Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] 3 day weekends are great, until you spontaneously watch all of the Star Wars movies and now you’re behind 3 readings, 7 assignments, and 2 Papers… May the Force be with you, Aries. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Cats don’t jump, they small… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] The Stars have dIpPeD [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] We should start calling Oregon residents Organisms. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The Stars no advice for you, Leos. Figure it out, man. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] You’ve known that Persephone was the heroine since before it was cool. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Turn up [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Remember when you were a kid and all you wanted to do was grow up, and now the thought of being a proper adult is absolutely nauseating. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] …aaaaaaaaaa yeet [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Make sure you get that extra shot of espresso in your coffee, you’re going to need it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] It’s the star’s birthday today… You forgot, didn’t you? Sigh. Well, it’s okay, I know you were too busy reading and working six weeks ahead to notice… Even more dramatic sigh. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Brb catch me trying to mentally get over the fact that it’s literally Week 3 already and I still feel like I’m on break?? [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Okay, so out of my 326 News Years Resolutions, only about 2 are do-able, but then like who cares about resolutions anyway ?? I do what I want !! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] You’re a bull, not an octopus, don’t try to do so many things at once… So what if you fail right… NOT [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Scorpios were put into this world to create obstacles for you. So if you get into a fight with a Scorpio, no one will blame you. 😉 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] My New Years resolution was to be a more responsible student. But so far I’ve dropped a class and skipped the other two. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Is your class workload overwhelming you? …lol rip go do your homework [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] “WE WERE ON A BREAAAKKKK,” you scream, but it’s week 2 of classes and have you ever really taken a break in your life? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] 2020 is turning out to be more like 2019 II [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Does it feel like 2020 is gonna be your year? That’s cute. No really — adorable. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] New year, same you. Who says you have to change? Keep being your beautiful self. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] No one : 

Me : Hey, did you know “?!” is called an interobang ?! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] It’s not too late to add a new class to your schedule! Or maybe it is? I’m not the expert. Don’t ask me. STOP talking ABOUT IT! [/fruitful_tab]

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From the humor section: Booze and reviews of “Mother!”

Compiled by The Western Howl 21+ staff

Halloween is just around the corner, and to get ourselves ready for all the horror, four 21+ staff members decided to sit down and write our absolute honest reviews of a psychological thriller we hadn’t seen before, “Mother!” (2017). And in order for it to be really honest, we had to be a little tipsy.

These reviews were only edited for clarity and appropriateness, so get ready to enjoy our super-tipsy and very sincere thoughts.This film deals with sensitive themes centered around religion, Christianity and the mistreatment of women. Remember that these reviews are the opinions of the reviewers and do not reflect the opinions of The Western Howl. 

Please remember to drink responsibly.

 

Caity:

Climat change is real, folks. And “Mother!” wants you to know it! So basically, this movie is about Jennifer Lawernece’s worst day ever. She has a house that she worked SO hard on, and her husband (who is trash) continually makes everything hard for her. He lets literally anyone into the home (as long as they worship him… hint hint) even if it makes life hard for her. 

So here’s the thing about this film; if you don’t know a lot about Christianity, you really won’t know much about the movie. I’m gonna be honest, I don’t know a ton, but like I kinda got my way through it enough to figure out what was happening. Like, there was a LOT of biblical references. But the whole time you pretty much just want to punch the husband in the face and want to give Jennifer Lawrence a hug. Poor Jenny. This shiz is rough for her.

Overall, I’d say what??? Was that??? And I don’t even think I would understand it IF I was sober. But I can fairly certainly say it was good. Also Kristen Wiig made an appearance and that made me :D!! 

So if you wanna watch it it’s on Hulu. It’ll make you feel bad about how you treat Mother Earth. Like, real bad.

 

Hannah:

Mother! A movie that makes my opinion a fact; religion has f—-d up this earth in a lot of ways and continues to. 

With Him being the “creator” using Mother (our Earth) until her death, just to start all over again in pure selfishness and greed. The creator (god, yes a lowercase g) just takes and takes to please his followers — the followers who only want their sins forgiven instead of facing reality b—-. The directors did an excellent way of portraying how messed up religion and it’s followers are to Mother Earth. Straws, created by religion to help destroy the poor turtles. Plastic bags, created by religion to clog the stomachs of animals. Apparently the Devil is bad and evil, but at least he created some sweet a– lettuce… Thanks for all the dank salad dude, you rock! 

 

Sage

I’m sad. Men should watch this movie. Women –watch at your own risk because it could trigger you a lot. I feel like being drunk isn’t a good thing for this movie – mostly because I feel like I can’t do the themes and social commentary justice. There are so many variables here regarding the symbolism. Basically, religion bad (sorry), women are always the ones who suffer (it’s true) and in the end, everybody is f—-d over because of it. AND IT NEVER F—–G CHANGES, Ya’ll don’t do S–T. Ya’ll, it aint that deep, but also it really is.

Anyways, this movie will give you a headache. You have to pay attention but the cinematography makes that difficult as the camera angles shift at every second. It will give you a headache. At first I was like, DANG THIS IS SOME GOOD WRITING. And at the end I was still DANG THIS IS SOME GOOD WRITING but with a side of, hmmm…I want to cut off the heads of the bougwazie (I KNOW THAT’S NOT HOW YOU SPELL IT) and you know that scene in Forrest Gump when Leuitenant Dan wants to fight god and hes screaming at the top of the mast…same? But less chaotic and more just…sad. Sadly fighting god. 

And that’s it, that’s the movie. Profiting off of women’s trauma. HMMMMMM. 

 

Rachel: 

(Managing Editor’s note: Rachel gave more of a play-by-play, so read simply for your enjoyment… and your confusion.)

kats seeing an older creepy man. Some tea? b—- he dont want no drink stop. shes making it anyways. 

Pregnant or pregnot? He didnt want nno tea but they gave it to him anywats, and he didnt watnt to stay the night but htey made him like d–n stop being so controlling. girls got hella linens. why all these old men with young girls? get yo wrinkles outta here. hes working on a new piece.she is unhappy in her marriage b—h leave him youre so young and pretty he is bad for you  get out of othat relationshio you can do so much better.

“Thought you might like some lemonade” *slams lemonade onto table and asks for pain pills* ?? what a b—-h. let this girl work on her wall damn. They goin on a “hike” 😉 ohh hes ‘a nature boy” 😉 oh no toilet broke . ewwwww its like a s–t squid. OMG IS IT THE BABY

?????????????????????????????????????????????????he is supposed to be god.  is she mother earth?? she givin birth now.  oh no. baby is gonre. She crying 🙁 they killed him. theyre eating the baby. good b—h you kill them go go go. WAit hes taking her to the beginning?? is this abotu god failing? Oh shes not her anymore. AHES THE CRYSTAL W T F  O MG . YOU GOTTA KNOW RELIGION FOR THIS MOVIE D–N.Read thr bible before you watch this

good night love tou ALL.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] LET ME BE FREE [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] You may feel like a zombie, everything hanging on by tendrils… but don’t worry — you’re so so so so sooooooooo close. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Maybe let your twin take over for finals? The stars wish you good luck. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Can I go home yet? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] This is your call to action. What for? Who knows… but do something I guess… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] pippity poppity give me the zoppity [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Some advice while the end of the term nears: try eating honey every other day. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] IT’S SAGITTARIUS SEASON. K bye. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Are you regretting putting off all of those assignments until now? Four days before they’re due? Same. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Hold onto your last brain cell, Aquarius. You only need it for one more week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] It’s cold af outside but not snowing. How am I supposed to get away with skipping class everyday this week without snow? [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The stars know you’re excited to deck the halls and listen to those sweet, sweet pipes of Michael Bublé, Aries, but don’t forget there’s a whole holiday associated to your favorite pastime ⏤ eating! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Life right now is going at ludicrous speed and you feel like you’re constantly catching up. Don’t be afraid to turn to Yogurt for guidance and spiritual wisdom, he may even lend you his ring to finish off these last few weeks. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] You’re tired? Take a nap, the stars have your best interest at heart. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Can you guys turn your music down, and turnip that beet? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] It’s definitely that time of the year to play holiday music really loud, and most likely lose half of your friend group to that decision. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] You mess with the bull, you get the horns. You mess with a Virgo, you get… them crying profusely. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Get dat bread. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Should you have listened? Maybe. Did you? No. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] My name is Kyle. Nice to meet you, Tiffany. I have a reminder for you: don’t forget to drink guacamole on Sunday, Nov. 12, 2019. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Christmas is right around the corner, don’t be such a salty Bublé. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Aquarius, eat much gud. Always. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] This week in history, the Xbox was released in 2001. Ah, good times. If I listen closely I can still hear the faint sounds of “GTA: Vice City”… “video killed the raaadio star…” [/fruitful_tab]

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Campus Conspiracy Theories

The Portal

OK, hear me out. WHAT IF the art students are all in a cult? WHAT IF all the art on campus is strategically placed as part of a ritual to summon Cthulhu? WHAT IF those ridiculously flamboyant electric purple flowers outside of the Triple D–k (Ed) building are actually the beginning of the portal opening? WHAT IF… it’s already too late? 

 

Robots Among Us

They’re all over campus, impossible to miss. They seem harmless enough, innocent, perhaps even cute enough to feed. Don’t be mistaken, those fluffy little squirrels on campus are most likely animatronics planted by the university. I’m not saying that it’s 100% a fact, but think about it: it kind of makes sense.

 

The Wolf in the Walls

On Columbus Day of 1962, a major storm hit campus and knocked down the bell tower that was once on Campbell Hall, Western’s oldest building. It was too expensive to repair, so where there used to be doors, there is a now a bricked-in outline of the door frames. So my theory — the spirits of all the Wolfies (previously known as Waldo’s) of Western’s past live in those rebuilt walls … watching. Waiting. For what? Who knows. 

 

It’s Below the Leaves

During the seasonal change from fall to winter, a mysterious occurrence takes over the Western campus. The leaves fall rapidly, covering the ground below us making sure to cover up the mystery — our gardening staff work hard to try and uncover this everyday, but are never on time and it has moved. This mystery has been known to grab ankles, cause students and staff to trip, given cars flat tires and even snagged squirrels rummaging for food. There have been few accounts of where this mysterious thing has been seen, but those people are long gone, stuck in the old buildings of the Western campus to haunt and scare…

 

Illustrated by Rachel Hetzel

From the humor section: Not-so-scary stories of our lives

Compiled by The Western Howl staff

Caity:

I was just three years old when my life was (almost) changed forever. Let me preface this by saying that I have been watching horror movies since I came out of the womb. I promise, I have good parents — and I turned out fine so it’s whatever. That being said, let me take you back to the year 2001, when my older sister Meagan sat me down to give me “the talk.” Not the one you’re probably thinking of. The other one. The one where your older siblings try to convince you that your parents aren’t your birth parents. Only this talk came with a twist.

Sitting on my bed, Meagan, who is seven years my senior, had a serious look on her face. Then she said it. The words that have stuck with me since:

“Caity, I have to tell you something… your real dad is Michael Myers. And he’s coming to pick you up today. So pack your stuff, you’re leaving tonight,” she said somberly.

I was terrified. But being the little angel I was, I started packing my stuff. What else are you supposed to do when you find out Mikey is your dad?! Tears rolling down my face, I grabbed my “Little Mermaid” suitcase and packed all of five shirts that could actually fit in the thing. It wasn’t until I was entirely done packing that my sister had the decency to tell me this was all one big joke. Haha, Meg. You really got 3-year-old me.

Anyways, to this day I still have an obsession with Michael Myers and all things “Halloween” and it’s probably because he’s my real dad. Love you, Dad.

 

Sage: 

You wanna know how I got these scars? The three ones that you can barely see on the palm of my hand? 

Well, imagine young, 14-year-old Sage. Closeted (that’s a pun, just wait), on my way to the haunted forest attraction that was a tradition for me and my then-best friend (who I was probably in love with and this story should be gayer than it is, but I digress). But before we could go and do that, we had to stop at my little sister’s elementary school halloween celebration where they decorated the hallways and had trick-or-treaters go through it like a maze. 

Now, I don’t know what self-respecting elementary school hires college students to act as ghouls and goblins, but what I do know is that they couldn’t tell the difference between high school freshman and college students, so my friend and I snuck in easily. They had what seemed like hundreds of costumes, and my friend and I settled on these absolutely horrifying clown masks, and, donning our hands with fake blood, we (completely unsupervised) found a door to hide behind in one of the hallways. 

It was a blast. Every time a little elementary schooler walked past, we’d leap up from our crouched position behind the door and banged on the windows, hollering and dramatically dragging our bloody fingers across the glass. Pretty sure we made some small beans pee their pants. 

And y’all, the tension was real, my friend and I pressed up next to each other, sweaty and bloody and feral. And that really would’ve been a brilliant time to make a move, if I hadn’t hit the window so hard, just as a kiddo was rounding the corner, that I put my hand straight through the glass. 

And I, ya know, just kind of held it there in shock, now with REAL blood gushing out of my hand. I think I let out a long, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” before suggesting we get someone. 

Anyways, we ruined the event and some random teacher had to escort me to find my mom, who then bandaged me up in the school bathroom while I giggled like a moron (cuz, shock). Surprisingly, my parents weren’t mad, BUT I did learn later on that the person’s door I had broken happened to be the ‘meanest teacher in school.’ Thank god we moved. 

And that’s the story about how I got too into the halloween festivities and ruined my first gay awakening by being an idiot. And I did, come out of the closet, figuratively at least. 

 

Never:

The year is sometime in the early 2000s, I am young, easily frightened, and trust my elder sister far too much. We were sharing a room at this time in our lives — as we did for our entire childhood and adolescence — she had the top bunk and I had the lowly bottom bunk. It was around Halloween, when we went to a friend’s place and her brother was watching a movie I know now as “The Ring,” a classic tale of horror where a mysterious voice will say on the phone, “You will die in seven days.” Low and behold, they would die in horrendous ways after seven days.

I could only stomach so much of the film, but I got the gist, and I wasn’t happy about it. That night lying in my bed, staring up towards where my sister peacefully slept I kept replaying the haunting movie in my head. That’s when I heard it — a whisper. 

“You…will die…in sevennn dayssss.” There was no mistaking this terrifying promise, I called for my sister, but she peacefully snored unaware of the horror I was facing.

Running on little sleep I was terrified the following day to go to bed, but my mom insisted, and there it was again, a cruel and unforgiving whisper.

“You will die…in six daysss.” This time I crawled up into my sister’s bed, distraught and in tears, begging for her to wake up.

This torture went on for five more days, and I kept silent; afraid to drag my mom or dad into something I had to face on my own.

My final day to live, I sat at the breakfast table and after picking at my plate and sniffing in tears, and my mom asking one last time, “What on Earth is wrong?” I finally told them the bad news.

“I’m going to die today.” When I mentioned the whispering voice who informed me of my sure demise, my sister stared at me with raised brows before stating matter-of-factly, “that was me, idiot.”