Mount Hood

Humor: ASWOU offers super-genius puppies in an effort to attract more voters

By: Katrina Penaflor 
Managing Editor

“Have you voted?” Is the question I’ve been asked every time I’ve stepped within a hundred feet of the Werner Center this week.

And sometimes, I’m positive it’s not even a person from ASWOU asking, just some twenty-something man in a generic blue polo looking to make small talk.

In hopes of attracting voters, ASWOU has been offering incentives to students who are willing to brave through the labyrinth that is OrgSync in exchange for things like popsicles and brownies.

But to the college students who “simply don’t give uh,” the snacks just weren’t doing it for them.

“We needed to think of something that would entice even more students to vote. We went the safe route with our marketing, it was time we did something really daring. Something that college students would connect with,” said a woman who looked well-spirited enough to be a representative for ASWOU.

And the grand idea in all of this? Hundreds of adorable, totally-free-if-you-vote, super-genius puppies.

The dogs, besides being able to do regular dog stuff, can proofread your papers, balance your checkbook, and speak fluent Mandarin.

“Are they smart enough to vote for me?” A junior, and now new dog owner, Vanessa Rook asked. To which ASWOU quickly responded, “No.”

After news of the dog giveaway spread, students flew to the voting stands outside the WUC. I tried to swindle my way ahead of the line by telling someone from ASWOU that I had already voted.

I was immediately thanked and given a puppy for my “efforts,” but to my surprise the dog turned on me and revealed my scheming ways.

He told ASWOU that I had in fact not voted. Or at least, I’m told that’s what he said—I don’t speak Mandarin.

The dog was removed from my possession until I logged into OrgSync and voted for real.

I’m happy to say that my efforts were worth it, and that I also changed outfits five times that day and continued to let ASWOU know I had voted, receiving more and more super-genius dogs.

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Only Drake knows.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I spoke with Jupiter and she told me to pass this info along; go on and explore your sexuality with that kid from Bio that you keep eyein’.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
On Friday, keep looking in the mirror. Half of your eyebrow (because I know you always do your eyebrows) will wipe off. Be warned. No one is going to speak up about it, Gemini, that’s why I’m warning you.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Ever swim in a pool full of adorable Corgis? No? That’s about to change this week, Cancer.

Leo 7/23-8/22
It’s not herpes, Leo. Congrats!

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Virgo, I predict good fortune on the horizon. Go to a bar this weekend and start a tab, the bartender will accidentally put all your drinks on another person’s. Sucks for them, but a night of free drinks for you!

Libra 9/23-10/22
Password to your ex’s phone: 5331.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Go ahead, Scorpio, celebrate taco Tuesday- you’ll regret it immediately.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
I’m predicting a literal mental break down for you this week, Sagittarius, over the fact that you can’t get your eyeliner in check. Prepare for this. I prescribe a fat of bottle of wine. (For the 21 and over crowd. Or, like, drink Martinelli’s and pretend it’s champagne if you’re of the younger variety.)

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
With child.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really advice, Aquarius, but I’m sensing you need to be salty. Make dinner plans with all the people you hate and cancel 15 minutes prior.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go to Yang’s, order an extra side of cabbage, and see what happens.

Local woman receives wrong order at Dutch, “barely lives” to tell tale

By: Katrina Penaflor 
Managing Editor

Screen Shot 2016-04-17 at 9.59.23 PMJessica – or maybe it was Rachel – Smith spent last Tuesday in a panic during her Intro to Psychology course when she discovered the drink she had ordered from the local Dutch Bros. in Monmouth was, in fact, wrong.

Smith had ordered her usual non-fat, sugar free, iced Caramelizer with no whipped cream, only to discover later in class that the drink was “completely wrong.”

“First of all, the drink was hot,” said Smith. “I wanted it iced.”

When asked how she didn’t notice right off the bat that the drink was served in a hot to-go cup instead of the clear plastic one used for iced drinks, she replied, “I told you, I didn’t try it until I got to class.”

Smith also explained that the drink was actually a chai latte, and not at all a Caramelizer.

To investigate further, I travelled to the Dutch Bros. of said incident to speak to the barista who served Smith her drink. (Because, really, what else did I need to spend my time doing?)

I arrived to Dutch and was greeted by a man who was in a much better mood than I was. Taylor Swift was playing on the stereo and I immediately regretted my decision to take on this unnecessary investigation.

The man at the window, Marco (I didn’t actually ask his name but he definitely looked like a Marco) told me that he was the one who served Smith. It was his first day on the job and he accidently served her the drink that was meant for the opposite window.

“I realized my mistake right after I handed it to her, I tried to called for her but she had already driven away.”

Marco graciously offered to remake the drink he had gotten wrong and asked me to hand it off to Smith, to which I replied, “absolutely.”

While singing to “Shake It Off” Marco passed off the corrected Caramelizer and continuing to repeat, while I re-answered, the question of what my plans were for the day.

After receiving Smith’s fixed drink, I waved goodbye to the chipper barista, and drank the Caramelizer on my way home.

Case closed.

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
You are now named Albert. Every single last one of you, Aries. Sorry, It’s written in the stars.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Two tickets to Hamilton are in your future, Taurus … or is it two tickets to Hamlet at the local community theatre? I can’t quite remember.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
The answer to question number four on your test on Tuesday is B.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Mango. All you Cancers out there know exactly what I’m talking about.

Leo 7/23-8/22
This is the phone number to call, 541-613-9854. Ask for Rhonda and she’ll transfer you to William.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Vestibulum pretium avia misit vos tabellariorum septimana.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop putting mayonnaise on everything, Libra. That’s gross.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
I’ve set up a blind date for you, Scorpio. Meet this mystery woman named Brianna at the gazebo at the park on Main St. on Wednesday, April 13. Only single attractive men, please.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, looks like Peaches will arrive in your yard at 7:33 p.m. this Saturday. Do not miss this.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
I just ordered you a shirt that says “bun in the oven.” And, yes, beautiful, talented fake astrologers like myself do have Amazon Prime accounts, so it will be arriving shortly.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Looks like a full moon is approaching this weekend, Aquarius. But that literally has nothing to do with the poor fortune I’m sending your way. You’re going to run into your ex-girlfriend this weekend. Be sure to prepare a quick speech of all things going right in your life.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You will finally be rewarded for being a trash girl, Pisces. And it’s about damn time.

Area man can no longer find place to break out “solid” Bill Cosby impression

By: Declan Hertel
Entertainment Editor

With Bill Cosby facing multiple allegations of drugging and raping young women during his long career, local man Kyle Thompson hasn’t been able to find a suitable context in which to make use of his well-practiced impression of the comedian without seeming tasteless.

“It always kills at parties,” complained Thompson, wishing that the comedian would have considered those who have put “serious work” into their impression of him before he drugged and raped all those women.

“The last time I did it, all I got was silence, with some nervous chuckles too, but it mostly flopped,” said Thompson. “At one point I went for broke and made a date-rape joke with the voice, and it did mostly go over, but I felt kind of weird about it afterward, so I haven’t done it since.”

“It’s a shame, it really is,” said Tobin Davis, who once heard Thompson perform the bit at a party, describing the impression as “pretty spot-on” and “almost uncanny.”

Thompson admitted that he also does have decent Pee-Wee Herman, Professor Farnsworth, and Barack Obama impressions in his repertoire, but he was “really banking on the Cosby” to keep parties lively.

“Someone pointed out that if I just add a really gravelly quality to the Cosby impression, I’ll have a pretty okay Louis Armstrong, but it’s just not the same.”

Thompson is entertaining the idea of really buckling down on his Al Pacino, but fears that the aging actor is no longer the cultural touchstone he once was.

“Cosby’s particular brand of charming, fatherly gibberish is timeless,” said Thompson. “But I guess that was before we found out about all the rape.”

Bill Cosby could not be reached for comment.

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Jimmy is the one who’s been stealing your lunch from the break room fridge, Aries.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know you want to break up with your boyfriend, but hold out for another week. He’s giving you a dog.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Gemini, I know you’re wondering if you failed your Biology test … you did. Sorry.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Cancer, there is an old, but still totally edible, Snickers in the right pocket of the jeans you are wearing.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Please stop sending in requests for better horoscopes, Leo. Come on, you’re better than this.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
All the stars and moons or whatever have aligned this week for you, Virgo. This means good fortune, and by good fortune I mean you won’t be subjected to all the meaningless conversation you’re stuck in on a daily basis.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Do NOT look behind you.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, there’s free candy in that totally normal and not at all suspicious looking van parked outside your apartments. Feel free to check it out.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Not so much a fortune, but a request. Please change your Tinder photo, Sagittarius. I beg of you.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Very much still definitely 100 percent pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Oh, Aquarius, all your kindness is going to pay off this week. Be sure to check your email, one of your classes is getting cancelled.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
I spy a free vacation in the near future, Pisces.

A letter from Donald Trump’s penis

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By: Katrina Penaflor
Staff Writer

It’s been a big week for me. I mean, huge.

I’ll begin by saying hello. My twitter followers have nearly tripled in the last four days on account of this penis-gate and, as a very busy penis, I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Let me start with my weekly penis recap. This is super important for me as I often have many things to discuss, but I feel like now I have the ideal platform for people to willingly listen.

First off, did you notice Donald has been wearing slightly shorter ties? I have reason to believe this is to put me back in the spotlight.

Second, hello Marco Rubio, you hater. I heard what you had to say about Donald’s hands, and as someone who is very closely acquainted with both his hands I have to say they also are huge. P.S. Donald told me you wear a wig.

Third, have you noticed how beautiful Melania looks? How she’s always smiling? Yeah, you’re welcome.

Fourth, back to Marco Rubio, notice how he couldn’t even say the word penis? How can you vote for a guy who doesn’t say the word penis? I mean, come on.

Also, I wanted to discuss that aside from the very important job of being Donald Trump’s penis, I’m also his fact checker, chief advisor, and Twitter writer on Thursdays.

Remember his idea to build the wall? Yeah, he asked me about it and I said, “Erect it, definitely. Make it the biggest, thickest wall possible.”

Remember everything he’s ever said during every debate? Yup, those points went straight through me first.

Remember how he always calls people a loser on Twitter? Well, that wasn’t me because I think calling people a loser is mean, but I definitely once tweeted a complaint about how short Marco Rubio is.

Oh, and how can I forget, I co-authored “The Art of the Deal” with Donald. Greatest business book of all time. Seriously, bring me a copy and I’ll be happy to sign it for you.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with a Mr. Christie at four.

Contact the author at kpenaflor@wou.edu or on Twitter @journalkatrina