two tickets to Hamilton are in your future, Taurus … or is it two tickets to Hamlet at the local community theatre? I can’t quite remember.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
The answer to question number four on your test on Tuesday is B.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Mango. All you Cancers out there know exactly what I’m talking about.

Leo 7/23-8/22
This is the phone number to call, 541-613-9854. Ask for Rhonda and she’ll transfer you to William.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Vestibulum pretium avia misit vos tabellariorum septimana.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop putting mayonnaise on everything, Libra. That’s gross.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
I’ve set up a blind date for you, Scorpio. Meet this mystery woman named Brianna at the gazebo at the park on Main St. on Wednesday, April 13. Only single attractive men, please.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, looks like Peaches will arrive in your yard at 7:33 p.m. this Saturday. Do not miss this.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
I just ordered you a shirt that says “bun in the oven.” And, yes, beautiful, talented fake astrologers like myself do have Amazon Prime accounts, so it will be arriving shortly.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Looks like a full moon is approaching this weekend, Aquarius. But that literally has nothing to do with the poor fortune I’m sending your way. You’re going to run into your ex-girlfriend this weekend. Be sure to prepare a quick speech of all things going right in your life.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You will finally be rewarded for being a trash girl, Pisces. And it’s about damn time.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

Area man can no longer find place to break out “solid” Bill Cosby impression

By: Declan Hertel
Entertainment Editor

With Bill Cosby facing multiple allegations of drugging and raping young women during his long career, local man Kyle Thompson hasn’t been able to find a suitable context in which to make use of his well-practiced impression of the comedian without seeming tasteless.

“It always kills at parties,” complained Thompson, wishing that the comedian would have considered those who have put “serious work” into their impression of him before he drugged and raped all those women.

“The last time I did it, all I got was silence, with some nervous chuckles too, but it mostly flopped,” said Thompson. “At one point I went for broke and made a date-rape joke with the voice, and it did mostly go over, but I felt kind of weird about it afterward, so I haven’t done it since.”

“It’s a shame, it really is,” said Tobin Davis, who once heard Thompson perform the bit at a party, describing the impression as “pretty spot-on” and “almost uncanny.”

Thompson admitted that he also does have decent Pee-Wee Herman, Professor Farnsworth, and Barack Obama impressions in his repertoire, but he was “really banking on the Cosby” to keep parties lively.

“Someone pointed out that if I just add a really gravelly quality to the Cosby impression, I’ll have a pretty okay Louis Armstrong, but it’s just not the same.”

Thompson is entertaining the idea of really buckling down on his Al Pacino, but fears that the aging actor is no longer the cultural touchstone he once was.

“Cosby’s particular brand of charming, fatherly gibberish is timeless,” said Thompson. “But I guess that was before we found out about all the rape.”

Bill Cosby could not be reached for comment.

Western Oregon University’s Land Acknowledgement
Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

Accessibility Public Records Privacy Student Consumer Information

WOU prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, sex, national or ethnic origin, age, religion, marital status, disability, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression in all programs, activities and employment practices as required by Title IX, other applicable laws, and policies. Retaliation is prohibited by WOU.

Horoscopes

Students swallow midterms in an effort to avoid taking tests

Humor: ASWOU offers super-genius puppies in an effort to attract more voters

Horoscopes

Local woman receives wrong order at Dutch, “barely lives” to tell tale

Horoscopes

Area man can no longer find place to break out “solid” Bill Cosby impression

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