Some of Western’s furry friends were recently discovered to be furry fiends Thursday afternoon when an immense underground substance-trafficking operation was uncovered in the garbage receptacle outside Campbell Hall.
Monmouth police apprehended 169 squirrels in a bust orchestrated by Monmouth Police Chief Darrell Tallen. Three squirrels were killed in the raid after they fired on officers with assault weaponry. Two were killed by gunshot wounds and the third was crushed when a pallet of that sweet, sweet brown sugar collapsed on top of him. The Journal could not reach any of them for comment.
Discovered in the (estimated) 3,000 sq. ft. makeshift warehouse/processing plant were several dozen pallets holding almost a ton (2000 lbs.) of “horse as pure as the driven snow,” according to Doof Trooply, Intrepid Reporter, who managed to sample some of the squirrels’ product. Also seized was an amount of cash totaling 1.6 million dollars in bundles of $2000, only two of which he was able to make off with before he was noticed.
“Fuzzball” Malone, squirrel kingpin, was quoted as making cute nibbling noises and tiny, giggly squeaks as he waited for processing at the police station; these utterances were interpreted to be lazy “Breaking Bad” references. He declined to comment on whether or not he knew that Breaking Bad was about meth rather than heroin, so The Journal is forced to assume he did not.
Malone was once before arrested in connection with a series of hits put on the local opossum community, known as a hotbed of all kinds of illegal activity, though mostly prostitution. He escaped his enclosure at Oregon State Penitentiary early last year. He is expected to begin serving a life sentence in solitary confinement later this month.
“We don’t really know how to sentence animals,” said OSP warden Jeff Premo. “So life seemed appropriate, I guess.”
Monmouth PD fears that this squirrel-run operation, despite its size, was not the only source of heroin in the area. If you have any tips on where more of these dope-peddlers might be located, please let me know, and I will pass the information onto the police for you.
