The Signs as things you’d leave in an Uber
Aries: a Spongebob golf ball
Taurus: The phone number of their enemy
Gemini: intentionally leaves behind trash they didn’t want to take care of
Cancer: phone.
Leo: their friends
Virgo: a pair of shoes
Libra: Used hotdog wrapper with dried mustard
Scorpio: Your dignity
Sagittarius: Chapstick
Capricorn: Spends ten minutes checking they didn’t forget anything
Aquarius: All of their luggage
Pisces: A CD of “Weird Al” Yankovic
The signs while playing Monopoly
Aries: Gets into a fight with the Sagittarius
Taurus: Pretends to not know what’s going on, but is actually weirdly good
Gemini: “Yahtzee!”
Cancer: Cheats their way to winning
Leo: still deciding which piece to use because they don’t want the others to feel bad
Virgo: unbelievably rich
Libra: Takes jail wayyyy too seriously
Scorpio: eats the dice when they don’t get the roll they want
Sagittarius: Fistfighting everyone for the Dog piece
Capricorn: Obsesses over the relative value of the color groups
Aquarius: Yells whenever any other player does anything
Pisces: Falls asleep
The Signs in High School
Aries: The class clown
Taurus: Major procrastinator that somehow has a 4.0
Gemini: the kid nobody likes
Cancer: the “high and mighty” football player
Leo: Cheer Captain
Virgo: band kid for lyfe
Libra: Friends with everyone, best friends with no one
Scorpio: That one goth that’s weirdly good at sports
Sagittarius: Naruto running down the halls
Capricorn: bro that plays music out loud down the hall
Aquarius: Runs for class president every year and never makes it
Pisces: Scene kid who only takes art electives
The Signs’ Halloween Costumes
Aries: Lady Gaga dressing up as Lady Gaga
Taurus: The Queen of Hearts
Gemini: probably some version of Chappell Roan
Cancer: An inflatable shark costume
Leo: Birthday suit
Virgo: Knight armor that they smithed themselves
Libra: The Lorax who in fact speaks for the trees
Scorpio: A dark, brooding shadow daddy
Sagittarius: Peter Pan because they’ll never grow up
Capricorn: Octavius from Night at the Museum
Aquarius: Jedediah from Night at the Museum
Pisces: A hippy grandma that smells like pee
The Signs responding to a 2 A.M. “you up?” text
Aries: Notification wakes them up, leaves it on read
Taurus: Is up watching TikTok but doesn’t answer
Gemini: too busy stealing stop signs to respond
Cancer: “I’m already here… check the closet ;)”
Leo: No.
Virgo: definitely awake doing their seasonal midnight deep-clean
Libra: Yep playing minecraft
Scorpio: “only if you agree to be my sacrifice”
Sagittarius: can’t answer because they lost their phone somewhere
Capricorn: phone is on DND
Aquarius: The one who sends the “you up” text
Pisces: Nope avoids that completely
This signs past life:
Aries: A war leader who forced their way into the front line.
Taurus: Chef of a Mediterranean/Canadian fusion restaurant.
Gemini: Magician who accidentally sets the stage on fire.
Cancer: A Shark whose pescetarian
Leo: A motivational speaker who is not so motivating.
Virgo: Chemist who is trying to morph an Oreo and a hotdog.
Libra: Detective who steals the food from the crime scenes.
Scorpio: Professional rock thrower.
Sagittarius: Celebrity who said the wrong thing in an interview and got canceled for it.
Capricorn: A black cat named Okra.
Aquarius: An architect who adds pointless elevators to every one-story building.
Pisces: Angry poet who writes about past relationships when they were the problem.
The Signs in a horror movie:
Aries: Decides to argue with the killer instead of trying to escape
Taurus: Dies while leaving their hiding spot to find a snack
Gemini: killed mid-yap
Cancer: frat bro who dresses up as the killer to scare people
Leo: Sacrifices friend to save themself
Virgo: survives, but at what cost?
Libra: The geek that thinks they’re smarter than everyone
Scorpio: Befriends the killer
Sagittarius: The dumb cheerleader that dies first
Capricorn: The real killer
Aquarius: Survives by making a flamethrower out of perfume and a lighter
Pisces: The supposed killer
The Western Howl Staff
S
A
B
C
D
F
TRASH CAN
The signs and their mascots
Aries: trembling chihuahua
Taurus: shark 🙂
Gemini: a very two-faced fox
Cancer: KILLER whale
Leo: Lion
Virgo: Snapping turtle
Libra: ugly wolfie from the 90s
Scorpio: black cat named Okra
Sagittarius: elvis presley impersonator
Capricorn: Oscar the Grouch
Aquarius: octopus
Pisces: Shellsea from fishhooks
The Signs’ favorite class
Aries: philosophy, so I can say my inner thoughts and still sound smart
Taurus: Lunch hour
Gemini: animal psychology because it’s cooler than regular psychology
Cancer: nap time… like in preschool
Leo: recess!
Virgo: gender studies
Libra: art history…
Scorpio: the one your mom teaches
Sagittarius: Sex Ed
Capricorn: Cliterature
Aquarius: psychology so I can finally understand what’s wrong with me
Pisces: Music
WESTERN OREGON UNIVERSITY
345 Monmouth Ave. N.
Monmouth OR 97361
503-838-8000 | 1-877-877-1593