Compiled by The Western Howl Staff
10 Commandments of College: Class Edition
Compiled by The Western Howl Staff
Mad Libs
Rick and Morty fan becomes “Meme Singularity”
Darien Campo | Designer
This weekend, a fan of the popular Adult Swim show “Rick and Morty” achieved a perfect state of condensed internet humor, which scientists refer to as a “Meme Singularity.”
The event occurred on Oct. 7, at a Portland McDonald’s. The popular fast-food chain was holding a special giveaway of its much sought-after Szechuan dipping sauce to tie-in with the adult cartoon.
20-year-old Western student Hunter Bryant had been waiting in line all day for the sweet sauce packet, but was disappointed to find that stock had run out by the time he had reached the front counter.
“They were all out,” a bystander told us. “So many people came for a chance to get the sauce, but there wasn’t enough for everyone.”
“I could instantly tell he was one of the crazy ones,” McDonald’s manager Tyler Blankenship said, “He had on a Rick and Morty t-shirt, Rick and Morty cap and various rage face stickers on the back of his phone – which had been playing ‘Get Schwifty’ all day.”
“They told him they were out and he just, like, lost it,” added the bystander. “He jumped on the counter and just started yelling ‘ffffffuuuu! Gimme my Szechuan sauce! I want my sauce!’ You know, just like, crazy.”
Blankenship continued, “He pulled his shirt off and started writhing on the ground, shrieking ‘I’m Pickle Rick! I’m Pickle Rick, gimme my sauce! Wubba lubba dub dub!’”
What happened next was a shock to everyone.
“It’s called a Meme Singularity,” we were told by internet scientist Tim Cailiau. “It’s a pure mass of referential matter and image macros condensed down to a single, perfect particle that absorbs pure pop culture. This pulsating particle is denser than any other object in the known universe. It’s actually quite dangerous; we will probably all die under its unstoppable power.”
McDonald’s customers looked on as Bryant ascended to a new state of internet humor in an explosion of brilliant, white light.
“We’ve theorized about Meme Singularities for years,” Cailiau continued. “But never did we think such a beautiful and rare phenomenon could happen right here on Earth.”
Scientists are excited to study the new, perfect lifeform as it expands and contracts – absorbing all the most current references it can gather. Research will continue until the condensed super-particle eventually swallows our entire planet and kills us all.
The Meme Singularity was last seen floating high above the Earth, where it communicates only in the Impact typeface.
Contact the author before the world ends at dcampo13@wou.edu
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
“500 Days of Summer:” what emotional rollercoaster did I just get into?
By: Jade Rayner 21 year old adult
If you’ve never noticed the preface at the beginning of this movie, you’ve been missing out.
I generally think “tell me a story” formula movies are lazy garbage, but somehow this one gets an exception. This, and “The Princess Bride.” Seriously though, just get into it.
“I always thought she was more of a winter person,” my friend says in response to Zooey Deschanel’s character Summer. She’s right.
The flirting in this movie is so far from subtle, they should just walk up to each other and say “hey, I’m flirting,” and live their lives from there.
I can’t handle the time switches in this movie. Thank you for the screen that shows which day out of the 500 days we are in, but it’s still a lot to keep up with.
Is Summer supposed to run over and make out with him every time he plays The Smiths? It seems like that’s what they’re getting at. No.
There is definitely a right and wrong time for method acting. These guys should probably be drunk for real, because the acting is as smooth as sandpaper.
The first half-hour summed up in one sentence: I’m not sure if I’m watching a “love story” between middle schoolers or adults, but they’re beautiful actors in general, so here we are.
“500 Days of Summer” is the only reason I want to go to IKEA. Is it actually cute? Or is there more to it? Why are they being stereotypical? And are people allowed to just make out in the beds? Think of the children.
SHE LITERALLY SAYS SHE DOESN’T WANT ANYTHING SERIOUS. LISTEN UP, JOSEPH.
The post-sex musical scene is the most magical moment in the whole movie. This is how I feel every time I leave my last final.
From happiness to depression in two seconds. Thanks.
Never doubt the emotional bond between a cat and a person. This isn’t related to the movie, but it’s important to note as I am currently crying over a cat that’s not even mine.
There are a lot of awful sexist moments. How have I never noticed this before? It’s hidden behind the semi-cute nature of this movie.
TWO PERSON RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT DECIDED BY ONE, SINGLE PERSON, TOM.
Now the penis game. It’s decided: middle school.
Now this is a French film?
I would buy a greeting card that started as a poem, and then turned into a hateful revenge letter. I really don’t see the problem. Tom’s boss is far too nitpick.
The expectation vs. reality segment is killer in the worst way. But you had to see it coming. I didn’t, but that’s not the point.
There really do need to be more greeting cards featuring cats.
To sum it up, Tom is whiney and can’t get a clue. Summer is living her life mostly-honest, but doesn’t consider other people’s feelings.
IF THE GIRL’S NAME IS A SEASON, DON’T DO IT. SHE IS NOT YOUR SOUL MATE.
Contact the author at jrayner14@wou.edu
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Disney, meet Kubrick
By: Darien Campo | Film Aficionado
Film fans rejoice. Last week, the Walt Disney Company finally signed a multi-million dollar, multi-corporation contract which has been years in the making, officially granting them all rights to the entirety of late director Stanley Kubrick’s back catalogue.
“It’s a very exciting time,” Disney CEO Bob Iger said in a press conference last Friday. We’ve known for years now that Disney has hit its stride, and we can all admit that it’s time for us to pursue a new angle, if we dare to continue releasing films.”
“I’ve been saying this for years,” Zenia Mucha, executive vice president and chief communications officer at Disney told the Washington Post. “If we have to do one more god d— heartwarming musical about talking animals, I’m burning this place to the ground. So I gave Bob an ultimatum: either we purchase the rights to every Stanley Kubrick film, or I’m out. And he knew I was serious.”
The Stanley Kubrick Cinematic Universe, or SKCU as Disney is calling it, will reportedly mold perfectly with Disney’s existing film canons.
“This is the greatest day of my life,” Kevin Feige, president of Marvel Studios said in an online post yesterday. “I always knew, no matter what, that the Marvel Cinematic Universe would never reach its peak until I was legally able to give the OK on Dr. Strange vs. Dr. Strangelove – and now I can.”
Feige has also greenlit production on sequels to “A Clockwork Orange,” “Lolita” and “Spartacus,” as well as sending talent scouts to begin casting for a “2001: A Space Odyssey” television series exclusively for Netflix.
What’s in the future for Disney? A whole lot, according to Pixar chief creative officer, John Lasseter: “It’s a world of opportunity that has opened up to us now. The first project I ever started was a CGI children’s remake of Kubrick’s ‘Barry Lyndon,’ but Steve Jobs told me there was no way he was going to purchase those rights for us. So eventually that project became Toy Story. But you know what? Steve Jobs is dead now. And so is that b—– Kubrick, so I’m going to make whatever film I want to make, and there’s no one left alive who can tell me I can’t.”
Today, an article in Entertainment Weekly revealed that DC is currently in talks to purchase the rights to the filmography of Paul Thomas Anderson.
Contact the author at dcampo13@wou.edu
Harper Lee’s posthumous masterpiece
By: Darien Campo Literary Critic
It’s barely been a year, and readers around the world are still mourning the tragic loss of literary-giant Harper Lee. In only two books, Lee opened the hearts and minds of generations to a world of honesty and raw humanity. Harper Lee’s writing truly changed the face of the modern novel – and even in death, she’s about to do it again.
Last week, Lee’s estate announced they were releasing her third, unpublished, never-before-seen novel, “Go See The Watchmen.”
“She considered it her magnum opus,” Lee’s counsel told Time magazine. “All she ever wanted was for people to read this book.”
“Go See the Watchmen,” a 251 page rave review of Zack Snyder’s 2009 film “Watchmen” has been met with adoration from critics around the globe.
“Beautiful,” said James Wood, professor of the practice of literary criticism at Harvard University. “Absolutely gorgeous. The prose in ‘Go See The Watchmen’ is leading today’s literary slop by miles. No other author even stands a chance in the shad
ow of the late and great Harper Lee.”
Lee, after seeing “Watchmen” in theatres in 2009, was reportedly transfixed by the film. She praised Larry Fong’s cinematography as a “wonderful feast for the eyes – truly every frame a vast feat for the world of film!” She applauded David Hayter and Alex Tse’s bravery in taking the “substandard plot” of the source comic, by Alan Moore and David Gibbons, and “weaving it into something fantastic.”
“Even in her last days, all she would ever talk about is that movie,” her caretaker said in an interview with the New Yorker. “‘Annie,’ she would call out to me, ‘Annie, people have to see ‘The Watchmen,’ it could change the world.’ She even woke me once, in the middle of the night, screaming. She said that she had a nightmare that she was remembered in death for her previous book, the bird one, instead of what she considered to be her greatest work, ‘Go See The Watchmen.’”
“I told her there was no ‘The,’ it’s just ‘Watchmen,’ but, you know how they get at that age,” she continued.
Though most of the 251-page book is nothing but consistent praise of the 2009 action film, Harper Lee did have one criticism to offer.
“Of the many regrets of my life, my greatest will be that I did not get to see more of Rorschach. It is a dangerous opportunity wasted to have underused such a beautiful character, and Mr. Snyder should be ashamed of himself. Or perhaps he could make a Rorschach solo film sometime in the near future. Before I pass away would be nice,” wrote Harper Lee in “Go See The Watchmen.”
When asked for comment, director Zack Snyder replied, “Harper who?”
Contact the author at dcampo13@wou.edu
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Aries 3/21-4/19
Time to start spamming social media about how hard your one online final is going to be.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Remember to renew your Amazon Prime membership, Taurus. Otherwise you’ll be looking at overdraft fees and will have no one to blame except yourself.
Gemini 5/21-6/20
It’s dead week. I don’t think you need me to tell you it’s not going to be fun.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
Leo 7/23-8/22
Cool it with the calzones, Leo. Just eat pizza like an American.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
The stars know what you’re thinking, Virgo, but quitting school to escape finals will only be a temporary relief. Keep on fighting that good fight.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You discover you have a new talent this week. Congratulations! But the heat in your veins suggests this is more than a simple parlor trick.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
If you watch too many sad shows on Netflix this week, chances are you’ll be wrist-deep in a pint of ice cream by finals.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Take some time off over break and hit the waves. The water will help relieve your stress.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Start the upcoming term fresh; move around your furniture and soak up the febreze-laced clouds of spring.
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Aries 3/21-4/19
– Even if it’s sunny, bring your umbrella, Aries. Chances are it’ll rain if you leave it home.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
– Don’t drink milk ever again, Taurus. The stars are telling me milk is the preferred beverage of your future nemesis.
Gemini 5/21-6/20:
Re-think getting that, “best friends,” tattoo. You’re going to regret it in a week.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
Your screams echo into eternity. Has it been a hundred minutes or a hundred years? You cannot recall, for time has come to a standstill.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Be careful, Leo. With the moon where it is, you’re likely to accidentally print pages in color instead of black and white. You’re going to need those print credits.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Sweet Virgo, I see a furry friend in your future. Time to put that dog filter to rest, and start taking snaps of your newly adopted pup.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. They’re not having a comeback, it’s not 2008; there’s no reason to be listening to them. Love yourself.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Use Husqvarna.com’s chainsaw selector to find the best saw for your needs.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, stop bringing your umbrella with you everywhere you go. Any day you have it, it’ll be useless. The rain only comes when you’re unprepared.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Treat yourself this week; get that space-themed eyeshadow palette that you’ve been pining after. It’ll only momentarily distract you from your anxiety, but it’ll be worth it.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
The stars are throwing you a life jacket, Aquarius. Be sure not to drown in the work that you’ll inevitably procrastinate doing.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
You have to break up with them, Pisces. I know you love them, but you have to. The deep-fried golden perfection is cheating on you. That’s what you get for dating a chicken tender.
Valentine’s nay
By: Ashton Newton Hopeless Non-Romantic
50.2 percent of Americans are single, yet around the time of Valentine’s Day, stores fill up with heart shaped chocolates, roses and those atrocious teddy bears.
As part of the 50.2 percent, I vowed this year to make good use of all of these Valentine’s Day products, while also fully embracing my loneliness.
I made it my mission this February to buy as much Valentine’s Day decorations and candy as I could, but without letting the love aspect play a role.
First, I bought an adorable stuffed dog holding a heart. The cashier smiled at me, but she had no idea of my true intentions. With a knife, I removed the heart and now I have a perfectly normal stuffed dog. Take that Valentine’s Day.
Next, I stocked up on heart-shaped milk chocolates. I turned the heart shaped container into an awesome frisbee, then melted the chocolate down and poured it over a bowl of vanilla ice cream which I ate while binge watching “Planet Earth.” Again, take that.
Ever notice how sharing champagne or sparkling cider never seems right? This Valentine’s Day I bought bottles just for myself to fill a mug with and I couldn’t be happier.
I spent three hours last night filling out Valentine cards. They were all from me, addressed to flattering adjectives that describe me. I’m going to be so happy when I see them on the 14th.
Candles always go on sale around Valentine’s Day. It’s the perfect time to place them around the bath tub and watch Hulu for an unreasonable amount of time.
The day after Valentine’s Day, all the heart shaped chocolate that wasn’t sold is extremely cheap. This Valentine’s Day I plan to make a game plan of all the stores I’ll hit up in order to reap the benefits of unsold chocolate.
However lonely life gets, I just remind myself how awesome frisbees are, how great chocolate is and how being alone isn’t so bad if I love myself.
Don’t contact the author, he’s satisfied being alone.
Happy Valentine’s Day?
By: Paige Scofield Natural Disaster
Feb. 14th, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day, is a time of chocolates, cards, fancy dinners, broken hearts, love, frilly things, crippling self doubt, romance and candlelight. But people always seem to miss the most important aspect of the 14th, and they have been forgetting it for years. It’s Oregon’s birthday! Our beautiful state turns 158 this year, and I bet it didn’t even cross your mind. Every year I send invitations to everybody. Where were you when it was 
Oregon’s 150th? Making out and having fun with someone because of some stupid holiday?
Oregon was really hurt, and I was the only one at the party. It got really awkward, because it was a potluck, but all I brought was a 10 pound bag of ice for the drinks that weren’t there. We had to eat ice. There wasn’t even cake. Just ice. I also accidentally bought a block instead of crushed ice, so we literally had to use an ice pick to eat some of the worst ice I’ve ever had. I knew I shouldn’t have skimped and bought the off-brand ice.
Anyway, why do you keep taking Oregon for granted? You’ve literally lived together for years. Not to mention, who wouldn’t want to take Oregon out for a birthday/Valentine’s Day date? Oregon is absolutely stunning, and has a little bit of everything: beaches, deserts, hipsters, mountains, forests, cities and great restaurants. Valentine’s Day was created by candy companies too … Okay, I can’t do this anymore, I’m honestly just really hurt that nobody asked me out for Valentines Day. I mean I love Oregon’s birthday, but it’s too much state for me to handle and Oregon never calls back. I’m drowning in loneliness, and soon to be discount chocolate. WHY WILL NO ONE LOVE ME?
Contact the author?
WESTERN OREGON UNIVERSITY
345 Monmouth Ave. N.
Monmouth OR 97361
503-838-8000 | 1-877-877-1593