Humor – Page 21 – The Western Howl

By: Paige Scofield
News Editor

Note: this article was edited for readability.

So this is going to be less of a review and more of an I watch-I think-I type kind of situation. This is indeed a drunk review of the classic: “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”. Honestly I don’t know what to expect so strap in because I bet my bottom-dollar that half of this isn’t even going to be about Charlie.

I’m currently finishing a 16 ounce Rolling Rock beer. Before said beer I drank almost a screen-shot-2016-10-25-at-6-17-57-pm whole bottle of champagne so I can’t feel my lips and my legs feel like noodles. I didn’t think that almost a whole bottle of champagne would do this but holy cow I’m gone. I’m trying so hard to type good. But typing is definitely a sober activity (sport?). I have so many bubbles in my stomach.

Okay I’m going to down this beer and start the show! I really just want to sleep but I gotta work dude. Okay let’s watch this thing. Okay starting with the classic music-Linus just ate an apple off the ground what the f***. That’s dirty. Now Lucy and Linus are picking a pumpkin to carve.

Lucy is rude to Linus. Lucy just cut a pumpkin to carve it and Linus thought she killed a vegetable. Go Charles Shultz. Snoopy is playing with a leaf. I love Snoopy. But his cousin Spike is super cool. My mom really likes Spike; Spike isn’t in this but whatever. Charlie is about to get duped with a football. Why does he always trust Lucy to hold a football? And he kicked and fell once again. Lucy, just be nice?

Linus is writing to the Great Pumpkin. Snoopy looks on and laughs. Lucy is being a douche as usual-telling Linus his Great Pumpkin is fake. Linus realizes to never talk about politics, religion and the Great Pumpkin to other people. Sally loves Linus even though he still carries a blanket around. How old are these kids? Also, why does he think the Great Pumpkin is a halloween santa? That’s weird. Sally and Linus have a “date” to wait for the Great Pumpkin but Charlie is like no. CHARLIE GOT INVITED TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY AND DANCES. OOPS, CAPS IS ON. Lucy is still being RUDE. Now they make costumes. Charlie is bad at it. Everyone keeps hating on Linus but Sally approves of him. Also, no one says “tricks or treats” LUCY. It’s “TRICK OR TREAT”.

I feel like I’m writing a play-by-play so I’m going to wait a bit to write more. It’s only eight minutes in. Excuse me, nine minutes. Someone finally said good grief. Pig pen is dirty. Snoopy is a bomb pilot. He is so confident. I wish I could be as confident as Snoopy.

Sally loves Linus a lot. Linus is being sexist thinking little girls believe everything they’re told. what the f— Linus that’s not cool.

I don’t think I have neck bones anymore. Charlie got a rock instead of candy? Snoopy! I finally understand why he called himself Snoop Dog-because Snoopy is so cool. Holy cow I’ve written a lot. Man, if only writing was this easy sober. Where’s Woodstock? Here comes piano man. I don’t remember his name but he’s cool. Snoopy cries weird. Linus thinks Snoopy is the Great Pumpkin. He’s not. Someone finally said blockhead. Linus was out until four in the morning? Where are his parents?

The Great Pumpkin is fake.

12/10 recommend this for everyone to watch. If you want.

Please don’t contact the author.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

 Compiled By:Stephanie Blair, Ashton Newton and Zoe Strickland

Aries 3/21-4/19
Keep that pepper spray close, Aries. If you go back through your Snapchat story, you’ll notice that a clown has been following you around campus.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Don’t get coffee this week, Taurus. I know you love it, but it doesn’t love you. It’s time to let your addiction go.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Your lost twin is out there somewhere, Gemini. Just keep on singing your half of the Disney-esque duet.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week, 50 Spongebob meme blogs will follow you on Tumblr. Are ya’ feelin’ it now, Mr. Crabs?

Leo 7/23-8/22
Be suspicious of everyone, Leo. There’s a 75 percent chance that the Libras in your life are lying to you.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Have seen “Hocus Pocus”? Don’t light that black flame candle, you virgi- I mean, Virgo.

Libra 9/23-10/22
I know you love Halloween, Libra. Chin up, there’s only 12 days until the best holiday of the year.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You might as well throw out your birthday list, Scorpio. No one is going to buy you anything off of it anyway.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
It’s your world, Sagittarius. Let the “Happy Little Cloud” remix guide your week.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
On Friday, your eyeliner will look great. But as soon as you leave your house, it will smudge and you won’t know for the entire day. Racoon eyes for life.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I’ll keep your secret, Aquarius. Nobody has to know that your favorite band is Phish.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Sorry to break it to you, Pisces, but this is definitely all a dream. It’s not a good one.

The Western Howl

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No one lets the dogs out

puppy-bowl-coloranimalplanet-com

By: Ashton Newton
Entertainment Editor

Homecoming week is here, and while I’m looking forward to all the fun activities planned, I can’t help but be a little upset over the lack of equal species representation in homecoming sports.

There’s powder-puff football and powder-tuff volleyball, but where is the inclusion of our dogs with powder-ruff soccer? Sure, they might just run around and not play, but that’s still adorable.

Even more so, there isn’t even a powder-fluff laser tag for our cats. It’s common knowledge that cats love lasers, so nothing would make them happier than an event full of them. Think about the cats.

Animals of Western brighten our days and make us feel happy, so why do we exclude them from sports that would be both fun for them and adorable for us? It’s unfair for everybody involved. I’ll be the first to tell you that my sweater-wearing cats are very upset about not being involved in this year’s events.

This is just one example of a much larger problem in today’s society; our animals want to be involved. Clothes and costumes for animals are a step in the right direction, but bringing them into our most exciting events should be the standard. Just take the annual Puppy Bowl each year on Superbowl Sunday. That is so far the biggest step forward to animal representation, and Western should try to follow its example.

I know that my cats and dogs and I aren’t the only ones upset about this. Western students with animals must feel the same way. We have the power to change things, along with our animals we need to stand up for equal species representation in homecoming sports, because not only are animals a part of Western, they’re a part of us.

Contact the author at journalentertainment@wou.edu

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

By: Stephanie Blair, Ashton Newton and Zoe Strickland

Aries 3/21-4/19
Keep that pepper spray close, Aries. If you go back through your Snapchat story, you’ll notice that a clown has been following you around campus.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Don’t get coffee this week, Taurus. I know you love it, but it doesn’t love you. It’s time to let your addiction go.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Your lost twin is out there somewhere, Gemini. Just keep on singing your half of the Disney duet.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week, 50 Spongebob meme blogs will follow you on Tumblr. Are ya’ feelin’ it now, Mr. Crabs?

Leo 7/23-8/22
Be suspicious of everyone, Leo. There’s a 75 percent chance that the Libras in your life are lying to you.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Have seen “Hocus Pocus”? Don’t light that black flame candle, you virgi- I mean, Virgo.

Libra 9/23-10/22
I know you love Halloween, Libra. Chin up, there’s only 19 days until the best holiday of the year.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You might as well throw out your birthday list, Scorpio. No one is going to buy you anything off of it anyway.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
It’s your world, Sagittarius. Let the “Happy Little Cloud” remix guide your week.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
On Friday, your eyeliner will look great. But as soon as you leave your house, it will smudge and you won’t know for the entire day. Racoon eyes for life.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I’ll keep your secret, Aquarius. Nobody has to know that your favorite band is Phish.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Sorry to break it to you, Pisces, but this is definitely all a dream. It’s not a good one.

The Western Howl

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I just don’t get Elon Musk’s sexual fascination with space exploration

By: Darien Campo
Concerned Citizen

Just last week SpaceX founder Elon Musk announced his plans to begin work on sending humans to the planet Mars by the year 2022-just six years from now. People around the globe are reacting to the news with excitement, rallying together with a great outpouring of support for the California-based aerospace company. But the whole idea is incredibly baffling to me, because I just don’t get Elon Musk’s sexual fascination with space exploration.

I guess maybe you can call me old fashioned, but I like the way things are right here on Earth. I’m a regular guy: I enjoy coffee, beaches and an atmospheric pressure high enough to support liquid water. So when a guy tells me he wants to spend millions of dollars launching himself on a fancy rocket to some barren rock in the sky, I have to wonder-what kind of elaborate fetish is this guy playing out?

Look, I get it. Space is a “cool” thing now. I’m just as curious about, like, space rocks and stuff as the next guy; but for the life of me I just cannot seem to fathom Elon Musk’s unstoppable need to penetrate the darkness of the infinite void.

What kind of far-out sexual gratification drives a man to shoot rocket after rocket into the sky, watching each one explode, one after another, only to say “Yeah, I’m gonna ride one of those things.”

All of our greatest telescopes have already gone a’knockin’, and scientists can confirm: Mars is empty-no one’s home! So what could he possibly think he’s going to find up there? Does the possibility of extraterrestrial microbial life bring a stirring to his loins?

Maybe the media is to blame. Has the science fiction genre sexualized outer space enough to drive a man to this point? All I know is that Mr. Musk is just one, of a whole generation of young men, who grew up reading things like Edgar Rice Burroughs’ “Princess of Mars” books-a series which blatantly fetishized Martian women as extraterrestrial sex objects. It is books and movies like this that give young men the wrong ideas, and next thing you know the government is allocating funds for perverts like NASA.

All I’m asking for is a little practical decency. Back in my day, we took our disgusting, overcomplicated fetishes and shoved them deep down into the back of our minds where, sometimes at night, I can still feel the desire burning away like a match lit eternal-the way it’s supposed to be.

I don’t know what sort of sick fantasies Musk is hoping to play out in the ancient dust of the vast Martian desert, but I want to know why he can’t just keep it to himself.

Just think about it: if Elon Musk would just stop and take a cold shower, we could instead divert all of that taxpayer money to a more dignified endeavour-perhaps a detailed exhibit at the Smithsonian on women’s feet.

Contact the author at dcampo13@wou.edu

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes
Compiled by Zoe Strickland

Aries 3/21-4/19
This week is looking grim, Aries. For some unknown reason, all of your meal plan points are about to disappear. The stars are showing me piles and piles of ramen in your future.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I have a haunting suspicion that you’ll be getting mail from financial aid this week.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
This is a great week to watch musicals. Let the songs of “Hamilton” narrate your life, Gemini.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week something will happen in your life, Cancer. Sadly, I can’t tell you what. I’ve promised the stars.

Leo 7/23-8/22
It’s only the second week of school, but I can feel that you’re stressed. To curb your anxiety, get a group of friends together and watch “Titanic”.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Do yourself a favor, Virgo. Go to Google and search for images of a ‘blobfish’. You’ll thank me.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Celebrate! If you have a birthday this week, you will soon be the proud owner of a Razor scooter.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
I’ve heard that Scorpio’s are obsessive, but I’m here to tell you that the world is wrong. Checking your phone every 10 seconds to see if someone has texted you is definitely not obsessive. You’re just passionate.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
In 30 years, you will be the heartthrob of the PTA.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
The stars don’t have to tell me that you’re dreading Christmas, Capricorn. This week I’m encouraging you to embrace the peppermint.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Just remember Aquarius, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
This is your week, Pisces. You will finally be able to fit your hand into that Pringles can.

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

Campus clown survival tips

By: Ashton Newton
Entertainment Editor

Campus clowns are nothing to be afraid of. Here are some tips to help you get through the epidemic:

1. Clowns are more afraid of you than you are of them.
2. There’s a small chance that the clowns are friendly and just want to entertain you.
3. Clowns usually have big shoes, so you can run faster than them.
4. Clowns can smell fear so just try to smile and sing, “Let it Go” if you see one.
5. If you see a clown exit a vehicle, just remember that there could be an infinite amount of clowns remaining in the vehicle and plan your route accordingly.
6. A clown’s true weakness is sadness, playing “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan while showing pictures of sad puppies should scare the clown off.
7. If it comes down to self-defense, a pie in the face will do more damage than any weapon could do.
8. Clowns only follow people because they want to cheer them up, so when running from a clown, laugh maniacally.
9. If there are clown sightings in your area, avoid walking through forests alone at night.
10. Hostility toward clowns creates hostile clowns. Follow the tips above so hopefully one day we can have peace between the clowns and us.

Western Oregon University’s Land Acknowledgement
Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

Accessibility Public Records Privacy Student Consumer Information

WOU prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, sex, national or ethnic origin, age, religion, marital status, disability, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression in all programs, activities and employment practices as required by Title IX, other applicable laws, and policies. Retaliation is prohibited by WOU.

It’s the great drunk review, Charlie Brown

This week in completely made up horoscopes

No one lets the dogs out

This week in completely made up horoscopes

I just don’t get Elon Musk’s sexual fascination with space exploration

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Campus clown survival tips

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