Mount Hood

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The signs walk into a bar…

Aries: orders a shirley temple… extra cherries

Taurus: Immediately turns around because the bartender is cute

Gemini: tries to charm the bartender for free drinks (and fails)

Cancer: sees a man and walks out…

Leo: is this the punch line?

Virgo: Walks right back out

Libra: wonders which of the people they should stare at the whole night

Scorpio: “…ouch.”

Sagittarius: If they play Taylor Swift I’m going to throw hands and drinks

Capricorn: drunk crying in the bathroom all night

Aquarius: avoids eye contact with everyone

Pisces: Home! Sweet Home!

This week is completely made up horoscopes

The Signs Snowed-in

Aries: sleeping for 12 hours straight

Taurus: debating on redownloading dating apps due to boredom

Gemini: on the fourth rewatch of Grey’s Anatomy

Cancer: Rearranging my room for the 100th time

Leo: losing my mind.

Virgo: ate shit on the ice trying to take out trash

Libra: Finally getting to that tbr list

Scorpio: I’m running out of canned soup and conversation topics with my cats

Sagittarius: no longer on speaking terms with my roommate

Capricorn: Reading smut books and overcaffeinated

Aquarius: Rotting with my video games

Pisces: makes a playlist so they can stare off into the distance

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The signs go home for Thanksgiving:

Aries: All I need are my cats and a mega-pint of wine

Taurus: If I hear one more comment about my “holey” jeans I’m going to stuff myself into the turkey

Gemini: STUFFING IS DISGUSTING… and no one can change my mind

Cancer: Currently making a mashed potato mountain with gravy lava— I’m the family disappointment

Leo: laughing really hard at my grandparents homophobic jokes so I stay in the will

Virgo: The in-laws keep using decorative towels as napkins and I’m losing it

Libra: Time to retell the story of how my ex and I broke up for the millionth time

Scorpio: pretending I’m vegan so I don’t have to eat mom’s God awful turkey

Sagittarius: Shoving the whole bread roll in my mouth to avoid throwing it at my uncle

Capricorn: talking to a few people and then secretly taking a plate into the bathroom 

Aquarius: Trying not to make eye-contact with my cousin during the family prayer so we don’t start laughing

Pisces: Avoiding eye-contact and only hanging out with the family dog

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Aries: buying half price candy and advil at the drugstore

Taurus: saw the opportunity to run away last night and hasn’t been seen since

Gemini: already making a Pinterest board for next year’s fit

Cancer: still sleeping on the lawn after trying to connect with their inner moon child 

Leo: putting up Christmas decorations

Virgo: to-do list was finished like three hours ago, superiority complex fulfilled

Libra: cleaning up after everyone else

Scorpio: Mariah Carey currently on defrost

Sagittarius: Clearance shopping Halloween decor

Capricorn: getting ready for their birthdays

Aquarius: sleeping until December

Pisces: hungover covered in candy wrappers. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Here’s what the signs are doing for the spooky season:

Aries: Taking out their anger with a pumpkin and carving tools. 

Taurus: Why would I walk around to get candy when I could just doordash it? At home, in bed. 

Gemini: having more fun getting ready for parties than the actual parties

Cancer: dressing as a clown and scaring kids to make them drop their candy

Leo: Going to parties as a Canvas to-do list so maybe she’ll finally look at me

Virgo: doing the 24 hour challenge at Spirit Halloween

Libra: Spending all of Halloweekend deciding which scary movie to watch

Scorpio: Calling their mom because they got lost in the corn maze 

Sagittarius: Doing homework while crying.

Capricorn: Probably working, take a break ya psycho.

Aquarius: Plotting the best route for optimal candy collection… and finding a kid to go with as an excuse.

Pisces: Not invited to parties, plotting revenge. 

The signs are ready for the school year to be over

Aries: Screaming into the crusty dorm carpet during their “floor time”

Taurus: Hating group projects, talking to people, listening to people, interacting with people… people.

Gemini: Being asked to put your phone away in class won’t stop your eight hours of daily screen time, but at least they tried.

Cancer: Wanting to go home and cry in the bathtub with a glass of red wine after every school day does not make me an alcoholic

Leo: I’m tired of being the bigger person — time to ghost my group members the way they ghosted me.

Virgo: You should totally go get a little sweet treat. 

Libra: Please DO NOT go to Claire’s to get an impulsive piercing. Please. 

Scorpio: Staying in bed all of  2024… Starting now 

Sagittarius: What a year this week has been.

Capricorn: I’m gonna do what’s called a “pro-gamer move” *has a panic attack*

Aquarius: How many classes can I skip without my professor noticing? The answer is probably none. 

Pisces: Screaming at video games instead of doing homework isn’t a personality trait

This week in completely made up horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19 

i’m not even learning anything anymore what am I doing here


Taurus 4/20-5/20

brb gonna…not be here


Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Letting other people have the spotlight doesn’t mean you’re completely off stage.


Cancer 6/21-7/22

My favorite time of day is when I get to go to bed


Leo 7/23-8/22 

el gato :’((((( el gato :-(((((


Virgo 8/23-9/22

Buy yourself some flowers 🙂


Libra 9/23-10/22

there’s something special about the shame of buying off-brand


Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Why don’t you paint a little picture for yourself?


Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

dead inside but still down to party 


Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Aggressively helpful…. Not bossy.


Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

No think.


Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Get a tattoo, you deserve it