By: Katrina Penaflor
Staff Writer

It’s been a big week for me. I mean, huge.

I’ll begin by saying hello. My twitter followers have nearly tripled in the last four days on account of this penis-gate and, as a very busy penis, I couldn’t be more thrilled.

Let me start with my weekly penis recap. This is super important for me as I often have many things to discuss, but I feel like now I have the ideal platform for people to willingly listen.

First off, did you notice Donald has been wearing slightly shorter ties? I have reason to believe this is to put me back in the spotlight.

Second, hello Marco Rubio, you hater. I heard what you had to say about Donald’s hands, and as someone who is very closely acquainted with both his hands I have to say they also are huge. P.S. Donald told me you wear a wig.

Third, have you noticed how beautiful Melania looks? How she’s always smiling? Yeah, you’re welcome.

Fourth, back to Marco Rubio, notice how he couldn’t even say the word penis? How can you vote for a guy who doesn’t say the word penis? I mean, come on.

Also, I wanted to discuss that aside from the very important job of being Donald Trump’s penis, I’m also his fact checker, chief advisor, and Twitter writer on Thursdays.

Remember his idea to build the wall? Yeah, he asked me about it and I said, “Erect it, definitely. Make it the biggest, thickest wall possible.”

Remember everything he’s ever said during every debate? Yup, those points went straight through me first.

Remember how he always calls people a loser on Twitter? Well, that wasn’t me because I think calling people a loser is mean, but I definitely once tweeted a complaint about how short Marco Rubio is.

Oh, and how can I forget, I co-authored “The Art of the Deal” with Donald. Greatest business book of all time. Seriously, bring me a copy and I’ll be happy to sign it for you.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting with a Mr. Christie at four.

Contact the author at kpenaflor@wou.edu or on Twitter @journalkatrina