Mount Hood

No one lets the dogs out

puppy-bowl-coloranimalplanet-com

By: Ashton Newton
Entertainment Editor

Homecoming week is here, and while I’m looking forward to all the fun activities planned, I can’t help but be a little upset over the lack of equal species representation in homecoming sports.

There’s powder-puff football and powder-tuff volleyball, but where is the inclusion of our dogs with powder-ruff soccer? Sure, they might just run around and not play, but that’s still adorable.

Even more so, there isn’t even a powder-fluff laser tag for our cats. It’s common knowledge that cats love lasers, so nothing would make them happier than an event full of them. Think about the cats.

Animals of Western brighten our days and make us feel happy, so why do we exclude them from sports that would be both fun for them and adorable for us? It’s unfair for everybody involved. I’ll be the first to tell you that my sweater-wearing cats are very upset about not being involved in this year’s events.

This is just one example of a much larger problem in today’s society; our animals want to be involved. Clothes and costumes for animals are a step in the right direction, but bringing them into our most exciting events should be the standard. Just take the annual Puppy Bowl each year on Superbowl Sunday. That is so far the biggest step forward to animal representation, and Western should try to follow its example.

I know that my cats and dogs and I aren’t the only ones upset about this. Western students with animals must feel the same way. We have the power to change things, along with our animals we need to stand up for equal species representation in homecoming sports, because not only are animals a part of Western, they’re a part of us.

Contact the author at journalentertainment@wou.edu

This week in completely made up horoscopes

By: Stephanie Blair, Ashton Newton and Zoe Strickland

Aries 3/21-4/19
Keep that pepper spray close, Aries. If you go back through your Snapchat story, you’ll notice that a clown has been following you around campus.Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 4.14.23 PM

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Don’t get coffee this week, Taurus. I know you love it, but it doesn’t love you. It’s time to let your addiction go.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Your lost twin is out there somewhere, Gemini. Just keep on singing your half of the Disney duet.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week, 50 Spongebob meme blogs will follow you on Tumblr. Are ya’ feelin’ it now, Mr. Crabs?

Leo 7/23-8/22
Be suspicious of everyone, Leo. There’s a 75 percent chance that the Libras in your life are lying to you.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Have seen “Hocus Pocus”? Don’t light that black flame candle, you virgi- I mean, Virgo.

Libra 9/23-10/22
I know you love Halloween, Libra. Chin up, there’s only 19 days until the best holiday of the year.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You might as well throw out your birthday list, Scorpio. No one is going to buy you anything off of it anyway.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
It’s your world, Sagittarius. Let the “Happy Little Cloud” remix guide your week.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
On Friday, your eyeliner will look great. But as soon as you leave your house, it will smudge and you won’t know for the entire day. Racoon eyes for life.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I’ll keep your secret, Aquarius. Nobody has to know that your favorite band is Phish.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Sorry to break it to you, Pisces, but this is definitely all a dream. It’s not a good one.

I just don’t get Elon Musk’s sexual fascination with space exploration

By: Darien Campo
Concerned Citizen

elon-muskbw-new-versionJust last week SpaceX founder Elon Musk announced his plans to begin work on sending humans to the planet Mars by the year 2022-just six years from now. People around the globe are reacting to the news with excitement, rallying together with a great outpouring of support for the California-based aerospace company. But the whole idea is incredibly baffling to me, because I just don’t get Elon Musk’s sexual fascination with space exploration.

I guess maybe you can call me old fashioned, but I like the way things are right here on Earth. I’m a regular guy: I enjoy coffee, beaches and an atmospheric pressure high enough to support liquid water. So when a guy tells me he wants to spend millions of dollars launching himself on a fancy rocket to some barren rock in the sky, I have to wonder-what kind of elaborate fetish is this guy playing out?

Look, I get it. Space is a “cool” thing now. I’m just as curious about, like, space rocks and stuff as the next guy; but for the life of me I just cannot seem to fathom Elon Musk’s unstoppable need to penetrate the darkness of the infinite void.

What kind of far-out sexual gratification drives a man to shoot rocket after rocket into the sky, watching each one explode, one after another, only to say “Yeah, I’m gonna ride one of those things.”

All of our greatest telescopes have already gone a’knockin’, and scientists can confirm: Mars is empty-no one’s home! So what could he possibly think he’s going to find up there? Does the possibility of extraterrestrial microbial life bring a stirring to his loins?

Maybe the media is to blame. Has the science fiction genre sexualized outer space enough to drive a man to this point? All I know is that Mr. Musk is just one, of a whole generation of young men, who grew up reading things like Edgar Rice Burroughs’ “Princess of Mars” books-a series which blatantly fetishized Martian women as extraterrestrial sex objects. It is books and movies like this that give young men the wrong ideas, and next thing you know the government is allocating funds for perverts like NASA.

All I’m asking for is a little practical decency. Back in my day, we took our disgusting, overcomplicated fetishes and shoved them deep down into the back of our minds where, sometimes at night, I can still feel the desire burning away like a match lit eternal-the way it’s supposed to be.

I don’t know what sort of sick fantasies Musk is hoping to play out in the ancient dust of the vast Martian desert, but I want to know why he can’t just keep it to himself.

Just think about it: if Elon Musk would just stop and take a cold shower, we could instead divert all of that taxpayer money to a more dignified endeavour-perhaps a detailed exhibit at the Smithsonian on women’s feet.

Contact the author at dcampo13@wou.edu

This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes
Compiled by Zoe Strickland

Aries 3/21-4/19
This week is looking grim, Aries. For some unknown reason, all of your meal plan points are Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 4.14.23 PMabout to disappear. The stars are showing me piles and piles of ramen in your future.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I have a haunting suspicion that you’ll be getting mail from financial aid this week.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
This is a great week to watch musicals. Let the songs of “Hamilton” narrate your life, Gemini.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week something will happen in your life, Cancer. Sadly, I can’t tell you what. I’ve promised the stars.

Leo 7/23-8/22
It’s only the second week of school, but I can feel that you’re stressed. To curb your anxiety, get a group of friends together and watch “Titanic”.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Do yourself a favor, Virgo. Go to Google and search for images of a ‘blobfish’. You’ll thank me.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Celebrate! If you have a birthday this week, you will soon be the proud owner of a Razor scooter.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
I’ve heard that Scorpio’s are obsessive, but I’m here to tell you that the world is wrong. Checking your phone every 10 seconds to see if someone has texted you is definitely not obsessive. You’re just passionate.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
In 30 years, you will be the heartthrob of the PTA.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
The stars don’t have to tell me that you’re dreading Christmas, Capricorn. This week I’m encouraging you to embrace the peppermint.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Just remember Aquarius, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
This is your week, Pisces. You will finally be able to fit your hand into that Pringles can.

Campus clown survival tips

By: Ashton Newton
Entertainment Editor

Campus clowns are nothing to be afraid of. Here are some tips to help you get through the epidemic:

1. Clowns are more afraid of you than you are of them.
2. There’s a small chance that the clowns are friendly and just want to entertain you.
3. Clowns usually have big shoes, so you can run faster than them.
4. Clowns can smell fear so just try to smile and sing, “Let it Go” if you see one.
5. If you see a clown exit a vehicle, just remember that there could be an infinite amount of clowns remaining in the vehicle and plan your route accordingly.
6. A clown’s true weakness is sadness, playing “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan while showing pictures of sad puppies should scare the clown off.
7. If it comes down to self-defense, a pie in the face will do more damage than any weapon could do.
8. Clowns only follow people because they want to cheer them up, so when running from a clown, laugh maniacally.
9. If there are clown sightings in your area, avoid walking through forests alone at night.
10. Hostility toward clowns creates hostile clowns. Follow the tips above so hopefully one day we can have peace between the clowns and us.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

By: Zoe Strickland

NASA recently reminded all of us that they truly hold power over the stars. NASA scientists came forth with the information that there are actually 13 zodiac symbols, rather than 12. The ‘new’ zodiac, Ophiuchus, sits nestled in the winter months. Some of you may be freaking out right now, but this (completely fake) astrologer is here to tell you to chill out. Ophiuchus has been around for centuries! Constellations don’t just randomly appear in the Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 4.14.23 PMsky, and not all constellations are zodiac symbols. When Babylonians were creating the zodiac calendar, they decided to pick 12 of the constellations that the sun passed through to represent the 12 different parts of the zodiac. Ophiuchus was always there, the Babylonians just didn’t want it in their calendar. As NASA pointed out on their Tumblr page: they’re in the business of studying astronomy, not astrology. So, take a deep breath, you don’t have to update your Tinder bio just yet.

Aries 3/21-4/19
Yes, that professor doesn’t like you. No, another class won’t fit with your schedule. It’s time to buckle up and face that this year might just not be your year.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
You most definitely need more office supplies. If you can’t fully stock an Office Depot, how do you expect to survive this year?

Gemini 5/21-6/20
That person you’ve been crushing on all week? Just ask them out. New school year, new beginnings. (Maybe some new rejection.)

Cancer 6/21-7/22
The next bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos you buy will be completely empty. Inhale that Cheeto-flavored air, Cancer. It very well may be the highlight of your week.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Your week is looking bright, Leo. On Friday morning you will be gifted with one and a half Pumpkin Spice Lattes. The missing half was consumed by a ravenous squirrel.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
You’re going to have a wild weekend, Virgo. I’m talkin’ tequila, board games, and making homemade bath bombs. Go crazy.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Double check your bank account, Libra. I have a strong suspicion that someone is going to take your credit card and go crazy at Michaels. It’s almost Halloween; identity thieves need decorations, too.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, this week would be a good time to start talking to your plants. We had a meeting last night and the succulents are considering going on a strike. I don’t know the logistics.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Gear up, it is your week in PokemonGO. You’re about to hardcore catch ‘em all. I see a Snorlax in your future, so start hunting.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
The stars are telling me that there’s only 13 weeks left until Christmas. If I were you, I’d start reminding people about your birthday as soon as possible.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
It’s kind of ironic that you don’t like seafood.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you definitely left your stove on this morning.

Horoscopes

I’m here to predict the future for all you graduating students. And for those of you who aren’t graduating, please reference back to this in the six or so years it will take you to complete your undergrad.

Aries 3/21-4/19
You will be the proud owner of five Taco Bells, Aries. Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 4.14.23 PMWhy not six? Nobody ever said you were an overachiever.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Every day for the rest of your life you will consume 11 Choco Taco’s. This has nothing to do with what you will be doing for work, but I just wanted to let you know that you will be living the exact life you always dreamed of.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
I checked with the stars and not one single Gemini is graduating. There aren’t even any Gemini that go to this school. So if you’re reading this, “Gemini,” you’re a faker, and you’re tacky and I hate you.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Did you know that it’s actually someone’s job to test video games? Wouldn’t that be the dream, Cancer? Well, that’s not going to be your job. Sorry.

Leo 7/23-8/22
I’m looking way into the future for you, Leo, like ten years’ time. What’s to come? Well, hmm, how do I break the news to you? You’ll be in jail. Yup, that’s probably the only way I can say that sentence.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Virgo, you will get into law school. Congrats. Will you get a job after that? I don’t know, do you think I know everything?

Libra 9/23-10/22
Somewhere between your vegan Kashi binge and your hunt for the perfect partner for your hairless cat, you’ll stumble into a trendy start up and they’ll offer you a job.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
November 1, 2031, and I’m not telling you what this date means, but I will tell you that it involves some juicy news.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Well, Sagittarius, I see you entering a job that I am completely jealous of. Is it an movie star? A CEO? Nope, nope. You’ll be involved in testing new brands of wine. You don’t even have to do anything besides drink it and say if it’s good or not.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You will rise up and become president of all the Salt Queens and all the Trash kids of this fine world.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
You forgot about a course. Totally not graduating.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You will be graced with the job of wiping the sweat off of Chris Hemsworth’s face in between takes of him filming the next “Thor” or “Avengers” or whatever those movies are that he does.

Student chooses actual “arm and a leg” option for payment of student loans

By: Katrina Penaflor
Managing Editor

Many students who are graduating at the end of this term are faced with the fact that they have a large amount of student loans to take care of after graduation.

This debt, which for some students is in the tens of thousands of dollars, is appearing to be nearly impossible to pay off.

After looking closer at the variety of payment options, and weighing their severity, one student, Gary Traynor, has decided to go for the actual “arm and a leg” option.

“I always thought that was just a saying, you know, a phrase people would use to give emphasis to how much something cost them, but then I really started considering if this was the better option,” Traynor said.

“I’m definitely sticking with my decision. I thought about it, and do I really want to be paying off loans for the next thirty years? Nah, man, just take my arm and leg, you debt-collecting savages.”

The man who issued Traynor his loans, Quentin Wesley, who was asked about the taboo nature of this payment option.

“Well, initially this was only ever listed as a joke. An intern added it in and everyone in the office laughed about it. I never thought anyone would actually choose it,” Wesley said.

He went on to comment, “But we’re in the business of making money, and surprisingly there is a lot of money in the arm and leg business, so we aren’t writing this off as a loss.”

Wesley was then asked if he was worried about the illegal nature of this form of payment. He quickly started to sweat and said, “I hadn’t really thought about it,” before he added, “can you actually keep me anonymous in this article?”
To which I quickly replied, “No.”

Contact the author at journalmanaging@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalKatrina

Dasani to rename themselves “America’s Best Tap Water” until November election

By: Katrina Penaflor
Managing Editor

The next company to show their support for the upcoming election is none other than Dasani, you know, the bottled water brand you buy because it’s cheaper than Smart Water.

But consumers will no longer find “Dasani” on the labels for the next few months. Instead the company is choosing to print “America’s Best Tap Water” to show their support for our fine country.

Franklin O’Brian, a brand spokesman for Dasani, issued a statement about the new name.

“When you think of America, you think of two things. First is the word ‘America’ and second is ‘Dasani.’ We want our company to reflect that, hence the temporary name change,” O’Brian said.

Although it is completely arguable that Americans have never once thought of Dasani when thinking about their country, it can be noted that a major company showing their support for the presidential race is a unique form of marketing.

O’Brian continued with his statement and added, “We really felt like Dasani fit the theme of the election this year, and our rebranding supports that. Our newly labeled ‘America’s Best Tap Water’ is all about not totally being the best water for you, but you’ll drink it anyway because it’s your only option.”

When asked if he thought having “tap water” as part of the new name would deter people from purchasing their product, O’Brian quickly responded with “I don’t think so, no. People will honestly purchase anything with ‘America’ written on it.”

He continued, “Our sales have skyrocketed in the last week that we’ve been on shelves, and all we did was place a sticker over our new labels. We didn’t even bother to reprint.”

To see if what O’Brian was saying was actually true, I stopped by a local Target and found a woman who was purchasing the new America’s Best Tap Water.

I asked why she favored this brand over something of the same price, like Aquafina. She said, “I don’t want people to think I’m un-American. Plus I’m in charge of bringing drinks to my PTA meeting. This will make all the moms look bad who showed up with off-brand bottled water that doesn’t have ‘America’ written on it.”

Contact the author at journalmanaging@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalKatrina

Horoscopes

 

Aries 3/21-4/19Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 4.14.23 PM
Here is a random tweet to I found to guide you through your day. “When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.” -@Tmoney68

Taurus 4/20-5/20
The moons are telling me you’re prepping for summer, Taurus. Take it down a notch, and please stop bathing in tanning oil. You’re getting it all over the place.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
I was harsh on you last week, Gemini, when I predicted you’d only get three pumps. I’m feeling generous today. The stars are telling me you’ll get four.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
I’m sure you’re wondering why your dog is constantly dressing as a goth princess, Cancer. Just let her do her thing. It’s just a phase.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Go eat a mediocre, chunky peanut butter sandwich.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
The next Arizona iced tea you purchase will be filled entirely with cream cheese.

Libra 9/23-10/22
You’ve consumed nothing but uncooked ramen noodles for the last 14 days. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, Libra … actually, I am. Switch up your diet. Go eat something covered in chocolate.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, I’ve got great news for you. Your Justin Trudeau glitter tattoo kit is arriving in the mail tomorrow.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
May 27 is officially the day that you begin dating a 10 piece chicken nuggets box. Congratulations. I’ll send you a card.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Save the date November 24, 2016.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
That plaid shirt is simply disgusting.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
That’s not your cat, it’s a raccoon. Put your glasses back on, Pisces.

Ted Cruz allegedly seen picking up newly dry cleaned Zodiac Killer costume

By: Katrina Penaflor
Managing Editor

In a mom-and-pop dry cleaners in Dallas, Texas, it has been reported—and I use the term reported very loosely—that a man looking oddly similar to Ted Cruz was seen picking up some sort of Zodiac Killer-esque costume on May 5.

The costume, which may or may not be just an oversized black hoodie, was washed by an employee named Robin.

“I was given very specific directions by the man who placed the order to not remove the Cruz 2016 button from the garment. I tried to tell the man it would affect the cleaning, and that Cruz had recently ended his campaign, but he said, ‘leave it on, dammit,’” Robin said.

Robin was unfortunately unable to identify the man beyond saying he had brown hair. When asked what name was left on the order form, Robin showed a copy and under “name” it read “noT the ZoDiaC KiLleR.”

The second eyewitness, who wishes to be unnamed for obvious reasons, said Cruz entered the dry cleaner wearing a white button down shirt that definitely needed to be tailored, and when he exited the establishment he had the black cloak on and was wearing black framed glasses.

“That’s when I knew it was the Zodiac Killer,” he said. “I also saw him get in a gold minivan that was driven by a blonde woman in a pink pant suit. She even got out of the car and yelled at him to hurry up.”

Another Cruz spotting, which can definitely not be confirmed because I overheard two teenage boys talking about it while I waited in line at McDonald’s, said Cruz was also seen earlier that morning at a nearby Party City.

He allegedly asked an employee where their costume selection was, and quickly grew furious when he discovered they had sold out of their adult size large Zodiac Killer costumes.

He left the store in a rage, accidently punching and elbowing multiple employees and shoppers in the face on his way out.

Contact the author at journalmanaging@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalKatrina

Horoscopes

Screen Shot 2016-05-09 at 4.14.23 PMAries 3/21-4/19
I’ve got a special treat for you this week, Aries. Orange mocha frappuccinos!

Taurus 4/20-5/20
There is a very adorable caterpillar in your pocket.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
The moons be dancin’ and singin’ in your favor, Gemini. You will not be hungover on May 14.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
My recommendation for you, Cancer, is to only buy Vlasic brand pickles from here on out.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Piff the magic dragon.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
You think you’re an Evian, Virgo, but you’re really more like a Dasani or an off-brand generic bottle of water.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Libra, the moon told me she burned her toast this morning and the char looked just like your face.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You will be attacked by a garbage squirrel in front of the WUC. Totally unavoidable.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
This content is currently unavailable in your country.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
A falcon will fly into your window at 5 p.m. this Sunday. Her name is Emma and she will be glorious.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
All Aquarians remind me of my uncle Rodger. Cool guy.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
It was Vanessa Hudgens. She did it.

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Aries, the tattoo you just got on your left leg is spelled wrong. Check it, double check it, and show it to a friend over 30. I’m totally right.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Your astrological sign has now been changed to Libra. Please refer to the horoscope below.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Hop on the fourth bus headed to Dallas on May 3 at the stop right in front of the WUC. Proceed to the left side of the aisle and sit seven rows back. Look under the seat for your next instructions.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Spill the tea, Cancer. I want to hear all the juicy details about your encounter with the campus dreamboat.

Leo 7/23-8/22
You’re lookin’ like a flavor blasted, xtra cheddar Goldfish cracker this morning, Leo. Use this to your advantage.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
You will be delivered one of those glorious sushi burritos tomorrow by a close friend.

Libra 9/23-10/22
You’ll wake up in a tub of vegan marshmallow cream tomorrow, Libra. What does this mean? Is it a euphemism? Is it the hot new slang the teens are saying? Just embrace it.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
When you hear the song “Milkshake” by Kelis playing within the next week, jump far to your right. You will narrowly miss getting hit by a ceiling tile. You’re welcome.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Java Crew’s blended chai lattes are straight crack. Is this a horoscope? No, but I needed a place to post this statement.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
If you promise to name your baby after me, I’ll give you a really good, non-pregnancy related horoscope next week, Capricorn.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Unironic plaid.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
John Stamos is the man who has been following you.

Students swallow midterms in an effort to avoid taking tests

 

By: Katrina Penaflor
Managing Editor

Madeline Meyers, a twenty-something philosophy major, has come across a new solution to getting out of taking a test:

Screen Shot 2016-05-01 at 8.46.20 PM“Just swallow it.”

The trend Meyers has coined as “di-testing” (you know, like digesting but you eat a freakin’ test) is happening all over campus.

“You really have to make a scene out of it. Get dramatic, crumple up the paper, and scarf it down in front of your professor. They’ll think you’re crazy and you’ll definitely get out of the test,” said a sophomore student who wished to remain anonymous.

But what is the success rate? Will consuming a packet of paper really get you out of taking a midterm? Won’t teachers try to reschedule?

“Sometimes,” said Meyers. “But if you really freak them out, the teacher will probably just give you a pass at taking it. It’s a much simpler solution to actually studying.”

Simpler? Something tells me chewing and consuming multiple pages of printer paper is not easier than actually studying for a test.

Ava Belle, a fitness instructor on campus who teaches several of the yoga and Pilates classes at WOU, has her own opinion. “This stuff won’t fly, not on my watch. I had a kid try and swallow a yoga mat the other day. That was the last straw.”

Some say the reason behind the di-testing is an increased amount of stress among students, especially seniors who are on the verge of graduating.

I spoke with a senior, currently enrolled in 22 credits if the di-testing was worth giving a try. They responded, “Honestly, I’ll literally try anything at this point if it means less work and still being able to graduate.”

Roger Phillips, a freshman, was asked why he participated in di-testing, and if it had anything to do with stress.

“Stress? No. I’m not really all that stressed. I wasn’t even trying to get out of taking it. I saw this kid next to me do it, so I followed him and ate the biology midterm. I thought it was part of the exam process.”

I didn’t even bother to try and ask him another question after that. I simply left the interview, closed out this story, and continued on with my life.

Contact the author at journalmanaging@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalKatrina

Humor: ASWOU offers super-genius puppies in an effort to attract more voters

By: Katrina Penaflor 
Managing Editor

“Have you voted?” Is the question I’ve been asked every time I’ve stepped within a hundred feet of the Werner Center this week.

And sometimes, I’m positive it’s not even a person from ASWOU asking, just some twenty-something man in a generic blue polo looking to make small talk.

In hopes of attracting voters, ASWOU has been offering incentives to students who are willing to brave through the labyrinth that is OrgSync in exchange for things like popsicles and brownies.

But to the college students who “simply don’t give uh,” the snacks just weren’t doing it for them.

“We needed to think of something that would entice even more students to vote. We went the safe route with our marketing, it was time we did something really daring. Something that college students would connect with,” said a woman who looked well-spirited enough to be a representative for ASWOU.

And the grand idea in all of this? Hundreds of adorable, totally-free-if-you-vote, super-genius puppies.

The dogs, besides being able to do regular dog stuff, can proofread your papers, balance your checkbook, and speak fluent Mandarin.

“Are they smart enough to vote for me?” A junior, and now new dog owner, Vanessa Rook asked. To which ASWOU quickly responded, “No.”

After news of the dog giveaway spread, students flew to the voting stands outside the WUC. I tried to swindle my way ahead of the line by telling someone from ASWOU that I had already voted.

I was immediately thanked and given a puppy for my “efforts,” but to my surprise the dog turned on me and revealed my scheming ways.

He told ASWOU that I had in fact not voted. Or at least, I’m told that’s what he said—I don’t speak Mandarin.

The dog was removed from my possession until I logged into OrgSync and voted for real.

I’m happy to say that my efforts were worth it, and that I also changed outfits five times that day and continued to let ASWOU know I had voted, receiving more and more super-genius dogs.

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Only Drake knows.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I spoke with Jupiter and she told me to pass this info along; go on and explore your sexuality with that kid from Bio that you keep eyein’.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
On Friday, keep looking in the mirror. Half of your eyebrow (because I know you always do your eyebrows) will wipe off. Be warned. No one is going to speak up about it, Gemini, that’s why I’m warning you.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Ever swim in a pool full of adorable Corgis? No? That’s about to change this week, Cancer.

Leo 7/23-8/22
It’s not herpes, Leo. Congrats!

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Virgo, I predict good fortune on the horizon. Go to a bar this weekend and start a tab, the bartender will accidentally put all your drinks on another person’s. Sucks for them, but a night of free drinks for you!

Libra 9/23-10/22
Password to your ex’s phone: 5331.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Go ahead, Scorpio, celebrate taco Tuesday- you’ll regret it immediately.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
I’m predicting a literal mental break down for you this week, Sagittarius, over the fact that you can’t get your eyeliner in check. Prepare for this. I prescribe a fat of bottle of wine. (For the 21 and over crowd. Or, like, drink Martinelli’s and pretend it’s champagne if you’re of the younger variety.)

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
With child.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really advice, Aquarius, but I’m sensing you need to be salty. Make dinner plans with all the people you hate and cancel 15 minutes prior.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go to Yang’s, order an extra side of cabbage, and see what happens.

Local woman receives wrong order at Dutch, “barely lives” to tell tale

By: Katrina Penaflor 
Managing Editor

Screen Shot 2016-04-17 at 9.59.23 PMJessica – or maybe it was Rachel – Smith spent last Tuesday in a panic during her Intro to Psychology course when she discovered the drink she had ordered from the local Dutch Bros. in Monmouth was, in fact, wrong.

Smith had ordered her usual non-fat, sugar free, iced Caramelizer with no whipped cream, only to discover later in class that the drink was “completely wrong.”

“First of all, the drink was hot,” said Smith. “I wanted it iced.”

When asked how she didn’t notice right off the bat that the drink was served in a hot to-go cup instead of the clear plastic one used for iced drinks, she replied, “I told you, I didn’t try it until I got to class.”

Smith also explained that the drink was actually a chai latte, and not at all a Caramelizer.

To investigate further, I travelled to the Dutch Bros. of said incident to speak to the barista who served Smith her drink. (Because, really, what else did I need to spend my time doing?)

I arrived to Dutch and was greeted by a man who was in a much better mood than I was. Taylor Swift was playing on the stereo and I immediately regretted my decision to take on this unnecessary investigation.

The man at the window, Marco (I didn’t actually ask his name but he definitely looked like a Marco) told me that he was the one who served Smith. It was his first day on the job and he accidently served her the drink that was meant for the opposite window.

“I realized my mistake right after I handed it to her, I tried to called for her but she had already driven away.”

Marco graciously offered to remake the drink he had gotten wrong and asked me to hand it off to Smith, to which I replied, “absolutely.”

While singing to “Shake It Off” Marco passed off the corrected Caramelizer and continuing to repeat, while I re-answered, the question of what my plans were for the day.

After receiving Smith’s fixed drink, I waved goodbye to the chipper barista, and drank the Caramelizer on my way home.

Case closed.

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
You are now named Albert. Every single last one of you, Aries. Sorry, It’s written in the stars.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Two tickets to Hamilton are in your future, Taurus … or is it two tickets to Hamlet at the local community theatre? I can’t quite remember.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
The answer to question number four on your test on Tuesday is B.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Mango. All you Cancers out there know exactly what I’m talking about.

Leo 7/23-8/22
This is the phone number to call, 541-613-9854. Ask for Rhonda and she’ll transfer you to William.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Vestibulum pretium avia misit vos tabellariorum septimana.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop putting mayonnaise on everything, Libra. That’s gross.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
I’ve set up a blind date for you, Scorpio. Meet this mystery woman named Brianna at the gazebo at the park on Main St. on Wednesday, April 13. Only single attractive men, please.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, looks like Peaches will arrive in your yard at 7:33 p.m. this Saturday. Do not miss this.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
I just ordered you a shirt that says “bun in the oven.” And, yes, beautiful, talented fake astrologers like myself do have Amazon Prime accounts, so it will be arriving shortly.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Looks like a full moon is approaching this weekend, Aquarius. But that literally has nothing to do with the poor fortune I’m sending your way. You’re going to run into your ex-girlfriend this weekend. Be sure to prepare a quick speech of all things going right in your life.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You will finally be rewarded for being a trash girl, Pisces. And it’s about damn time.

Area man can no longer find place to break out “solid” Bill Cosby impression

By: Declan Hertel
Entertainment Editor

With Bill Cosby facing multiple allegations of drugging and raping young women during his long career, local man Kyle Thompson hasn’t been able to find a suitable context in which to make use of his well-practiced impression of the comedian without seeming tasteless.

“It always kills at parties,” complained Thompson, wishing that the comedian would have considered those who have put “serious work” into their impression of him before he drugged and raped all those women.

“The last time I did it, all I got was silence, with some nervous chuckles too, but it mostly flopped,” said Thompson. “At one point I went for broke and made a date-rape joke with the voice, and it did mostly go over, but I felt kind of weird about it afterward, so I haven’t done it since.”

“It’s a shame, it really is,” said Tobin Davis, who once heard Thompson perform the bit at a party, describing the impression as “pretty spot-on” and “almost uncanny.”

Thompson admitted that he also does have decent Pee-Wee Herman, Professor Farnsworth, and Barack Obama impressions in his repertoire, but he was “really banking on the Cosby” to keep parties lively.

“Someone pointed out that if I just add a really gravelly quality to the Cosby impression, I’ll have a pretty okay Louis Armstrong, but it’s just not the same.”

Thompson is entertaining the idea of really buckling down on his Al Pacino, but fears that the aging actor is no longer the cultural touchstone he once was.

“Cosby’s particular brand of charming, fatherly gibberish is timeless,” said Thompson. “But I guess that was before we found out about all the rape.”

Bill Cosby could not be reached for comment.

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Jimmy is the one who’s been stealing your lunch from the break room fridge, Aries.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know you want to break up with your boyfriend, but hold out for another week. He’s giving you a dog.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Gemini, I know you’re wondering if you failed your Biology test … you did. Sorry.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Cancer, there is an old, but still totally edible, Snickers in the right pocket of the jeans you are wearing.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Please stop sending in requests for better horoscopes, Leo. Come on, you’re better than this.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
All the stars and moons or whatever have aligned this week for you, Virgo. This means good fortune, and by good fortune I mean you won’t be subjected to all the meaningless conversation you’re stuck in on a daily basis.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Do NOT look behind you.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, there’s free candy in that totally normal and not at all suspicious looking van parked outside your apartments. Feel free to check it out.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Not so much a fortune, but a request. Please change your Tinder photo, Sagittarius. I beg of you.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Very much still definitely 100 percent pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Oh, Aquarius, all your kindness is going to pay off this week. Be sure to check your email, one of your classes is getting cancelled.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
I spy a free vacation in the near future, Pisces.

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