Humor – Page 23 – The Western Howl

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Only Drake knows.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I spoke with Jupiter and she told me to pass this info along; go on and explore your sexuality with that kid from Bio that you keep eyein’.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
On Friday, keep looking in the mirror. Half of your eyebrow (because I know you always do your eyebrows) will wipe off. Be warned. No one is going to speak up about it, Gemini, that’s why I’m warning you.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Ever swim in a pool full of adorable Corgis? No? That’s about to change this week, Cancer.

Leo 7/23-8/22
It’s not herpes, Leo. Congrats!

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Virgo, I predict good fortune on the horizon. Go to a bar this weekend and start a tab, the bartender will accidentally put all your drinks on another person’s. Sucks for them, but a night of free drinks for you!

Libra 9/23-10/22
Password to your ex’s phone: 5331.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Go ahead, Scorpio, celebrate taco Tuesday- you’ll regret it immediately.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
I’m predicting a literal mental break down for you this week, Sagittarius, over the fact that you can’t get your eyeliner in check. Prepare for this. I prescribe a fat of bottle of wine. (For the 21 and over crowd. Or, like, drink Martinelli’s and pretend it’s champagne if you’re of the younger variety.)

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
With child.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really advice, Aquarius, but I’m sensing you need to be salty. Make dinner plans with all the people you hate and cancel 15 minutes prior.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go to Yang’s, order an extra side of cabbage, and see what happens.

The Western Howl

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Local woman receives wrong order at Dutch, “barely lives” to tell tale

By: Katrina Penaflor 
Managing Editor

Jessica – or maybe it was Rachel – Smith spent last Tuesday in a panic during her Intro to Psychology course when she discovered the drink she had ordered from the local Dutch Bros. in Monmouth was, in fact, wrong.

Smith had ordered her usual non-fat, sugar free, iced Caramelizer with no whipped cream, only to discover later in class that the drink was “completely wrong.”

“First of all, the drink was hot,” said Smith. “I wanted it iced.”

When asked how she didn’t notice right off the bat that the drink was served in a hot to-go cup instead of the clear plastic one used for iced drinks, she replied, “I told you, I didn’t try it until I got to class.”

Smith also explained that the drink was actually a chai latte, and not at all a Caramelizer.

To investigate further, I travelled to the Dutch Bros. of said incident to speak to the barista who served Smith her drink. (Because, really, what else did I need to spend my time doing?)

I arrived to Dutch and was greeted by a man who was in a much better mood than I was. Taylor Swift was playing on the stereo and I immediately regretted my decision to take on this unnecessary investigation.

The man at the window, Marco (I didn’t actually ask his name but he definitely looked like a Marco) told me that he was the one who served Smith. It was his first day on the job and he accidently served her the drink that was meant for the opposite window.

“I realized my mistake right after I handed it to her, I tried to called for her but she had already driven away.”

Marco graciously offered to remake the drink he had gotten wrong and asked me to hand it off to Smith, to which I replied, “absolutely.”

While singing to “Shake It Off” Marco passed off the corrected Caramelizer and continuing to repeat, while I re-answered, the question of what my plans were for the day.

After receiving Smith’s fixed drink, I waved goodbye to the chipper barista, and drank the Caramelizer on my way home.

Case closed.

The Western Howl

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Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
You are now named Albert. Every single last one of you, Aries. Sorry, It’s written in the stars.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Two tickets to Hamilton are in your future, Taurus … or is it two tickets to Hamlet at the local community theatre? I can’t quite remember.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
The answer to question number four on your test on Tuesday is B.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Mango. All you Cancers out there know exactly what I’m talking about.

Leo 7/23-8/22
This is the phone number to call, 541-613-9854. Ask for Rhonda and she’ll transfer you to William.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Vestibulum pretium avia misit vos tabellariorum septimana.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop putting mayonnaise on everything, Libra. That’s gross.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
I’ve set up a blind date for you, Scorpio. Meet this mystery woman named Brianna at the gazebo at the park on Main St. on Wednesday, April 13. Only single attractive men, please.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, looks like Peaches will arrive in your yard at 7:33 p.m. this Saturday. Do not miss this.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
I just ordered you a shirt that says “bun in the oven.” And, yes, beautiful, talented fake astrologers like myself do have Amazon Prime accounts, so it will be arriving shortly.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Looks like a full moon is approaching this weekend, Aquarius. But that literally has nothing to do with the poor fortune I’m sending your way. You’re going to run into your ex-girlfriend this weekend. Be sure to prepare a quick speech of all things going right in your life.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You will finally be rewarded for being a trash girl, Pisces. And it’s about damn time.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

Area man can no longer find place to break out “solid” Bill Cosby impression

By: Declan Hertel
Entertainment Editor

With Bill Cosby facing multiple allegations of drugging and raping young women during his long career, local man Kyle Thompson hasn’t been able to find a suitable context in which to make use of his well-practiced impression of the comedian without seeming tasteless.

“It always kills at parties,” complained Thompson, wishing that the comedian would have considered those who have put “serious work” into their impression of him before he drugged and raped all those women.

“The last time I did it, all I got was silence, with some nervous chuckles too, but it mostly flopped,” said Thompson. “At one point I went for broke and made a date-rape joke with the voice, and it did mostly go over, but I felt kind of weird about it afterward, so I haven’t done it since.”

“It’s a shame, it really is,” said Tobin Davis, who once heard Thompson perform the bit at a party, describing the impression as “pretty spot-on” and “almost uncanny.”

Thompson admitted that he also does have decent Pee-Wee Herman, Professor Farnsworth, and Barack Obama impressions in his repertoire, but he was “really banking on the Cosby” to keep parties lively.

“Someone pointed out that if I just add a really gravelly quality to the Cosby impression, I’ll have a pretty okay Louis Armstrong, but it’s just not the same.”

Thompson is entertaining the idea of really buckling down on his Al Pacino, but fears that the aging actor is no longer the cultural touchstone he once was.

“Cosby’s particular brand of charming, fatherly gibberish is timeless,” said Thompson. “But I guess that was before we found out about all the rape.”

Bill Cosby could not be reached for comment.

The Western Howl

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Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Jimmy is the one who’s been stealing your lunch from the break room fridge, Aries.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know you want to break up with your boyfriend, but hold out for another week. He’s giving you a dog.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Gemini, I know you’re wondering if you failed your Biology test … you did. Sorry.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Cancer, there is an old, but still totally edible, Snickers in the right pocket of the jeans you are wearing.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Please stop sending in requests for better horoscopes, Leo. Come on, you’re better than this.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
All the stars and moons or whatever have aligned this week for you, Virgo. This means good fortune, and by good fortune I mean you won’t be subjected to all the meaningless conversation you’re stuck in on a daily basis.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Do NOT look behind you.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, there’s free candy in that totally normal and not at all suspicious looking van parked outside your apartments. Feel free to check it out.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Not so much a fortune, but a request. Please change your Tinder photo, Sagittarius. I beg of you.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Very much still definitely 100 percent pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Oh, Aquarius, all your kindness is going to pay off this week. Be sure to check your email, one of your classes is getting cancelled.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
I spy a free vacation in the near future, Pisces.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Oh, Aries, even though you’re super nice and you’ve done nothing but praise the universe this week, I have a bad horoscope for you. Totally unavoidable, but you will step on a Lego tomorrow. I’M SORRY.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know that failed test has you super bummed out, Taurus. But cheer up, an unexpected visitor will stop by this weekend, and bonus, they’re super sexy.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Remember last week, Gemini, when I asked you to bring $50 to the offices of The Journal? Yeah, I’m still waiting on that. And if you’re a new reader and missed last week’s horoscope, bring $50 to our office, ask for Katrina.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Major ED this month, Cancer. Yikes.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Leo, you had a rough week with all my predicted coffee shop drama. I’m here to help you out. A $50 Starbucks card resides at this location 35.6833° N, 139.6833° E

Virgo 8/23-9/22
I don’t have a fortune for you this week, Virgo. The moons just ain’t alignin.’ So instead I’ll recommend one of my favorite reality shows. Go watch “Vanderpump Rules” it’ll turn your week around.

Libra 9/23-10/22
6, 33, 21, 2, 17, 45

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
For all your good deeds this week, Scorpio, I have a very special fortune for you. Despite what you’ve been led to believe, and question, Jon Snow is not dead. You’re welcome.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Ah, Sagittarius, such a gentle soul. And for that I will tell you that never again will you be charged for extra guacamole. Bless.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Still pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really a fortune, but I’ve just got word from the universe that every single Aquarius has hands larger than Donald Trump’s so … congrats?

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go buy a wedding dress, or tuxedo, or whatever on earth you want to wear because Leonardo DiCaprio will marry you on 5/21.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

Campus Squirrels Found Dealing Heroin

Some of Western’s furry friends were recently discovered to be furry fiends Thursday afternoon when an immense underground substance-trafficking operation was uncovered in the garbage receptacle outside Campbell Hall.

Monmouth police apprehended 169 squirrels in a bust orchestrated by Monmouth Police Chief Darrell Tallen. Three squirrels were killed in the raid after they fired on officers with assault weaponry. Two were killed by gunshot wounds and the third was crushed when a pallet of that sweet, sweet brown sugar collapsed on top of him. The Journal could not reach any of them for comment.

Discovered in the (estimated) 3,000 sq. ft. makeshift warehouse/processing plant were several dozen pallets holding almost a ton (2000 lbs.) of “horse as pure as the driven snow,” according to Doof Trooply, Intrepid Reporter, who managed to sample some of the squirrels’ product. Also seized was an amount of cash totaling 1.6 million dollars in bundles of $2000, only two of which he was able to make off with before he was noticed.

“Fuzzball” Malone, squirrel kingpin, was quoted as making cute nibbling noises and tiny, giggly squeaks as he waited for processing at the police station; these utterances were interpreted to be lazy “Breaking Bad” references. He declined to comment on whether or not he knew that Breaking Bad was about meth rather than heroin, so The Journal is forced to assume he did not.

Malone was once before arrested in connection with a series of hits put on the local opossum community, known as a hotbed of all kinds of illegal activity, though mostly prostitution. He escaped his enclosure at Oregon State Penitentiary early last year. He is expected to begin serving a life sentence in solitary confinement later this month.

“We don’t really know how to sentence animals,” said OSP warden Jeff Premo. “So life seemed appropriate, I guess.”

Monmouth PD fears that this squirrel-run operation, despite its size, was not the only source of heroin in the area. If you have any tips on where more of these dope-peddlers might be located, please let me know, and I will pass the information onto the police for you.

Western Oregon University’s Land Acknowledgement
Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

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WOU prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, sex, national or ethnic origin, age, religion, marital status, disability, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression in all programs, activities and employment practices as required by Title IX, other applicable laws, and policies. Retaliation is prohibited by WOU.

Horoscopes

Local woman receives wrong order at Dutch, “barely lives” to tell tale

Horoscopes

Area man can no longer find place to break out “solid” Bill Cosby impression

Horoscopes

Horoscopes

Campus Squirrels Found Dealing Heroin

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