This week in completely made up horoscopes
Compiled by Zoe Strickland

Aries 3/21-4/19
This week is looking grim, Aries. For some unknown reason, all of your meal plan points are about to disappear. The stars are showing me piles and piles of ramen in your future.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I have a haunting suspicion that you’ll be getting mail from financial aid this week.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
This is a great week to watch musicals. Let the songs of “Hamilton” narrate your life, Gemini.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week something will happen in your life, Cancer. Sadly, I can’t tell you what. I’ve promised the stars.

Leo 7/23-8/22
It’s only the second week of school, but I can feel that you’re stressed. To curb your anxiety, get a group of friends together and watch “Titanic”.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Do yourself a favor, Virgo. Go to Google and search for images of a ‘blobfish’. You’ll thank me.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Celebrate! If you have a birthday this week, you will soon be the proud owner of a Razor scooter.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
I’ve heard that Scorpio’s are obsessive, but I’m here to tell you that the world is wrong. Checking your phone every 10 seconds to see if someone has texted you is definitely not obsessive. You’re just passionate.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
In 30 years, you will be the heartthrob of the PTA.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
The stars don’t have to tell me that you’re dreading Christmas, Capricorn. This week I’m encouraging you to embrace the peppermint.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Just remember Aquarius, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
This is your week, Pisces. You will finally be able to fit your hand into that Pringles can.