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The signs as Spotify playlists

The Signs as Spotify playlists

Aries: 0 patience, 100% hits

Taurus: Staring at the ceiling at 3 am with a bit of existential dread

Gemini: midwestern emo with a bit of theatre kid

Cancer: Fiona Apple ranked in order of rage. 

Leo: Early 2000s club music

Virgo: music to listen to if you hate yourself

Libra: music i would play for you if we were two small bugs watching the sunset

Scorpio: Songs to romance Astarion to

Sagittarius: Peppermint Patty, the Bi-icon you are

Capricorn: it’s 2012, you’re trying on jeans in the fitting room, they don’t fit, the walls are closing in

Aquarius: Impromptu drive to the coast

Pisces: Psych rock for finger painting

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The Signs’ New Year’s resolutions

Aries: Try to listen better… only if everyone agrees I’m right first

Taurus: Actually socialize

Gemini: become a hotter but worse person

Cancer: get. it. together.  

Leo: Doesn’t even bother making any, because there is no possible way to be more perfect

Virgo: touch grass

Libra: Embracing that work life balance

Scorpio: collect more shiny things

Sagittarius: global domination

Capricorn: deciding next year’s resolution

Aquarius: Stop spending over $100 at Trader Joe’s

Pisces: Becoming the best version of myself

This week in entirely made up horoscopes…

The Signs over Winter Break:

Aries: Spends their life savings on presents

Taurus: Makes far too many baked goods

Gemini: lowkey the grinch

Cancer: tangled in Christmas lights 🙁  

Leo: Hitting the slopes

Virgo: finally gonna write that book (not really)

Libra: in a meat coma   

Scorpio: Ho ho ho-ing it up

Sagittarius: getting turnt AF

Capricorn: break? never heard of her 

Aquarius: Silently judging all of the presents

Pisces: sleeping until noon every day 

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes….

What the Signs bring to Thanksgiving

Aries: Literally everything

Taurus: Turducken

Gemini: half a bottle of wine and store-bought potato salad

Cancer: The booze 

Leo: The drama

Virgo: a really good but weird dessert nobody’s ever had before

Libra: Burnt Mac and cheese  

Scorpio: A ham encased in jell-o

Sagittarius: The good brownies 😉

Capricorn: Bear ribs

Aquarius: Their own experimental version of green bean casserole

Pisces: Half-eaten pumpkin pie

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The Signs as things you’d leave in an Uber

Aries: a Spongebob golf ball

Taurus: The phone number of their enemy

Gemini: intentionally leaves behind trash they didn’t want to take care of

Cancer: phone. 

Leo: their friends

Virgo: a pair of shoes

Libra: Used hotdog wrapper with dried mustard  

Scorpio: Your dignity

Sagittarius: Chapstick

Capricorn: Spends ten minutes checking they didn’t forget anything

Aquarius: All of their luggage

Pisces: A CD of “Weird Al” Yankovic

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The signs while playing Monopoly

Aries: Gets into a fight with the Sagittarius

Taurus: Pretends to not know what’s going on, but is actually weirdly good

Gemini: “Yahtzee!”

Cancer: Cheats their way to winning

Leo: still deciding which piece to use because they don’t want the others to feel bad

Virgo: unbelievably rich

Libra: Takes jail wayyyy too seriously  

Scorpio: eats the dice when they don’t get the roll they want

Sagittarius: Fistfighting everyone for the Dog piece

Capricorn: Obsesses over the relative value of the color groups

Aquarius: Yells whenever any other player does anything

Pisces: Falls asleep 

This week in entirely made up horoscopes

The Signs in High School

Aries: The class clown

Taurus: Major procrastinator that somehow has a 4.0

Gemini: the kid nobody likes

Cancer: the “high and mighty” football player

Leo: Cheer Captain

Virgo: band kid for lyfe

Libra: Friends with everyone, best friends with no one

Scorpio: That one goth that’s weirdly good at sports

Sagittarius: Naruto running down the halls

Capricorn: bro that plays music out loud down the hall

Aquarius: Runs for class president every year and never makes it

Pisces: Scene kid who only takes art electives

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