By: Ashton Newton
Hopeless Non-Romantic

50.2 percent of Americans are single, yet around the time of Valentine’s Day, stores fill up with heart shaped chocolates, roses and those atrocious teddy bears.

As part of the 50.2 percent, I vowed this year to make good use of all of these Valentine’s Day products, while also fully embracing my loneliness.

I made it my mission this February to buy as much Valentine’s Day decorations and candy as I could, but without letting the love aspect play a role.

First, I bought an adorable stuffed dog holding a heart. The cashier smiled at me, but she had no idea of my true intentions. With a knife, I removed the heart and now I have a perfectly normal stuffed dog. Take that Valentine’s Day.

Next, I stocked up on heart-shaped milk chocolates. I turned the heart shaped container into an awesome frisbee, then melted the chocolate down and poured it over a bowl of vanilla ice cream which I ate while binge watching “Planet Earth.” Again, take that.

Ever notice how sharing champagne or sparkling cider never seems right? This Valentine’s Day I bought bottles just for myself to fill a mug with and I couldn’t be happier.

I spent three hours last night filling out Valentine cards. They were all from me, addressed to flattering adjectives that describe me. I’m going to be so happy when I see them on the 14th.

Candles always go on sale around Valentine’s Day. It’s the perfect time to place them around the bath tub and watch Hulu for an unreasonable amount of time.

The day after Valentine’s Day, all the heart shaped chocolate that wasn’t sold is extremely cheap. This Valentine’s Day I plan to make a game plan of all the stores I’ll hit up in order to reap the benefits of unsold chocolate.

However lonely life gets, I just remind myself how awesome frisbees are, how great chocolate is and how being alone isn’t so bad if I love myself.

Don’t contact the author, he’s satisfied being alone.