Humor

April 8, 2026 | The signs dealing with spring allergies Aries: take a benadryl, it doesn’t work, take a benadryl, repeat until i black out Taurus: unaffected due to being pure of heart Gemini: has been practicing their snot blowing distance Cancer: Wears a bee keeper...

April 1, 2026 | Your horoscope Aries: A life-altering decision will present itself in your near future. Taurus: Work slowly and steadily toward your goals. Gemini: There is a question you’ve been refusing to answer; now’s the time. Cancer: Take a break — you deserve...

March 11, 2026 | the signs’ most performative male trait Aries: rattles off that he wants a “white chocolate raspberry doubleshot iced mocha” whenever he’s out with a woman  Taurus: owns every single tote from Trader Joe’s  Gemini: only listens to clairo and uses...

March 4, 2026 | The signs on a nature walk Aries: trying to look like a badass by ripping branches off of every tree they walk under Taurus: smoking said nature 🙂  Gemini: touching much-needed grass Cancer: capturing bugs in jars to later preserve them in resin like a...

Feb. 25, 2026 | The Signs responding to someone asking them to “guess what?” Aries: literally just ignores you Taurus: “oh my god there’s a bomb” Gemini: i knew it was an inside job Cancer: That one person who responds with “your mom” to everything Leo: “…it’s...

Feb. 18, 2026 | The signs at Mardi Gras Aries: thinks they’re all high and mighty for not getting messed up that night but they have every other night this week… Taurus: stealing beads off other people for their collection Gemini: is this how you found out shia...

Feb. 11, 2026 | The Signs as their unhinged Valentine’s Day gifts Aries: bad dragon lanyard Taurus: bean burrito Gemini: chinese fingertrap Cancer: little tiny ceramic animals, mostly ducks.  Leo: A voodoo doll of their partner with a lot of holes Virgo: A five page...

Feb. 4, 2026 | The signs as Super Bowl Performances Aries: The nightmare blunt rotation of Janet Jackson, P. Diddy, Nelly, Kid Rock, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Simpson Taurus: Fergie singing the National Anthem the entire time Gemini: snoop dogg hogging all the...

Jan. 28, 2026 | The signs after a breakup Aries: acts nonchalant but is dying inside Taurus: orders bottomless margaritas at applebee’s Gemini: holy tinder Cancer: “I didn’t even like them that much” (was planning a wedding) Leo: Arson and My Chemical Romance...

Jan. 21 2026 | The Signs in 2016 Aries: world’s staunchest defender of the Coldplay halftime show Taurus: ruler of the Snapchat dog filter Gemini: the killer clown Cancer: Rio de Janeiro Insta Filter Leo: An unhealthy obsession with Overwatch Virgo: Enters a bottle...