Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The stars are having a brain fart. Maybe you should make up your own horoscope this week Aries. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Hahaha what an amazing and relatable comic. It was probably made by someone super cool. Stop reading this and go admire it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] You know what time of year it is, GIRL SCOUT COOKIE SZN! Where them Thin Mints at?! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Studying… Netflix… studying… Yep, Netflix. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Grab a chair and stand on it. Versatile. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] The stars noticed as you walked past the people tabling in the WUC, immediately pulled out your phone and pretended you were reading something very important just to avoid any eye contact/act like you didn’t even notice the people staring directly at you, waiting for your attention. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars see midterms in your future, Libra. Aren’t we insightful? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] If you disappear into the forest, your student loans won’t be able to follow you. It’s science. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Sometimes people are just exhausting, Sagittarius. Good luck out there. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Remember that movie “Surf’s Up 2” with all those penguin surfers? Me neither. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″]

The stars know how you’re getting through midterms: with a healthy amount of sleep…actually it’s more like 13 cans of pure caffeine that keeps you up for three days straight with zero crash and all the insomnia.

The stars are #notsponsored by Bang [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] I have a big old question for you, Pisces… Why does my foot look like this? [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

 

Amusement from the archives

Caity Healy | Editor in Chief

Paige Montgomery | The Lamron Archives

Happy 163rd birthday, Western. This year, to celebrate Western’s birthday, the Western Howl dug through the archives to find some real knee-slapping comedy from back in the day. What better way to ring in the very significant 163rd year of this school’s existence by resurfacing what Wolves used to find funny?

What we came across, believe it or not, actually made us laugh. Turns out humor has always been a thing? For your enjoyment, here are some of our favorite stories written in a recurring segment from the 1985-1986 volume of the Lamron titled, “Turn to Paige” by staff writer Paige Montgomery. We hope you enjoy these as much as we did. Happy birthday, Western.

Contact the author at howleditor@wou.edu

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The perfect horoscope doesn’t exi-… oh wait, Sagittarius knows what’s up. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] We are but specks of dust to the universe. Live life inconsequentially. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] The stars watched as you did homework for a full two minutes, opened a new tab, and started looking for hotels and flights for a spontaneous vacay. Stay focused, Gemini. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] -_- < 😀 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Treat yourself! Go make yourself some skillet potatoes. You will never regret it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Don’t forget to eat breakfast. Otherwise you’re gonna be that one kid whose stomach rumbles really loudly in class and you’ll play it off really awkwardly like, “what was that noise??” but in reality we literally all heard it come from your stomach, Virgo. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Don’t look at the stars like that, Libra. We didn’t tell you to start your essay at 11 p.m. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] You’re already procrastinating on your homework, Scorpio? You really are on another level. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] The stars demand that you get more than five hours of sleep this week. But this is definitely one of those “do as we say, not as we do” moments… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Remember that movie “Surf’s Up” with all those penguin surfers? Me neither. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Way to keep up with all your work this first week Aquarius! Now you only have 10 mo— wait, where are you going? Aquarius?! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Just because there is a free big gulp behind 7-Eleven doesn’t mean you should take it, Pisces. [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Christmas sweaters are so last year, Aries. It’s time to put the sweaters away. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Hey Taurus, lets just pretend 2018 never happened. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Look, Gemini. We tell you your horoscope EVERY WEEK. And what do we get in return? Literally not even so much as a THANK YOU CARD? 2019 is the year of reciprocity. Maybe think about giving back to the stars who devote so much time to you… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Set your alarm clock one hour before you have to get up, we know it will take you that long to decide it’s worth it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] NOOOOOooOOOOooooOooOOOoOOOoo0oooo. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] The stars suggest you make your resolution include something about actually attending class this year. Or nah. You do you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars have a resolution for you, Libra: try actually listening to us this year. Not that you’ll stick to it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] The stars almost forgot to submit your horoscope this week, Scorpio. Big mood, right? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] New year, new term, new you, right? Wrong! You know you’re still the same stone cold fox you always have been, Sagittarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] School’s back. Time to learn how to read and write again, Capricorn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] New Year’s resolutions are a nice way to fix regrettable decisions made on New Year’s Eve. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] I know all that small talk over the holidays killed your soul but get ready, there’s more! New classes love small talk and small talk loves to crush your soul. Enjoy <3 [/fruitful_tab]

[/fruitful_tabs]

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Everything is fine. It definitely wasn’t a bad idea to start all your assignments for your online class during finals week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Power through, Taurus. Pain is temporary, grades are forever. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] One more final ‘til freedom. We believe in you. YOU’VE GOT THIS. *Insert studying montage with “The Final Countdown” by Europe playing in the background* [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Let’s play a drinking game. For every procrastinated assignment this term, take a drink! Yep, that’s all there is to it, but that’s all it will take. (Note: The stars want you to please drink responsibly). [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] You can make cooked bread by carefully inserting raw bread into a toaster. Make sure to have adult supervision. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Are you ready to head back home for break? Don’t you just miss the family time, the home cooked meals, the curfews, the chores, the barrage of questioning and the overly-loud family get togethers? Feels good to be home. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars think it’s a good time to remind you that multiple cups of caffeinated beverages do not technically count as a meal. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Cereal is not a type of soup, and anyone trying to tell you that is a liar. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Pro tip: playing holiday music while you study makes finals week merrier. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″]Cereal IS a type of soup, and anyone trying to tell you otherwise is a liar. Live your best life, Capricorn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Brain. Fried. Wake the stars up in three weeks when Winter Term starts. We need our break, too. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] FINALS. FINALS. FINALS. SO BUSY, HALF OF THE STAFF FORGOT TO DO THEIR HOROSCOPES KINDA FINALS. INCLUDING. PISCES. BUT NICE JOB, NONETHELESS! [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]
[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s time to put the leftovers down and do the twenty assignments you put off and said you would do during Thanksgiving break. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Taurus, you were supposed to buy some Christmas gifts for family and friends on Black Friday, not just gifts for yourself. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] The stars are studying for finals, don’t bother us! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Post-dinner thought: What if in an alternate universe turkeys hunt and overeat us once a year in the name of the holidays??? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Memory foam pillows are the best… weapons to use in a pillow fight. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Nothin’ quite gets you ready and pumped for your final like sitting down in soaking wet shoes and drenched hair from the rain. Better pack that extra pair of socks (preferably the ones with doggos on them, the stars think those are fun). [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] ‘Tis the season to go broke if you want to get presents for everyone on time, Libra. Or don’t. Choose wisely. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Deleting your old Instagram photos doesn’t count as self care, Scorpio. Stop making things up. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] It’s your season, Sagittarius! Make the most of it. Channel that powerful celestial energy into your unreasonably long papers that are almost due. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Make sure to triple check your double check on what time and day your finals are, Capricorn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Yes Aquarius, we saw you write a “totally unique” poem to your girlfriend on Christmas that also spells out SEND NOODS in the first letter of each line. I did it last year…and the year before that. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] IT’S ALMOST YOUR TIME, PISCES. TIME TO PREP YOUR BIRTHDAY MONTH. BUT LET’S NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN, IT WAS A BAD LOOK. [/fruitful_tab]
[/fruitful_tabs]

This week in completely made up horoscopes

[fruitful_tabs type=”accordion” width=”100%” fit=”false”]
[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The stars foresee a large number of leftovers in your near future. Maybe you could hook us up with some mashed potatoes. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Remember Taurus, it’s never too late or too early to take a nap. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Happy Thanksgiving, Gemini. Pull out the stretchy pants — we’re eating a WEIRD amount of green bean casserole. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Can no one see what is happening here… I guess that’s fine given the current brain activity used elsewhere. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Pikachu or Eevee. Decisions, decisions… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Your procrastination is gettin’ preeetty intense, Virgo. You should probably do something about that. At some point. Whenever you get around to it. Or not. Whatever. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars say your Thanksgiving dinner should be the food equivalent of ‘go big or go home.’ [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] You really should buy the stars a new computer, Scorpio. We do a lot for you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Hey Sagittarius, your mom keeps calling us and asking for your Christmas list. You really need to start working on that. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Dead week is upon us… the due date for all the work you’ve put off since Week 1 is approaching… yeah, you’re on your own. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Now comes the biggest decision of your life Aquarius: do you fill your plate up for 3rds of mash potatoes and gravy, or save room for the eventual pie? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Ahh, end of term. Time to make a second home in the library. [/fruitful_tab]
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