This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Is that an expired COVID vaccine in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

2021 is 2012 backwards but at least this time I’m prepared to die

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

what’s your favorite absurd way to package wine? mine’s canned

Cancer 6/21-7/22

*claps hands with Libra*

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just send them to the Bermuda Triangle and we won’t have these problems anymore

Virgo 8/23-9/22

a tubular optical instrument containing lenses and mirrors by which an observer obtains an otherwise obstructed field of view

Libra 9/23-10/22

If you’re about to spend the stimulus money on things you don’t need and you know it, clap your hands!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I can drink (responsibly) now

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Glad we’re still in the peppermint mocha stage of seasonal beverages

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18


absolutely nobody: 

pharmacist: destroys 500 vaccines because just anyone can be a pharmacist

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The amount of serotonin I get from drinking out of odd shaped mugs is unnatural.

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