This week in horoscopes and predictions*:
Aries 3/21-4/19
Good omens are on the horizon. Send positivity into the university and you’ll get it right back in the return of you pouring abowl of Lucky Charms and it consisting entirely of marshmallows.
Taurus 4/20-5/20
Looks like homework has been piling up for you, Taurus, but I predict a break in the near future. Somewhere between the dates of March 18 and March 27.
Gemini 5/21-6/20
Ah, looks like it’s been a rough few weeks. Things will turn around for you, Gemini. Wealth, maybe a new job, perhaps academic success? But only if you bring $50 to the offices of The Journal. Ask for Katrina.
Cancer 6/21-7/22
I’m not quite sure what your future holds, Cancer. It’s all a little too foggy for me to tell. I recommend buying a fortune cookie.
Leo 7/23-8/22
I foresee lots of trips to coffee shops this week, Leo. Must be the stress of week nine. Unfortunately, you’ll always ask for whipped cream, but they’ll never put it on your drink. Bummer.
Virgo 8/23-9/22
You’re a very social person, Virgo. People love talking and getting to know you. Use this to your advantage in the upcoming week. If you’re 21, go to a bar and get as many free drinks as possible. Seriously, milk this for all it’s worth.
Libra 9/23-10/22
You will fail every single one of your classes, Libra. Literally no way around it.
Scorpio 10/23-11/21
You know you’ve been forgetting something, Scorpio. It’s been bothering you for the last twelve days. I think I have the answer. Remember that Red Box you rented from WareMart? You never returned it.
Sagittarius 11/22-12/21
Sagittarius, I know you’ve been falling onto hard times with your best friend. Talk to them, end this three week beef, and if you do, they’ll take you to Beyonce.
Capricorn 12/22-1/19
Pregnant.
Aquarius 1/20-2/18
Head to the movies this week, Aquarius. Somehow, and I don’t know how, you will get charged for a small popcorn when you ordered a large.
Pisces 2/19-3/20
Just as you’ve been praying for, “America’s Next Top Model” is returning to television.
*These predictions are completely made up.
