By: Declan Hertel
Entertainment Editor

I hate at least one person in every movie theatre.

It might be the stupid teenager who pays a whole $10 to see a movie and then is constantly checking their stupid phone to see what’s going on with their stupid friends in their stupid life and ruining the movie for the rest of us with that tiny screen that glows like the furious sun in the midst of the pristine darkness of a cinema auditorium.

If you have ever checked your phone in a movie theater while the movie was playing, you would have received 40 lashes on the spot if I ran the world (Declan Hertel/Kanye West 2020).

The group I hate less justifiably is old timers. I saw “The Hateful Eight” (review at wou.edu/westernjournal) for the second time last weekend, and the theatre was full of 40+ patrons who were, for the most part, defying my stereotype. But I have almost 200 more words, so buckle up, kiddo.

It’s not them asking about what the character just said: while that is annoying, hearing deteriorates over time, and there is an awful lot of whisper-mumbling in today’s cinema. It’s more them being shocked and appalled at the content on screen, and deciding to stay and keep a half-voiced running commentary throughout the film about how senseless and stupid it all is rather than, you know, leaving (I hear you, economics enthusiasts yelling “sunk cost fallacy,” but you can shut up, nerds).

This happened during “Goodnight Mommy”: an older couple was making flabbergasted comments about the film and how they didn’t get it and weren’t enjoying it, but they stayed for the whole thing.

For butt’s sake, guys. If you’re at the movies, shut up, turn it off, and watch the film. I don’t care who you are or where you’ve been, how old you are or how interesting you currently believe your uninteresting life to be, the rest of us are really quite intent on watching the movie we paid a bunch of money for.