Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The perfect horoscope doesn’t exi-… oh wait, Sagittarius knows what’s up. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] We are but specks of dust to the universe. Live life inconsequentially. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] The stars watched as you did homework for a full two minutes, opened a new tab, and started looking for hotels and flights for a spontaneous vacay. Stay focused, Gemini. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] -_- < 😀 [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Treat yourself! Go make yourself some skillet potatoes. You will never regret it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Don’t forget to eat breakfast. Otherwise you’re gonna be that one kid whose stomach rumbles really loudly in class and you’ll play it off really awkwardly like, “what was that noise??” but in reality we literally all heard it come from your stomach, Virgo. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] Don’t look at the stars like that, Libra. We didn’t tell you to start your essay at 11 p.m. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] You’re already procrastinating on your homework, Scorpio? You really are on another level. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] The stars demand that you get more than five hours of sleep this week. But this is definitely one of those “do as we say, not as we do” moments… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Remember that movie “Surf’s Up” with all those penguin surfers? Me neither. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Way to keep up with all your work this first week Aquarius! Now you only have 10 mo— wait, where are you going? Aquarius?! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Just because there is a free big gulp behind 7-Eleven doesn’t mean you should take it, Pisces. [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Christmas sweaters are so last year, Aries. It’s time to put the sweaters away. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Hey Taurus, lets just pretend 2018 never happened. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Look, Gemini. We tell you your horoscope EVERY WEEK. And what do we get in return? Literally not even so much as a THANK YOU CARD? 2019 is the year of reciprocity. Maybe think about giving back to the stars who devote so much time to you… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Set your alarm clock one hour before you have to get up, we know it will take you that long to decide it’s worth it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] NOOOOOooOOOOooooOooOOOoOOOoo0oooo. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] The stars suggest you make your resolution include something about actually attending class this year. Or nah. You do you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars have a resolution for you, Libra: try actually listening to us this year. Not that you’ll stick to it. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] The stars almost forgot to submit your horoscope this week, Scorpio. Big mood, right? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] New year, new term, new you, right? Wrong! You know you’re still the same stone cold fox you always have been, Sagittarius. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] School’s back. Time to learn how to read and write again, Capricorn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] New Year’s resolutions are a nice way to fix regrettable decisions made on New Year’s Eve. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] I know all that small talk over the holidays killed your soul but get ready, there’s more! New classes love small talk and small talk loves to crush your soul. Enjoy <3 [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] Everything is fine. It definitely wasn’t a bad idea to start all your assignments for your online class during finals week. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Power through, Taurus. Pain is temporary, grades are forever. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] One more final ‘til freedom. We believe in you. YOU’VE GOT THIS. *Insert studying montage with “The Final Countdown” by Europe playing in the background* [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Let’s play a drinking game. For every procrastinated assignment this term, take a drink! Yep, that’s all there is to it, but that’s all it will take. (Note: The stars want you to please drink responsibly). [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] You can make cooked bread by carefully inserting raw bread into a toaster. Make sure to have adult supervision. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Are you ready to head back home for break? Don’t you just miss the family time, the home cooked meals, the curfews, the chores, the barrage of questioning and the overly-loud family get togethers? Feels good to be home. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars think it’s a good time to remind you that multiple cups of caffeinated beverages do not technically count as a meal. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Cereal is not a type of soup, and anyone trying to tell you that is a liar. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Pro tip: playing holiday music while you study makes finals week merrier. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″]Cereal IS a type of soup, and anyone trying to tell you otherwise is a liar. Live your best life, Capricorn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Brain. Fried. Wake the stars up in three weeks when Winter Term starts. We need our break, too. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] FINALS. FINALS. FINALS. SO BUSY, HALF OF THE STAFF FORGOT TO DO THEIR HOROSCOPES KINDA FINALS. INCLUDING. PISCES. BUT NICE JOB, NONETHELESS! [/fruitful_tab]

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] It’s time to put the leftovers down and do the twenty assignments you put off and said you would do during Thanksgiving break. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Taurus, you were supposed to buy some Christmas gifts for family and friends on Black Friday, not just gifts for yourself. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] The stars are studying for finals, don’t bother us! [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Post-dinner thought: What if in an alternate universe turkeys hunt and overeat us once a year in the name of the holidays??? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Memory foam pillows are the best… weapons to use in a pillow fight. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Nothin’ quite gets you ready and pumped for your final like sitting down in soaking wet shoes and drenched hair from the rain. Better pack that extra pair of socks (preferably the ones with doggos on them, the stars think those are fun). [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] ‘Tis the season to go broke if you want to get presents for everyone on time, Libra. Or don’t. Choose wisely. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] Deleting your old Instagram photos doesn’t count as self care, Scorpio. Stop making things up. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] It’s your season, Sagittarius! Make the most of it. Channel that powerful celestial energy into your unreasonably long papers that are almost due. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Make sure to triple check your double check on what time and day your finals are, Capricorn. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Yes Aquarius, we saw you write a “totally unique” poem to your girlfriend on Christmas that also spells out SEND NOODS in the first letter of each line. I did it last year…and the year before that. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] IT’S ALMOST YOUR TIME, PISCES. TIME TO PREP YOUR BIRTHDAY MONTH. BUT LET’S NOT MAKE THAT MISTAKE AGAIN, IT WAS A BAD LOOK. [/fruitful_tab]
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This week in completely made up horoscopes

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[fruitful_tab title=”Aries 3/21-4/19″] The stars foresee a large number of leftovers in your near future. Maybe you could hook us up with some mashed potatoes. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Taurus 4/20-5/20″] Remember Taurus, it’s never too late or too early to take a nap. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Gemini 5/21-6/20″] Happy Thanksgiving, Gemini. Pull out the stretchy pants — we’re eating a WEIRD amount of green bean casserole. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Cancer 6/21-7/22″] Can no one see what is happening here… I guess that’s fine given the current brain activity used elsewhere. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Leo 7/23-8/22″] Pikachu or Eevee. Decisions, decisions… [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Virgo 8/23-9/22″] Your procrastination is gettin’ preeetty intense, Virgo. You should probably do something about that. At some point. Whenever you get around to it. Or not. Whatever. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Libra 9/23-10/22″] The stars say your Thanksgiving dinner should be the food equivalent of ‘go big or go home.’ [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Scorpio 10/23-11/21″] You really should buy the stars a new computer, Scorpio. We do a lot for you. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Sagittarius 11/22-12/21″] Hey Sagittarius, your mom keeps calling us and asking for your Christmas list. You really need to start working on that. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Capricorn 12/22-1/19″] Dead week is upon us… the due date for all the work you’ve put off since Week 1 is approaching… yeah, you’re on your own. [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Aquarius 1/20-2/18″] Now comes the biggest decision of your life Aquarius: do you fill your plate up for 3rds of mash potatoes and gravy, or save room for the eventual pie? [/fruitful_tab]

[fruitful_tab title=”Pisces 2/19-3/20″] Ahh, end of term. Time to make a second home in the library. [/fruitful_tab]
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Humor: Night of the living dead mascots

Lake Larsen | Sports Editor

Western has never been good at commitment. In the 156 year history of the school, Western has been called by six different names. While the name changes actually represented the changes in the school’s curriculum, Western’s changes in other areas show an attempt to try to be “hip” and “cool.”

These were the changes of the mascot on campus. But calling these creatures “mascots” is kind of a disgrace to the term, as Western’s previous attempts at a mascot can best be described as terrifying and hellacious.

Prior to 1980, the only thing resembling a mascot was a stuffed wolf with terrifying fangs. Typically a mascot is cute, fun or strong. Instead, the students at Oregon College of Education were represented by a hellhound that would more likely be seen tearing the face off a child than cheering on a sports team.

In 1981 Western Oregon State College attempted a real mascot. Emphasis on the term “attempted.” The head of the beast named Waldo was made from paper maché and the lost soul of a demon. His body looked closer to a cross between a gorilla and freakishly large dog. Thanks for the nightmares, WOSC.

1987 to 1991 saw the best mascot ever to bequeath the campus in Monmouth. It was a real live Alaskan Malamute. He had two different colored eyes, a gorgeous coat of fur, and, while I didn’t personally know him, can only assume he was the goodest boy.

1988 was the return of nightmare fuel on the WOSC campus. The next version of Waldo looked more cuddly than before and actually had a cute face with light grey fur. However, don’t look too closely into the eyes of this demon in disguise. His eyes are as black as the void and probably are home to the students of past years that never made it out of finals week with their sanity.

1994 took a turn for WOSC and instead of designing the mascot after the embodiment of fear, they went for pure stupidity. Waldo 3.0 had an enormous snout with a foot long tongue hanging out of the side of its mouth. Looking at the bright red, floppy tongue only brings up one question: “why?”

1999 brought home a mascot that honestly wasn’t awful. This new wolf was still roaming around the campus nearly 20 years later.

However, by 2015 Wolfie had definitely seen better days. His fur looked closer to a shag carpet that had been worn out for years. His eyes were matted over and were as dead as every student in an 8 a.m. class.

2016 was the birth of the current Wolfie. This Wolfie is actually cute, not terrifying. Strong, not stupid. Fun, not horrifying. So, I guess, thank you Wolfie for actually being normal and not a demon or a dunce.

 

Contact the author at llarsen13@mail.wou.edu

Photo courtesy of Denise Visuaño