Mount Hood

Semi-Cult film gets sequel 30 freaking years later

By: Declan

Multiple sources report that despite literally no one giving a shit about this particular film franchise anymore, a major studio has acquired the rights to the somewhat well-regarded property, and is pillaging American’s sense of nostalgia to make a quick buck on a half-assed new installment that, it must be reiterated, no one really wanted.

“Yeah, I probably said at one point, ‘man, wouldn’t it be cool if they made a sequel,’ but I, you know, didn’t really … mean it,” said Dude McGuy, a fan of the original film, which was released sometime in the ‘80s, maybe the early ‘90s. “It just feels so cheap and soulless.”

“I’m probably still gonna see it though,” said McGuy, looking as sad and dejected as a man could possibly look.

The Journal reached out to A Movie Industry Fatcat, who was quoted as saying, “Moviegoers are sheep. You slap a name they recognize on a steaming pile of bear turd and they’ll buy millions and millions of tickets to writhe around in it for an hour and a half, just for that tiny little hit off the crack pipe of the past.”

After diving into his Scrooge McDuck-style pool of money, entirely made up of currency that people have spent on absolute garbage motion pictures, he removed several stacks of hundred-dollar bills from underneath his immense girthy folds, acquired from eating several fancy meals a day financed by the money we keep throwing at these studios to make absolute goddamn trash, he surfaced and continued, “Everything you have ever loved will be recycled through the corporate machine and spat back at you, and you will eat it and say you loved it because you’re a whore. Say it, you’re a filthy whore.”

I just can’t write about this anymore. I’m sorry, I’m just done. Goodbye, enjoy your shitty movies forever and ever now.

Here’s a picture of a stupid, stupid cat and I hope it brings you joy in this goddamned hollow existence.

Todd Hall ghost demands salary

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By: Zoe Strickland
Northwest Passage Editor-in-Chief

The position of Todd Hall haunter is in jeopardy due to wage disagreements between local ghost, Jessica Todd, and the administration. After decades of volunteering her time as the hall’s resident live-in spirit, Todd has begun demanding the creation of a salaried position, claiming that the school needs a “living wage for the non-living.”

When asked to explain her stance, Todd went on to say how the creation of a salary will be beneficial to the ghostly reputation of Western.

“In order for me to properly haunt the students, particularly the men of this institution, I need to be able to destress,” explained Todd. “I’m surrounded by the screams of children all day and am expected to haunt all night. I need money so I can explore the finer things of the afterlife and, as the students these days say, treat myself.”

In addition to her salary demands, Todd is also petitioning to receive retroactive pay for her past 70 years of work, as well as commission for the ghost tours that occur in the building. Due to Todd’s nature, men are barred from the negotiations. However, it’s predicted that the biggest hurdle will come when approaching President Rex Fuller about the salary approval.

Until her demands are met, Jessica Todd is refusing to partake in a haunting of any kind. When asked their opinion on the haunting, several first years stated that they had no idea Todd Hall even had a ghost.

When approached for a comment on her relevance, Todd pointed out that their lack of knowledge is merely an example of why she needs more incentive to perform quality hauntings and make her presence known once again amongst the community. The ghost also took this time to point out that if the school were to grant her a salary, they would not have to worry about paying for any form of health care, seeing as she passed away in 1944.

In the upcoming weeks, the administration is set to meet with Jessica Todd to discuss integrating a salaried position into the 2016-2017 budget.

Administrators have expressed hesitation when asked about whether or not they believe Todd will be in attendance; some have even come forth to say that they do not believe in ghosts. Jessica Todd is currently spending her free time haunting those people.

Contact the author at zstrickland14@wou.edu or on Twitter @nwpmagazine

Cocktail Corner

By: Rachael Jackson
Campus Life Editor

The conception of the Bromosa took place on the eve of a real intense leg day. Two bros, Calvin and Jeff, invented the drink in hopes of catching a quick 10 hours of rest before their early day at the gym. To their astonishment, the drink revived a spirit of lifting in them that they would never have been able to achieve without a dose of creatine. Note: this drink must always be shared with a bro.

Drink is best served in a chilled champagne glass.

To create the drink you will need:

  • Two bros
  • Two cans of a pale domestic beer (Coors, Rolling Rock, Budweiser)
  • A rag full of sweat from your last workout

Directions:

Into your favorite protein shake bottle, add ice. Wring out the sweat rag and shake vigorously. Be sure to watch your biceps with pride as you do this. Pour the icy sweat into both glasses and add in your beer. To complete, you and your bro of choice must look deeply into each other’s eyes and fist bump over the drink. If done correctly, the fist bump will create a purple tint to the drink. It is now ready to ingested. Sleep immediately.

Classifieds

Looking to rent a unicycle so I can quit school. Going to spend my days smoking dope and looking dope while doing it. Willing to leave collateral.

I have three fists full of partially used lipsticks available. Colors are all variants of nude. Need them gone by the end of the week, no questions asked.

looking 4 dick pix. send immediately.

QUESTION: Can someone please explain to me what a “dick pic” is?? Girlfriend keeps asking for one, not sure what she wants from me.

Free to good home. 22 year old roommate. Potty trained and great with pets, but otherwise completely useless. Subsists mainly off Little Debbie products and reruns of “That 70’s Show.” If interested, please contact queenofhermits@nonmail.com

Lost Luck. Last seen on Feb. 23 at the end of Monmouth Ave. in front of Natural Science after I tripped up the stairs. After losing my luck, my life consists of a string of unfortunate events and I would really love to have it back.

Missed Connection. To the cute guy who answered a question for campus voices a few weeks ago and also had a camera around his neck, are you single? Send your answer to The Journal office at 503-838-8347. Asking for a friend.

Frisky trio looking for adventurous fourth. Possible blood sacrifice, dress appropriately. Meet @ the Grove when the moon is full if interested.

Homie Collector: Searching for interesting humans to hang out at my apartment all day. Will provide ramen, spaghetti, or linguini alfredo, dependent upon how much cash you leave me. Must enjoy wearing crazy hats, playing with trinkets on the bookshelf, and standing backward with your buttcrack out. Celebrities welcome.

In search of pre-scratched lottery scratch-offs. Need to prove to my parents that I have a gambling problem; don’t ask. Call STOVE at (912) 525-5671, but ask for BILL.

In dire need of one of them chubby garbage squirrels, y’all. Just gather as many as you can and bring ‘em on down to Larry’s Jim Jang Jamboree. Don’t bring none of those boring tree faring fools. I know the difference, y’all. Payment not readily available, but you can consider it one of them charitable donations or whatever you NPR givin’, Subaru drivin’, REI wearin’ lib’r’alls do with your squirrel money.

LONE WOLF searching for a PACK. It’s lonely on the mountaintop. Send replies ℅ WALDO.

FOR SALE: My Dignity. Lightly used, near mint. Willing to trade for pride or hubris. Just unnecessary in my day-to-day.

WANTED: Tinder Tutor. Can pay you in backhanded compliments and awkward pauses.

help im trapped in his basement please find me i need help the beatings are constant im so scared.. i cant take a noterh day of this oh god PLEasE here he comes oh my god please please PLEASE

Seeking someone to punch me right in my stupid face. I will pay fifty dollars for a knuckle sandwich. I want to taste blood for weeks. I have a face, please punch it. It’s all I want, it’s all I need, a punch in my face, a kick in my teeth.

FREE TO A GOOD HOME: One infant, eight pounds, six ounces. Excellent condition, no problems. White, dark brown hair. Runs like a champ, has all its shots. You get to name it, blank birth certificate included. Pick up near Little Caesar’s dumpster Saturday night.

WANTED: F—s. I have none left to give, and I need at least one per week to make it through the rest of my college career. Can provide payment in expired protein powder or never-been-washed shaker cups from 5 years ago. Inquire at the offices of The Journal. Door may or may not be unlocked, depending on how many f—s I have available to give that day.

HUMAN SEEKS FELLOW HUMAN FOR HUMAN ROMANCE. ENVISION A ROBOT THAT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND LOVE ON WHICH YOU MUST INSTALL LOVE.EXE WITH YOUR BODY. BUT I AM NOT A ROBOT. I AM A HUMAN. PROGRAMMING KNOWLEDGE A PLUS.

Pranksters throughout history

By: Conner Williams
Editor-in-Chief

Ah, April Fools’ Day. There’s nothing like a national, erm, holiday that encourages humorous, and sometimes downright cruel, pranks on other people. After all, who doesn’t like causing their friend, roommate, or significant other to nearly have a heart attack by scaring them half to death with a prank?

Some might say that pranks are immature (looking at you, stick-in-the-mud baby boomers), but the truth is that April Fools’ Day dates back hundreds of years. Face it, fun-haters, people have been pranking each other forever.

According to the History Channel, April Fools’ Day dates back to April 1, 1700 when “English pranksters began popularizing the annual tradition of April Fools’ Day by playing practical jokes on each other.”

However, even though the celebration of the day (which is also sometimes referred to as All Fool’s Day) has been around for centuries, historians are unsure as to its origins. Some say that the day’s traditions originated with the French back in 1582 when the Julian calendar was switched to the Gregorian calendar. People that were slow to get the news that the new year had moved to January 1 were ridiculed by having paper fish put on their backs, referred to as “poisson d’avril” (April fish) that were “said to symbolize a young, easily caught fish and a gullible person.”

Others speculate that the traditions originate from ancient festivals such as the Roman Hilaria in which people dressed up in disguises at the end of March. Additional origin theories say that the day is tied to the vernal equinox, when “Mother Nature fooled people with changing, unpredictable weather.”

The day became popularized and celebrated in a widespread manner throughout Britain in the 18th century. According to the History Channel, the tradition became a two-day event in Scotland that started with the “gowk hunt” (a word for a cuckoo bird, which is a symbol for a fool) where people were sent on phony errands. It was then followed by Tallie Day, where people would play pranks that “played on people’s derrières,” such as pinning fake tails or “kick me” signs on them.

Many individuals and organizations have devoted much time and energy to playing pranks, even on the consumers that keep them alive. For example, in 1985, Sports Illustrated ran an article about a rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch that could throw a fastball over 168 miles per hour and fooled many of its readers.

The goal of this issue is to have a little bit of fun with some playful stories that I hope will entertain you. The objective isn’t to offend anyone, it is simply to poke fun at some local and more widespread issues that we as a staff find amusing. Play some pranks on each other and (try) to be safe, and remember that life is so much better when you’re laughing.

Contact the author at journaleditor@wou.edu or on Twitter @journalEIC

Justin Bieber leaves a lasting impression

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By: Alvin Wilson 
Staff Writer

After the unsuccessful attempt to deport Justin Bieber to Canada, Citizens for an America Without Bieber, an organization created with the goal of deporting Justin Bieber, decided that sending the pop idol to Monmouth, Oregon would have to do.

Bieber arrived in Monmouth on March 29 and was arrested within 24 hours by the Monmouth Police Department for drunk driving, reckless endangerment, and possession of illegal drugs.

According to eyewitness reports, Bieber left the Main Street Pub & Eatery after one too many drinks and got in his rented Lamborghini, mumbling something about wanting an ice cream cone.

“I knew there was something wrong when he stood up and peed his pants,” said one witness. “I put my hand on his shoulder to stop him, but he just said, ‘get out my way, yo,’ and stormed out.”

On his way to the Main Street Ice Cream Parlor, Bieber made an abrupt right turn, narrowly missed a group of students, and crashed into Crush Wine Bar and Tasting Room.

He totaled his Lamborghini and dealt considerable damage to the store’s front pillar and glass door.

Bieber mumbled, “I dvont member gettig outa ther plane,” as he was being pulled from his crushed vehicle. Authorities said they are unsure what he meant by the comment.

Upon Bieber’s arrest, authorities said they found alcohol, marijuana, Xanax, ecstasy, and several opioids in his system.

“It’s a wonder he was still conscious,” said Mark Simpson, Bieber’s arresting officer. “There was enough in his system to kill a small herd of elephants. I don’t think Monmouth is quite ready for a character like him.”

Since his arrest, Citizens for an America Without Bieber has made several more attempts to get Bieber deported. Authorities at the Monmouth Police Department say it is something they will strongly consider.

Contact the author at awilson15@wou.edu or on Twitter @awilsonjournal

10 worst Trailblazers of all time

By: Jamal Smith Sports Editor

10) Martell Webster (2005-10, 8.5 ppg, 37.2 3 pfg)

Portland had high hopes for high school sensation Martell Webster, drafting him with the No. 6 pick in the 2005 NBA draft. Webster’s stats with the Blazers aren’t terrible, but the shooting guard makes the list because he never lived up to the high expectations that come with being selected at the top of the draft, nor did live up to his potential. To make matters worse, Portland chose Webster over both Chris Paul and Deron Williams.

9) Sebastian Telfair (2004-06, 8.1 ppg, 3.5 ast, 39.4% fg)

The Blazers’ stupidity in not selecting Chris Paul can be blamed on one man: high school phenom point guard, Sebastian Telfair. A year prior to acquiring Webster, the Blazers selected Telfair with the No. 13 pick, with the hopes that he would be a cornerstone piece in rebuilding the team. Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out and the Blazers passed up on Paul thinking Telfair was their point guard of the future.

8) Bonzi Wells (1998-03, 13.3 ppg, 4.7 rpg)

No player epitomizes the bad-boy image of the ‘Jail Blazer’ era more than Bonzi Wells. As co-captain of the team, Wells couldn’t stay out of trouble, on or off the court. Wells publicly cursed out the Blazer’s head coach, flipped off a heckling Blazer fan, and struck and abused an official during a game in 2000. Towards the end of his time with the Blazers, Wells openly said, “Fans don’t matter to us.”

7) LaRue Martin (1972-76, 5.3 ppg, 4.6 rpg)

Who is LaRue Martin? If you have never heard of Martin before, there’s a good reason: the guy was absolutely horrible. Cited by many sports analysts as the worst No. 1 NBA draft pick of all time, Martin was plagued with injuries as well as alcohol and drug abuse during his four-year stint in Portland. To make matters even worse, the Blazer’s selected Martin before Hall of Famers Julius Erving and Bob McAdoo.

6) Darius Miles (2003-06, 13.1 ppg, 4.6 rpg)

When Darius Miles was traded to Portland from the Cleveland Cavaliers, fans raved about his athletic abilities. His potential was through the roof and the Blazers rewarded him with a six-year, $48 million dollar deal. After the contract was inked, it became clear that Miles was a cancer to the team who sought better publicity after the ‘Jail Blazer’ debacle. When Miles retired in 2006 due to medical issues, the Blazers breathed a sigh of relief; however, three years later, Memphis signed him and the Blazers were stuck paying the rest of his outrageous contract.

5) Qyntel Woods (2003-04, 3.6 ppg)

When the Portland police pulled over Qyntel Woods’ Cadillac Escalade for speeding in 2004, they noticed the vehicle was hot boxed with marijuana smoke. Without insurance or a valid driver’s license, Woods famously gave the officers his playing card as proof of identity. Shortly after the incident, Woods was found guilty of dog fighting and subsequently released from the team.

4) Ruben Patterson (2001-05, 9.7 ppg)

The only reason Ruben Patterson isn’t No. 1 on this list is because other players have been more detrimental to the franchise, but Patterson was a real scumbag. In 2001, right before the Blazers signed him to a contract, Patterson pled guilty to the rape of his child’s nanny. Why the Blazers chose to add him to the roster is mind-blowing. Then in 2002, Patterson was arrested for felony assault against his wife, but the charges were dropped and they divorced
.
3) Shawn Kemp (2000-02, 6.3 ppg, 3.8 rpg)

When Shawn Kemp signed a lucrative $52 million dollar contract with the Blazers, he was no longer the dominating unstoppable force he was with the now defunct Seattle Supersonics. He showed up overweight to training camp and his stats took a nosedive. Then, near the end of his first season in black and red, Kemp checked himself into rehab for cocaine addiction; Kemp was cut at the end of the following season and the Blazers were stuck paying him $52 million.

2) Greg Oden (2007-10, 9.4 ppg, 7.3 rpg)

When the Trailblazers received the No. 1 pick in the 2007 NBA draft, the final decision came down to two players: Greg Oden and Kevin Durant. The Blazer’s selected the center from Ohio State, and the fan’s hopes that Oden would live up to his potential shattered faster than his knees. Three major knee surgeries and setback after setback caused the Blazers to waive the big man in 2010, while Durant is currently one of the elite players in the league.

1) Sam Bowie (1984-89, 10.5 ppg, 8.1 rpg)

The 1984 draft was loaded with talent. The Blazers had the No. 2 pick and selected Sam Bowie, passing on Michael Jordan. Need I say any more? Bowie played four injury-plagued seasons before being traded to the New Jersey Nets. Meanwhile, Jordan went on to lead the Chicago Bulls to six NBA Championships, and is known by many as the greatest to ever play the game.

Contact the author at jsmith15@wou.edu or on Twitter @journalsportWOU

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Western Oregon University in Monmouth, OR is located within the traditional homelands of the Luckiamute Band of Kalapuya. Following the Willamette Valley Treaty of 1855 (Kalapuya etc. Treaty), Kalapuya people were forcibly removed to reservations in Western Oregon. Today, living descendants of these people are a part of the Confederated Tribes of Grand Ronde Community of Oregon and the Confederated Tribes of the Siletz Indians.

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