By: Brianna Bonham
After 18 years of being single, I’m finally ready to get in the dating game and find myself a bae.
I’ll start with some deets about me. I’m 5’ 8”, brown hair, green eyes. My dream in life is to live in a van and own 14 dogs and one goldfish. One of the many joys I find in life is Mythbusters roleplay, and I’m very passionate about bike fishing in Amsterdam.
My spirit animal is the elegant and graceful naked mole-rat. Their burrowing skills are astounding and I would channel those skills in apocalyptic times. My zodiac sign is Taurus and it is often said that we surround ourselves with material pleasures.
As for the lucky man, I only ask a few things.
I don’t want to be too specific right off the bat, but you MUST be 5’ 12”. No more, no less. I also love it when guys have a good sense of style. I believe that everyone should have at least one pair of olive green gaucho pants and a pair of brown Crocs in their wardrobe at all times.
The ideal personality would be a mixture of Ron Swanson and Hulk Hogan. I find it very pleasant when a man has the elegant vocabulary of Gordon Ramsay and is not afraid to use it. My favorite movie is Forrest Gump; it’s crucial that you know every line so that we can recite the movie, accents and all.
A stable job is necessary because as stated above, I am a Taurus who enjoys materialistic pleasures in the form of discontinued As Seen On TV items. They are expensive and often hard to come by.
The ideal first date would be to eat plain toast, Burger King chicken fries, and sweet pickles. For dessert, we would then proceed to Costco via Ripstik and eat samples and the handful of black licorice jelly beans that I always keep handy. After that, a romantic stroll through the Home Depot lighting aisle would certainly set the mood. If all goes well, returning to my room and taking turns reading aloud one of the many biographies I own of Alexander Hamilton while occasionally brushing knees would be a superb way to end the night.
If you believe that you can meet these simple qualifications, feel free to give me a holler at bbonham15@wou.edu
