This week in completely made up horoscopes
Aries 3/21-4/19
Time to start spamming social media about how hard your one online final is going to be.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Remember to renew your Amazon Prime membership, Taurus. Otherwise you’ll be looking at overdraft fees and will have no one to blame except yourself.
Gemini 5/21-6/20
It’s dead week. I don’t think you need me to tell you it’s not going to be fun.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
Leo 7/23-8/22
Cool it with the calzones, Leo. Just eat pizza like an American.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
The stars know what you’re thinking, Virgo, but quitting school to escape finals will only be a temporary relief. Keep on fighting that good fight.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You discover you have a new talent this week. Congratulations! But the heat in your veins suggests this is more than a simple parlor trick.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
If you watch too many sad shows on Netflix this week, chances are you’ll be wrist-deep in a pint of ice cream by finals.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Take some time off over break and hit the waves. The water will help relieve your stress.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Start the upcoming term fresh; move around your furniture and soak up the febreze-laced clouds of spring.
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
This week in completely made up horoscopes
Aries 3/21-4/19
– Even if it’s sunny, bring your umbrella, Aries. Chances are it’ll rain if you leave it home.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
– Don’t drink milk ever again, Taurus. The stars are telling me milk is the preferred beverage of your future nemesis.
Gemini 5/21-6/20:
Re-think getting that, “best friends,” tattoo. You’re going to regret it in a week.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
Your screams echo into eternity. Has it been a hundred minutes or a hundred years? You cannot recall, for time has come to a standstill.
Leo 7/23-8/22
Be careful, Leo. With the moon where it is, you’re likely to accidentally print pages in color instead of black and white. You’re going to need those print credits.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
Sweet Virgo, I see a furry friend in your future. Time to put that dog filter to rest, and start taking snaps of your newly adopted pup.
Libra 9/23-10/22
Stop listening to Red Hot Chili Peppers. They’re not having a comeback, it’s not 2008; there’s no reason to be listening to them. Love yourself.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
Use Husqvarna.com’s chainsaw selector to find the best saw for your needs.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, stop bringing your umbrella with you everywhere you go. Any day you have it, it’ll be useless. The rain only comes when you’re unprepared.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Treat yourself this week; get that space-themed eyeshadow palette that you’ve been pining after. It’ll only momentarily distract you from your anxiety, but it’ll be worth it.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
The stars are throwing you a life jacket, Aquarius. Be sure not to drown in the work that you’ll inevitably procrastinate doing.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
You have to break up with them, Pisces. I know you love them, but you have to. The deep-fried golden perfection is cheating on you. That’s what you get for dating a chicken tender.
Valentine’s nay
By: Ashton Newton Hopeless Non-Romantic
50.2 percent of Americans are single, yet around the time of Valentine’s Day, stores fill up with heart shaped chocolates, roses and those atrocious teddy bears.
As part of the 50.2 percent, I vowed this year to make good use of all of these Valentine’s Day products, while also fully embracing my loneliness.
I made it my mission this February to buy as much Valentine’s Day decorations and candy as I could, but without letting the love aspect play a role.
First, I bought an adorable stuffed dog holding a heart. The cashier smiled at me, but she had no idea of my true intentions. With a knife, I removed the heart and now I have a perfectly normal stuffed dog. Take that Valentine’s Day.
Next, I stocked up on heart-shaped milk chocolates. I turned the heart shaped container into an awesome frisbee, then melted the chocolate down and poured it over a bowl of vanilla ice cream which I ate while binge watching “Planet Earth.” Again, take that.
Ever notice how sharing champagne or sparkling cider never seems right? This Valentine’s Day I bought bottles just for myself to fill a mug with and I couldn’t be happier.
I spent three hours last night filling out Valentine cards. They were all from me, addressed to flattering adjectives that describe me. I’m going to be so happy when I see them on the 14th.
Candles always go on sale around Valentine’s Day. It’s the perfect time to place them around the bath tub and watch Hulu for an unreasonable amount of time.
The day after Valentine’s Day, all the heart shaped chocolate that wasn’t sold is extremely cheap. This Valentine’s Day I plan to make a game plan of all the stores I’ll hit up in order to reap the benefits of unsold chocolate.
However lonely life gets, I just remind myself how awesome frisbees are, how great chocolate is and how being alone isn’t so bad if I love myself.
Don’t contact the author, he’s satisfied being alone.
WESTERN OREGON UNIVERSITY
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Monmouth OR 97361
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