Aries 3/21-4/19
– Even if it’s sunny, bring your umbrella, Aries. Chances are it’ll rain if you leave it home.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
– Don’t drink milk ever again, Taurus. The stars are telling me milk is the preferred beverage of your future nemesis.

Gemini 5/21-6/20:
Re-think getting that, “best friends,” tattoo. You’re going to regret it in a week.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Your screams echo into eternity. Has it been a hundred minutes or a hundred years? You cannot recall, for time has come to a standstill.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Be careful, Leo. With the moon where it is, you’re likely to accidentally print pages in color instead of black and white. You’re going to need those print credits.

Virgo 8/23-9/22
Sweet Virgo, I see a furry friend in your future. Time to put that dog filter to rest, and start taking snaps of your newly adopted pup.

Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. They’re not having a comeback, it’s not 2008; there’s no reason to be listening to them. Love yourself.

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Use Husqvarna.com’s chainsaw selector to find the best saw for your needs.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, stop bringing your umbrella with you everywhere you go. Any day you have it, it’ll be useless. The rain only comes when you’re unprepared.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Treat yourself this week; get that space-themed eyeshadow palette that you’ve been pining after. It’ll only momentarily distract you from your anxiety, but it’ll be worth it.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
The stars are throwing you a life jacket, Aquarius. Be sure not to drown in the work that you’ll inevitably procrastinate doing.

Pisces 2/19-3/20
You have to break up with them, Pisces. I know you love them, but you have to. The deep-fried golden perfection is cheating on you. That’s what you get for dating a chicken tender.