Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19 

i’m not even learning anything anymore what am I doing here

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

brb gonna…not be here

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Letting other people have the spotlight doesn’t mean you’re completely off stage.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

My favorite time of day is when I get to go to bed

 

Leo 7/23-8/22 

el gato :’((((( el gato :-(((((

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Buy yourself some flowers 🙂

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

there’s something special about the shame of buying off-brand

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Why don’t you paint a little picture for yourself?

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

dead inside but still down to party 

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Aggressively helpful…. Not bossy.

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

No think.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Get a tattoo, you deserve it

Horoscopes! issue 22

Aries 3/21-4/19 

Love and affection. Don’t touch me.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Dairy, but that won’t stop me from eating a block of cheese

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Boring people. Surround yourself with interesting characters not NPCs that spew filler language.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Anything and everything in the air. I can’t stop sneezing 5 times in a row.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22 

soy, dairy, nuts, peanuts, gluten, eggs, mint, sorghum, buckwheat and happiness 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Tap water

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Among us tattoos give me a rash

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Being unpopular

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

homework

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Slow comput- *BUFFERING*

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

idiots.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

tears, it’s why i’m constantly crying

 

Horoscopes!

Aries 3/21-4/19 

It’s getting too warm to wear fuzzy sweaters and I am livid

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Already drinking too much coffee every day and it’s only week 2

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Predicting the future by writing the horoscope for your own sign does not actually work

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Treat yo self and go buy those shoes you’ve been looking at

 

Leo 7/23-8/22 

sdnfmdnfmd,fkhejhfjk.gldfjghf

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Give yourself a pat on the back.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

channeling my inner doja cat and quitting school forever

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

I hope your enemies have a mediocre day. 

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Four inch heels may be uncomfortable, but intimidating everyone you meet is definitely worth the pain

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Screaming should be socially acceptable.

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I am tired. 

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

instead of doing hw, make some themed playlists instead 🙂

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Halloween comfort movie!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Halloweentown! 🎃

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Nightmare Before Christmas

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Twitches

Cancer 6/21-7/22

IT — the original

Leo 7/23-8/22

Rocky Horror Picture Show 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Scary Godmother all the way, 10/10

Libra 9/23-10/22

Coraline 💀

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Casper

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Clue

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Beetlejuice — movie and the star

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Edward Scissorhands✂️

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Hocus Pocus

Crack up to these spooky jokes

Hilarious Halloween jokes to rattle the bones

The Western Howl Collective

With the Halloween holiday comes many things — costumes, decorations, scary movies and stories — but it also brings in the chance to tell some fun, themed jokes to make others laugh during the spooky season. Read on to find some funny Halloween jokes and puns we’ve compiled here at “The Western Howl.”

“Do you want to know how to get a significant other during Halloween? You make sure they’re screaming without the s.” 

“Are you a vampire? Cause you’re a pain in the neck.

“The maker of this product does not want it, the buyer does not use it, and the user does not see it. What is it? A coffin.”

“What did the ghost say to their psychiatrist? I used to be somebody.”

“What do you call two witches living together? Broommates.”

“How do you get rid of demons? Exorcise a lot.”

“Where is a skeleton the most ticklish? Their funny bone.”

“Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.”

“What’s it called when a ghost has trouble with his house? A grave problem.”

“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the scary movie? He didn’t have the guts.” 

“What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert? I-Scream!”


Compiled by The Western Howl staff

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Costumes the signs would wear!

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Pillow.

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Triangle guard from Squid Game

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Iconic gay couple. Both.

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Mojo Jojo from the Powerpuff Girls

Leo 7/23-8/22

Stormtrooper

Virgo 8/23-9/22

A wine mom, wine included

Libra 9/23-10/22

Either Beyoncé or an Ouija Board

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Mort from Madagascar

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

A T-Rex with a reach extender — unstoppable

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Sparkly shimmery vampire, complete with an open shirt

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

2002 “Dirrty” Christina Aguilara. Or just the chaps.

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Sexy bunny

Spoofy, silly, staff stories

The Howl staff shares some of their funny fall tales

The Western Howl Collective

October brings a holiday that many love to celebrate — Halloween. The month is filled with an assortment of spooky things — from movie marathons to quirky decorations to themed foods; nevertheless, no holiday is complete without its share of funny stories. Check out these howl-ingly funny tales from “The Western Howl” staff.

Cora McClain | Editor-in-Chief

Growing up, I had a relatively rich friend and trick-or-treating in her neighborhood was always the best. Four words: king sized candy bars. I would do anything for those candy bars, even trip over my own two feet, scraping up my knees and bleeding all over my costume… At least I got my king sized cookies and cream Hershey’s bar along with anxiety-inducing embarrassment. They don’t call it trick-or-treating for nothing.

Rylie Horrall | Managing Editor

A year or two ago, my mom and I were watching a scary movie. We do that every year and it’s become a fun tradition for us when I’m home around the holiday. Anyway, it was a very tense scene, we’re completely immersed with the lights off, the character on the screen was heading up to what’s probably a jumpscare so we’re leaning in. And then my brother comes around the corner and says “How’s the movie?” I screamed. Mom screamed. He yelped. Long story short, my brother is now extra cautious when he walks into the living room when something scary is on.

Stephanie Moschella | Digital Media Manager

Last Halloween my friends and I played “Little Hope” — well it was more like they played and I watched. I had already played this video game before, but I wanted to see how my friends and roommates fared. Well, long story short, I fell asleep about halfway through them playing the game. I was on one of the couches and my back was turned against the TV, but that didn’t stop any of them from screaming or yelling out loud. But it was fine since I got a pretty good nap. 

Mikayla Coleman | News Editor 

I grew up playing hours and hours of “LEGO Star Wars” with my dad on his Xbox 360. To earn the respect of my father, I decided to dress up as a stormtrooper for Halloween. My dad and Iwalked into Target, and there it was, the iconic costume, hanging halfway off the hanger in the little boys section. I was so excited, I didn’t bother to look at the tags.

It sat in the closet until the infamous day rolled around. I was psyched. I put the costume on and was sitting there thinking, “Oh, this is uncomfortable. This can’t be right.” But I begrudgingly went out on my trick-or-treating adventure around the neighborhood, feeling wedgied as all h–l, taking weird clomping steps up and down the sidewalk. 

It  took me a couple of years to understand that there was a cup in the crotch of my costume because it was made for little boys. RIP. 

Sarah Austin | Lifestyle Editor

Each year as September comes to an end, I make plans with my friends to go to a corn maze. It’s my favorite activity because we all go in and they think it will be cute and fun, but I like to add a twist. Yes, it’s me; that person running through the maze making creepy laughing noises or hiding to scare people. Even in the daylight.