What the Signs bring to Thanksgiving Aries: Literally everything Taurus: Turducken Gemini: half a bottle of wine and store-bought potato salad Cancer: The booze Leo: The drama Virgo: a really good but weird dessert nobody’s ever had before Libra: Burnt Mac and...
Humor
This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…
The Signs as things you’d leave in an Uber Aries: a Spongebob golf ball Taurus: The phone number of their enemy Gemini: intentionally leaves behind trash they didn’t want to take care of Cancer: phone. Leo: their friends Virgo: a pair of shoes Libra: Used...
This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…
The signs while playing Monopoly Aries: Gets into a fight with the Sagittarius Taurus: Pretends to not know what’s going on, but is actually weirdly good Gemini: “Yahtzee!” Cancer: Cheats their way to winning Leo: still deciding which piece to use because they don’t...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes
The Signs in High School Aries: The class clown Taurus: Major procrastinator that somehow has a 4.0 Gemini: the kid nobody likes Cancer: the “high and mighty” football player Leo: Cheer Captain Virgo: band kid for lyfe Libra: Friends with everyone, best friends with...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes…
The Signs’ Halloween Costumes Aries: Lady Gaga dressing up as Lady Gaga Taurus: The Queen of Hearts Gemini: probably some version of Chappell Roan Cancer: An inflatable shark costume Leo: Birthday suit Virgo: Knight armor that they smithed themselves Libra: The...
This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…
The Signs responding to a 2 A.M. “you up?” text Aries: Notification wakes them up, leaves it on read Taurus: Is up watching TikTok but doesn’t answer Gemini: too busy stealing stop signs to respond Cancer: “I’m already here… check the closet ;)” Leo:...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes…
This signs past life: Aries: A war leader who forced their way into the front line. Taurus: Chef of a Mediterranean/Canadian fusion restaurant. Gemini: Magician who accidentally sets the stage on fire. Cancer: A Shark whose pescetarian Leo: A...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes
The Signs in a horror movie: Aries: Decides to argue with the killer instead of trying to escape Taurus: Dies while leaving their hiding spot to find a snack Gemini: killed mid-yap Cancer: frat bro who dresses up as the killer to scare people Leo: Sacrifices friend to...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes…
The signs and their mascots Aries: trembling chihuahua Taurus: shark 🙂 Gemini: a very two-faced fox Cancer: KILLER whale Leo: Lion Virgo: Snapping turtle Libra: ugly wolfie from the 90s Scorpio: black cat named Okra Sagittarius: elvis presley impersonator ...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes
The Signs’ favorite class Aries: philosophy, so I can say my inner thoughts and still sound smart Taurus: Lunch hour Gemini: animal psychology because it’s cooler than regular psychology Cancer: nap time… like in preschool Leo: recess! Virgo: gender studies...
