Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] AYYY BEP BEP BEP BEP BEP BEP. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Just give up already, not working anyway. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Dude, Gemini’s and their little rat fingers. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Be more like Obi-Wan. Take the high ground. Be the high ground. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] How does take to screw lightbulb in.      25.63 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] I scream, you scream, we all scream. Everyone’s incompetent. Dick Cheney made money off the Iraq War. Stars. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Have you heard of the Giant Salamander? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Better out than in I say. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] BIG BOTO [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Do you hAve any moRE AlmOnd mIIILLLLk? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Look out. I’ll eat a pig any way, any day. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Don’t let this sunshine deceive you. It’s still like -30 degrees outside. [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Round 1: FIGHT [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] You may think that was a good idea, but be honest with yourself… it most surely was not. Have fun fixing it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] You want some advice? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] An apple a day keeps the doctor away; an apple aimed at his head keeps him away for life. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Don’t let yourself get overshadowed by the DiCaprios and DiVincis of the world… can’t all be special. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] 🙁 Virgo, you’re the snack that DOESN’T smile back, and that’s ok 🙂 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Take some time to relax Libra. Maybe grab some popcorn, place some bets, and watch the Sagittarii v Capricorns fight it out. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] It’s okay, Spring Break is only 54 days away. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Attack any capricorn you see today 🙂 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Be safe, you’ll probably get attacked by a sagittarius today. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Inserting yourself into the Sag v Cap situation will definitely make it better 🙂 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Steer clear of both Sagittariuses and Capricorns this week. Both are crazy tbh. [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The stars have a message for Leo : you’re not my dad. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Oh, you know, just checking if gravity still works… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Did you see that fight last week? Put 20 bucks on Pisces winning this week if you feel like making bank Gemini. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] “Does anyone have any orange slices?” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Capricorns like to think they’re spicy, but their words hold no weight. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Sometimes your S/O has to stop drunk you from jumping out of the car to pet deer and you know what? I love that for you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Spell “attic” lmaoooooo

Kyle stfu don’t judge me

Can we leave this

Of course [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Did you hear what Taurus said about you? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Pisces: ¿It’s my birthday?

Leo: I’m your dad.

The Northwest Passage Editor-in-Chief: hi

The REAL Northwest Passage Editor-in-Chief: Why [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Watch out for Pisces and Leo, now they’re on the chopping block this week [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Aquarius, today is a good day to bet on a fight Double down, all in, push it to the max! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] THat’s one a sPICy a meatball [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] 3 day weekends are great, until you spontaneously watch all of the Star Wars movies and now you’re behind 3 readings, 7 assignments, and 2 Papers… May the Force be with you, Aries. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Cats don’t jump, they small… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] The Stars have dIpPeD [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] We should start calling Oregon residents Organisms. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The Stars no advice for you, Leos. Figure it out, man. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] You’ve known that Persephone was the heroine since before it was cool. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Turn up [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Remember when you were a kid and all you wanted to do was grow up, and now the thought of being a proper adult is absolutely nauseating. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] …aaaaaaaaaa yeet [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Make sure you get that extra shot of espresso in your coffee, you’re going to need it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] It’s the star’s birthday today… You forgot, didn’t you? Sigh. Well, it’s okay, I know you were too busy reading and working six weeks ahead to notice… Even more dramatic sigh. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Brb catch me trying to mentally get over the fact that it’s literally Week 3 already and I still feel like I’m on break?? [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Okay, so out of my 326 News Years Resolutions, only about 2 are do-able, but then like who cares about resolutions anyway ?? I do what I want !! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] You’re a bull, not an octopus, don’t try to do so many things at once… So what if you fail right… NOT [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Scorpios were put into this world to create obstacles for you. So if you get into a fight with a Scorpio, no one will blame you. 😉 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] My New Years resolution was to be a more responsible student. But so far I’ve dropped a class and skipped the other two. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Is your class workload overwhelming you? …lol rip go do your homework [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] “WE WERE ON A BREAAAKKKK,” you scream, but it’s week 2 of classes and have you ever really taken a break in your life? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] 2020 is turning out to be more like 2019 II [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Does it feel like 2020 is gonna be your year? That’s cute. No really — adorable. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] New year, same you. Who says you have to change? Keep being your beautiful self. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] No one : 

Me : Hey, did you know “?!” is called an interobang ?! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] It’s not too late to add a new class to your schedule! Or maybe it is? I’m not the expert. Don’t ask me. STOP talking ABOUT IT! [/fruitful_tab]

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From the humor section: Booze and reviews of “Mother!”

Compiled by The Western Howl 21+ staff

Halloween is just around the corner, and to get ourselves ready for all the horror, four 21+ staff members decided to sit down and write our absolute honest reviews of a psychological thriller we hadn’t seen before, “Mother!” (2017). And in order for it to be really honest, we had to be a little tipsy.

These reviews were only edited for clarity and appropriateness, so get ready to enjoy our super-tipsy and very sincere thoughts.This film deals with sensitive themes centered around religion, Christianity and the mistreatment of women. Remember that these reviews are the opinions of the reviewers and do not reflect the opinions of The Western Howl. 

Please remember to drink responsibly.

 

Caity:

Climat change is real, folks. And “Mother!” wants you to know it! So basically, this movie is about Jennifer Lawernece’s worst day ever. She has a house that she worked SO hard on, and her husband (who is trash) continually makes everything hard for her. He lets literally anyone into the home (as long as they worship him… hint hint) even if it makes life hard for her. 

So here’s the thing about this film; if you don’t know a lot about Christianity, you really won’t know much about the movie. I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know a ton, but like I kinda got my way through it enough to figure out what was happening. Like, there was a LOT of biblical references. But the whole time you pretty much just want to punch the husband in the face and want to give Jennifer Lawrence a hug. Poor Jenny. This shiz is rough for her.

Overall, I’d say what??? Was that??? And I don’t even think I would understand it IF I was sober. But I can fairly certainly say it was good. Also Kristen Wiig made an appearance and that made me :D!! 

So if you wanna watch it it’s on Hulu. It’ll make you feel bad about how you treat Mother Earth. Like, real bad.

 

Hannah:

Mother! A movie that makes my opinion a fact; religion has f—-d up this earth in a lot of ways and continues to. 

With Him being the “creator” using Mother (our Earth) until her death, just to start all over again in pure selfishness and greed. The creator (god, yes a lowercase g) just takes and takes to please his followers — the followers who only want their sins forgiven instead of facing reality b—-. The directors did an excellent way of portraying how messed up religion and it’s followers are to Mother Earth. Straws, created by religion to help destroy the poor turtles. Plastic bags, created by religion to clog the stomachs of animals. Apparently the Devil is bad and evil, but at least he created some sweet a– lettuce… Thanks for all the dank salad dude, you rock! 

 

Sage

I’m sad. Men should watch this movie. Women –watch at your own risk because it could trigger you a lot. I feel like being drunk isn’t a good thing for this movie – mostly because I feel like I can’t do the themes and social commentary justice. There are so many variables here regarding the symbolism. Basically, religion bad (sorry), women are always the ones who suffer (it’s true) and in the end, everybody is f—-d over because of it. AND IT NEVER F—–G CHANGES, Ya’ll don’t do S–T. Ya’ll, it aint that deep, but also it really is.

Anyways, this movie will give you a headache. You have to pay attention but the cinematography makes that difficult as the camera angles shift at every second. It will give you a headache. At first I was like, DANG THIS IS SOME GOOD WRITING. And at the end I was still DANG THIS IS SOME GOOD WRITING but with a side of, hmmm…I want to cut off the heads of the bougwazie (I KNOW THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SPELL IT) and you know that scene in Forrest Gump when Leuitenant Dan wants to fight god and hes screaming at the top of the mast…same? But less chaotic and more just…sad. Sadly fighting god. 

And that’s it, that’s the movie. Profiting off of women’s trauma. HMMMMMM. 

 

Rachel: 

(Managing Editor’s note: Rachel gave more of a play-by-play, so read simply for your enjoyment… and your confusion.)

kats seeing an older creepy man. Some tea? b—- he dont want no drink stop. shes making it anyways. 

Pregnant or pregnot? He didnt want nno tea but they gave it to him anywats, and he didnt watnt to stay the night but htey made him like d–n stop being so controlling. girls got hella linens. why all these old men with young girls? get yo wrinkles outta here. hes working on a new piece.she is unhappy in her marriage b—h leave him youre so young and pretty he is bad for you  get out of othat relationshio you can do so much better.

“Thought you might like some lemonade” *slams lemonade onto table and asks for pain pills* ?? what a b—-h. let this girl work on her wall damn. They goin on a “hike” 😉 ohh hes ‘a nature boy” 😉 oh no toilet broke . ewwwww its like a s–t squid. OMG IS IT THE BABY

?????????????????????????????????????????????????he is supposed to be god.  is she mother earth?? she givin birth now.  oh no. baby is gonre. She crying 🙁 they killed him. theyre eating the baby. good b—h you kill them go go go. WAit hes taking her to the beginning?? is this abotu god failing? Oh shes not her anymore. AHES THE CRYSTAL W T F  O MG . YOU GOTTA KNOW RELIGION FOR THIS MOVIE D–N.Read thr bible before you watch this

good night love tou ALL.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] LET ME BE FREE [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] You may feel like a zombie, everything hanging on by tendrils… but don’t worry — you’re so so so so sooooooooo close. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Maybe let your twin take over for finals? The stars wish you good luck. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Can I go home yet? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] This is your call to action. What for? Who knows… but do something I guess… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] pippity poppity give me the zoppity [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Some advice while the end of the term nears: try eating honey every other day. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] IT’S SAGITTARIUS SEASON. K bye. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Are you regretting putting off all of those assignments until now? Four days before they’re due? Same. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Hold onto your last brain cell, Aquarius. You only need it for one more week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] It’s cold af outside but not snowing. How am I supposed to get away with skipping class everyday this week without snow? [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The stars know you’re excited to deck the halls and listen to those sweet, sweet pipes of Michael Bublé, Aries, but don’t forget there’s a whole holiday associated to your favorite pastime ⏤ eating! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Life right now is going at ludicrous speed and you feel like you’re constantly catching up. Don’t be afraid to turn to Yogurt for guidance and spiritual wisdom, he may even lend you his ring to finish off these last few weeks. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] You’re tired? Take a nap, the stars have your best interest at heart. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Can you guys turn your music down, and turnip that beet? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] It’s definitely that time of the year to play holiday music really loud, and most likely lose half of your friend group to that decision. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] You mess with the bull, you get the horns. You mess with a Virgo, you get… them crying profusely. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Get dat bread. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Should you have listened? Maybe. Did you? No. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] My name is Kyle. Nice to meet you, Tiffany. I have a reminder for you: don’t forget to drink guacamole on Sunday, Nov. 12, 2019. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Christmas is right around the corner, don’t be such a salty Bublé. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Aquarius, eat much gud. Always. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] This week in history, the Xbox was released in 2001. Ah, good times. If I listen closely I can still hear the faint sounds of “GTA: Vice City”… “video killed the raaadio star…” [/fruitful_tab]

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Campus Conspiracy Theories

The Portal

OK, hear me out. WHAT IF the art students are all in a cult? WHAT IF all the art on campus is strategically placed as part of a ritual to summon Cthulhu? WHAT IF those ridiculously flamboyant electric purple flowers outside of the Triple D–k (Ed) building are actually the beginning of the portal opening? WHAT IF… it’s already too late? 

 

Robots Among Us

They’re all over campus, impossible to miss. They seem harmless enough, innocent, perhaps even cute enough to feed. Don’t be mistaken, those fluffy little squirrels on campus are most likely animatronics planted by the university. I’m not saying that it’s 100% a fact, but think about it: it kind of makes sense.

 

The Wolf in the Walls

On Columbus Day of 1962, a major storm hit campus and knocked down the bell tower that was once on Campbell Hall, Western’s oldest building. It was too expensive to repair, so where there used to be doors, there is a now a bricked-in outline of the door frames. So my theory — the spirits of all the Wolfies (previously known as Waldo’s) of Western’s past live in those rebuilt walls … watching. Waiting. For what? Who knows. 

 

It’s Below the Leaves

During the seasonal change from fall to winter, a mysterious occurrence takes over the Western campus. The leaves fall rapidly, covering the ground below us making sure to cover up the mystery — our gardening staff work hard to try and uncover this everyday, but are never on time and it has moved. This mystery has been known to grab ankles, cause students and staff to trip, given cars flat tires and even snagged squirrels rummaging for food. There have been few accounts of where this mysterious thing has been seen, but those people are long gone, stuck in the old buildings of the Western campus to haunt and scare…

 

Illustrated by Rachel Hetzel

From the humor section: Not-so-scary stories of our lives

Compiled by The Western Howl staff

Caity:

I was just three years old when my life was (almost) changed forever. Let me preface this by saying that I have been watching horror movies since I came out of the womb. I promise, I have good parents — and I turned out fine so it’s whatever. That being said, let me take you back to the year 2001, when my older sister Meagan sat me down to give me “the talk.” Not the one you’re probably thinking of. The other one. The one where your older siblings try to convince you that your parents aren’t your birth parents. Only this talk came with a twist.

Sitting on my bed, Meagan, who is seven years my senior, had a serious look on her face. Then she said it. The words that have stuck with me since:

“Caity, I have to tell you something… your real dad is Michael Myers. And he’s coming to pick you up today. So pack your stuff, you’re leaving tonight,” she said somberly.

I was terrified. But being the little angel I was, I started packing my stuff. What else are you supposed to do when you find out Mikey is your dad?! Tears rolling down my face, I grabbed my “Little Mermaid” suitcase and packed all of five shirts that could actually fit in the thing. It wasn’t until I was entirely done packing that my sister had the decency to tell me this was all one big joke. Haha, Meg. You really got 3-year-old me.

Anyways, to this day I still have an obsession with Michael Myers and all things “Halloween” and it’s probably because he’s my real dad. Love you, Dad.

 

Sage: 

You wanna know how I got these scars? The three ones that you can barely see on the palm of my hand? 

Well, imagine young, 14-year-old Sage. Closeted (that’s a pun, just wait), on my way to the haunted forest attraction that was a tradition for me and my then-best friend (who I was probably in love with and this story should be gayer than it is, but I digress). But before we could go and do that, we had to stop at my little sister’s elementary school halloween celebration where they decorated the hallways and had trick-or-treaters go through it like a maze. 

Now, I don’t know what self-respecting elementary school hires college students to act as ghouls and goblins, but what I do know is that they couldn’t tell the difference between high school freshman and college students, so my friend and I snuck in easily. They had what seemed like hundreds of costumes, and my friend and I settled on these absolutely horrifying clown masks, and, donning our hands with fake blood, we (completely unsupervised) found a door to hide behind in one of the hallways. 

It was a blast. Every time a little elementary schooler walked past, we’d leap up from our crouched position behind the door and banged on the windows, hollering and dramatically dragging our bloody fingers across the glass. Pretty sure we made some small beans pee their pants. 

And y’all, the tension was real, my friend and I pressed up next to each other, sweaty and bloody and feral. And that really would’ve been a brilliant time to make a move, if I hadn’t hit the window so hard, just as a kiddo was rounding the corner, that I put my hand straight through the glass. 

And I, ya know, just kind of held it there in shock, now with REAL blood gushing out of my hand. I think I let out a long, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” before suggesting we get someone. 

Anyways, we ruined the event and some random teacher had to escort me to find my mom, who then bandaged me up in the school bathroom while I giggled like a moron (cuz, shock). Surprisingly, my parents weren’t mad, BUT I did learn later on that the person’s door I had broken happened to be the ‘meanest teacher in school.’ Thank god we moved. 

And that’s the story about how I got too into the halloween festivities and ruined my first gay awakening by being an idiot. And I did, come out of the closet, figuratively at least. 

 

Never:

The year is sometime in the early 2000s, I am young, easily frightened, and trust my elder sister far too much. We were sharing a room at this time in our lives — as we did for our entire childhood and adolescence — she had the top bunk and I had the lowly bottom bunk. It was around Halloween, when we went to a friend’s place and her brother was watching a movie I know now as “The Ring,” a classic tale of horror where a mysterious voice will say on the phone, “You will die in seven days.” Low and behold, they would die in horrendous ways after seven days.

I could only stomach so much of the film, but I got the gist, and I wasn’t happy about it. That night lying in my bed, staring up towards where my sister peacefully slept I kept replaying the haunting movie in my head. That’s when I heard it — a whisper. 

“You…will die…in sevennn dayssss.” There was no mistaking this terrifying promise, I called for my sister, but she peacefully snored unaware of the horror I was facing.

Running on little sleep I was terrified the following day to go to bed, but my mom insisted, and there it was again, a cruel and unforgiving whisper.

“You will die…in six daysss.” This time I crawled up into my sister’s bed, distraught and in tears, begging for her to wake up.

This torture went on for five more days, and I kept silent; afraid to drag my mom or dad into something I had to face on my own.

My final day to live, I sat at the breakfast table and after picking at my plate and sniffing in tears, and my mom asking one last time, “What on Earth is wrong?” I finally told them the bad news.

“I’m going to die today.” When I mentioned the whispering voice who informed me of my sure demise, my sister stared at me with raised brows before stating matter-of-factly, “that was me, idiot.”

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Ooouh, Aries, all of your new pens are so nice. The stars wonder how long it’ll take this year before you lose them all.

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[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] With the start of a new month and a new school year, it may seem like a lot has filled your plate fast; your stubborn attitude will make everything else that much more difficult. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] We all know you’re going to show up to class and make professors think you’re a good student, just so they don’t see your other (unproductive/procrastinating) side. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one having a breakdown one the first day of classes. Just keep down the crying and your day should go smooth. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] This is the time for you Leo to really outgrow the expectations you have for yourself; you CAN eat that pint of ice cream and finish an entire season of “Friends” in two days. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Hey Virgo, it’s absolutely OK if you add a little more spice than the recipe requires. I see you over there holding the measuring cup under a magnifying glass. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Oh no, here we go again. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] It’s no shocker that people view you the way that you do, because you know you act a certain way. But with where the planet is at, you also know that will cause other things to happen for you. Keep that in mind with the start of the new term. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] LET’S BRING BACK ROLLING BACKPACKS. WE CAN RIDE EACH OTHER’S BACKPACKS AND CREATE A TRAIN [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Make sure you sit at the very front of the class. That way, your professor can hear you loud and clear when you fact check every part of the lesson. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] The stars know that you’re excited to be starting classes… oh, it’s the pumpkin spice lattes you’re excited about… hey, at least you’re excited for something, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Yo, Pisces. I see you didn’t even clean the old papers out of your backpack from last school year. Or from… two years ago? Three?! You monster. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

 

Tips from tots: Advice for those graduating

Caity Healy | Editor-in-Chief

Needing a little bit of advice before you head off from Western? Don’t go to your adviser, go to the ones who will always be entirely honest — kids. Seven kiddos from the Child Development Center were ready to share their tips for all of you soon-to-be graduates by answering a very important question: what should the big kids at Western know or do before they graduate from school?

 

Wyatt

“Learn… new stuff. Eat … um, popcorn, at the movie theater. And for dinner, I have broccoli, and potatoes, and um, and burritos. And, um, chips. And, um, I have water.”

[fruitful_sep]

Evie

“I always like to play and eat food … a cheese sandwich, and macaroni and burgers.”

[fruitful_sep]

Jove

“Take pictures … inside … And kindergarten.”

[fruitful_sep]

Corryn

“Have a great goal in life … (my goal is) to make sure I achieve my dreams.”

[fruitful_sep]

Casey

“I like to play with my friends all the time.”

[fruitful_sep]

Marshall

“(They should know) about being a teacher.”

[fruitful_sep]

Margo

“Be respectful.”

 

Contact the author at howleditor@wou.edu

Photos by Caity Healy

Humor: Personality quiz — which Western building are you?

Caity Healy | Editor-in-Chief

1. By some miracle, you have a ton of free time on a weekday. What do you do with it?

  1. Nuzzle up by the fire, maybe read a book about human rights.
  2. Work on a project I’ve been putting off. It’s fine if I make a mess, it’ll be cleaned up.
  3. Hit up someone I haven’t talked to in a bit, see how they’re doing.
  4. See if my friends need any help with their work.

 

2. Nobody’s perfect. How would you describe your biggest flaw?

  1. Hard to say. In some cases, I struggle to open myself up. Other times, I’m too transparent.
  2. I can be too focused on my past. I’ve had to rebuild myself multiple times, it’s hard to let that history go.
  3. I keep forcing people out of my life. I let them in for short periods, but at the end of the day, I can’t keep them around.
  4. I don’t really know who I am. There are so many parts to me, I struggle to really explain myself.

 

3. Sure, you’re not perfect. But you’re pretty great. How would you describe your best trait?

  1. I care about people. I strive to make the world a better place, where everyone has equal rights.
  2. I inspire people to express themselves honestly. And people can depend on me to be there.
  3. I’m not sure, but I must be doing something right. People care about me a lot. Like, a LOT.
  4. I provide support to my friends whenever I can, in whatever way that I can.

 

4. You’re having a movie night with your friends, what kind of movie are you watching?

  1. Something really inspiring that will definitely make me cry.
  2. A documentary of some sort — some history, or maybe an artistic biography.
  3. A supernatural thriller. I love horror.
  4. Something about best friends who have each others’ backs.

 

5. One of these songs comes on the radio during a road trip. Which one has you belting the lyrics out?

  1. “Formation” by Beyonce. Makes you feel powerful af.
  2. “Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato. You might not have Demi’s range, you’re gonna try.
  3. “Ghostbusters” by Ray Parker Jr. We love a good soundtrack.
  4. “Fix You” by Coldplay. Sometimes you just have to cry a little bit.

 

Mostly A’s:

You’re the RWEC! You’re super comforting, and beautiful inside and out. You consider everyone and inclusivity is a goal of yours. However, you have a really hard time letting people in. Some days, you shut people out completely.

 

Mostly B’s:

You’re Campbell Hall! You’ve been around forever and people can depend on you. You’re definitely a work of art, but you’re also definitely a lot of work. Yes, you have a lot of history. But people can only help build you up so many times.

 

Mostly C’s:

You’re Todd Hall! People really care for you. Some care a little too much. There’s a lot of ghosts in your past — it’s important that you don’t let these ghosts stop people from feeling welcome in your life.

 

Mostly D’s:

You’re the APSC! Look, you’re confusing. There are a lot of levels to you. So many that often people can have a hard time navigating through them. You’re there to support people, and that’s great! But if they can’t even find their way in, it’s pointless.

 

Contact the author at howleditor@wou.edu

Cheesy pick-up lines that DEFINITELY work 100% of the time…maybe.

You ever see a person that you just really want to impress, but the right words can’t seem to form in your brain? If that’s happened to you, you know that as a result, you end up standing there, blank-faced. Or, worse, you ramble an incoherent sentence that makes absolutely no sense. Fear not — your friends at the Western Howl are here to make those awkward encounters a little bit less uncomfortable. Just memorize a few of these cheesy pick-up lines, and you should be good to go.

Note: If something goes wrong while using these, it’s definitely NOT the fault of the Western Howl, or the fault of the pickup line. These lines are absolutely FOOLPROOF and if you get rejected or something then you probably did something wrong.

 

“Do you have an ugly boyfriend? No? Want one?”

“Hey, is that guy bothering you? No? Would you mind if I bothered you then?”

“You’re a 9/10. And I’m the 1 you need.”

“Girl, are you a Taco Bell sauce, cuz you’re pretty mild.”

“Are you a duck? Cuz you quack me up.”

“Are you a beaver? Cuz dam.”

“Are you a wolf? Cuz … cuz… (insert wolf noises).”

“I want to bang you just like how the RWEC’s automatic doors bang me.”

“Are you the main doors to the RWEC? Because you’re refusing to let me in.”

 

Compiled by the Western Howl staff

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Oddly satisfying: the way Gru from “Despicable Me” says “Gorls.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Four more weeks… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] I may have been born in the ‘90s, but my soul is from the Middle Ages (: <3 <3 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] When you just ate a carrot and you haven’t lost any weight yet, there is something wrong with the system! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Is it okay if I use this as this week’s horoscope? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Oooh, the judge is gonna give you a life-sentence because you have been absolutely KILLING IT this week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars think it was totally reasonable of you to be late to class because you stopped to pet the cat. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] You’re wrong about the moon. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Life is too short to spend it doubting yourself, Sagittarius. Remember that when you start to question why you’re rewatching “The Office” for the third time this year. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] The stars see three full-size pizzas that will be consumed solely by you in your future. And by your future, we mean within the next week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Fruit Loops are in your future, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Best believe that the last time you saw your crush, you had some big old crusty nose gold visible — and boy did they notice! With that in mind, HAVE A GREAT WEEK! [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The star dog Cooper graces you with his presence and wishes you the best. He knows you need it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Sorry Taurus, the stars are busy right now, please leave a message after the beep. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Time to plant your garden, Gemini. Get it done now, and your odds of harvesting one salad’s worth of vegetables by the end of the season will be likely-ish. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Listen, I don’t even know what I am having for dinner. How am I going to help you with your crappy life. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The mitochondria is the alpha of the horde. Don’t touch it because it will bite you. Ow. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] ~live, laugh, love~ “Ugh yas, that honestly represents me so well like tbh you just wouldn’t get it.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars would like to thank caffeine for sponsoring this week’s horoscopes. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] P E T T H E D O G [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Girls are great. Treasure the ladies in your life, Sagittarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] In six months it’ll be October. Happy half birthday-month, Pumpkin King. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] YEEAASS END OF THE TERM!!! Wait what? We’ve still got three weeks to go? Oof. Hold in there, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] I know, I know… I am sorry we just have to end things…. It’s been four years, Western. It’s hard for me to … but I just need to leave. You’ll find someone else, don’t worry. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s probably hitting you now, in week 6, that you’re in COLLEGE college. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Don’t question yourself so much, Taurus. You’ve made it this far, so you must be doing at least a few things right. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] According to the Facebook quiz we just took, your spirit animal is Danny Devito. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Remember that thing that whoever was suppose to remind you about but never did, this is your reminder, you’re welcome. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The taste of a bitter pineapple is succulent. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Thanks for checking in every week, Virgo. It’s always good seeing you. To be clear, though, we always see you. Like the stars are literally always watching. But it’s good to see you under your own free will. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Sorry, Libra, the stars are busy with homework this week and don’t have time to give you life advice. Hint hint. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Genuine slab, partner. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Everything the stars are thinking to say right now sounds really cynical, so we’ll just say that we hope you have a nice week. We’re sending our love. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] No amount of facemasks are going to fix those dark circles around your eyes. There’s only one cure for those bad boys, and it rhymes with “fleep.” And it’s defined as, “something you will not be getting for at least five more weeks.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Ya know, the stars have a really wise piece of advice, but will you even listen Aquarius? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Have you ever sniffed your socks and said, “whoa that’s spicy!”? Blame your Pisces-ness. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

Missed connections on campus

Jackson “The Ballroom Blitz” Moreau

I just wanted to tell you your cut-off leather vest was impeccable. The way it flew through the air when you dropped the hammer on the wrestler named Steve made my day so much better. Bless your heart but mostly bless your vest.

Love, the Boy You Almost Kicked.

 

Golden hair goddess

I saw you on my way to class one morning. Your hair bouncing with every step you took. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. Our eyes met and you smiled back at me. I was willing to be late to class just to caress my hands all over your body, even just for a minute. Right as I was about to make my move the jerk that was walking you pulled you around the corner. I could still see your tail wagging as you ducked behind the building. I would give anything to see that tail wag away one more time. Kisses from the girl who wishes you were her’s.

 

Good boy in the Ford truck

You drove past me in your truck while I was trying to avoid all those sororities tabling in front of the WUC. We locked eyes. I gasped. Your tongue hung out of the side of your mouth. I screamed. The best boy.
Best wishes, the girl screaming on the sidewalk

 

On the job

I walked into the library and there you were. You looked excited to see me. I was frozen and my hands were pinned by my sides — I didn’t want to make the first move. You looked so good in your vest. I know I couldn’t bother you on the job, but those floppy ears were nearly irresistible. You booped the back of my hand with your wet nose as you passed by. Please meet me again when you’re off duty.

Xoxo, CW

 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s week 5. This ain’t it, chief. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″]Taurus, can we take a moment to appreciate how absolute fire the “Shrek” soundtrack is? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] How can I focus on this math lesson when all I can think about is that Thomas the Tank Engine trick shot/stunt video? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] It’s the week to be passionate about whatever it is that does it for you — school, work or watching the same show again on Netflix and dramatically acting out reactions to plot twists you knew were coming. Bravo. Bravo. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Bacon. Bæ-Ken. Adverb. The art of giving your beloved lightbulb to your third cousin once removed. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Literally, forget what anyone says. The sun is shining, you’re probably Vitamin D deficient, so who cares if it’s still 60 degrees? PUT ON A TANK-TOP AND SHORT-SHORTS AND BE YOUR BEST SELF. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] “Friends” was right — it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Whew. This week has been a roller coaster. I’m genuinely not sure whether to laugh or cry rn. That’s all. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] You know when your brain feels like AHHHHLAKJSASDF$$DA!! and then you forget how to read and your verbal skills plummet to the level of a 2nd grader? No? Just me? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] I gotta pay my phone bill and also get some more milk. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Today the color of your aura is saying ‘damn bro that fart was nasty. Can you eat less Taco Bell please?’ [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Just when Aries season was starting to get good, Taurus had to come along and end it. Thanks a lot, Taurus. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Cereal is just breakfast soup. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Hello, Gemini. Friendly reminder with this sunshine to please keep knees covered at all times. Thighs are fine. Shins are fine, also. But cover the knees!!!! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Want to hear a sad story? My parents asked me what I am doing after I graduate. Yep, you know. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Stop caressing your succulents. They need sunlight and water. Not your filthy, sweaty hands. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Your tip for the week: try doing homework. Give it a go. You never know — it might just help your grade, or something. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Y’all hear somethin’? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] HERE COMES THE SUN, DOO DOO DOO DOO [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] What if your sign was capriKorn? Rock on. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Pisces knows what’s up. Can’t a b’ just get lost in the sauce? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Did you know that the leading killer in the pasta kingdom is too little sauce. So y’all get lost in the sauce, not for you — but for your carbohydrates. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]