Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: No theme!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

You have entered the rat zone. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Be gay, do crimes 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

okay google, why does burnt popcorn taste like how cat piss smells?

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Js, i’d sell your soul to satan for a corn chip

Leo 7/23-8/22

EArly summmmmer breakkk plz

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I think, ergo I am.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Hey siri, locate my fwb?

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Say hi to the gods

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Hello my little pogchamp UwU

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

If you see a sagittarius today, attack them say hello 🙂

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

zzzzz

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

All I want today is a good gummy shark. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: One word stories!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Nicolas

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Cage

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Has

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The

Leo 7/23-8/22

Football

Virgo 8/23-9/22

And

Libra 9/23-10/22

He’s

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Going

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

To

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

H–l.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Touchdown!

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

GOAL!!!

Booze & Reviews: “Shaun of the Dead”

A scary but heartwarmingly funny movie in the perspective of two and a half reviewers

Allison Vanderzanden | Lifestyle Editor
Sydney Carpenter | News Editor
Rylie Horrall | Managing Editor

TW: Alcohol consumption

While it’s not the type of horror movie that’s actually scary, “Shaun of the Dead” was able to give us some good laughs for a drunk movie review. Be cautious of spoilers, and please drink responsibly.

Allison Vanderzanden | Lifestyle Editor

I’m just going to start b ysaying that I had no idea what even genre we were watching going in it was so much dry humor that i was confused because i thought we were watching a horror movie??? Sure enough it’a spooky half way through, people are dying, people are moaning and groaning and also dying, and more people are dying cuz they’re killing ebveryone. Horror movie indeed. 

ANyway it actually got emotional and i looked it up and it has a 92% on rotten tomatoes??? Again, not what I expected but i must agree that the mix of horror and comedy was actually impressive ive never experienced such a movie btu it was cool. I dont think horror movies that have zombies are ever that great but like i said, it was cool. GG shaun and the dead. And liz. And the other lady who saved them. OH AND ED WHO”S STILL IN THE SHED. gg to him too. Hahhaha. Ed in the shed. New title for the movie. JK SPOILERS

Sydney Carpenter | News Editor

Welcome to part two of sydney gets drunk what a wild ride folks all i have to say is i fell a sleep during the move and have absolutely not recollection of what actually happened that right ladies gentlemen i fell asleep and i have no regrets anway from what i remmevver that actually had toilet paper evern though dead peope were weeveyr where like wtf like we ran out of toliet paper 3 dayin into a pandemic and then on top of it they didn’t even run out of power anyway im exhausted and i’ve learned my limit is two because holy moly     we are not having it plz and thank you rip my tinder messages peace out girl scouts

Rylie Horrall | Managing Editor

Okay FIRST my man ed was so great, he shaped up his act and was so chillbeat th e end they played games together still!1 he was shooting zombies as a ZOMEBI thats whats the jiikd wird uhhh intraceptive? Idk but lso RIP MOOOOOMM :(((( i knew she was bitten but like SAADADA. Oh and f–k the one guy david? The four eys t–t, david i think he died and that wasnt sad, he was a d—-e so kike theswe things happen to d——-s

I actually didnt liek hate th e moveiw but i don’t think it woudlbt have the same eefect if sober, it was p bad but bad in a good terrible way, theers another i thinking which THAT wukd be fun, like did liz stay with shaun even thoug his bf is deade in the garage? Probably, shes a nice lady i liek her ans she was GOREGOEU FR NO CAP

In conclusion, rip my man ed, well be  asd ab trmom as always, and f–k david d—–g

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: What are the signs favorite thing(s) about the Earth?

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Coca-Cola

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Whatever will get me the drunk the fastest.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Dog water

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Mimosa, hold the champagne

Leo 7/23-8/22

We will be SOBER hit em with a limeade

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Is straight Fireball a cocktail?

Libra 9/23-10/22

Vodka in a plastic water bottle

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

rooster

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

AMF AMF AMF AMF AMF AMF CHECK OUT OUR YOUTUBE VIDEO

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Anything that i can add maraschino cherries to

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Juice … just juice

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Love me a sex on the beach 😉

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: What are the signs favorite thing(s) about the Earth?

Aries 3/21-4/19  

My bed. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Bees ?

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Mangoes, papayas, avocados, ya know. The good stuff.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The ocean, so help take care of it pls

Leo 7/23-8/22

Aliens visit sometimes and that’s pretty chill

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Chocolate has gotten me through a lot

Libra 9/23-10/22

I like turtles!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Poisonous plants are SUPER sick

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

100T co-owner Valkyrae. May her presence bless the soul of the Earth.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Plants, to put it bluntly

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Plants that eat bugs … so metal

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

That every plant has its purpose, even the weeds.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: What are the signs allergic to?

Aries 3/21-4/19  

deez nuts

Taurus 4/20-5/20

b.s. i don’t need to spell it out for ya

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Bees love Geminis y’know, hope you’re prepared

Cancer 6/21-7/22

citrus

…there’s no joke, i just live a sad life without good fruit

Leo 7/23-8/22

Coffee that isn’t iced

Virgo 8/23-9/22

North Dakota

Libra 9/23-10/22

I’m allergic to huge family gatherings

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Everyone is allergic to scorpion venom. You are no exception

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Ur mom.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Buddha flavoured holy water, for some reason it doesn’t agree with me

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

myself

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

With how stuffed my nose is… air

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: The signs debate which season is the best

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Of course it’s fall.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Summer because seasonal depression is real.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Not Spring, since nature decides I can’t breathe during this time.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Summer babyyyyy (and not just because that’s when my b-day is)

Leo 7/23-8/22

Fall in Salem, Massachusetts is a vibe

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Spring so that I can take aesthetic cherry blossom pics

Libra 9/23-10/22

Fall, because the crunchy leaves bring some sense of happiness

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Idc as long as the temp is below 69°

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Winter duh.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Winter, that’s when I’m at the top of my game

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Winter, because my crying is up 2.5% due to seasonal depression.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Spring, because I can blame my tears on pollen allergies.

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