By: Paige Scofield
News Editor

Note: this article was edited for readability.

So this is going to be less of a review and more of an I watch-I think-I type kind of situation. This is indeed a drunk review of the classic: “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”. Honestly I don’t know what to expect so strap in because I bet my bottom-dollar that half of this isn’t even going to be about Charlie.

I’m currently finishing a 16 ounce Rolling Rock beer. Before said beer I drank almost a whole bottle of champagne so I can’t feel my lips and my legs feel like noodles. I didn’t think that almost a whole bottle of champagne would do this but holy cow I’m gone. I’m trying so hard to type good. But typing is definitely a sober activity (sport?). I have so many bubbles in my stomach.

Okay I’m going to down this beer and start the show! I really just want to sleep but I gotta work dude. Okay let’s watch this thing. Okay starting with the classic music-Linus just ate an apple off the ground what the f***. That’s dirty. Now Lucy and Linus are picking a pumpkin to carve.

Lucy is rude to Linus. Lucy just cut a pumpkin to carve it and Linus thought she killed a vegetable. Go Charles Shultz. Snoopy is playing with a leaf. I love Snoopy. But his cousin Spike is super cool. My mom really likes Spike; Spike isn’t in this but whatever. Charlie is about to get duped with a football. Why does he always trust Lucy to hold a football? And he kicked and fell once again. Lucy, just be nice?

Linus is writing to the Great Pumpkin. Snoopy looks on and laughs. Lucy is being a douche as usual-telling Linus his Great Pumpkin is fake. Linus realizes to never talk about politics, religion and the Great Pumpkin to other people. Sally loves Linus even though he still carries a blanket around. How old are these kids? Also, why does he think the Great Pumpkin is a halloween santa? That’s weird. Sally and Linus have a “date” to wait for the Great Pumpkin but Charlie is like no. CHARLIE GOT INVITED TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY AND DANCES. OOPS, CAPS IS ON. Lucy is still being RUDE. Now they make costumes. Charlie is bad at it. Everyone keeps hating on Linus but Sally approves of him. Also, no one says “tricks or treats” LUCY. It’s “TRICK OR TREAT”.

I feel like I’m writing a play-by-play so I’m going to wait a bit to write more. It’s only eight minutes in. Excuse me, nine minutes. Someone finally said good grief. Pig pen is dirty. Snoopy is a bomb pilot. He is so confident. I wish I could be as confident as Snoopy.

Sally loves Linus a lot. Linus is being sexist thinking little girls believe everything they’re told. what the f— Linus that’s not cool.

I don’t think I have neck bones anymore. Charlie got a rock instead of candy? Snoopy! I finally understand why he called himself Snoop Dog-because Snoopy is so cool. Holy cow I’ve written a lot. Man, if only writing was this easy sober. Where’s Woodstock? Here comes piano man. I don’t remember his name but he’s cool. Snoopy cries weird. Linus thinks Snoopy is the Great Pumpkin. He’s not. Someone finally said blockhead. Linus was out until four in the morning? Where are his parents?

The Great Pumpkin is fake.

12/10 recommend this for everyone to watch. If you want.

Please don’t contact the author.