Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Giving advice to new students!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Drop out.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Pedialyte. Lots of pedialyte. Hydration station.  

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Use last year’s essays.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Go to community college first—oh wait

Leo 7/23-8/22

Join clubs, go to social events, make connections with professors, get an internship, get a job. All at once. You totally will not burn out extremely trying to please everyone.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Coffee is your best friend. Literally, you’re not gonna survive without her. 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Befriend people. Many people. Date everyone you meet.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

C’s get degrees. …or is it D’s, idk

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

College is more about the experience than actual learning. Skipping classes is totally fine as long as you’re out living life to the fullest.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Start budgeting, you’ll probably have to survive a couple months with only $13 dollars at least twice.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Summer is over. Accept it and embrace Fall so you can enjoy it!

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Get some food in your stomach before/while drinking so you can drink more

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Hot girl summer tips!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

ur hot already

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Sleep. Nothing else.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Disagreeing with Virgo, avoid the sunscreen and get toasty

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Live life to the fullest and don’t be afraid

Leo 7/23-8/22

Your fire’s a little low babe, it’s time you take it back

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Wear sunscreen with at least SPF 30!

Libra 9/23-10/22

GTL; Gym, tan, laundry! #jerseyshore 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

be queer invoke fear

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

hydrate

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Cry twice a day, it’ll clear your skin up to make for some killer photos

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Act “cultured” and order a “Ban(h) Mi” that’s actually just a chicken sandwich

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Turn up the heater?

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: No theme!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

You have entered the rat zone. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Be gay, do crimes 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

okay google, why does burnt popcorn taste like how cat piss smells?

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Js, i’d sell your soul to satan for a corn chip

Leo 7/23-8/22

EArly summmmmer breakkk plz

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I think, ergo I am.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Hey siri, locate my fwb?

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Say hi to the gods

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Hello my little pogchamp UwU

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

If you see a sagittarius today, attack them say hello 🙂

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

zzzzz

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

All I want today is a good gummy shark. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: One word stories!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Nicolas

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Cage

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Has

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The

Leo 7/23-8/22

Football

Virgo 8/23-9/22

And

Libra 9/23-10/22

He’s

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Going

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

To

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

H–l.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Touchdown!

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

GOAL!!!

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: What are the signs favorite thing(s) about the Earth?

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Coca-Cola

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Whatever will get me the drunk the fastest.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Dog water

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Mimosa, hold the champagne

Leo 7/23-8/22

We will be SOBER hit em with a limeade

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Is straight Fireball a cocktail?

Libra 9/23-10/22

Vodka in a plastic water bottle

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

rooster

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

AMF AMF AMF AMF AMF AMF CHECK OUT OUR YOUTUBE VIDEO

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Anything that i can add maraschino cherries to

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Juice … just juice

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Love me a sex on the beach 😉

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: What are the signs favorite thing(s) about the Earth?

Aries 3/21-4/19  

My bed. 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Bees 🐝

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Mangoes, papayas, avocados, ya know. The good stuff.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

The ocean, so help take care of it pls

Leo 7/23-8/22

Aliens visit sometimes and that’s pretty chill

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Chocolate has gotten me through a lot

Libra 9/23-10/22

I like turtles!

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Poisonous plants are SUPER sick

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

100T co-owner Valkyrae. May her presence bless the soul of the Earth.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Plants, to put it bluntly

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Plants that eat bugs … so metal

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

That every plant has its purpose, even the weeds.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: What are the signs allergic to?

Aries 3/21-4/19  

deez nuts

Taurus 4/20-5/20

b.s. i don’t need to spell it out for ya

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Bees love Geminis y’know, hope you’re prepared

Cancer 6/21-7/22

citrus

…there’s no joke, i just live a sad life without good fruit

Leo 7/23-8/22

Coffee that isn’t iced

Virgo 8/23-9/22

North Dakota

Libra 9/23-10/22

I’m allergic to huge family gatherings

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Everyone is allergic to scorpion venom. You are no exception

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Ur mom.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Buddha flavoured holy water, for some reason it doesn’t agree with me

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

myself

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

With how stuffed my nose is… air

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