I’m here to predict the future for all you graduating students. And for those of you who aren’t graduating, please reference back to this in the six or so years it will take you to complete your undergrad.

Aries 3/21-4/19
You will be the proud owner of five Taco Bells, Aries. Why not six? Nobody ever said you were an overachiever.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Every day for the rest of your life you will consume 11 Choco Taco’s. This has nothing to do with what you will be doing for work, but I just wanted to let you know that you will be living the exact life you always dreamed of.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
I checked with the stars and not one single Gemini is graduating. There aren’t even any Gemini that go to this school. So if you’re reading this, “Gemini,” you’re a faker, and you’re tacky and I hate you.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Did you know that it’s actually someone’s job to test video games? Wouldn’t that be the dream, Cancer? Well, that’s not going to be your job. Sorry.

Leo 7/23-8/22
I’m looking way into the future for you, Leo, like ten years’ time. What’s to come? Well, hmm, how do I break the news to you? You’ll be in jail. Yup, that’s probably the only way I can say that sentence.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Virgo, you will get into law school. Congrats. Will you get a job after that? I don’t know, do you think I know everything?

Libra 9/23-10/22
Somewhere between your vegan Kashi binge and your hunt for the perfect partner for your hairless cat, you’ll stumble into a trendy start up and they’ll offer you a job.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
November 1, 2031, and I’m not telling you what this date means, but I will tell you that it involves some juicy news.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Well, Sagittarius, I see you entering a job that I am completely jealous of. Is it an movie star? A CEO? Nope, nope. You’ll be involved in testing new brands of wine. You don’t even have to do anything besides drink it and say if it’s good or not.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You will rise up and become president of all the Salt Queens and all the Trash kids of this fine world.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
You forgot about a course. Totally not graduating.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You will be graced with the job of wiping the sweat off of Chris Hemsworth’s face in between takes of him filming the next “Thor” or “Avengers” or whatever those movies are that he does.