Aries 3/21-4/19
Oh, Aries, even though you’re super nice and you’ve done nothing but praise the universe this week, I have a bad horoscope for you. Totally unavoidable, but you will step on a Lego tomorrow. I’M SORRY.

Taurus 4/20-5/20
I know that failed test has you super bummed out, Taurus. But cheer up, an unexpected visitor will stop by this weekend, and bonus, they’re super sexy.

Gemini 5/21-6/20
Remember last week, Gemini, when I asked you to bring $50 to the offices of The Journal? Yeah, I’m still waiting on that. And if you’re a new reader and missed last week’s horoscope, bring $50 to our office, ask for Katrina.

Cancer 6/21-7/22
Major ED this month, Cancer. Yikes.

Leo 7/23-8/22
Leo, you had a rough week with all my predicted coffee shop drama. I’m here to help you out. A $50 Starbucks card resides at this location 35.6833° N, 139.6833° E

Virgo 8/23-9/22
I don’t have a fortune for you this week, Virgo. The moons just ain’t alignin.’ So instead I’ll recommend one of my favorite reality shows. Go watch “Vanderpump Rules” it’ll turn your week around.

Libra 9/23-10/22
6, 33, 21, 2, 17, 45

Scorpio 10/23-11/21
For all your good deeds this week, Scorpio, I have a very special fortune for you. Despite what you’ve been led to believe, and question, Jon Snow is not dead. You’re welcome.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Ah, Sagittarius, such a gentle soul. And for that I will tell you that never again will you be charged for extra guacamole. Bless.

Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Still pregnant.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Not really a fortune, but I’ve just got word from the universe that every single Aquarius has hands larger than Donald Trump’s so … congrats?

Pisces 2/19-3/20
Go buy a wedding dress, or tuxedo, or whatever on earth you want to wear because Leonardo DiCaprio will marry you on 5/21.