Humor – Page 3 – The Western Howl

The signs go on a date…

Aries: silently takes notes to debrief with the besties later

Taurus: kum n go

Gemini: immediately exposes all of their red flags

Cancer: Falls in love after being shown the absolute bare minimum

Leo: has a mental breakdown and goes home.

Virgo: Canceled last minute, berates themselves for making plans on a sacred friday evening

Libra: goes way over the top and overwhelms their date

Scorpio: Oh the date went well? Time to rent the U-Haul

Sagittarius: Date so crazy our first stop was couple’s counseling

Capricorn: *stuffs breadsticks into pockets*

Aquarius: doesn’t make it through the door

Pisces: I’m way overdressed for hotdogs in the park

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This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The signs walk into a bar…

Aries: orders a shirley temple… extra cherries

Taurus: Immediately turns around because the bartender is cute

Gemini: tries to charm the bartender for free drinks (and fails)

Cancer: sees a man and walks out…

Leo: is this the punch line?

Virgo: Walks right back out

Libra: wonders which of the people they should stare at the whole night

Scorpio: “…ouch.”

Sagittarius: If they play Taylor Swift I’m going to throw hands and drinks

Capricorn: drunk crying in the bathroom all night

Aquarius: avoids eye contact with everyone

Pisces: Home! Sweet Home!

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This week is completely made up horoscopes

The Signs Snowed-in

Aries: sleeping for 12 hours straight

Taurus: debating on redownloading dating apps due to boredom

Gemini: on the fourth rewatch of Grey’s Anatomy

Cancer: Rearranging my room for the 100th time

Leo: losing my mind.

Virgo: ate shit on the ice trying to take out trash

Libra: Finally getting to that tbr list

Scorpio: I’m running out of canned soup and conversation topics with my cats

Sagittarius: no longer on speaking terms with my roommate

Capricorn: Reading smut books and overcaffeinated

Aquarius: Rotting with my video games

Pisces: makes a playlist so they can stare off into the distance

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

The signs go home for Thanksgiving:

Aries: All I need are my cats and a mega-pint of wine

Taurus: If I hear one more comment about my “holey” jeans I’m going to stuff myself into the turkey

Gemini: STUFFING IS DISGUSTING… and no one can change my mind

Cancer: Currently making a mashed potato mountain with gravy lava— I’m the family disappointment

Leo: laughing really hard at my grandparents homophobic jokes so I stay in the will

Virgo: The in-laws keep using decorative towels as napkins and I’m losing it

Libra: Time to retell the story of how my ex and I broke up for the millionth time

Scorpio: pretending I’m vegan so I don’t have to eat mom’s God awful turkey

Sagittarius: Shoving the whole bread roll in my mouth to avoid throwing it at my uncle

Capricorn: talking to a few people and then secretly taking a plate into the bathroom

Aquarius: Trying not to make eye-contact with my cousin during the family prayer so we don’t start laughing

Pisces: Avoiding eye-contact and only hanging out with the family dog

The Western Howl

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

Aries: buying half price candy and advil at the drugstore

Taurus: saw the opportunity to run away last night and hasn’t been seen since

Gemini: already making a Pinterest board for next year’s fit

Cancer: still sleeping on the lawn after trying to connect with their inner moon child

Leo: putting up Christmas decorations

Virgo: to-do list was finished like three hours ago, superiority complex fulfilled

Libra: cleaning up after everyone else

Scorpio: Mariah Carey currently on defrost

Sagittarius: Clearance shopping Halloween decor

Capricorn: getting ready for their birthdays

Aquarius: sleeping until December

Pisces: hungover covered in candy wrappers.

The Western Howl

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

Here’s what the signs are doing for the spooky season:

Aries: Taking out their anger with a pumpkin and carving tools.

Taurus: Why would I walk around to get candy when I could just doordash it? At home, in bed.

Gemini: having more fun getting ready for parties than the actual parties

Cancer: dressing as a clown and scaring kids to make them drop their candy

Leo: Going to parties as a Canvas to-do list so maybe she’ll finally look at me

Virgo: doing the 24 hour challenge at Spirit Halloween

Libra: Spending all of Halloweekend deciding which scary movie to watch

Scorpio: Calling their mom because they got lost in the corn maze

Sagittarius: Doing homework while crying.

Capricorn: Probably working, take a break ya psycho.

Aquarius: Plotting the best route for optimal candy collection… and finding a kid to go with as an excuse.

Pisces: Not invited to parties, plotting revenge.

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The signs are ready for the school year to be over

Aries: Screaming into the crusty dorm carpet during their “floor time”

Taurus: Hating group projects, talking to people, listening to people, interacting with people… people.

Gemini: Being asked to put your phone away in class won’t stop your eight hours of daily screen time, but at least they tried.

Cancer: Wanting to go home and cry in the bathtub with a glass of red wine after every school day does not make me an alcoholic

Leo: I’m tired of being the bigger person — time to ghost my group members the way they ghosted me.

Virgo: You should totally go get a little sweet treat.

Libra: Please DO NOT go to Claire’s to get an impulsive piercing. Please.

Scorpio: Staying in bed all of 2024… Starting now

Sagittarius: What a year this week has been.

Capricorn: I’m gonna do what’s called a “pro-gamer move” *has a panic attack*

Aquarius: How many classes can I skip without my professor noticing? The answer is probably none.

Pisces: Screaming at video games instead of doing homework isn’t a personality trait

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Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

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This week in entirely made up horoscopes

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

This week is completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The signs are ready for the school year to be over

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