Humor – Page 20 – The Western Howl

By: Paige Scofield
Natural Disaster

Feb. 14th, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day, is a time of chocolates, cards, fancy dinners, broken hearts, love, frilly things, crippling self doubt, romance and candlelight. But people always seem to miss the most important aspect of the 14th, and they have been forgetting it for years. It’s Oregon’s birthday! Our beautiful state turns 158 this year, and I bet it didn’t even cross your mind. Every year I send invitations to everybody. Where were you when it was Oregon’s 150th? Making out and having fun with someone because of some stupid holiday?

Oregon was really hurt, and I was the only one at the party. It got really awkward, because it was a potluck, but all I brought was a 10 pound bag of ice for the drinks that weren’t there. We had to eat ice. There wasn’t even cake. Just ice. I also accidentally bought a block instead of crushed ice, so we literally had to use an ice pick to eat some of the worst ice I’ve ever had. I knew I shouldn’t have skimped and bought the off-brand ice.

Anyway, why do you keep taking Oregon for granted? You’ve literally lived together for years. Not to mention, who wouldn’t want to take Oregon out for a birthday/Valentine’s Day date? Oregon is absolutely stunning, and has a little bit of everything: beaches, deserts, hipsters, mountains, forests, cities and great restaurants. Valentine’s Day was created by candy companies too … Okay, I can’t do this anymore, I’m honestly just really hurt that nobody asked me out for Valentines Day. I mean I love Oregon’s birthday, but it’s too much state for me to handle and Oregon never calls back. I’m drowning in loneliness, and soon to be discount chocolate. WHY WILL NO ONE LOVE ME?

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By: Brian Tesch
Advertising Manager

For all of our lives, we were taught to use water to brew a cup of coffee
in the morning. Let’s admit it: after a while, black coffee can be a bit dull. Until now, your only option was to buy either an expensive Keurig or espresso machine, maybe you add a bit of syrup after your coffee is brewed. Or maybe you’re just a dull person and drink black coffee every morning.

My question is simple, can you brew coffee with liquids other than water to spice up your mornings? The Journal decided to do some experimenting to find the answer.

#1: Coffee Brewed with Coca-Cola Vanilla 6/10
My first reaction was to remark on the delightful smoothness of the drink. The Coke seems to brilliantly mask the coffee without covering the flavor too much. A hint of vanilla seals the deal. This drink is almost comparable to the adrenaline rush of wrestling grizzly bears. That is, until the bear notices you and rips your head off.

#2: Coffee Brewed with Dr. Pepper 2/10
This depends on your interpretation of fresh sewage. You may find this drink bearable if you’re the type of person who digs through rubbish bins, finds half eaten cans of old spam and thinks “jackpot.” If you wake up in the morning believing you are a potato trapped in a human body, I’d recommend this drink for you.

#3: Coffee brewed with Raspberry lemonade 7/10
This is by far my favorite one of the mix, a very sophisticated flavor of cooked raspberry with a side of coffee. This cup is for thrill seekers only, if you are the type of person who rides roller coasters for the initial view, steer clear. If you drink this regularly you may lose most of your friends to extreme jealousy.

#4: Coffee Brewed with Sunny D 1/10
Initially, the smell is appalling, but only after you take your first sip do you realize the scale of the mistake you have just made. It smells and tastes like a pidan egg. I would drink this cup if I was the sort of person who enjoyed shoving furious rodents into my mouth in the morning. Recommending this drink would be as misguided as recommending an adult film for its plot.

Contact the author at journaladvertising@wou.edu

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The Candy Critic: Reese’s

By: Ashton Newton
self-proclaimed candyman

When I dig into a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, I know exactly what to expect. That perfect blend of chocolate and peanut butter melting in my mouth and, for just a second, washing away every worry in the world. Reese’s are perfection.

But the joy of Reese’s doesn’t stop there. There are Reese’s Pieces, Reese’s Puffs, Reese’s Big Cups, Reese’s Holiday Cups and so much more. Not to mention Reese’s White Chocolate Cups, Dark Chocolate Cups, Crunch bars and even the off-brand chocolate peanut butter candy has some of the Reese’s feel.

I’m going to start off with the classic Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup two-cup pack. This is the true, loved and tested product that turned Reese’s into a candy empire. When opening the pack there is some suspense. You see the peanut butter cup, you know that soon it will be yours, but you must first take off the brown wrapping, which is an art in itself and must be done with extreme care. Actually eating the peanut butter cup can be done in many ways, but the best way I’ve found is just to eat the whole thing at once. As expected, absolutely fantastic taste and perfect chocolate peanut butter balance. 10/10
Next up is the popular Reese’s Pieces product. These M&M sized peanut butter filled snacks are great for when you’re on the go, but rely too heavily on the peanut butter and not enough on the chocolate. They’re not bad, but I’d choose the peanut butter M&M’s over them any day. 7/10

Another negative is the Reese’s Big Cups. A huge part of the Reese’s experience is the balance between chocolate and peanut butter, and this candy throws that idea out the window. It’s an extreme candy and must be eaten with the utmost responsibility. It’s easy to overdo it with these and get sick. Too much peanut butter is a bad thing. 6/10
Differing greatly from the classic idea of what Reese’s should be is Reese’s Puff cereal. Reese’s Puffs are one of the best cereals out there because they give the incredible taste of Reese’s peanut butter and chocolate without having to deal with peanut butter or chocolate. They’re simple, tasty, and allow you to eat Reese’s for breakfast. The only negative is the fact that they’re not Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. 9/10

Christmas, Halloween and Easter bring the holiday cups. These fun shaped treats break the law of Reese’s balance by having way more peanut butter than chocolate, but it doesn’t matter because they are amazing because of it. I’d much rather have holiday cups than a normal Reese’s cup. No brown wrapping and fun shapes bring holiday cups above normal Reese’s cups, only brought down by the limited quantity. 10/10

Finally, the most innovative Reese’s candy around: the Reese’s Pieces Peanut Butter Cup. This incredible invention not only gives you the perfection that is a Reese’s peanut butter cup, but also fills it with Reese’s Pieces, correcting the lack of chocolate from individual Reese’s Pieces. These are a must have. The merge of Reese’s two most popular products is such a simple idea, but one that brings forth the best Reese’s product to date. 11/10

Contact the author at anewton15@wou.edu

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It’s the great drunk review, Charlie Brown

By: Paige Scofield
News Editor

Note: this article was edited for readability.

So this is going to be less of a review and more of an I watch-I think-I type kind of situation. This is indeed a drunk review of the classic: “It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown”. Honestly I don’t know what to expect so strap in because I bet my bottom-dollar that half of this isn’t even going to be about Charlie.

I’m currently finishing a 16 ounce Rolling Rock beer. Before said beer I drank almost a screen-shot-2016-10-25-at-6-17-57-pm whole bottle of champagne so I can’t feel my lips and my legs feel like noodles. I didn’t think that almost a whole bottle of champagne would do this but holy cow I’m gone. I’m trying so hard to type good. But typing is definitely a sober activity (sport?). I have so many bubbles in my stomach.

Okay I’m going to down this beer and start the show! I really just want to sleep but I gotta work dude. Okay let’s watch this thing. Okay starting with the classic music-Linus just ate an apple off the ground what the f***. That’s dirty. Now Lucy and Linus are picking a pumpkin to carve.

Lucy is rude to Linus. Lucy just cut a pumpkin to carve it and Linus thought she killed a vegetable. Go Charles Shultz. Snoopy is playing with a leaf. I love Snoopy. But his cousin Spike is super cool. My mom really likes Spike; Spike isn’t in this but whatever. Charlie is about to get duped with a football. Why does he always trust Lucy to hold a football? And he kicked and fell once again. Lucy, just be nice?

Linus is writing to the Great Pumpkin. Snoopy looks on and laughs. Lucy is being a douche as usual-telling Linus his Great Pumpkin is fake. Linus realizes to never talk about politics, religion and the Great Pumpkin to other people. Sally loves Linus even though he still carries a blanket around. How old are these kids? Also, why does he think the Great Pumpkin is a halloween santa? That’s weird. Sally and Linus have a “date” to wait for the Great Pumpkin but Charlie is like no. CHARLIE GOT INVITED TO A HALLOWEEN PARTY AND DANCES. OOPS, CAPS IS ON. Lucy is still being RUDE. Now they make costumes. Charlie is bad at it. Everyone keeps hating on Linus but Sally approves of him. Also, no one says “tricks or treats” LUCY. It’s “TRICK OR TREAT”.

I feel like I’m writing a play-by-play so I’m going to wait a bit to write more. It’s only eight minutes in. Excuse me, nine minutes. Someone finally said good grief. Pig pen is dirty. Snoopy is a bomb pilot. He is so confident. I wish I could be as confident as Snoopy.

Sally loves Linus a lot. Linus is being sexist thinking little girls believe everything they’re told. what the f— Linus that’s not cool.

I don’t think I have neck bones anymore. Charlie got a rock instead of candy? Snoopy! I finally understand why he called himself Snoop Dog-because Snoopy is so cool. Holy cow I’ve written a lot. Man, if only writing was this easy sober. Where’s Woodstock? Here comes piano man. I don’t remember his name but he’s cool. Snoopy cries weird. Linus thinks Snoopy is the Great Pumpkin. He’s not. Someone finally said blockhead. Linus was out until four in the morning? Where are his parents?

The Great Pumpkin is fake.

12/10 recommend this for everyone to watch. If you want.

Please don’t contact the author.

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This week in completely made up horoscopes

 Compiled By:Stephanie Blair, Ashton Newton and Zoe Strickland

Aries 3/21-4/19
Keep that pepper spray close, Aries. If you go back through your Snapchat story, you’ll notice that a clown has been following you around campus.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
Don’t get coffee this week, Taurus. I know you love it, but it doesn’t love you. It’s time to let your addiction go.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Your lost twin is out there somewhere, Gemini. Just keep on singing your half of the Disney-esque duet.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
This week, 50 Spongebob meme blogs will follow you on Tumblr. Are ya’ feelin’ it now, Mr. Crabs?

Leo 7/23-8/22
Be suspicious of everyone, Leo. There’s a 75 percent chance that the Libras in your life are lying to you.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Have seen “Hocus Pocus”? Don’t light that black flame candle, you virgi- I mean, Virgo.

Libra 9/23-10/22
I know you love Halloween, Libra. Chin up, there’s only 12 days until the best holiday of the year.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You might as well throw out your birthday list, Scorpio. No one is going to buy you anything off of it anyway.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
It’s your world, Sagittarius. Let the “Happy Little Cloud” remix guide your week.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
On Friday, your eyeliner will look great. But as soon as you leave your house, it will smudge and you won’t know for the entire day. Racoon eyes for life.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
I’ll keep your secret, Aquarius. Nobody has to know that your favorite band is Phish.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Sorry to break it to you, Pisces, but this is definitely all a dream. It’s not a good one.

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No one lets the dogs out

puppy-bowl-coloranimalplanet-com

By: Ashton Newton
Entertainment Editor

Homecoming week is here, and while I’m looking forward to all the fun activities planned, I can’t help but be a little upset over the lack of equal species representation in homecoming sports.

There’s powder-puff football and powder-tuff volleyball, but where is the inclusion of our dogs with powder-ruff soccer? Sure, they might just run around and not play, but that’s still adorable.

Even more so, there isn’t even a powder-fluff laser tag for our cats. It’s common knowledge that cats love lasers, so nothing would make them happier than an event full of them. Think about the cats.

Animals of Western brighten our days and make us feel happy, so why do we exclude them from sports that would be both fun for them and adorable for us? It’s unfair for everybody involved. I’ll be the first to tell you that my sweater-wearing cats are very upset about not being involved in this year’s events.

This is just one example of a much larger problem in today’s society; our animals want to be involved. Clothes and costumes for animals are a step in the right direction, but bringing them into our most exciting events should be the standard. Just take the annual Puppy Bowl each year on Superbowl Sunday. That is so far the biggest step forward to animal representation, and Western should try to follow its example.

I know that my cats and dogs and I aren’t the only ones upset about this. Western students with animals must feel the same way. We have the power to change things, along with our animals we need to stand up for equal species representation in homecoming sports, because not only are animals a part of Western, they’re a part of us.

Contact the author at journalentertainment@wou.edu

Western Oregon University’s Land Acknowledgement
Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

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WOU prohibits discrimination on the basis of race, color, sex, national or ethnic origin, age, religion, marital status, disability, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender identity, and gender expression in all programs, activities and employment practices as required by Title IX, other applicable laws, and policies. Retaliation is prohibited by WOU.

Happy Valentine’s Day?

Horoscopes

The Candy Critic: Reese’s

It’s the great drunk review, Charlie Brown

This week in completely made up horoscopes

No one lets the dogs out

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