Mount Hood

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Jan. 7 2026 | The Signs as Unhinged Movie Quotes

Aries: “Mars will come to fear my botany powers.” – The Martian

Taurus: “Chloe can you get your head out of your ass it’s not a hat.” – Pitch Perfect

Gemini: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” – Princess Bride

Cancer: “Do you want to do something fun? Do you want to go to tacobell?” – Mean Girls

Leo: “Dynamite. Mm, must be Italian.” -Hoodwinked!

Virgo: “You can’t sit with us!” – Mean Girls 

Libra: “Why would they change math? Math is math! MATH is MATH!!” -Incredibles 2

Scorpio: “Nothing goes over my head. My reflexes are too fast.” -Guardians of the Galaxy

Sagittarius: “I was on top! Who the f*** is on top their first time!” –Saoirse Ronan as Christine “Lady Bird’ McPherson in Lady Bird (2017)

Capricorn: “I’m gonna put my fist through your skull.” – Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Aquarius: “I like to fight around” -Lego Batman: The Lego Batman Movie

Pisces: “When I’m around you, I kind of feel like I’m on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them.” – Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Jan. 7 2026 | What the signs drop from their inventory when they die

Aries: 3 blaze powder, 3 raw beef and 6 stacks of nether brick slabs

Taurus: a full stack of TNT

Gemini: A mending book

Cancer: 36 Lava Chicken Music Disks

Leo: A wooden pickaxe and a nether star

Virgo: 100 apples 

Libra: 1000s of Name Tags, cyan dye and a single bone 

Scorpio: An enchanted pickaxe with fortune III, unbreaking III, efficiency V and mending I

Sagittarius: Really good skywars loot that Aries already picked up

Capricorn: A shulker box full of the rarest items it took you hours to find 

Aquarius: iPad.

Pisces: Enchanting table, milk bucket and suspicious stew.

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Dec. 3 2025 | What the signs give at a white elephant event

Aries: ghost pepper hot sauce and bean-boozled with a note saying “do it”

Taurus: a whole rotisserie chicken. 

Gemini: deodorant with a pretty lil bow on it

Cancer: a bag of those tiny plastic babies

Leo: A single condom to a notoriously single person

Virgo: A three pack of plain white socks 

Libra: A Britney Spears-opoly board game

Scorpio: A used gift card with $1.47 left on it

Sagittarius: A blender box … filled to the brim with candy penises

Capricorn: a jar full of pennies

Aquarius: hamster

Pisces: Used incense burner (incense not included)

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Nov. 19 2025 |  The signs as the titles of their worst fanfic 

Aries: i uhh… what’s a fanfic… (has 300 ao3 works)

Taurus: The Lover’s Office: Orange x Bubba

Gemini: Warrior Cats New Clan

Cancer: Mpreg Sonic x Shadow

Leo: The Shadow Bride of Darkipler

Virgo: Lieutenant Dan x Forrest Gump x Bubba 

Libra: Love’s a Battlefield (and the Navy Did Not Train Steve for This Shit)

Scorpio: Elmo X Rocko: Enemies to Lovers

Sagittarius: I walked alone till I met you (not a romance movie)

Capricorn: Sold to One Direction (Not Clickbait)

Aquarius: Love letter to my high school spanish teacher

Pisces: Me and Aaron Rodgers Took Ayahuasca in Southern Oregon and Befriended The Hat Man and a Friendly Spider 

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Nov 12 2025 | The signs as their weird secrets

Aries: is lowkey addicted to going to rage rooms
Taurus: Dr. Pimple Popper’s #1 fan
Gemini: favorite app is quora
Cancer: Collects creepy porcelain dolls
Leo: Is scared of the dark
Virgo: Committed a hit and run 3 years ago
Libra: Makes their food talk to each other while they are eating
Scorpio: Keeps a jar of toenail clippings
Sagittarius: Makes their pet lick peanut butter from their toe
Capricorn: secretly sticks their used Zyn pouches on their bedroom wall
Aquarius: can’t read 🙁
Pisces: Is secretly a SoundCloud rapper and starts every song by saying “you already know who it is” we don’t. They have 15 monthly listeners and at least 14 of them are probably bots.

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Nov 5. 2025 | The Signs as your weird coworkers

Aries: Throws bits of turf at you because they think it’s funny

Taurus: Everyone has met them but you. Who are they? Do they even exist?

Gemini: is chronically online and always makes unfunny tiktok references even though nobody laughs

Cancer: Brings jell-O salad to the work potluck

Leo: Their reaction to a fire will only bring a smile

Virgo: Constantly asks you questions that make you uncomfortable

Libra: A burnt-out, pre-retirement guy who eats soup with a Dr. Pepper.

Scorpio: Emails you borderline offensive memes all day

Sagittarius: Brings tuna for lunch everyday and offers to spoon feed everyone

Capricorn: Drinks coffee creamer straight from the bottle every day

Aquarius: Has the heat set unconventionally high

Pisces: Gives you free life advice. You did not ask for advice.

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Oct 29 2025 | The Signs as Obscure Halloween Costumes

Aries: The Festivus Pole

Taurus: Bruce the shark from Nemo

Gemini: definitely an offensive sexy nun

Cancer: Playboy Bunny

Leo: The “my leg!” guy from Spongebob

Virgo: Punk Jojo Siwa

Libra: Howard dressed up as Sheldon Cooper in the Big Bang Theory

Scorpio: Ross’s “Spudnik” costume from Friends

Sagittarius: Weird barbie from the Barbie Movie

Capricorn: The Dune sandworm popcorn bucket

Aquarius: bowling ball

Pisces: Some obscure historical figure they didn’t know about until a week ago.

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Oct 22 2025 | The Signs as weird things children say

Aries: “WHERE IS MY BLOOOOOD???”

Taurus: “my dad has diabetes” 

Gemini: “Wow, you’re really high!” talking about someone who’s just really tall

Cancer: “He’s behind you” *The room is empty*

Leo: “But I don’t want to be Kanye, not in this climate…”

Virgo: “For someone who plays sports, you look like you need to walk more.”

Libra: “Ermmm actually”

Scorpio: “I’m gonna wait till there’s three cars coming, then I’ll push you in the road.”

Sagittarius: “When I grow up, I don’t want to be a fat grown up, I want to be a skinny grown up”

Capricorn: “CONGRATULATIONS, you’re going to the bathroom.”

Aquarius: “my poop is coming!”

Pisces: “I love you so much, I will never forget you when you pass away”

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Oct 8 2025 | The Signs as roommates

Aries: swears they don’t hate you but won’t follow you on insta

Taurus: NEVER wears their own clothes. Watch your closets, people.

Gemini: Do they even exist..? Never been seen.

Cancer: Constantly arguing on the phone with their significant other 

Leo: Their 27 alarms will wake you up before it wakes them up

Virgo: Says you look great in a bad outfit

Libra: Never home and always going out

Scorpio: Eats all your snacks and refuses to Venmo you

Sagittarius: Has a new guy over every week

Capricorn: hotboxes the room 24/7 so you get contact high

Aquarius: 7+ bottles of wine in the recycling every week

Pisces: Super performative, room is decorated with vinyls they’ve never listened to and books they’ve never read and while they’ll never say it they think you’re inferior to them in every way. 

This week in entirely made up horoscopes….

Oct 15 2025 | The Signs at a Haunted House

Aries: Runs ahead of you, waits for you at the exit and makes fun of you when you come out frazzled

Taurus: gets scared and lowkey assaults an actor

Gemini: way too friendly to the scare actors and keeps complimenting them and their costumes

Cancer: Holds your hand to make sure you’re all good.

Leo: Will shout behind you to scare you

Virgo: pees their pants out of fear

Libra: Goes on their phone to look at cat memes instead

Scorpio: convinces you to go with them but then pushes you in front to save themself

Sagittarius: Walks through the house scaring the scare actors 

Capricorn: laughs the whole time because they have no soul

Aquarius: does not attend the haunted house

Pisces: Spends most of the time standing by the entrance debating whether they should go in or not. Tries to turn back multiple times once they finally decide to walk in. 

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