By: Declan

Multiple sources report that despite literally no one giving a shit about this particular film franchise anymore, a major studio has acquired the rights to the somewhat well-regarded property, and is pillaging American’s sense of nostalgia to make a quick buck on a half-assed new installment that, it must be reiterated, no one really wanted.

“Yeah, I probably said at one point, ‘man, wouldn’t it be cool if they made a sequel,’ but I, you know, didn’t really … mean it,” said Dude McGuy, a fan of the original film, which was released sometime in the ‘80s, maybe the early ‘90s. “It just feels so cheap and soulless.”

“I’m probably still gonna see it though,” said McGuy, looking as sad and dejected as a man could possibly look.

The Journal reached out to A Movie Industry Fatcat, who was quoted as saying, “Moviegoers are sheep. You slap a name they recognize on a steaming pile of bear turd and they’ll buy millions and millions of tickets to writhe around in it for an hour and a half, just for that tiny little hit off the crack pipe of the past.”

After diving into his Scrooge McDuck-style pool of money, entirely made up of currency that people have spent on absolute garbage motion pictures, he removed several stacks of hundred-dollar bills from underneath his immense girthy folds, acquired from eating several fancy meals a day financed by the money we keep throwing at these studios to make absolute goddamn trash, he surfaced and continued, “Everything you have ever loved will be recycled through the corporate machine and spat back at you, and you will eat it and say you loved it because you’re a whore. Say it, you’re a filthy whore.”

I just can’t write about this anymore. I’m sorry, I’m just done. Goodbye, enjoy your shitty movies forever and ever now.

Here’s a picture of a stupid, stupid cat and I hope it brings you joy in this goddamned hollow existence.