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This week in completely made up horoscopes

Compiled by The Western Howl Staff

Aries 3/21-4/19

Time to start my year-long backpacking adventure across the wilds of New Mexico! See ya on the flipside ∠( ̄^ ̄)

Taurus 4/20-5/20

What do you get when you mix a ladybug, a rabbit and a lizard?

Who knows, but I definitely do want to see it.

Gemini 5/21-6/20

I have no idea what day it is. I stay up until 6 a.m. working, go to bed, and then wake up at 2 p.m. to start the cycle again. Is today Friday?

Cancer 6/21-7/22

You’ve got that emotional sauce, man.

Go protest.

Leo 7/23-8/22

When life gives you lemons, give them back and say you want coffee

Virgo 8/23-9/22

How do I avoid stress? I just don’t write it down. If I don’t write it down, I don’t do it. And if I don’t do it, I don’t stress about it.

Libra 9/23-10/22


Scorpio 10/23-11/21

I should’ve known better. The year never ends easy. Good luck to everyone else.

Sagittarius 11/22-12/21


Capricorn 12/22-1/19

My mind has snapped like a stale breadstick.

Aquarius 1/20-2/18

I’d say I’ve already left the building, but I’m scared to go outside… hold me.

Pisces 2/19-3/20

Time to sleep through the entirety of summer bc I’m exhausted af.