Mount Hood

Horoscopes

Aries 3/21-4/19
Jimmy is the one who’s been stealing your lunch from the break room fridge, Aries.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know you want to break up with your boyfriend, but hold out for another week. He’s giving you a dog.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Gemini, I know you’re wondering if you failed your Biology test … you did. Sorry.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Cancer, there is an old, but still totally edible, Snickers in the right pocket of the jeans you are wearing.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Please stop sending in requests for better horoscopes, Leo. Come on, you’re better than this.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
All the stars and moons or whatever have aligned this week for you, Virgo. This means good fortune, and by good fortune I mean you won’t be subjected to all the meaningless conversation you’re stuck in on a daily basis.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Do NOT look behind you.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Scorpio, there’s free candy in that totally normal and not at all suspicious looking van parked outside your apartments. Feel free to check it out.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Not so much a fortune, but a request. Please change your Tinder photo, Sagittarius. I beg of you.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Very much still definitely 100 percent pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Oh, Aquarius, all your kindness is going to pay off this week. Be sure to check your email, one of your classes is getting cancelled.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
I spy a free vacation in the near future, Pisces.

Horoscopes

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Aries 3/21-4/19
Oh, Aries, even though you’re super nice and you’ve done nothing but praise the universe this week, I have a bad horoscope for you. Totally unavoidable, but you will step on a Lego tomorrow. I’M SORRY.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know that failed test has you super bummed out, Taurus. But cheer up, an unexpected visitor will stop by this weekend, and bonus, they’re super sexy.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Remember last week, Gemini, when I asked you to bring $50 to the offices of The Journal? Yeah, I’m still waiting on that. And if you’re a new reader and missed last week’s horoscope, bring $50 to our office, ask for Katrina.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Major ED this month, Cancer. Yikes.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Leo, you had a rough week with all my predicted coffee shop drama. I’m here to help you out. A $50 Starbucks card resides at this location 35.6833° N, 139.6833° E

Virgo 8/23-9/22
I don’t have a fortune for you this week, Virgo. The moons just ain’t alignin.’ So instead I’ll recommend one of my favorite reality shows. Go watch “Vanderpump Rules” it’ll turn your week around.

Libra 9/23-10/22
6, 33, 21, 2, 17, 45

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
For all your good deeds this week, Scorpio, I have a very special fortune for you. Despite what you’ve been led to believe, and question, Jon Snow is not dead. You’re welcome.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Ah, Sagittarius, such a gentle soul. And for that I will tell you that never again will you be charged for extra guacamole. Bless.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Still pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really a fortune, but I’ve just got word from the universe that every single Aquarius has hands larger than Donald Trump’s so … congrats?

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go buy a wedding dress, or tuxedo, or whatever on earth you want to wear because Leonardo DiCaprio will marry you on 5/21.

Campus Squirrels Found Dealing Heroin

Some of Western’s furry friends were recently discovered to be furry fiends Thursday afternoon when an immense underground substance-trafficking operation was uncovered in the garbage receptacle outside Campbell Hall.

Monmouth police apprehended 169 squirrels in a bust orchestrated by Monmouth Police Chief Darrell Tallen. Three squirrels were killed in the raid after they fired on officers with assault weaponry. Two were killed by gunshot wounds and the third was crushed when a pallet of that sweet, sweet brown sugar collapsed on top of him. The Journal could not reach any of them for comment.

Discovered in the (estimated) 3,000 sq. ft. makeshift warehouse/processing plant were several dozen pallets holding almost a ton (2000 lbs.) of “horse as pure as the driven snow,” according to Doof Trooply, Intrepid Reporter, who managed to sample some of the squirrels’ product. Also seized was an amount of cash totaling 1.6 million dollars in bundles of $2000, only two of which he was able to make off with before he was noticed.

“Fuzzball” Malone, squirrel kingpin, was quoted as making cute nibbling noises and tiny, giggly squeaks as he waited for processing at the police station; these utterances were interpreted to be lazy “Breaking Bad” references. He declined to comment on whether or not he knew that Breaking Bad was about meth rather than heroin, so The Journal is forced to assume he did not.

Malone was once before arrested in connection with a series of hits put on the local opossum community, known as a hotbed of all kinds of illegal activity, though mostly prostitution. He escaped his enclosure at Oregon State Penitentiary early last year. He is expected to begin serving a life sentence in solitary confinement later this month.

“We don’t really know how to sentence animals,” said OSP warden Jeff Premo. “So life seemed appropriate, I guess.”

Monmouth PD fears that this squirrel-run operation, despite its size, was not the only source of heroin in the area. If you have any tips on where more of these dope-peddlers might be located, please let me know, and I will pass the information onto the police for you.