This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Giving advice to new students!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Drop out.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Pedialyte. Lots of pedialyte. Hydration station.  

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Use last year’s essays.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Go to community college first—oh wait

Leo 7/23-8/22

Join clubs, go to social events, make connections with professors, get an internship, get a job. All at once. You totally will not burn out extremely trying to please everyone.

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Coffee is your best friend. Literally, you’re not gonna survive without her. 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Befriend people. Many people. Date everyone you meet.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

C’s get degrees. …or is it D’s, idk

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

College is more about the experience than actual learning. Skipping classes is totally fine as long as you’re out living life to the fullest.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Start budgeting, you’ll probably have to survive a couple months with only $13 dollars at least twice.

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Summer is over. Accept it and embrace Fall so you can enjoy it!

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Get some food in your stomach before/while drinking so you can drink more

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