Mount Hood

From the humor section: Not-so-scary stories of our lives

Compiled by The Western Howl staff

Caity:

I was just three years old when my life was (almost) changed forever. Let me preface this by saying that I have been watching horror movies since I came out of the womb. I promise, I have good parents — and I turned out fine so it’s whatever. That being said, let me take you back to the year 2001, when my older sister Meagan sat me down to give me “the talk.” Not the one you’re probably thinking of. The other one. The one where your older siblings try to convince you that your parents aren’t your birth parents. Only this talk came with a twist.

Sitting on my bed, Meagan, who is seven years my senior, had a serious look on her face. Then she said it. The words that have stuck with me since:

“Caity, I have to tell you something… your real dad is Michael Myers. And he’s coming to pick you up today. So pack your stuff, you’re leaving tonight,” she said somberly.

I was terrified. But being the little angel I was, I started packing my stuff. What else are you supposed to do when you find out Mikey is your dad?! Tears rolling down my face, I grabbed my “Little Mermaid” suitcase and packed all of five shirts that could actually fit in the thing. It wasn’t until I was entirely done packing that my sister had the decency to tell me this was all one big joke. Haha, Meg. You really got 3-year-old me.

Anyways, to this day I still have an obsession with Michael Myers and all things “Halloween” and it’s probably because he’s my real dad. Love you, Dad.

 

Sage: 

You wanna know how I got these scars? The three ones that you can barely see on the palm of my hand? 

Well, imagine young, 14-year-old Sage. Closeted (that’s a pun, just wait), on my way to the haunted forest attraction that was a tradition for me and my then-best friend (who I was probably in love with and this story should be gayer than it is, but I digress). But before we could go and do that, we had to stop at my little sister’s elementary school halloween celebration where they decorated the hallways and had trick-or-treaters go through it like a maze. 

Now, I don’t know what self-respecting elementary school hires college students to act as ghouls and goblins, but what I do know is that they couldn’t tell the difference between high school freshman and college students, so my friend and I snuck in easily. They had what seemed like hundreds of costumes, and my friend and I settled on these absolutely horrifying clown masks, and, donning our hands with fake blood, we (completely unsupervised) found a door to hide behind in one of the hallways. 

It was a blast. Every time a little elementary schooler walked past, we’d leap up from our crouched position behind the door and banged on the windows, hollering and dramatically dragging our bloody fingers across the glass. Pretty sure we made some small beans pee their pants. 

And y’all, the tension was real, my friend and I pressed up next to each other, sweaty and bloody and feral. And that really would’ve been a brilliant time to make a move, if I hadn’t hit the window so hard, just as a kiddo was rounding the corner, that I put my hand straight through the glass. 

And I, ya know, just kind of held it there in shock, now with REAL blood gushing out of my hand. I think I let out a long, “uhhhhhhhhhhhhh…” before suggesting we get someone. 

Anyways, we ruined the event and some random teacher had to escort me to find my mom, who then bandaged me up in the school bathroom while I giggled like a moron (cuz, shock). Surprisingly, my parents weren’t mad, BUT I did learn later on that the person’s door I had broken happened to be the ‘meanest teacher in school.’ Thank god we moved. 

And that’s the story about how I got too into the halloween festivities and ruined my first gay awakening by being an idiot. And I did, come out of the closet, figuratively at least. 

 

Never:

The year is sometime in the early 2000s, I am young, easily frightened, and trust my elder sister far too much. We were sharing a room at this time in our lives — as we did for our entire childhood and adolescence — she had the top bunk and I had the lowly bottom bunk. It was around Halloween, when we went to a friend’s place and her brother was watching a movie I know now as “The Ring,” a classic tale of horror where a mysterious voice will say on the phone, “You will die in seven days.” Low and behold, they would die in horrendous ways after seven days.

I could only stomach so much of the film, but I got the gist, and I wasn’t happy about it. That night lying in my bed, staring up towards where my sister peacefully slept I kept replaying the haunting movie in my head. That’s when I heard it — a whisper. 

“You…will die…in sevennn dayssss.” There was no mistaking this terrifying promise, I called for my sister, but she peacefully snored unaware of the horror I was facing.

Running on little sleep I was terrified the following day to go to bed, but my mom insisted, and there it was again, a cruel and unforgiving whisper.

“You will die…in six daysss.” This time I crawled up into my sister’s bed, distraught and in tears, begging for her to wake up.

This torture went on for five more days, and I kept silent; afraid to drag my mom or dad into something I had to face on my own.

My final day to live, I sat at the breakfast table and after picking at my plate and sniffing in tears, and my mom asking one last time, “What on Earth is wrong?” I finally told them the bad news.

“I’m going to die today.” When I mentioned the whispering voice who informed me of my sure demise, my sister stared at me with raised brows before stating matter-of-factly, “that was me, idiot.”

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Ooouh, Aries, all of your new pens are so nice. The stars wonder how long it’ll take this year before you lose them all.

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[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] With the start of a new month and a new school year, it may seem like a lot has filled your plate fast; your stubborn attitude will make everything else that much more difficult. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] We all know you’re going to show up to class and make professors think you’re a good student, just so they don’t see your other (unproductive/procrastinating) side. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Don’t worry, you aren’t the only one having a breakdown one the first day of classes. Just keep down the crying and your day should go smooth. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] This is the time for you Leo to really outgrow the expectations you have for yourself; you CAN eat that pint of ice cream and finish an entire season of “Friends” in two days. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Hey Virgo, it’s absolutely OK if you add a little more spice than the recipe requires. I see you over there holding the measuring cup under a magnifying glass. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Oh no, here we go again. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] It’s no shocker that people view you the way that you do, because you know you act a certain way. But with where the planet is at, you also know that will cause other things to happen for you. Keep that in mind with the start of the new term. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] LET’S BRING BACK ROLLING BACKPACKS. WE CAN RIDE EACH OTHER’S BACKPACKS AND CREATE A TRAIN [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Make sure you sit at the very front of the class. That way, your professor can hear you loud and clear when you fact check every part of the lesson. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] The stars know that you’re excited to be starting classes… oh, it’s the pumpkin spice lattes you’re excited about… hey, at least you’re excited for something, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Yo, Pisces. I see you didn’t even clean the old papers out of your backpack from last school year. Or from… two years ago? Three?! You monster. [/fruitful_tab]

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Tips from tots: Advice for those graduating

Caity Healy | Editor-in-Chief

Needing a little bit of advice before you head off from Western? Don’t go to your adviser, go to the ones who will always be entirely honest — kids. Seven kiddos from the Child Development Center were ready to share their tips for all of you soon-to-be graduates by answering a very important question: what should the big kids at Western know or do before they graduate from school?

 

Wyatt

“Learn… new stuff. Eat … um, popcorn, at the movie theater. And for dinner, I have broccoli, and potatoes, and um, and burritos. And, um, chips. And, um, I have water.”

[fruitful_sep]

Evie

“I always like to play and eat food … a cheese sandwich, and macaroni and burgers.”

[fruitful_sep]

Jove

“Take pictures … inside … And kindergarten.”

[fruitful_sep]

Corryn

“Have a great goal in life … (my goal is) to make sure I achieve my dreams.”

[fruitful_sep]

Casey

“I like to play with my friends all the time.”

[fruitful_sep]

Marshall

“(They should know) about being a teacher.”

[fruitful_sep]

Margo

“Be respectful.”

 

Contact the author at howleditor@wou.edu

Photos by Caity Healy

Humor: Personality quiz — which Western building are you?

Caity Healy | Editor-in-Chief

1. By some miracle, you have a ton of free time on a weekday. What do you do with it?

  1. Nuzzle up by the fire, maybe read a book about human rights.
  2. Work on a project I’ve been putting off. It’s fine if I make a mess, it’ll be cleaned up.
  3. Hit up someone I haven’t talked to in a bit, see how they’re doing.
  4. See if my friends need any help with their work.

 

2. Nobody’s perfect. How would you describe your biggest flaw?

  1. Hard to say. In some cases, I struggle to open myself up. Other times, I’m too transparent.
  2. I can be too focused on my past. I’ve had to rebuild myself multiple times, it’s hard to let that history go.
  3. I keep forcing people out of my life. I let them in for short periods, but at the end of the day, I can’t keep them around.
  4. I don’t really know who I am. There are so many parts to me, I struggle to really explain myself.

 

3. Sure, you’re not perfect. But you’re pretty great. How would you describe your best trait?

  1. I care about people. I strive to make the world a better place, where everyone has equal rights.
  2. I inspire people to express themselves honestly. And people can depend on me to be there.
  3. I’m not sure, but I must be doing something right. People care about me a lot. Like, a LOT.
  4. I provide support to my friends whenever I can, in whatever way that I can.

 

4. You’re having a movie night with your friends, what kind of movie are you watching?

  1. Something really inspiring that will definitely make me cry.
  2. A documentary of some sort — some history, or maybe an artistic biography.
  3. A supernatural thriller. I love horror.
  4. Something about best friends who have each others’ backs.

 

5. One of these songs comes on the radio during a road trip. Which one has you belting the lyrics out?

  1. “Formation” by Beyonce. Makes you feel powerful af.
  2. “Skyscraper” by Demi Lovato. You might not have Demi’s range, you’re gonna try.
  3. “Ghostbusters” by Ray Parker Jr. We love a good soundtrack.
  4. “Fix You” by Coldplay. Sometimes you just have to cry a little bit.

 

Mostly A’s:

You’re the RWEC! You’re super comforting, and beautiful inside and out. You consider everyone and inclusivity is a goal of yours. However, you have a really hard time letting people in. Some days, you shut people out completely.

 

Mostly B’s:

You’re Campbell Hall! You’ve been around forever and people can depend on you. You’re definitely a work of art, but you’re also definitely a lot of work. Yes, you have a lot of history. But people can only help build you up so many times.

 

Mostly C’s:

You’re Todd Hall! People really care for you. Some care a little too much. There’s a lot of ghosts in your past — it’s important that you don’t let these ghosts stop people from feeling welcome in your life.

 

Mostly D’s:

You’re the APSC! Look, you’re confusing. There are a lot of levels to you. So many that often people can have a hard time navigating through them. You’re there to support people, and that’s great! But if they can’t even find their way in, it’s pointless.

 

Contact the author at howleditor@wou.edu

Cheesy pick-up lines that DEFINITELY work 100% of the time…maybe.

You ever see a person that you just really want to impress, but the right words can’t seem to form in your brain? If that’s happened to you, you know that as a result, you end up standing there, blank-faced. Or, worse, you ramble an incoherent sentence that makes absolutely no sense. Fear not — your friends at the Western Howl are here to make those awkward encounters a little bit less uncomfortable. Just memorize a few of these cheesy pick-up lines, and you should be good to go.

Note: If something goes wrong while using these, it’s definitely NOT the fault of the Western Howl, or the fault of the pickup line. These lines are absolutely FOOLPROOF and if you get rejected or something then you probably did something wrong.

 

“Do you have an ugly boyfriend? No? Want one?”

“Hey, is that guy bothering you? No? Would you mind if I bothered you then?”

“You’re a 9/10. And I’m the 1 you need.”

“Girl, are you a Taco Bell sauce, cuz you’re pretty mild.”

“Are you a duck? Cuz you quack me up.”

“Are you a beaver? Cuz dam.”

“Are you a wolf? Cuz … cuz… (insert wolf noises).”

“I want to bang you just like how the RWEC’s automatic doors bang me.”

“Are you the main doors to the RWEC? Because you’re refusing to let me in.”

 

Compiled by the Western Howl staff

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Oddly satisfying: the way Gru from “Despicable Me” says “Gorls.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Four more weeks… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] I may have been born in the ‘90s, but my soul is from the Middle Ages (: <3 <3 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] When you just ate a carrot and you haven’t lost any weight yet, there is something wrong with the system! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Is it okay if I use this as this week’s horoscope? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Oooh, the judge is gonna give you a life-sentence because you have been absolutely KILLING IT this week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars think it was totally reasonable of you to be late to class because you stopped to pet the cat. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] You’re wrong about the moon. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Life is too short to spend it doubting yourself, Sagittarius. Remember that when you start to question why you’re rewatching “The Office” for the third time this year. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] The stars see three full-size pizzas that will be consumed solely by you in your future. And by your future, we mean within the next week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Fruit Loops are in your future, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Best believe that the last time you saw your crush, you had some big old crusty nose gold visible — and boy did they notice! With that in mind, HAVE A GREAT WEEK! [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The star dog Cooper graces you with his presence and wishes you the best. He knows you need it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Sorry Taurus, the stars are busy right now, please leave a message after the beep. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Time to plant your garden, Gemini. Get it done now, and your odds of harvesting one salad’s worth of vegetables by the end of the season will be likely-ish. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Listen, I don’t even know what I am having for dinner. How am I going to help you with your crappy life. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] The mitochondria is the alpha of the horde. Don’t touch it because it will bite you. Ow. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] ~live, laugh, love~ “Ugh yas, that honestly represents me so well like tbh you just wouldn’t get it.” [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars would like to thank caffeine for sponsoring this week’s horoscopes. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] P E T T H E D O G [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Girls are great. Treasure the ladies in your life, Sagittarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] In six months it’ll be October. Happy half birthday-month, Pumpkin King. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] YEEAASS END OF THE TERM!!! Wait what? We’ve still got three weeks to go? Oof. Hold in there, Aquarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] I know, I know… I am sorry we just have to end things…. It’s been four years, Western. It’s hard for me to … but I just need to leave. You’ll find someone else, don’t worry. [/fruitful_tab]

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