Aries 3/21-4/19
100 percent the answer to your question is vodka. (I’m contractually obligated to assert this horoscope is for readers 21+.)

Taurus 4/20-5/20
A mysterious box will arrive at your door tomorrow, Taurus. I advise you to take everything that’s inside, but leave the Troll doll that was clearly given a haircut by a five-year-old with safety scissors.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Tomorrow at lunch you’ll receive a bread roll that looks extremely similar to a vagina. This is your new lucky charm. Seriously, Jupiter told me. I can’t make this sh– up. But then again, these horoscopes are completely made up … so, I guess I can.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Vanilla wafer.

Leo 7/23-8/22
We get it, Leo, you’re a hipster. Please stop serving people deconstructed dinners on dust pans and unsanded blocks of wood.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
#avocadotoast #encryptedpromproposal #Wolfieontheloose #earlymorningcardio #detoxtea #wanderlust

Libra 9/23-10/22
The stars are all over the place for you this week, Libra. I spy a vacation coming up. And by vacation, I mean a low-budget trip, and by low-budget trip, I mean you’ll have to time to drive over to Salem tomorrow.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You received incredibly high ratings on Yelp this week, Scorpio. One reviewer said, “Handshakes are definitely above par.”

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, the question you asked the universe last week was “how many cats are too many?” Seven. Seven cats are WAY too many.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
I’ve exhausted all my horoscopes pertaining to you being pregnant, Capricorn. So, here’s a riddle: what has four legs, four arms, two sets of eyes, and two mouths—but only for nine months?

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I know it’s a rough situation, Aquarius. Believe me, I’ve been there. But you cannot prevent the grilled cheeses from burning on Thursday. No way around it, just order a pizza.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
For the next week your diet will consist entirely of those cheese crackers with the peanut butter in them and Gardetto’s rye chips.