Humor – Page 14 – The Western Howl

Jackson “The Ballroom Blitz” Moreau

I just wanted to tell you your cut-off leather vest was impeccable. The way it flew through the air when you dropped the hammer on the wrestler named Steve made my day so much better. Bless your heart but mostly bless your vest.

Love, the Boy You Almost Kicked.

Golden hair goddess

I saw you on my way to class one morning. Your hair bouncing with every step you took. I couldn’t keep my eyes off you. Our eyes met and you smiled back at me. I was willing to be late to class just to caress my hands all over your body, even just for a minute. Right as I was about to make my move the jerk that was walking you pulled you around the corner. I could still see your tail wagging as you ducked behind the building. I would give anything to see that tail wag away one more time. Kisses from the girl who wishes you were her’s.

Good boy in the Ford truck

You drove past me in your truck while I was trying to avoid all those sororities tabling in front of the WUC. We locked eyes. I gasped. Your tongue hung out of the side of your mouth. I screamed. The best boy.
Best wishes, the girl screaming on the sidewalk

On the job

I walked into the library and there you were. You looked excited to see me. I was frozen and my hands were pinned by my sides — I didn’t want to make the first move. You looked so good in your vest. I know I couldn’t bother you on the job, but those floppy ears were nearly irresistible. You booped the back of my hand with your wet nose as you passed by. Please meet me again when you’re off duty.

Xoxo, CW

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s week 5. This ain’t it, chief. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″]Taurus, can we take a moment to appreciate how absolute fire the “Shrek” soundtrack is? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] How can I focus on this math lesson when all I can think about is that Thomas the Tank Engine trick shot/stunt video? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] It’s the week to be passionate about whatever it is that does it for you — school, work or watching the same show again on Netflix and dramatically acting out reactions to plot twists you knew were coming. Bravo. Bravo. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Bacon. Bæ-Ken. Adverb. The art of giving your beloved lightbulb to your third cousin once removed. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Literally, forget what anyone says. The sun is shining, you’re probably Vitamin D deficient, so who cares if it’s still 60 degrees? PUT ON A TANK-TOP AND SHORT-SHORTS AND BE YOUR BEST SELF. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] “Friends” was right — it hasn’t been my day, my week, my month or even my year. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Whew. This week has been a roller coaster. I’m genuinely not sure whether to laugh or cry rn. That’s all. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] You know when your brain feels like AHHHHLAKJSASDF$$DA!! and then you forget how to read and your verbal skills plummet to the level of a 2nd grader? No? Just me? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] I gotta pay my phone bill and also get some more milk. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Today the color of your aura is saying ‘damn bro that fart was nasty. Can you eat less Taco Bell please?’ [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Just when Aries season was starting to get good, Taurus had to come along and end it. Thanks a lot, Taurus. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Cereal is just breakfast soup. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Hello, Gemini. Friendly reminder with this sunshine to please keep knees covered at all times. Thighs are fine. Shins are fine, also. But cover the knees!!!! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Want to hear a sad story? My parents asked me what I am doing after I graduate. Yep, you know. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Stop caressing your succulents. They need sunlight and water. Not your filthy, sweaty hands. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Your tip for the week: try doing homework. Give it a go. You never know — it might just help your grade, or something. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Y’all hear somethin’? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] HERE COMES THE SUN, DOO DOO DOO DOO [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] What if your sign was capriKorn? Rock on. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Pisces knows what’s up. Can’t a b’ just get lost in the sauce? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Did you know that the leading killer in the pasta kingdom is too little sauce. So y’all get lost in the sauce, not for you — but for your carbohydrates. [/fruitful_tab]

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The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It is your birthright to celebrate your birthday every day of Aries season. If you’re not, then you’re doing something wrong. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] The stars have heard whispers of a Star Wars club forming… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Ok so can we bring back light-up shoes [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Okay, that’s enough Oregon — can we get some sun now? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] MAKE SURE TO BREAK DOWN YOUR NACHO THOROUGHLY. It hurts when you swallow a big piece D; [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Let me blow your mind real quick: It’s only Week 3. *Mind = blown* [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Sure, Libra, keep complaining about the rain. We know in a few weeks you’ll be complaining about the heat. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] T A K E T H E L E A P. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Sooo, pizza for lunch again? Okay, cool. Good call. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Due to unforeseen circumstances, Capricorn will not be attending class today. (Unforeseen circumstance: stayed up until 5 a.m. watching Netflix.) [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Do you even have time to be reading this Aquarius? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Goes to college. Graduates from college. Still isn’t qualified for any job. [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s time to flip a table Aries. The second week is coming to an end, but you have 10 assignments, two readings and a quiz due by Monday… which we both know you won’t start until Sunday night. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] What an emotional month we’re getting into. The final season of Game of Thrones and Endgame?? Prepare yourself, Taurus. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] all work and no play makes gemini a dull sign all work and no play makes gemini a dull sign all work and no play makes gemini a dull sign all work and no play makes gemini a dull sign [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] It’s raining, it’s pouring, you’re skipping your class in the morning. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Those mini trees you see outside? Yeah, those are bushes. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Whoever said that rolling backpacks aren’t cool was a liar and a hater of convenient storage. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] When your sleeping patterns are as erratic as the weather, it’s probably time to reconsider some things. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] If you haven’t been abducted by aliens yet, you’re not trying hard enough. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] SAGITTARIUS. CHILL. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] We love that the trees are blossoming and you still have fall decor out. Stay spooky, Capricorn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Don’t worry about over-exerting your schedule there, Aquarius. You totally have time for those five clubs and 18 credits worth of class, not to mention your job to boot. Go ape. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Only veins have platelets, so don’t bleed out of an artery or you could die. K? K! [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The Stars are still in a “suns out guns out” kind of mood right now. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Hey Taurus, I hope you’re ready to SPRING into a new term. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Glad to see you spent the entire Spring Break sleeping. You do you, I guess? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Suns out, procrastination out. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] I know it’s spring, but I’m still hoping for another snow day. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Aight, let’s do this, Virgo. Ten more weeks ‘til freedom. Unless you’re taking summer classes. In that case, RIP. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] As the superior zodiac sign, we will avoid using “spring” puns in our horoscope unlike SOME signs. Now, are we ready to make Spring Term a breeze? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Have you ever met someone who is the human version of getting rick rolled? Or are YOU that person? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Over break, Eugene from the Try Guys named you the second best sign. He knows what’s up. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Go ahead and order a large coffee with three extra shots of espresso on us, Capricorn. You’re gonna need it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] It’s spring Aquarius, and you know what that means *ungodly gross sniffling sound* allergies. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] If they say bless your heart they think you’re stupid… *cries over cheeseburger* [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

The Western Howl

Home » Humor

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Aries, you’re on your own now. The stars need a break from being so awesome. Check back in after Spring Break and maybe we’ll have some advice for you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Two more weeks… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Alexa, take my finals for me. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″]

*Two snow days last week*

Professors: More time to study and do homework, gives online assignments and extra reading

Students: Plays in snow and watches Netflix, crams all the extra assignments the day before

[/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] YESSAH BLESSAH, NEVER STRESSAH. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Look, Virgo. All you have to do is make it through the next two weeks and then you get to do literally nothing but sleep for an entire week. We believe in you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] When people say “take a risk”, it doesn’t mean starting an essay at 10 p.m. the night before, Libra. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] In this world it’s yeet or be yeeten. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] THE JONAS BROTHERS ARE COMING BACK. THIS IS BIG NEWS. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] When in doubt, take a nap. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] So close Aquarius, so close. Keep your spirits up in this dark time. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″]

HEAVY BREATHING IN A GYM WHILE STARING INTO A MIRROR.

-Gym bro

[/fruitful_tab]

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Western Oregon University’s Land Acknowledgement
Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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