February 12, 2025 The Signs giving Valentine’s gifts: Aries: A custom bobblehead of themselves Taurus: They ARE the gift Gemini: A calendar with … unique photos Cancer: chocolate edibles Leo: You’re supposed to get a gift? Virgo: Anti-aging cream (but it...
Humor
This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…
February 5, 2025 The Signs as types of cookies Aries: Red velvet with white chocolate chips Taurus: Thumbprint cookie Gemini: raw cookie dough Cancer: samoas Leo: Oatmeal raisin Virgo: too salty chocolate chip Libra: Sugar cookie Scorpio: Double chocolate...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes….
The Signs as Crayola Colors: Aries: Literally all of them Taurus: Forest green Gemini: sassy salmon Cancer: brick red Leo: Dandelion yellow Virgo: useless white Libra: Purple Mountains’ Majesty Scorpio: Screamin’ green Sagittarius: Razzmatazz Capricorn: Tickle...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes….
The Signs as houseplants Aries: Bird of paradise Taurus: Poinsettia Gemini: a dead fern Cancer: a dying cactus with a singular pink flower Leo: Marble Monstera Virgo: a fake houseplant Libra: English Ivy Scorpio: Snake plant Sagittarius: String of pearls...
The signs as Spotify playlists
The Signs as Spotify playlists Aries: 0 patience, 100% hits Taurus: Staring at the ceiling at 3 am with a bit of existential dread Gemini: midwestern emo with a bit of theatre kid Cancer: Fiona Apple ranked in order of rage. Leo: Early 2000s club music Virgo:...
This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…
The Signs’ New Year’s resolutions Aries: Try to listen better… only if everyone agrees I’m right first Taurus: Actually socialize Gemini: become a hotter but worse person Cancer: get. it. together. Leo: Doesn’t even bother making any, because...
This week in entirely made up horoscopes…
The Signs over Winter Break: Aries: Spends their life savings on presents Taurus: Makes far too many baked goods Gemini: lowkey the grinch Cancer: tangled in Christmas lights 🙁 Leo: Hitting the slopes Virgo: finally gonna write that book (not really)...
This week in entirely made-up horoscopes….
What the Signs bring to Thanksgiving Aries: Literally everything Taurus: Turducken Gemini: half a bottle of wine and store-bought potato salad Cancer: The booze Leo: The drama Virgo: a really good but weird dessert nobody’s ever had before Libra: Burnt Mac and...
This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…
The Signs as things you’d leave in an Uber Aries: a Spongebob golf ball Taurus: The phone number of their enemy Gemini: intentionally leaves behind trash they didn’t want to take care of Cancer: phone. Leo: their friends Virgo: a pair of shoes Libra: Used...
This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…
The signs while playing Monopoly Aries: Gets into a fight with the Sagittarius Taurus: Pretends to not know what’s going on, but is actually weirdly good Gemini: “Yahtzee!” Cancer: Cheats their way to winning Leo: still deciding which piece to use because they don’t...
