Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: What’s driving the signs mad?

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Beets.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

When there aren’t any Uber Eats couriers in the area. 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

a s—-y wifi connection 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

A milkshake, it’s bringing all these boys to my yard and idk why

Leo 7/23-8/22

existing

Virgo 8/23-9/22

My plants keep dying and I don’t know what to do anymore

Libra 9/23-10/22

The fact that it’s March again?? Disgusting

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Shoes that look like rats

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Waiting for the WandaVision finale….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

ya know, life

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Potatoes that aren’t baked to perfection

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Most times I find the end of the term bittersweet. Not this time.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: The signs as trending twitter hashtags

Aries 3/21-4/19  

#ballsdeep

Taurus 4/20-5/20

#gamersforgod

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

#babysfirstlawsuit

Cancer 6/21-7/22

#jarjarbinkssithlord

Leo 7/23-8/22

#BettyWhite

Virgo 8/23-9/22

#mydearestcop

Libra 9/23-10/22

#itsajokechill

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

#pogchamp

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

#howlaboutit

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

#taylorlautnersback

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

#freebritney

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

#cry

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Random!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

We used to live in an electric world

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Avatar: the Last Airbender IS anime. Argue with the wall

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

hehehe

Cancer 6/21-7/22

I’m getting more depressed by the second, let’s wrap this up

Leo 7/23-8/22

I miss you debbie come back

Virgo 8/23-9/22

This is your final warning.

Libra 9/23-10/22

If I see one more WOU student that I know on my TikTok fyp I will scream

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Do: watch a cooking show

Don’t: go to school

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

F–K YOU GABI

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

sorry i was busy playing a game abt ghosts and cults, what did you say?

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

*f a l s e*

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

“I hate to say it but I think I’m getting too old”

Booze & reviews: “Valentine’s Day”

A comedic romance in the perspective of three drunken reviewers

Kyle Morden | Head Designer

Allison Vanderzanden | Lifestyle Editor

Sydney Carpenter | News Editor

“Valentine’s Day” may not have scored high on Rotten Tomatoes, but it sure makes for a great drunk movie night. Read our full reviews in our online issue, which may contain spoilers. Please drink responsibly.

Kyle Morden | Head Designer

This needs to be put out there. If Allie doesn’t say this, SHE IS PISSING WHILE WRITING THIS> 

Love, cheating, thriller, jason, harry styles, queen beyonce, and valentines day — a day full of lonely a– b—–s who somehow get a love interest by the end of the day?? EVEN THIS LITTLE A– 7 YEAR OLD GETS HIS ONWN MOTHER BACK?? “Lmao im 7 and love sick” B—H WHAT ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWSEFERSFDRSGFDRGFGFRGdfgfsjhfvsgfsjhghkjfbvdjkbfhjsdbhjvhbfhbhjvbjnkvbjnkfnk?????????fjkhsgjcgkhhbjkhjkgfbgjfhgfxhjgyibfhhsdjkbzakuhks. Btw. military families amitire? Love em. Thank god that military mom came back for her son. Btw tbh i only remember the actors name (bradley cooper hit me up)

Valentines day is a day where a lot of people get f—-d (up to your interpretation uwu)

Ok ok so “valentine’s day” a movie full of twist and turns and sharkboy and lavagirl — without the lava girl and shark. How the f–k do you get two taylors into one movie??? LET ALONE HAVE THEM DATE EACH OTHER??????????????????????

ANNIE HATHAWAT IS OKAY WITH PEOPLE WITH FETISHES, BUT BACK OFF. SHES MINE. SO IS BRADLEY COOPER — HE LOVES ME. B—H

I accidentally deleted my last paragraph, so go watch this movie yourself.

GAY COUPLES ARE THE ONLY COUPLES. ALSO DONT F—–G GROUP ALLIE WITH ME. SHES CRAZy. She said shes rolling, but idk if she means the drug or literally rolling on the floor? Dont do drugs, drink responsibly

How much do i need to type? I dont remember a word count. I KNOW HOW TO FINISH THIS.

Overall review: Let’s get naked~ uwu

Slide into my dms @_kylemorden on instagram 😉

Or contact the author at chealy16@wou.edu

Allison Vanderzanden | Lifestyle Editor

Okay first of all i was NOT too into this movie i was just having fun. MY ROOMMATE was into it tho

I would like to preface my review with the fact that i know none of the characters names, only taylor and taylor. I am inept when it comes to celebrities

Rotten tomatoes is WRONG, I had an AMAZING time watching this movie even though I was really confused. Who’s at the airport??? Whos barely legal in high school??? I could not tell you I could not

But listen. Really. It’s a fun movie to watch drunk. Tbh itd probably be Bad if I was not intoxicated. But it was cute! It was nice! There was representation! Gay men and single mums! We support them all!!! GAY BRADLEY COOPER!!!!!!!

Even through the confusion i was extremely satisfied w/ the ending. Through the MULTIPLE PG-13 sex scenes, there was still a sweet undertone where everyone got a happy ending uwu Not that I shouvlde expected ANY less from a 2010 rom com. Google “romcom drinking games” and watch this movie, you’ll have a fantastic time.

Contact the author at avanderzanden19@mail.wou.edu or don;t

Sydney Carpenter | News Editor

Okay so this what I got from this, please note this is my first time being drunk in my life. There were a lot of straight people but at some point we were gay and it was beautiful. I’m convinced all of these people were stunt doubles cause there absolutely no way all these famous people got together. The stunt doubles failed to give me wolf man and sharkboy there was sex scenes sometimes which was fine but i wasn’t really paying attention because I was busy eating my chili fries there was a little boy with a lot of angst for no reason over a cougar woman In conclustion roses are expensive af, and this mans was throwing them in the lake to feed ducks and thats acceptable.  THE MILITARY MOM CAME BACK AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. Im going to bed 

Dont email me, i wont’ reply email thank you

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Romantic Advice!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Gyrating hips.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Have you read Killing Stalking? It had a lot of helpful tips

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Don’t change who you are as a person just to please a crush

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Sometimes, in life and in love, risks must be taken.

Leo 7/23-8/22

Find a sugar daddy on Omegle and call it a day

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Romance is dead. Lie in your grave

Libra 9/23-10/22

Idk Mercury is in retrograde or something, good luck I guess

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Honestly just shoot your shot, the worst thing that can happen is they say ‘no,’ right?

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

get drunk and watch a movie with your partner, RESPONSIBLY

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

You don’t have to be in a relationship right now to know your self worth, let life progress naturally. You might be surprised what comes your way.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Listen to boyfriend ASMR in the dark and pretend that you’re not lonely

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Most times love will lead to tears. I cry everyday anyway so it’s worth the risk.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Stressing Tips / How To Stress

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Call your parents and tell them you’re pregnant

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Get married at 21

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Run through various scenarios in your head that’re completely implausible

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Forget about your midterms until 4 hours before they’re due

Leo 7/23-8/22

Take a depression nap and leave all your work till the last minute

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Unfocus your eyes and look into a corner. The faceless old woman will appear.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Be a student at WOU. Work multiple jobs for minimum wage. Call it good.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Realise you hate your major but can’t change it

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Make a mess or something

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Personally, I’m a sucker for losing really important items

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Look at your bank account

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Energy drinks are not breakfast.

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: De-stressing tips!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

A clean work space equates to a clean mind

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Sleep, just go to sleep.

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

go for a run or walk, the pain u feel in ur lungs will make u forget abt stress 🙂

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Take a break from your tasks to do something you love

Leo 7/23-8/22

Spray some oils

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Dig a hole in your garden. You know what to do next :D.

Libra 9/23-10/22

Honestly just sit in an empty room and scream. Or it can be a full room. Doesn’t matter.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Meditate for an hour or so

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Go out and experience nature. Maybe be one with nature? Meow?

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Eat a gallon of ice cream (unless you’re lactose intolerant then idk)

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I hear breaking things is all the rage right now

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Cry (no literally, it actually helps to release your stress)