Mount Hood

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Voting

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Don’t want to hear you whining if you didn’t vote.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Are you ready to see another old white man as president again? 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

no you can’t split your vote like your personality

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Hold onto your butts.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Just buy a few houseplants to like, help the vibe out, you know? 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Don’t worry, next week’s issue will include destressing tips.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Wait, I was asleep. What happened? 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

If you didn’t vote, I hope you enjoy eternal darkness 🙂

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

No matter what happens, we have each other — stay strong!

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Ah, the elderly man contest, the most interesting time of year

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

By mail or booth, you best vote

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Vote, or else…

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Election Reactions

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

I never liked oranges anyways.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

The pink nippled community is at it again.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

lovely

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Everything is proceeding as I have foreseen.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Look! Another powdery old white man won the old white man contest. WHAT AN UPSET!

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’m blue da ba dee da ba daa

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

How ya doin’ champ? Go take a few laps and walk it off, we’ll be fine. 

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

They wigged the ewection uWu

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Are we saved?

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

you’re fired lol

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

I’m tired and I hate it here. 

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I didn’t look at my phone once last week. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Horoscopes from The Fly 

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

What if I just took a s—t right now.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

This is a nice spot for a nap.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Bruh why’d he stay so long, get out of there before his hair gel kills you!

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Don’t listen to that guy. He’s trying to lead you down the path of wickedness. I’m gonna lead you down the path that rocks!

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

He’s not real he’s definitely like a lizard or something

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

You know what they say flies are attracted to.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Thought I was landing on a snack, turned out it was a snake.

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Listen to “Fly on the Wall” by Miley Cyrus.

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

You better vote.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

At least I made him look even more like an idiot

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Oop, time for my 15 minutes of fame (⌐▨_▨)

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

I can see why the audience is empty.

This week in completely made up HORRORscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Theme: Halloween / Horror

 

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Wait … what’s that behind you? 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Nothing can scare you when you’re already dead. 

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

I’ve got something that’ll scare you: 4 midterms on the SAME DAY

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Kxpdq vrgd, L’p jrqqd gulqn lw olnh d shuvrq. (Caesar)

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Week five -shiver-

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Believe in the power of the Mothman. 

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

BOO

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

The real treasure is the demons we bring home from the journey

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

I wonder if squirrels can haunt you… I wish I was a squirrel.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

I have a message from the ghost that’s been following me since I was 12: he says ‘boo!’

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Spooky scary midterms send shivers down your mind.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

The only scary thing about halloween that I enjoy are the zombie shaped chocolates. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Gang gang. 

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Just … go back to sleep.

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

haven’t had coffee yet, pls don’t talk to me

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

Out on lunch break, will be back next week 

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

As the days get shorter, you become your true self. Embrace the dark, baby.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

No <3

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Some fish can walk out of water, but will they climb trees?

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Hey, I hope you have a wonderful day — you deserve it! Get out there and DEVOUR SOME AVOCADOS.

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Go to bed early tonight, treat yourself to at least 8 hours of sleep 🙂

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Is it just me, or is my FBI man listening a little too well?

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Go ahead and buy that extra sticker for your water bottle. You deserve it. 

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Who else is getting up at 6 a.m. to run? Just me?

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Let’s not and say we did…

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

Yeah, no I’m going back to bed, later.

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

Morsmordre!

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

FABULOUS JUST FABULOUS

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

Mercury is not in retrograde. You can blame Earth for your problems.

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

Have a lovely cup of tea and talk with a stranger

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

No Scorp…io

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

Contact the author at smartinez17@wou.edu

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Salad is just a vehicle for croutons, thanks for coming to my TED Talk

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Don’t mind me, just going to go casually have a breakdown in the men’s room, thanks.

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

“Suck it up and ask for help” – E.M. 2020

This week in completely made up horoscopes

The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19  

Sometimes staying up until 3am watching docuseries isn’t the best idea but go off.

 

Taurus 4/20-5/20

Astrology isn’t a lie and you should continue arguing with your parents about it. #fightthegoodfight

 

Gemini 5/21-6/20 

*eats popcorn while watching Taurus fight with their parents*

 

Cancer 6/21-7/22

We’ve come to burgle your turts.

 

Leo 7/23-8/22

My apocalypse bingo card has a bingo, what do I win?

 

Virgo 8/23-9/22

I’ll be going back to bed after morning Zoom meetings and you should too

 

Libra 9/23-10/22

If the stars align right hopefully I’ll be a millionaire by the 22nd

 

Scorpio 10/23-11/21 

Excuse me while I avoid my class meetings so I can continue to binge Netflix shows

 

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21

LET ME OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT pls 🙂 oh and don’t listen to capricorn 🙂

 

Capricorn 12/22-1/19

Welcome back everyone, good to see you. Oh wait ⏤ waiting…??????? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?

Side note: sagittarius is lying, you should def listen 🙂

 

Aquarius 1/20 – 2/18

Listen to a Virgo this week, for they are wise [(－－)]..zzZ

 

Pisces 2/19 – 3/20

Hey there delilah what’s it like there in 2021? Im 3 months away but tonight you look so pretty…

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