Mount Hood

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

February 26, 2025

The Signs as Croc Jibbitz

Aries: Harry Potter phoenix

Taurus: Spider-Man

Gemini: lightning mcqueen

Cancer: mr. poopybutthole from Rick and Morty 

Leo: mini croc.

Virgo: is that… the duolingo owl?

Libra: Cowboy Cat YeeHaw

Scorpio: Vaporeon… you all know why

Sagittarius: Freddy Fazbear

Capricorn: golden flower from Tangled

Aquarius: a UFO

Pisces: Lord Farquad…Love for my shorties

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

February 12, 2025

The Signs giving Valentine’s gifts:

Aries: A custom bobblehead of themselves

Taurus: They ARE the gift

Gemini: A calendar with … unique photos

Cancer: chocolate edibles 

Leo: You’re supposed to get a gift?

Virgo: Anti-aging cream (but it comes in a really pretty basket)

Libra: Tickets to the Micro Wrestling Federation

Scorpio: A copy of “Haunting Adeline” to act out together

Sagittarius: A subscription to Manscaped

Capricorn: Self improvement book

Aquarius: A burrito blanket

Pisces: A recreation of “Bold and Brash”

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

February 5, 2025

The Signs as types of cookies

Aries: Red velvet with white chocolate chips

Taurus: Thumbprint cookie

Gemini: raw cookie dough

Cancer: samoas 

Leo: Oatmeal raisin 

Virgo: too salty chocolate chip

Libra: Sugar cookie

Scorpio: Double chocolate chunk

Sagittarius: White chocolate macadamia

Capricorn: Thin mints

Aquarius: Gingersnap

Pisces: Snickerdoodle

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

The Signs as Crayola Colors:

Aries: Literally all of them

Taurus: Forest green

Gemini: sassy salmon

Cancer: brick red 

Leo: Dandelion yellow

Virgo: useless white

Libra: Purple Mountains’ Majesty

Scorpio: Screamin’ green

Sagittarius: Razzmatazz

Capricorn: Tickle me pink

Aquarius: Wild blue yonder

Pisces: laser lemon

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

The Signs as houseplants

Aries: Bird of paradise

Taurus: Poinsettia 

Gemini: a dead fern

Cancer: a dying cactus with a singular pink flower 

Leo: Marble Monstera

Virgo: a fake houseplant

Libra: English Ivy

Scorpio: Snake plant

Sagittarius: String of pearls

Capricorn: Neon Pothos

Aquarius: a spider plant that has grown out of control

Pisces: Anthurium

The signs as Spotify playlists

The Signs as Spotify playlists

Aries: 0 patience, 100% hits

Taurus: Staring at the ceiling at 3 am with a bit of existential dread

Gemini: midwestern emo with a bit of theatre kid

Cancer: Fiona Apple ranked in order of rage. 

Leo: Early 2000s club music

Virgo: music to listen to if you hate yourself

Libra: music i would play for you if we were two small bugs watching the sunset

Scorpio: Songs to romance Astarion to

Sagittarius: Peppermint Patty, the Bi-icon you are

Capricorn: it’s 2012, you’re trying on jeans in the fitting room, they don’t fit, the walls are closing in

Aquarius: Impromptu drive to the coast

Pisces: Psych rock for finger painting

This week in entirely made-up horoscopes…

The Signs’ New Year’s resolutions

Aries: Try to listen better… only if everyone agrees I’m right first

Taurus: Actually socialize

Gemini: become a hotter but worse person

Cancer: get. it. together.  

Leo: Doesn’t even bother making any, because there is no possible way to be more perfect

Virgo: touch grass

Libra: Embracing that work life balance

Scorpio: collect more shiny things

Sagittarius: global domination

Capricorn: deciding next year’s resolution

Aquarius: Stop spending over $100 at Trader Joe’s

Pisces: Becoming the best version of myself