Compiled By:Stephanie Blair, Ashton Newton and Zoe Strickland

Aries 3/21-4/19
Keep that pepper spray close, Aries. If you go back through your Snapchat story, you’ll notice that a clown has been following you around campus.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Don’t get coffee this week, Taurus. I know you love it, but it doesn’t love you. It’s time to let your addiction go.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Your lost twin is out there somewhere, Gemini. Just keep on singing your half of the Disney-esque duet.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week, 50 Spongebob meme blogs will follow you on Tumblr. Are ya’ feelin’ it now, Mr. Crabs?

Leo 7/23-8/22
Be suspicious of everyone, Leo. There’s a 75 percent chance that the Libras in your life are lying to you.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Have seen “Hocus Pocus”? Don’t light that black flame candle, you virgi- I mean, Virgo.

Libra 9/23-10/22
I know you love Halloween, Libra. Chin up, there’s only 12 days until the best holiday of the year.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You might as well throw out your birthday list, Scorpio. No one is going to buy you anything off of it anyway.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
It’s your world, Sagittarius. Let the “Happy Little Cloud” remix guide your week.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
On Friday, your eyeliner will look great. But as soon as you leave your house, it will smudge and you won’t know for the entire day. Racoon eyes for life.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I’ll keep your secret, Aquarius. Nobody has to know that your favorite band is Phish.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Sorry to break it to you, Pisces, but this is definitely all a dream. It’s not a good one.