Caity Healy | Lifestyle Editor
I was 16 when he told me I had to delete the picture on Twitter of my sister and myself in a hot tub.
“Only a certain type of girl would post a picture in their bikini,” he told me. To this day, I still question if it’s wrong for me to post a photo similar to that.
I was 16 when he told me that I couldn’t hang out with guys.
“Let’s make it a rule that you only hangout with girls, and if you’re with guys I’ll be there,” he told me. To this day, I still feel guilt and find myself questioning if it’s okay to hangout with my guy friends.
I was 17 when he made me take pictures of celebrities off of my bedroom walls. I couldn’t find a celebrity attractive, because “that’s like cheating.” Now I wonder, is it okay to have celebrity crushes?
I was 18 when he crushed my already weak self-esteem.
“You’re such a s—-y person,” he told me. To this day, those words still linger in the back of my mind.
My experience in my past relationship was chock full of red flags; I chose to ignore them, and it’s caused me pain and confusion for the last five years. At the time, none of them felt like a big deal. I thought it was normal, I thought that everyone experienced these types of things.
I wish I knew then what I know now. It would have saved me years of misinformed, unrealistic understandings of what a healthy relationship is.
According to Dr. Aislinn Addington, the director of Abby’s House, a red flag is “anything that instinctually doesn’t feel right.” When one is in a relationship and a partner does or says something that your gut feeling tells you is not right, it shouldn’t be let go. It’s worth considering and looking into.
Everyone’s version of what a red flag is may differ, but there are some general patterns that red flags tend to follow.
Oftentimes, it will start with insulting. This means name calling, labeling your partner’s faults or repeatedly humiliating them. This is followed by controlling your partner or manipulation. Often this will look like not allowing your partner to make decisions, telling them lies or playing mind games with them.
From there, it goes to isolating your partner. By removing your partner from their friends and family or manipulating people to dislike your partner, you are isolating them.
After this, it goes to threatening. Threatening violent acts against the partner, their family, their friends, or themselves is what will escalate to the final stage: violence. Violence can look like hitting or breaking things, hurting themselves or their partners, or attempting to hurt either party in any way.
These are the stages of intimate partner violence abuse. While it may seem at the beginning to be small, it typically won’t end there.
“The overall point, and something I’d love people to understand, is that these things escalate. They just do,” Addington noted.
To prevent it from getting to those final stages, red flags are incredibly important to spot. But, similarly to my experience and that of many others, it’s not always easy to find.
“When you’re in it, it’s so easy to overlook things or overcompensate for things. It’s so much easier (to spot) from the outside.” Addington commented. But even if it is perhaps seen, that doesn’t mean it’ll always be acknowledged. “There are many reasons people don’t acknowledge red flags,” Addington said. “We learn from what we see around us.”
Red flag behavior has become normalized: through films romanticizing this type of conduct, such as “Crazy, Stupid, Love,” or “Love Actually,” it’s believed to not only be normal but desirable. When these kinds of things happen in real life, such as the persistent pursuit seen in these romantic films, it can lead some to believing that it is normal behavior. It’s not.
“Because of this, people can learn unhealthy habits and unhealthy responses,” Addington explained.
For those who notice red flags in their own relationships, there are resources available. Abby’s House is a place to go where they will believe you, listen to you and support you if you need it. There are other resources here on campus as well. Student Conduct can be contacted at 503-838-8930, Public Safety at 503-838-8481 and the Student Health and Counseling Center at 503-838-8396. However, if it feels like there is immediate danger, call 911.
As for off campus, there are resources as well. There is a 24-Hour Crisis Hotline that can be called if you need to speak with someone at anytime, which can be reached at 1-866-518-0284. Also, there is the Sable House in Dallas, which is a domestic violence and sexual assault crisis center that offers housing. They have a 24-hour hotline, which can be reached at 503-623-4033.
For those who notice red flags in the relationships of those close to them, there are some actions to take as well.
“I am all for just asking,” Addington commented. “Say something like ‘I noticed that fight or that threat.. Is that okay? Do you feel okay about that?’ Just ask.”
Be supportive of them. Believe them. Remind them that it’s not their fault.
“Then ask them what they want to do, and how they want to get out of (the situation,)” she added.
I was 16 when the first red flag appeared. They continued to appear for the next two years. To this day, I’m still affected. Red flags are serious and should not be taken lightly. If they happen to you, it’s not your fault; there are people with open ears who will listen and believe your story. To those who see it happening to someone else, be their ally.
“If we all on this campus start by believing,” Addington said. “We can start that culture change.”
Contact the author at chealy16@wou.edu
Photo by: Pexels.com
