Humor – Page 22 – The Western Howl

By: Zoe Strickland

NASA recently reminded all of us that they truly hold power over the stars. NASA scientists came forth with the information that there are actually 13 zodiac symbols, rather than 12. The ‘new’ zodiac, Ophiuchus, sits nestled in the winter months. Some of you may be freaking out right now, but this (completely fake) astrologer is here to tell you to chill out. Ophiuchus has been around for centuries! Constellations don’t just randomly appear in the sky, and not all constellations are zodiac symbols. When Babylonians were creating the zodiac calendar, they decided to pick 12 of the constellations that the sun passed through to represent the 12 different parts of the zodiac. Ophiuchus was always there, the Babylonians just didn’t want it in their calendar. As NASA pointed out on their Tumblr page: they’re in the business of studying astronomy, not astrology. So, take a deep breath, you don’t have to update your Tinder bio just yet.

Aries 3/21-4/19
Yes, that professor doesn’t like you. No, another class won’t fit with your schedule. It’s time to buckle up and face that this year might just not be your year.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
You most definitely need more office supplies. If you can’t fully stock an Office Depot, how do you expect to survive this year?

Gemini 5/21-6/20
That person you’ve been crushing on all week? Just ask them out. New school year, new beginnings. (Maybe some new rejection.)

Cancer 6/21-7/22
The next bag of Flamin’ Hot Cheetos you buy will be completely empty. Inhale that Cheeto-flavored air, Cancer. It very well may be the highlight of your week.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Your week is looking bright, Leo. On Friday morning you will be gifted with one and a half Pumpkin Spice Lattes. The missing half was consumed by a ravenous squirrel.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
You’re going to have a wild weekend, Virgo. I’m talkin’ tequila, board games, and making homemade bath bombs. Go crazy.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Double check your bank account, Libra. I have a strong suspicion that someone is going to take your credit card and go crazy at Michaels. It’s almost Halloween; identity thieves need decorations, too.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, this week would be a good time to start talking to your plants. We had a meeting last night and the succulents are considering going on a strike. I don’t know the logistics.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Gear up, it is your week in PokemonGO. You’re about to hardcore catch ‘em all. I see a Snorlax in your future, so start hunting.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
The stars are telling me that there’s only 13 weeks left until Christmas. If I were you, I’d start reminding people about your birthday as soon as possible.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
It’s kind of ironic that you don’t like seafood.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you definitely left your stove on this morning.

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I’m here to predict the future for all you graduating students. And for those of you who aren’t graduating, please reference back to this in the six or so years it will take you to complete your undergrad.

Aries 3/21-4/19
You will be the proud owner of five Taco Bells, Aries. Why not six? Nobody ever said you were an overachiever.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Every day for the rest of your life you will consume 11 Choco Taco’s. This has nothing to do with what you will be doing for work, but I just wanted to let you know that you will be living the exact life you always dreamed of.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
I checked with the stars and not one single Gemini is graduating. There aren’t even any Gemini that go to this school. So if you’re reading this, “Gemini,” you’re a faker, and you’re tacky and I hate you.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Did you know that it’s actually someone’s job to test video games? Wouldn’t that be the dream, Cancer? Well, that’s not going to be your job. Sorry.

Leo 7/23-8/22
I’m looking way into the future for you, Leo, like ten years’ time. What’s to come? Well, hmm, how do I break the news to you? You’ll be in jail. Yup, that’s probably the only way I can say that sentence.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Virgo, you will get into law school. Congrats. Will you get a job after that? I don’t know, do you think I know everything?

Libra 9/23-10/22
Somewhere between your vegan Kashi binge and your hunt for the perfect partner for your hairless cat, you’ll stumble into a trendy start up and they’ll offer you a job.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
November 1, 2031, and I’m not telling you what this date means, but I will tell you that it involves some juicy news.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Well, Sagittarius, I see you entering a job that I am completely jealous of. Is it an movie star? A CEO? Nope, nope. You’ll be involved in testing new brands of wine. You don’t even have to do anything besides drink it and say if it’s good or not.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
You will rise up and become president of all the Salt Queens and all the Trash kids of this fine world.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
You forgot about a course. Totally not graduating.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You will be graced with the job of wiping the sweat off of Chris Hemsworth’s face in between takes of him filming the next “Thor” or “Avengers” or whatever those movies are that he does.

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Student chooses actual “arm and a leg” option for payment of student loans

By: Katrina Penaflor
Managing Editor

Many students who are graduating at the end of this term are faced with the fact that they have a large amount of student loans to take care of after graduation.

This debt, which for some students is in the tens of thousands of dollars, is appearing to be nearly impossible to pay off.

After looking closer at the variety of payment options, and weighing their severity, one student, Gary Traynor, has decided to go for the actual “arm and a leg” option.

“I always thought that was just a saying, you know, a phrase people would use to give emphasis to how much something cost them, but then I really started considering if this was the better option,” Traynor said.

“I’m definitely sticking with my decision. I thought about it, and do I really want to be paying off loans for the next thirty years? Nah, man, just take my arm and leg, you debt-collecting savages.”

The man who issued Traynor his loans, Quentin Wesley, who was asked about the taboo nature of this payment option.

“Well, initially this was only ever listed as a joke. An intern added it in and everyone in the office laughed about it. I never thought anyone would actually choose it,” Wesley said.

He went on to comment, “But we’re in the business of making money, and surprisingly there is a lot of money in the arm and leg business, so we aren’t writing this off as a loss.”

Wesley was then asked if he was worried about the illegal nature of this form of payment. He quickly started to sweat and said, “I hadn’t really thought about it,” before he added, “can you actually keep me anonymous in this article?”
To which I quickly replied, “No.”

Contact the author at journalmanaging@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalKatrina

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Dasani to rename themselves “America’s Best Tap Water” until November election

By: Katrina Penaflor
Managing Editor

The next company to show their support for the upcoming election is none other than Dasani, you know, the bottled water brand you buy because it’s cheaper than Smart Water.

But consumers will no longer find “Dasani” on the labels for the next few months. Instead the company is choosing to print “America’s Best Tap Water” to show their support for our fine country.

Franklin O’Brian, a brand spokesman for Dasani, issued a statement about the new name.

“When you think of America, you think of two things. First is the word ‘America’ and second is ‘Dasani.’ We want our company to reflect that, hence the temporary name change,” O’Brian said.

Although it is completely arguable that Americans have never once thought of Dasani when thinking about their country, it can be noted that a major company showing their support for the presidential race is a unique form of marketing.

O’Brian continued with his statement and added, “We really felt like Dasani fit the theme of the election this year, and our rebranding supports that. Our newly labeled ‘America’s Best Tap Water’ is all about not totally being the best water for you, but you’ll drink it anyway because it’s your only option.”

When asked if he thought having “tap water” as part of the new name would deter people from purchasing their product, O’Brian quickly responded with “I don’t think so, no. People will honestly purchase anything with ‘America’ written on it.”

He continued, “Our sales have skyrocketed in the last week that we’ve been on shelves, and all we did was place a sticker over our new labels. We didn’t even bother to reprint.”

To see if what O’Brian was saying was actually true, I stopped by a local Target and found a woman who was purchasing the new America’s Best Tap Water.

I asked why she favored this brand over something of the same price, like Aquafina. She said, “I don’t want people to think I’m un-American. Plus I’m in charge of bringing drinks to my PTA meeting. This will make all the moms look bad who showed up with off-brand bottled water that doesn’t have ‘America’ written on it.”

Contact the author at journalmanaging@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalKatrina

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Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Here is a random tweet to I found to guide you through your day. “When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.” -@Tmoney68

Taurus 4/20-5/20
The moons are telling me you’re prepping for summer, Taurus. Take it down a notch, and please stop bathing in tanning oil. You’re getting it all over the place.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
I was harsh on you last week, Gemini, when I predicted you’d only get three pumps. I’m feeling generous today. The stars are telling me you’ll get four.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
I’m sure you’re wondering why your dog is constantly dressing as a goth princess, Cancer. Just let her do her thing. It’s just a phase.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Go eat a mediocre, chunky peanut butter sandwich.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
The next Arizona iced tea you purchase will be filled entirely with cream cheese.

Libra 9/23-10/22
You’ve consumed nothing but uncooked ramen noodles for the last 14 days. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life, Libra … actually, I am. Switch up your diet. Go eat something covered in chocolate.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, I’ve got great news for you. Your Justin Trudeau glitter tattoo kit is arriving in the mail tomorrow.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
May 27 is officially the day that you begin dating a 10 piece chicken nuggets box. Congratulations. I’ll send you a card.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Save the date November 24, 2016.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
That plaid shirt is simply disgusting.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
That’s not your cat, it’s a raccoon. Put your glasses back on, Pisces.

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Ted Cruz allegedly seen picking up newly dry cleaned Zodiac Killer costume

By: Katrina Penaflor
Managing Editor

In a mom-and-pop dry cleaners in Dallas, Texas, it has been reported—and I use the term reported very loosely—that a man looking oddly similar to Ted Cruz was seen picking up some sort of Zodiac Killer-esque costume on May 5.

The costume, which may or may not be just an oversized black hoodie, was washed by an employee named Robin.

“I was given very specific directions by the man who placed the order to not remove the Cruz 2016 button from the garment. I tried to tell the man it would affect the cleaning, and that Cruz had recently ended his campaign, but he said, ‘leave it on, dammit,’” Robin said.

Robin was unfortunately unable to identify the man beyond saying he had brown hair. When asked what name was left on the order form, Robin showed a copy and under “name” it read “noT the ZoDiaC KiLleR.”

The second eyewitness, who wishes to be unnamed for obvious reasons, said Cruz entered the dry cleaner wearing a white button down shirt that definitely needed to be tailored, and when he exited the establishment he had the black cloak on and was wearing black framed glasses.

“That’s when I knew it was the Zodiac Killer,” he said. “I also saw him get in a gold minivan that was driven by a blonde woman in a pink pant suit. She even got out of the car and yelled at him to hurry up.”

Another Cruz spotting, which can definitely not be confirmed because I overheard two teenage boys talking about it while I waited in line at McDonald’s, said Cruz was also seen earlier that morning at a nearby Party City.

He allegedly asked an employee where their costume selection was, and quickly grew furious when he discovered they had sold out of their adult size large Zodiac Killer costumes.

He left the store in a rage, accidently punching and elbowing multiple employees and shoppers in the face on his way out.

Contact the author at journalmanaging@wou.edu or on Twitter @JournalKatrina

The Western Howl

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Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
I’ve got a special treat for you this week, Aries. Orange mocha frappuccinos!

Taurus 4/20-5/20
There is a very adorable caterpillar in your pocket.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
The moons be dancin’ and singin’ in your favor, Gemini. You will not be hungover on May 14.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
My recommendation for you, Cancer, is to only buy Vlasic brand pickles from here on out.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Piff the magic dragon.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
You think you’re an Evian, Virgo, but you’re really more like a Dasani or an off-brand generic bottle of water.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Libra, the moon told me she burned her toast this morning and the char looked just like your face.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You will be attacked by a garbage squirrel in front of the WUC. Totally unavoidable.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
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Capricorn 12/22-1/19
A falcon will fly into your window at 5 p.m. this Sunday. Her name is Emma and she will be glorious.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
All Aquarians remind me of my uncle Rodger. Cool guy.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
It was Vanessa Hudgens. She did it.

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

Horoscopes

Student chooses actual “arm and a leg” option for payment of student loans

Dasani to rename themselves “America’s Best Tap Water” until November election

Horoscopes

Ted Cruz allegedly seen picking up newly dry cleaned Zodiac Killer costume

Horoscopes

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