Humor

The Signs Snowed-in Aries: sleeping for 12 hours straight Taurus: debating on redownloading dating apps due to boredom Gemini: on the fourth rewatch of Grey’s Anatomy Cancer: Rearranging my room for the 100th time Leo: losing my mind. Virgo: ate shit on the ice trying to take out trash Libra: Finally getting to that tbr list Scorpio: I’m running out of canned soup and conversation topics with my cats Sagittarius: no longer on speaking terms with my roommate Capricorn: Reading smut books and overcaffeinated Aquarius: Rotting with my video games Pisces: makes a playlist so they can stare off into the...

The signs go home for Thanksgiving: Aries: All I need are my cats and a mega-pint of wine Taurus: If I hear one more comment about my “holey” jeans I’m going to stuff myself into the turkey Gemini: STUFFING IS DISGUSTING… and no one can change my mind Cancer: Currently making a mashed potato mountain with gravy lava— I’m the family disappointment Leo: laughing really hard at my grandparents homophobic jokes so I stay in the will Virgo: The in-laws keep using decorative towels as napkins and I’m losing it Libra: Time to retell the story of how my ex and I broke up for the millionth time Scorpio: pretending I’m vegan so I don’t have to eat mom’s God awful turkey Sagittarius: Shoving the whole bread roll in my mouth to avoid throwing it at my uncle Capricorn: talking to a few people and then secretly taking a plate into the bathroom  Aquarius: Trying not to make eye-contact with my cousin during the family prayer so we don’t start laughing Pisces: Avoiding eye-contact and only hanging out with the family...

Aries: buying half price candy and advil at the drugstore Taurus: saw the opportunity to run away last night and hasn’t been seen since Gemini: already making a Pinterest board for next year’s fit Cancer: still sleeping on the lawn after trying to connect with their inner moon child  Leo: putting up Christmas decorations Virgo: to-do list was finished like three hours ago, superiority complex fulfilled Libra: cleaning up after everyone else Scorpio: Mariah Carey currently on defrost Sagittarius: Clearance shopping Halloween decor Capricorn: getting ready for their birthdays Aquarius: sleeping until December Pisces: hungover covered in candy...

Here’s what the signs are doing for the spooky season: Aries: Taking out their anger with a pumpkin and carving tools.  Taurus: Why would I walk around to get candy when I could just doordash it? At home, in bed.  Gemini: having more fun getting ready for parties than the actual parties Cancer: dressing as a clown and scaring kids to make them drop their candy Leo: Going to parties as a Canvas to-do list so maybe she’ll finally look at me Virgo: doing the 24 hour challenge at Spirit Halloween Libra: Spending all of Halloweekend deciding which scary movie to watch Scorpio: Calling their mom because they got lost in the corn maze  Sagittarius: Doing homework while crying. Capricorn: Probably working, take a break ya psycho. Aquarius: Plotting the best route for optimal candy collection… and finding a kid to go with as an excuse. Pisces: Not invited to parties, plotting...

Aries: Screaming into the crusty dorm carpet during their “floor time” Taurus: Hating group projects, talking to people, listening to people, interacting with people… people. Gemini: Being asked to put your phone away in class won’t stop your eight hours of daily screen time, but at least they tried. Cancer: Wanting to go home and cry in the bathtub with a glass of red wine after every school day does not make me an alcoholic Leo: I’m tired of being the bigger person — time to ghost my group members the way they ghosted me. Virgo: You should totally go get a little sweet treat.  Libra: Please DO NOT go to Claire’s to get an impulsive piercing. Please.  Scorpio: Staying in bed all of  2024… Starting now  Sagittarius: What a year this week has been. Capricorn: I’m gonna do what’s called a “pro-gamer move” *has a panic attack* Aquarius: How many classes can I skip without my professor noticing? The answer is probably none.  Pisces: Screaming at video games instead of doing homework isn’t a personality...