Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Huh, weird. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Damn that movie was really bad. 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Wow that was worse than 2016

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me….

Leo 7/23-8/22

When the whole world took the L … lel

Virgo 8/23-9/22

“This mac and cheese, man, Oh, he’s got a plan to end my life” 

Libra 9/23-10/22

I would like a full refund and a heartfelt apology.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

GG, we’ll pick it up next time

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Weird flex but ok lol

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Thanks, I hated it

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

At least it’s over

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

… if you have nothing nice to say then – 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I’m giving you a coupon to shut up 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Oh look it’s a mug that says C–t and the C is the handle. I thought it matched your personality.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Unlock your next gift with a healthy donation of $30 

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I know you hate cheeseburgers, so I got you a cheeseburger without the cheese.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

No, I didn’t get you anything. Did I get you???

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

One (1) free pass to your local occult meeting

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

A stapler and loose staples placed inside neon jello. Useful and delicious! 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

enjoy my half-drunk peppermint mocha 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

What’s that? You don’t want this gag ball?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I couldn’t afford a gift this year, so I got you this box

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

It’s sudoku toilet paper! Figured you needed something to do while you’re in there for an hour

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I hope you enjoy this personalized notebook with a 2-page note I wrote for you and this scrap book and this mug and…

Take a sip of egg nog when …

The Western Howl Staff

Take a sip of egg nog when …

A family member complains about COVID-19

Someone mentions Kate Brown

A cousin wears a tail to dinner

Any family member impulse-buys off Amazon after a single recommendation

Someone tries to hit the high note in Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You,” and fails

If one of your younger cousins tries to hit the woah 

A family member says the votes need to be recounted

A baby spits up and everyone says ‘awwww’

Your aunty shows off your baby cousin but it’s ugly :/

You film a tiktok (drink again if you post it)

You get socks as a gift

If your uncle brags way too much about the money he saved by going to Disney World during COVID

Your family still decides to invite those “family friends” you hardly know to dinner

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Midterms

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

The mania that has set in from not sleeping in 3 days will never go away. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Going to sleep at 5am and waking up at 2pm seems to be working so why change it? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Week 8. Is it over yet.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The guy sure looks like plant food to me.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m going to Mcdonalds, you guys wanna tag along?

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

The Sands Of Time Have Reached Their End. To Prepare For Your Finals, You Must Transcend.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

If we all gather at the same time and day on Moodle, could we crash the site? Let’s put the team in teamwork. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Don’t cry because it’s over, cry because it happened

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Don’t mind. Don’t mind.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Spent all week catching up with my classes only to realize I forgot to do a project, lol what’s good y’all

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Procrastinate, stress, cram, forget assignments, cry, rinse and repeat ⏤ it’s week 8 buckos.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Week 8? More like breakdown 80. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Family conversation starters for Thanksgiving

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Look Uncle Rob, I’m going to need you to stop sending me all lives matter memes on Facebook. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Mom, dad, I have something to tell you … I’m gay. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

*silently drinks cranberry juice during the entire dinner*

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I’m going to quit and get the fear.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

I’m never going to another family dinner party. EVER

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Boycott Amazon.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Listen up aunties, stop asking me if I’m in a relationship. Tinder is rough around here. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

So how about them uh. SpOrts huh? Haha

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

So uhhhh.. I lost my virginity.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I’mfailinghalfofmyclasses so April how’re the kids?

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

So I’m a BIG supporter of pineapples on pizza. Anyone else???

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

How about we discuss the rise and fall of capitalism?

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Voting

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Don’t want to hear you whining if you didn’t vote.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Are you ready to see another old white man as president again? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

no you can’t split your vote like your personality

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Hold onto your butts.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just buy a few houseplants to like, help the vibe out, you know? 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Don’t worry, next week’s issue will include destressing tips.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Wait, I was asleep. What happened? 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

If you didn’t vote, I hope you enjoy eternal darkness 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

No matter what happens, we have each other — stay strong!

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Ah, the elderly man contest, the most interesting time of year

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

By mail or booth, you best vote

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Vote, or else…

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Election Reactions

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I never liked oranges anyways.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

The pink nippled community is at it again.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

lovely

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Look! Another powdery old white man won the old white man contest. WHAT AN UPSET!

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’m blue da ba dee da ba daa

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

How ya doin’ champ? Go take a few laps and walk it off, we’ll be fine. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

They wigged the ewection uWu

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Are we saved?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

you’re fired lol

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I’m tired and I hate it here. 

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I didn’t look at my phone once last week. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Horoscopes from The Fly 

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

What if I just took a s—t right now.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

This is a nice spot for a nap.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Bruh why’d he stay so long, get out of there before his hair gel kills you!

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Don’t listen to that guy. He’s trying to lead you down the path of wickedness. I’m gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

He’s not real he’s definitely like a lizard or something

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

You know what they say flies are attracted to.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Thought I was landing on a snack, turned out it was a snake.

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Listen to “Fly on the Wall” by Miley Cyrus.

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

You better vote.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

At least I made him look even more like an idiot

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Oop, time for my 15 minutes of fame (⌐▨_▨)

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I can see why the audience is empty.

This week in completely made up HORRORscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Halloween / Horror

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Wait … what’s that behind you? 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Nothing can scare you when you’re already dead. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

I’ve got something that’ll scare you: 4 midterms on the SAME DAY

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Kxpdq vrgd, L’p jrqqd gulqn lw olnh d shuvrq. (Caesar)

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Week five -shiver-

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Believe in the power of the Mothman. 

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

BOO

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

The real treasure is the demons we bring home from the journey

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I wonder if squirrels can haunt you… I wish I was a squirrel.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I have a message from the ghost that’s been following me since I was 12: he says ‘boo!’

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Spooky scary midterms send shivers down your mind.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The only scary thing about halloween that I enjoy are the zombie shaped chocolates. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Gang gang. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Just … go back to sleep.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

haven’t had coffee yet, pls don’t talk to me

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Out on lunch break, will be back next week 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

As the days get shorter, you become your true self. Embrace the dark, baby.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

No <3

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Some fish can walk out of water, but will they climb trees?

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Hey, I hope you have a wonderful day — you deserve it! Get out there and DEVOUR SOME AVOCADOS.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Go to bed early tonight, treat yourself to at least 8 hours of sleep 🙂

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Is it just me, or is my FBI man listening a little too well?

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Go ahead and buy that extra sticker for your water bottle. You deserve it. 

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